Advice please
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Advice please
542 days sober. I have a group of colleagues that I quite enjoy and we are “friends” outside of work, drinking friends, of course. With that said, I have avoided any social events with them for 542 days.
Just last week, they were planning another outing in the city. I was approached and used my standard excuse that I don’t like the city and hence wouldn’t be joining. They ended up changing the event and now are planning a wine tour and after party at one person’s house. Clearly I’m not interested in attending a wine tour.
These are not close friends in any way but they are colleagues who I see every workday. I have a good working relationship with all of them. I haven’t divulged my sober lifestyle to them, nor do I plan to, because we don’t have that type of relationship.
How the heck do I get out of this one, while salvaging my professional relationship, without looking like the snobby one in the group because I keep declining the social invitations??
Just last week, they were planning another outing in the city. I was approached and used my standard excuse that I don’t like the city and hence wouldn’t be joining. They ended up changing the event and now are planning a wine tour and after party at one person’s house. Clearly I’m not interested in attending a wine tour.
These are not close friends in any way but they are colleagues who I see every workday. I have a good working relationship with all of them. I haven’t divulged my sober lifestyle to them, nor do I plan to, because we don’t have that type of relationship.
How the heck do I get out of this one, while salvaging my professional relationship, without looking like the snobby one in the group because I keep declining the social invitations??
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 133
Could you tell a little white lie and say you'd love to join them, but you're on a course of antibiotics? That you can't drink, so no point joining them. Then suggest that you meet up one morning or afternoon for cake and coffee/tea in the not too distant future.
You are right to prioritise your sobriety.
You are right to prioritise your sobriety.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Why do you not want to tell them you don't drink? I mean, a wine tasting I have no interest in, even with old drinking pals. I would just say, "I've given up drinking."
It's not a crime, ya know?
I decline all kinds of invitations.
I don't lie about it but I don't over-share and in the case of wine tasting it's the perfect opportunity to say you've quit.
"Antibiotics," and, "Don't like the city," as you can see will come back to bite you. If you don't treat it like it's a big deal, it's not a big deal.
It's not a crime, ya know?
I decline all kinds of invitations.
I don't lie about it but I don't over-share and in the case of wine tasting it's the perfect opportunity to say you've quit. "Antibiotics," and, "Don't like the city," as you can see will come back to bite you. If you don't treat it like it's a big deal, it's not a big deal.
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Originally Posted by Atlast9999 
How the heck do I get out of this one, while salvaging my professional relationship, without looking like the snobby one in the group because I keep declining the social invitations??
If not, go, be sociable, and leave early. If they ask, tell them you don't drink (or don't drink anymore) and leave it at that.
Or don't go and don't worry about it You said, it's a professional relationship you have with these people. A good professional relationship means be a good, professional co-worker and colleague.
You don't have to be pals.
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Originally Posted by SoberStevie
Could you tell a little white lie and say you'd love to join them, but you're on a course of antibiotics? That you can't drink, so no point joining them. Then suggest that you meet up one morning or afternoon for cake and coffee/tea in the not too distant future.
You are right to prioritise your sobriety.
You are right to prioritise your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
I have a little less sober time than you, about 14 months. I have worked for the same company for 20 years and have developed close friendships with many of my colleagues. Big friday night happy hours were the norm.
I really did not see any other way then to tell my coworkers "im not drinking." I never use words like alcoholic, drinking problem, recovery plans, or the addiction therapy I received. I simply tell them I'm not drinking. When they ask why I say "to be honest I feel better when I don't drink." Which is 100% true.
While I would certainly decline a wine tour, and they would understand why, I still socialize frequently. If its happy hour after work I have substituted alcohol with a guilty pleasure appetizer. I used to never eat at bars, why waste drinking money on food. Now I l like to indulge.
I also love going to NBA games. I go with my family, friends, or coworkers, depending on the day. I go to about 20 games a year. For me, it's a great activity that does not require drinking.
