Came quite close to relapse,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Came quite close to relapse,
I had my work xmas party two nights ago. I'm coming up to 6 months sober. I can't even remember what it's like to have a drink, barely have any cravings whatsoever.
I am in a really good place, and didn't have any issues in the lead up to the party. Felt very confident I could handle it. We left the office at 6 and went to the bar, I eyed up the wine and briefly felt desire for one but I ordered a virgin cocktail, and as I am new in this job and company, many people were asking if I was drinking even though I'd told most of them previously I didn't drink.
Anyway no worries, we stayed for one drink and then went to the club which was a free bar all night till 1am, which was going to be one big **** up. So many people my age all getting very drunk. As we arrived, all of a sudden, a thought that had been creeping up on me since we got to the first bar got stronger, "have a drink, come on join in the fun, just let your hair down" etc etc what had happened? All of a sudden I was seriously considering having a drink.
As we walked in to the club the waiters gave everyone free drinks, I grabbed a drink. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it had alcohol in it.
I stood there with it in my hand for 10 minutes or so. "Shall I? No I can't, I'll throw 5 months down the drain, imagine what I will feel like tomorrow. but go on, everyone is getting drunk why are you so different to them? Just drink, have fun, it's been so long, you can stop again tomorrow, just have one night on the booze, back to sober tomorrow"
Looking around me in the club, everyone drinking like crazy. All of a sudden I spotted a guy who was in my induction on my first day on the job, I walked over to him and said hello, "what you drinking I asked him?" I was looking for him to say something like vodka or whiskey, to further strengthen my sudden desire to drink, but just as quickly he said 'lemonade, I don't drink, don't like it". And just like that my AV was gone. "What are you drinking" he asked. 'Oh, yeah, erm, lemonade too mate, I don't drink either". I put down the alcoholic drink and walked over to the bar "I'll have a lemonade please".
For the rest of the night I was absolutely fine, watched people getting progressively drunk and I had no intention to drink. It was just that initial first 30 minutes or so in the club, it nearly had me. It didn't though. Something stopped me drinking that drink. I had it in my hands for 15 minutes or so, but I never once felt I was that close to drinking it. Something was stopping me, maybe my higher power? I felt so close to having a drink, but I was still so far from actually doing it. It seemed completely alien to me to take even a sip.
I don't think I will face many harder tests than that. Work xmas parties must be about as tempting as they come! I'm so glad I made it through. A close call for sure, but I didn't drink and for that I am so so grateful.
I am in a really good place, and didn't have any issues in the lead up to the party. Felt very confident I could handle it. We left the office at 6 and went to the bar, I eyed up the wine and briefly felt desire for one but I ordered a virgin cocktail, and as I am new in this job and company, many people were asking if I was drinking even though I'd told most of them previously I didn't drink.
Anyway no worries, we stayed for one drink and then went to the club which was a free bar all night till 1am, which was going to be one big **** up. So many people my age all getting very drunk. As we arrived, all of a sudden, a thought that had been creeping up on me since we got to the first bar got stronger, "have a drink, come on join in the fun, just let your hair down" etc etc what had happened? All of a sudden I was seriously considering having a drink.
As we walked in to the club the waiters gave everyone free drinks, I grabbed a drink. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it had alcohol in it.
I stood there with it in my hand for 10 minutes or so. "Shall I? No I can't, I'll throw 5 months down the drain, imagine what I will feel like tomorrow. but go on, everyone is getting drunk why are you so different to them? Just drink, have fun, it's been so long, you can stop again tomorrow, just have one night on the booze, back to sober tomorrow"
Looking around me in the club, everyone drinking like crazy. All of a sudden I spotted a guy who was in my induction on my first day on the job, I walked over to him and said hello, "what you drinking I asked him?" I was looking for him to say something like vodka or whiskey, to further strengthen my sudden desire to drink, but just as quickly he said 'lemonade, I don't drink, don't like it". And just like that my AV was gone. "What are you drinking" he asked. 'Oh, yeah, erm, lemonade too mate, I don't drink either". I put down the alcoholic drink and walked over to the bar "I'll have a lemonade please".
For the rest of the night I was absolutely fine, watched people getting progressively drunk and I had no intention to drink. It was just that initial first 30 minutes or so in the club, it nearly had me. It didn't though. Something stopped me drinking that drink. I had it in my hands for 15 minutes or so, but I never once felt I was that close to drinking it. Something was stopping me, maybe my higher power? I felt so close to having a drink, but I was still so far from actually doing it. It seemed completely alien to me to take even a sip.
I don't think I will face many harder tests than that. Work xmas parties must be about as tempting as they come! I'm so glad I made it through. A close call for sure, but I didn't drink and for that I am so so grateful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Awesome job!
