dealing with resentments
 

I have a hard time dealing with my dad.

My folks wanted to get divorced back when I was in high school, nearly 30 years ago now. The idea was when I started college they would get divorced so the last couple years of high school were stressful. My sister is four years older than me and had already been through drug rehab and then emancipated from the family at 17. She ended up getting a full ride through college and is a dental hygienist now. The 10k drug treatment in the early 80s and following emancipation didn't hinder her expensive private education. I was a nerd who did what I could to always stay out of trouble.

Back then my mom would often cry to me about how my dad always told her she was overweight and she needed to lose weight or he was gonna leave her. He's the kind of guy that walks down the road and says sexual things about every girl that walks buy. To this day he tells me that's why he left her, told me that was the reason before it happened.

My dad was making 100k in the 70s and 80s.. He did alright. My mom was on an allowance. My dad would complain about her buying household things with grocery money and had her on a strict allowance. He'd go over every receipt with a calculator to ensure she didn't spend more than she was allotted. She'd be in constant verbal trouble, not sure if it was ever more than that. She died of lung spread to the liver cancer in 2000 at 56 as an alcoholic.

My mom was about 5'6" 145 after menopause, she wasn't really heavy. My dad would tell her he couldn't love a heavy person, she'd cry to me about these things all the time in the years leading up to my graduation. She got a job eventually to avoid the allowance and my dad would destroy the things she purchased.

Summer year before college I broke my hand and was unable to work. I had too much time to spend at the house. I found a big stack of cash my dad was hiding from my mom. I took a small amount and allerted my mom that night. Over college when their planned divorce was happening I signed some things saying what I found.

Didn't work out for my mom.

My dad cut me off after that, took me down stairs into his office and told me I was his judas (he was stealing money from his family being sole provider) and cut me off.
I said to him, "You and I are alone with no one else but God here, everyone knows who the liar is, if you insist I'm the liar it's going to ruin our relationship"
He said "You are my Judas, you are a liar"

I've never been able to come to grips with this. Didn't talk to the man for nearly 10 years. He's in my life now and stresses me to the gills. He's never ever offered any kind of assistance to me, takes full care of my sister.

Just had a conversation with my dad where he tried bringing up politics, after I asked him to stop three times he started scoffing at me like I was a fool. Laughing at me like I'm an idiot I told him how it must be easy for him to treat other people differently seeing how I'm his judas so I understand why he things that way.

Just full of resentment that lingers every single day and has for years and years

thanks for listening

OH Two Years 10 Months Today!

Thanks for sharing.

Im super shook up from that fight with my dad, I think I said some things that needed to said, I don't think he heard any of it. I probably said them a bit harsher than what was needed to be.

I'm tired of being nice because the man is old.

Congrats on your sobriety. That is wonderful. I am very sorry of the pain and resentments you are dealing with. I hope you have peace with the fact that you are true to your self and have made a better yourself. Your post displays to me that you are a thoughtful, deep, considerate, trustworthy human being. Stay true to yourself. Stay close to your support. The world is filled with toxic people I am so grateful I have support and step work to help me through .

I am not a psychologist, but your dad sounds like he might have obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). He sounds very similar to my own father, and I am also very resentful of my dad's behaviour. I stumbled across the diagnostic criteria for OCPD and might dad has four of the eight traits.

In fact I was planning to write to him and tell him how I feel, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think the Big Book talks about forgiving, and of other people's maladies. Ultimately I have to accept my dad's odd and often hurtful behaviour as part of his condition and forgive him. You know what they say about resentment after all...

He's more of a narcissist, textbook case really. He tries chasing my wife's friends around when he's here for a visit. The man is a creep. He's obsessive as well, has to always be doing or fixing something if he's not playing tennis. It must be tennis, other sports are not good.

Is there some reason that stops you from speaking to him altogether?

My dad is very driven and focused, and very successful professionally and financially (he's a millionaire). Like your father he was very controlling, writing my mum lists of chores and giving her an inadequate amount of housekeeping money - he told her to buy us second-hand clothes, that type of thing. He's very keen on fitness, running six days a week, and has a very strict diet with virtually no fat. Like your father he's always busy and has to have a productive day, and would get very angry if we watched daytime TV.

I have other problems with my dad, which I won't go into. He's leaving all his money to his partner and charities, as he doesn't agree with inheritance. But what good will being resentful do me? I have to forgive him.

That's a very good question, a part of me deeply wants me to. I hate to think it's mostly to split the estate with my sister when he goes so I don't end up completely cut off. With no education life is kind of scary.

When he cut me off and told me my education was canceled I mentioned an education was the one thing he told me I could always depend on him for. He straight face told me "Well son, I'm here to teach you a lesson, you can never depend on anyone not even family." I did decent in school, education wasn't a waste and he was able to provide...

I hit the door with $45 in my pocket and never looked back. My sister got me to talk to him when I was living in alaska some 10 years later.

Yeah he does sound a lot like my dad, 83 and still playing tennis three days a week, upset when he's feeling sore. He's lived a different life. Home life was all about everyone having a roll. I just had a sister though so she had a different life with everything provided for her despite her getting in lots of trouble and me being a good student.

Hi tekink.

My relationship with my dad is pretty awkward too so I empathise.
I'm sorry for the relationship you have with your dad but congrats on your sober time.

D

I narked on my dads secret money stash feeling like I was doing the right thing and it ended up having a profound change on my life. Sometimes doing the right thing has negative consequences. The sad part is it helped nothing, my dad got away with it just like all the people in power. I was just a kid.

BUT who knows where I'd have ended up, I ran away with nothing in my pocket, found a nice girl 2000 miles from home and built a life with her.

There's a lot to be said for that- you turned out a good guy too tekink :)

D

It's always best to post when you're feeling a little twisted. Getting this out there helped. I've been having some weaknesses creap in sometimes and I've made sure to reach for soberrecovery every time!

my heartbeat is finally relaxing a bit :thanks

I don't hope to get much out of speaking too him, I call him to talk usually we can have polite conversations. Racism is a no go and politics generally is as well. I've finally gotten racism to understand it's never brought up. When the political conversation came up, I quickly attempted to cull it but he insisted for the sake of blasting me as I'm sure he knows where I stand on the issue. Three times I pushed the subject away implicitly stating I wished to not speak with him on that subject. That's when he started to taunt me with laughing and demeaning chuckles, I said my piece then hung up.

your dad, like others, has his own demons and his own resentments. he may be awful and opinionated and mean spirited, but he's living in his own dysfunctional world.

knowing he is toxic and destructive for you can help you navigate when and how to have contact. you can set aside any debt or obligation - consider the scales balanced and therefore choose or not to engage.

never forget you have that power. you have your life today to live. stay in today. cast aside the chains that bind. choose freedom. from the bondage of self............and others.

T, I'm sorry he was such a jerk (to put it mildly). :( I'm glad talking it out helped you calm down. :hug:

Big congrats on two years and ten months! :scoregood

My dad likes to push my buttons, especially with topics of race or politics.
He admits he loves doing it - I used to get really angry,

a few years back I stopped responding to those attempts.
I just refuse to engage.

He still tries tho.
You can't change someone else, only yourself.

D

That's why I hung up. I probably should have hung up before speaking my mind but there's a lot of resentments and I let them get the better of me.