I really did not see any other way then to tell my coworkers "im not drinking." I never use words like alcoholic, drinking problem, recovery plans, or the addiction therapy I received. I simply tell them I'm not drinking. When they ask why I say "to be honest I feel better when I don't drink." Which is 100% true.
While I would certainly decline a wine tour, and they would understand why, I still socialize frequently. If its happy hour after work I have substituted alcohol with a guilty pleasure appetizer. I used to never eat at bars, why waste drinking money on food. Now I l like to indulge.
I also love going to NBA games. I go with my family, friends, or coworkers, depending on the day. I go to about 20 games a year. For me, it's a great activity that does not require drinking.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Why do you not want to tell them you don't drink? I mean, a wine tasting I have no interest in, even with old drinking pals. I would just say, "I've given up drinking."
It's not a crime, ya know?
I decline all kinds of invitations. I don't lie about it though, and in the case of wine tasting, it's the perfect opportunity to say you've quit.
"Antibiotics," and, "Don't like the city," as you can see will come back to bite you. If you don't treat it like it's a big deal, it's not a big deal.
It's not a crime, ya know?
I decline all kinds of invitations.
I don't lie about it though, and in the case of wine tasting, it's the perfect opportunity to say you've quit."Antibiotics," and, "Don't like the city," as you can see will come back to bite you. If you don't treat it like it's a big deal, it's not a big deal.
ive told her I stopped due to liver issues, drs orders, but that falls on deaf ears. I get told to just drink.
Perhaps I’m in my own head too much about this one.... something for me to think about.
Thanks Bim.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Atlast9999
I hear what you’re saying. The “ringleader” of this group is an alcoholic. She and I were the perfect partners in crime when I was drinking. Spent lots of time socializing together.
ive told her I stopped due to liver issues, drs orders, but that falls on deaf ears. I get told to just drink.
Perhaps I’m in my own head too much about this one.... something for me to think about.
Thanks Bim.
Well if it's any consolation, I told my Family, my blood closest relatives that I am an alcoholic and had stopped drinking and they continued to offer me drinks every time we got together for the next ten years.
Just ignore her, change the subject, keep saying, "No." She'll keep trying, you keep declining.
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I can understand skipping the wine tour, but does the house party turn you off too?
If not, go, be sociable, and leave early. If they ask, tell them you don't drink (or don't drink anymore) and leave it at that.
Or don't go and don't worry about it You said, it's a professional relationship you have with these people. A good professional relationship means be a good, professional co-worker and colleague.
You don't have to be pals.
If not, go, be sociable, and leave early. If they ask, tell them you don't drink (or don't drink anymore) and leave it at that.
Or don't go and don't worry about it You said, it's a professional relationship you have with these people. A good professional relationship means be a good, professional co-worker and colleague.
You don't have to be pals.
you are correct that a professional relationship is just that: a professional relationship.
thanks
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello,
This outing is going to revolve around wine. With more alcohol no doubt after the event. I remember once feeling like I wanted to drink at a social event with people I enjoyed and respected. My mind went immediately to me asking them (which I would never ) if it was possible after to crash one of their couches for a week, sleeping it off nursing a hangover, chasing another drink to feel better because my family would not want me to come home .... while the rest or most of them wake up the next day to get back to their daily lives. That is how insane it is for me.
That is my reality when I try not to be snobby or not put myself in unhealthy situations. Is there anyway you could say I wish I could attend but I have an obligation I need to attend.. Then ask to set up another meeting after the holidays. Maybe a sit down dinner with food and dessert. That way you can enjoy their company outside of corporate setting and have it focus on a relaxing dinner as oppose to a wine tour. which the point of it is to consume alcohol.
I learned jobs come and go. I only have one life. I had a great job- decided to drink at the training/retreat- did fairly well in front of people. Took off on my own lost the job in the end. CONGRATS on 542- that is such an inspiration. I am on day 41 and the pain is still very raw!
This outing is going to revolve around wine. With more alcohol no doubt after the event. I remember once feeling like I wanted to drink at a social event with people I enjoyed and respected. My mind went immediately to me asking them (which I would never ) if it was possible after to crash one of their couches for a week, sleeping it off nursing a hangover, chasing another drink to feel better because my family would not want me to come home .... while the rest or most of them wake up the next day to get back to their daily lives. That is how insane it is for me.
