Pouncer

Any advice would be appreciated; I am desperate to stop drinking.

My husband drinks wine at night, but promised me he wouldn’t leave alcohol at home. He throws out what he doesn’t finish at night.

The other day he made an eggnog and I said to myself, “I bet he won’t throw out that bottle of brandy.” It was a very simple matter to find it; it was kind of scary how quickly I was able to hone in on the hiding spot. I drank as my reward for finding the alcohol. How twisted is that?

I know alcohol should never be thought of as a reward. That’s Step 1 for me: appreciate that alcohol is not a reward.

Please, advice of any kind is welcome. Are you getting sober in a wet house?

ThatWasTheOldMe

Find an AA meeting that occurs every day during your typical "witching hour" and walk right through the door

I live with my dad and he drinks every night - it has no effect on me. I simply have my own sober life.

D122y

Watching someone get drunk is a bit of a trigger for me. It was worse for the first year. E.g. Friday nights, Xmas, Superbowl etc etc.

The next year it was a bit easier.

Now I sit back and know that they are going to get a little or a big buzz. Then they are going to get sleepy.

Their immune system will get sapped and they will not sleep normally.

They will have a hangover in the morning and have less energy than if they would have not drank.

Thanks.

Pondlady

I asked my husband if he would not drink in our home until I was "over the hump." Is that an option your husband would consider?

Dee74

My house is dry so I have no personal experience to share.

I know its hard but its not a million miles away from the problem we all face tho- we're non drinkers in a world of drinkers.

We need to get to a place of being ok with that.

Part of that is thinking past the actual drink to the aftermath.
Alcohol's not a reward, or not a good one for drinkers like us.

I think generally speaking our support network needs to be strong, and we need to be willing to use it.

We're always here for help and support Pouncer

D

Surrendered19

I am certainly not going to have any booze in my house, but it's just me and my girls, so there are no other drinkers here. I am new at this, only 14 days in, but having any alc in the house would be very tough for me. But Dee is right. Is there really any difference in having it in your house as opposed to readily available every other friggin place you turn? Probably not. I have to accept that I can go buy a bottle of wine and be drinking in 5 minutes any time I want. In my house or down the block doesn't make a difference. I cannot do either of those.

Pouncer

I asked for a booze break until I was more secure in my sobriety. I am coming to terms that my sobriety will have to be up to me (just as is the case with all of us here). I know I will have to stand on my own soon, but seeing alcohol at home is tough in the early days.

Mentally preparing for the holidays and holiday drinking is hard enough, but my issue is secretive drinking. Just being around it is risky for me right now. I will start planning when I can get drunk without anyone knowing.

Going to speak with my husband honestly about how I am struggling.

joe801

My house is dry, its been said already I could have alcohol within 10 mins I live a few miles from a major highway/interstate. I watched the game Saturday at my friends house, he did drink 2 or 3 beers. I will not be surprised if I go back this Saturday that the 10 or so beers will still be in the fridge untouched, he's a true casual/social drinker.

I can honestly say it didn't bother me, now months back I don't think I would have went over to watch the game. At one point in very early sobriety if beer commercials aired I'd flip the channel.

This issue is a very gray area.

Free2bme888

Boggle10

My house isn't dry, husband drinks every night, friends Come at the weekend and they all drink, I look at them now as there slurring there words and I'm so grateful that's not me, it did bother me at the beginning, but I stopped for me, no one else

Zevin

Pouncer, I know exactly how you feel. My spouse promised no alcohol in the house after I finished rehab. I was so RELIEVED! But that didn't last long and after about 8 months of sobriety, I relapsed on vacation after finding the vodka stash.
The sneaky, secretive drinking began for me. It's happened several times in the last 6 years, usually on vacations or during the holidays.
I don't know if my Spouse is a very high-functioning alcoholic or a "normal" drinker who has 3 or 4 stiff drinks every night, but I really have to try to focus on ME. AA meetings help tremendously although several old-timers have suggested I go to Al-Anon meetings too.
Talk to him and see if he will consider making the house dry, at least for a few months. I don't know about your marriage, but it's caused a huge, not spoken about division in ours. I can't be around drunk people (they are so boring) for very long, so we end up doing different things at night.
I'm sorry! It's a mess, isn't it?
Are you going to tell him you've been sneaking drinks?