I use to attend my husbands Xmas work parties and was always DD so he could have his two beers and get tipsy. I watched a lot of the staff and his co-workers get hammered. It was embarrassing most of the time and proved to be a boring event for myself.
Could never drink at a company party or I would surely embarrass myself too. Good job and I bet you have no regrets either.
I use to attend my husbands Xmas work parties and was always DD so he could have his two beers and get tipsy. I watched a lot of the staff and his co-workers get hammered. It was embarrassing most of the time and proved to be a boring event for myself.
Could never drink at a company party or I would surely embarrass myself too. Good job and I bet you have no regrets either.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
That's very interesting. It sounds like the fear of missing out, being the 'only one' not drinking was enough for you to consider a drink. Everyone else apart from yourself was drinking and partying, or so you thought. The realization that another individual was in that crowd, but wasn't drinking was enough for you to instantly be fine. Someone else didn't need to drink to fit in with the experience and neither did you.
Congrats on getting through it!
Congrats on getting through it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
That WAS a close call. I had something similar at 6 months, but not near getting as close to the edge as you did. Within seconds of having my AV giving me a coax, I experienced a brief terror, and was done with it. Did you happen to experience any fear during the event?
I actually don't know if you were close to an edge at all. The edge probably varies from person to person, and I suspect many relapses may occur when an alcoholic has no sense of being even close to an edge at all. Although, I did read one opinion (stated as fact) in some book that "all relapses are planned." I don't know if that's true either.
The reason I'm so curious about your experience is that during the days of trying not to drink, so that I could actually become a moderate drinker (yeah, the same old impossible goal we all shared) is that I found myself in many lengthy standoffs like yours, but failed every time. In the later attempts to standoff against alcohol, I actually started to realize that it was more like an attempt to demonstrate a show of "good faith." Before it even happened I knew I was going to cave. I would be saying to myself, "I know I can't hold out and that I'm going to give in, but I'm going to punish myself a little while before I give in." I probably should have just given in, because I knew I would fail in the next 10 minutes, anyway.
I actually don't know if you were close to an edge at all. The edge probably varies from person to person, and I suspect many relapses may occur when an alcoholic has no sense of being even close to an edge at all. Although, I did read one opinion (stated as fact) in some book that "all relapses are planned." I don't know if that's true either.
The reason I'm so curious about your experience is that during the days of trying not to drink, so that I could actually become a moderate drinker (yeah, the same old impossible goal we all shared) is that I found myself in many lengthy standoffs like yours, but failed every time. In the later attempts to standoff against alcohol, I actually started to realize that it was more like an attempt to demonstrate a show of "good faith." Before it even happened I knew I was going to cave. I would be saying to myself, "I know I can't hold out and that I'm going to give in, but I'm going to punish myself a little while before I give in." I probably should have just given in, because I knew I would fail in the next 10 minutes, anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by DriGuy 
That WAS a close call. I had something similar at 6 months, but not near getting as close to the edge as you did. Within seconds of having my AV giving me a coax, I experienced a brief terror, and was done with it. Did you happen to experience any fear during the event?
I actually don't know if you were close to an edge at all. The edge probably varies from person to person, and I suspect many relapses may occur when an alcoholic has no sense of being even close to an edge at all. Although, I did read one opinion (stated as fact) in some book that "all relapses are planned." I don't know if that's true either.
The reason I'm so curious about your experience is that during the days of trying not to drink, so that I could actually become a moderate drinker (yeah, the same old impossible goal we all shared) is that I found myself in many lengthy standoffs like yours, but failed every time. In the later attempts to standoff against alcohol, I actually started to realize that it was more like an attempt to demonstrate a show of "good faith." Before it even happened I knew I was going to cave. I would be saying to myself, "I know I can't hold out and that I'm going to give in, but I'm going to punish myself a little while before I give in." I probably should have just given in, because I knew I would fail in the next 10 minutes, anyway.
I actually don't know if you were close to an edge at all. The edge probably varies from person to person, and I suspect many relapses may occur when an alcoholic has no sense of being even close to an edge at all. Although, I did read one opinion (stated as fact) in some book that "all relapses are planned." I don't know if that's true either.
The reason I'm so curious about your experience is that during the days of trying not to drink, so that I could actually become a moderate drinker (yeah, the same old impossible goal we all shared) is that I found myself in many lengthy standoffs like yours, but failed every time. In the later attempts to standoff against alcohol, I actually started to realize that it was more like an attempt to demonstrate a show of "good faith." Before it even happened I knew I was going to cave. I would be saying to myself, "I know I can't hold out and that I'm going to give in, but I'm going to punish myself a little while before I give in." I probably should have just given in, because I knew I would fail in the next 10 minutes, anyway.
I do get the fear sometimes when I think about how bad alcohol made me feel, particularly the last few years of my drinking. Sometimes I wake up and remember how I used to need a drink in the mornings, that gives me the fear.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