That is my reality when I try not to be snobby or not put myself in unhealthy situations. Is there anyway you could say I wish I could attend but I have an obligation I need to attend.. Then ask to set up another meeting after the holidays. Maybe a sit down dinner with food and dessert. That way you can enjoy their company outside of corporate setting and have it focus on a relaxing dinner as oppose to a wine tour. which the point of it is to consume alcohol.
I learned jobs come and go. I only have one life. I had a great job- decided to drink at the training/retreat- did fairly well in front of people. Took off on my own lost the job in the end. CONGRATS on 542- that is such an inspiration. I am on day 41 and the pain is still very raw!
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Ah.
Well if it's any consolation, I told my Family, my blood closest relatives that I am an alcoholic and had stopped drinking and they continued to offer me drinks every time we got together for the next ten years.
Just ignore her, change the subject, keep saying, "No." She'll keep trying, you keep declining.
Well if it's any consolation, I told my Family, my blood closest relatives that I am an alcoholic and had stopped drinking and they continued to offer me drinks every time we got together for the next ten years.
Just ignore her, change the subject, keep saying, "No." She'll keep trying, you keep declining.
I will keep declining. Thanks!
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Originally Posted by SoberStevie
You're right biminiblue, ignore my first post - you need to tell them, but without making a big deal of it. "Sorry, I don't drink anymore, but have a great time". Don't feel you need to explain it.
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Originally Posted by Rd2quit
I have a little less sober time than you, about 14 months. I have worked for the same company for 20 years and have developed close friendships with many of my colleagues. Big friday night happy hours were the norm.
I really did not see any other way then to tell my coworkers "im not drinking." I never use words like alcoholic, drinking problem, recovery plans, or the addiction therapy I received. I simply tell them I'm not drinking. When they ask why I say "to be honest I feel better when I don't drink." Which is 100% true.
While I would certainly decline a wine tour, and they would understand why, I still socialize frequently. If its happy hour after work I have substituted alcohol with a guilty pleasure appetizer. I used to never eat at bars, why waste drinking money on food. Now I l like to indulge.
I also love going to NBA games. I go with my family, friends, or coworkers, depending on the day. I go to about 20 games a year. For me, it's a great activity that does not require drinking.
I really did not see any other way then to tell my coworkers "im not drinking." I never use words like alcoholic, drinking problem, recovery plans, or the addiction therapy I received. I simply tell them I'm not drinking. When they ask why I say "to be honest I feel better when I don't drink." Which is 100% true.
While I would certainly decline a wine tour, and they would understand why, I still socialize frequently. If its happy hour after work I have substituted alcohol with a guilty pleasure appetizer. I used to never eat at bars, why waste drinking money on food. Now I l like to indulge.
I also love going to NBA games. I go with my family, friends, or coworkers, depending on the day. I go to about 20 games a year. For me, it's a great activity that does not require drinking.
The only shared experiences I have with this group are as a drinker. we have vacationed together, spent holidays together, birthdays together and the only thing we did was drink.drink.drink.
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Originally Posted by faith823
Hello,
This outing is going to revolve around wine. With more alcohol no doubt after the event. I remember once feeling like I wanted to drink at a social event with people I enjoyed and respected. My mind went immediately to me asking them (which I would never ) if it was possible after to crash one of their couches for a week, sleeping it off nursing a hangover, chasing another drink to feel better because my family would not want me to come home .... while the rest or most of them wake up the next day to get back to their daily lives. That is how insane it is for me.
That is my reality when I try not to be snobby or not put myself in unhealthy situations. Is there anyway you could say I wish I could attend but I have an obligation I need to attend.. Then ask to set up another meeting after the holidays. Maybe a sit down dinner with food and dessert. That way you can enjoy their company outside of corporate setting and have it focus on a relaxing dinner as oppose to a wine tour. which the point of it is to consume alcohol.
I learned jobs come and go. I only have one life. I had a great job- decided to drink at the training/retreat- did fairly well in front of people. Took off on my own lost the job in the end. CONGRATS on 542- that is such an inspiration. I am on day 41 and the pain is still very raw!
This outing is going to revolve around wine. With more alcohol no doubt after the event. I remember once feeling like I wanted to drink at a social event with people I enjoyed and respected. My mind went immediately to me asking them (which I would never ) if it was possible after to crash one of their couches for a week, sleeping it off nursing a hangover, chasing another drink to feel better because my family would not want me to come home .... while the rest or most of them wake up the next day to get back to their daily lives. That is how insane it is for me.
That is my reality when I try not to be snobby or not put myself in unhealthy situations. Is there anyway you could say I wish I could attend but I have an obligation I need to attend.. Then ask to set up another meeting after the holidays. Maybe a sit down dinner with food and dessert. That way you can enjoy their company outside of corporate setting and have it focus on a relaxing dinner as oppose to a wine tour. which the point of it is to consume alcohol.
I learned jobs come and go. I only have one life. I had a great job- decided to drink at the training/retreat- did fairly well in front of people. Took off on my own lost the job in the end. CONGRATS on 542- that is such an inspiration. I am on day 41 and the pain is still very raw!
41 days is fantastic. Keep moving that number forward.
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Take care of number one! Do not feel guilty. Wake up the next morning feeling rested, refreshed with no embarrassment for being beyond drunk.
I was posting while others where responding read through the posts.
Looks to me like you will not be tempted to drink. The issue is the being uncomfortable an activity that focuses on drinking, being uncomfortable explaining your motive not to drink, being uncomfortable watching people abuse alcohol. You have a choice to be comfortable in your life and social situations.
If breakfast, brunch or a sit down dinner doesn't "fly" with them. They should understand drinking that drinking one face off does not "fly" with you any longer
Its only fair.
I was posting while others where responding read through the posts.
Looks to me like you will not be tempted to drink. The issue is the being uncomfortable an activity that focuses on drinking, being uncomfortable explaining your motive not to drink, being uncomfortable watching people abuse alcohol. You have a choice to be comfortable in your life and social situations.
If breakfast, brunch or a sit down dinner doesn't "fly" with them. They should understand drinking that drinking one face off does not "fly" with you any longer
Its only fair.
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Originally Posted by faith823
I was posting while others where responding read through the posts.
Looks to me like you will not be tempted to drink. The issue is the being uncomfortable an activity that focuses on drinking, being uncomfortable explaining your motive not to drink, being uncomfortable watching people abuse alcohol. You have a choice to be comfortable in your life and social situations.
If breakfast, brunch or a sit down dinner doesn't "fly" with them. They should understand drinking that drinking one face off does not "fly" with you any longer Its only fair.
Looks to me like you will not be tempted to drink. The issue is the being uncomfortable an activity that focuses on drinking, being uncomfortable explaining your motive not to drink, being uncomfortable watching people abuse alcohol. You have a choice to be comfortable in your life and social situations.
If breakfast, brunch or a sit down dinner doesn't "fly" with them. They should understand drinking that drinking one face off does not "fly" with you any longer
Its only fair.Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
You may find your coworkers will care less about you not drinking than you think. It may just be me, but I have found my heavy drinking friends have been the most understanding in my sobriety. I think it's because they knew how much I really drank and they personally feel the negative affects of alchohol. Giving it up makes perfect sense. My more moderate drinking friends called it a night long before the debauchery.
I have one coworker I used to drink with till 2am, having 15 to 20 drinks and doing things no sober person would do. He has never questioned why I quit. Another one of my coworkers would have 1 or 2 beers and call it a night. He asks me about once a month if I'm still not drinking.
I have one coworker I used to drink with till 2am, having 15 to 20 drinks and doing things no sober person would do. He has never questioned why I quit. Another one of my coworkers would have 1 or 2 beers and call it a night. He asks me about once a month if I'm still not drinking.
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