Zevin

For me, and maybe because I'm a sneaky drinker, there's a huge difference in having an open bottle in your house vs. the store 5 minutes away.

Pouncer

Zevin,

Thanks so much for sharing. Yes! You nailed it. I have practically the same situation here. My husband drinks no more than 3 (max) in one sitting, but he is a frequent drinker.

Talk to him? Yes, I have. He is very concerned and perhaps I haven’t been too specific about how having alcohol around affects me. I lie and say I am good/fine/happy when I am not. I obsess about it when it’s around. Just admitting that is difficult.

There is so much stigma not only in alcoholism, but also recovery. I hate asking him to change his behavior, but right now, I am not doing well and I need a bit of accommodation. As I talk myself through this, the only solution is being very honest with him.

Pouncer

Yep. I never consume alcohol in front of anyone but my dog.

CRRHCC

Tip: Don't believe the 1935 myth that you have a disease over which you have no control!

Stress cannot cause drinking like a patellar reflex causes your quadriceps muscle to contract and your knee to jerk, but life’s stress can certainly be a reason to drink if you see drinking as useful and appropriate when you are stressed. Whatever your situation and circumstances, you have always been in control, and you have always used your free will to search for happiness.

You have free will, autonomy and the desire to pursue your own happiness. We are all driven to seek happiness (reward). All human behavior is driven by the pursuit of happiness (reward) and that, when you choose to do something, you do so because you see it as your best available option. Do you believe that you can be happier reducing/quitting your substance use than you can be by continuing it as is? When you can answer that question in the affirmative, then you can know that you will never have to feel an “uncontrollable urge” to use problematically again.

Dee74

Bigger Tip: don't bring ' my recovery is bigger than yours' kind of recovery debates into Newcomers forum.

If you don't believe in the disease model, say so - not need to editorialise.

Thanks

Dee
Administrator
SR

joe801

Be honest and tell him the truth, I don't want to speak out of place but maybe there's a slight issue in that "he" might find it hard to accommodate because he's a frequent drinker. I believe a good discussion with help you both.

Pouncer

I actually wish I had accepted the “disease model” instead of the “moral failure” argument a lot sooner. My grandparents were addicts, my mom’s family was decimated by addiction(s). My dad’s side of the family has addiction and mental illness. Knowing addiction is affected by DNA is a relief because I can now appreciate my addiction as a medical issue and take it with the seriousness that it warrants.

There are new studies about AUD and how it may be a result of genes and “deep learning,” in that drinking changes your DNA and makes you crave it more.

But, debating about recovery is not what this forum is for. I don’t need to know why I drink, I only need to know I have to stop.

Numblady

I live with an alcoholic husband who thinks he’s just a fun guy (and he is fun too but not because of the booze). It has not always been easy but I realized early on I had to get to a place like you said of not seeing it as a reward but a path to nowhere, to the point that it didn’t really matter what he was doing. Just that I was not going to waste my time down a bottle. He did not skip one day of drinking in my nearly 2 years of sobriety so far. Like one of the earlier posters said, I have my own sober life.

A definite tip I would have would be to do just what you did already (only keep doing it as needed) and reach out on this forum. These smart folks are really helpful at getting us to see there are much better alternatives to joining in with the drinking. That said, it sounds like your husband cares about your recovery so being honest with him about how you are feeling probably would do you both good.

i am sending you loads of virtual support.

BarbieKen

Hi,
I was the drinker in my house, while my husband and son were the ones who joined AA. I didn't promise not to drink, nor did I promise to throw out or hide my alcohol. I was and am an alcoholic. And, they never, ever asked me to discard, hide or not drink .. maybe because they knew it was pointless. Being alcoholics themselves.

So, I continued on my drunk path for 7 more years. Yes, that's how long I took for me to get into the rooms of AA. Alone most nights (happily --no one bugging me that I was drinking). They were off ....

My sober hubby & son put themselves & their Recovery first. HOW? By attending meetings, being of service, speaking when asked, getting Committments at meetings, going to Conventions, getting Sponsee's, enjoying LIFE ..... BBQ s, picnics, fundraisers ... fun events with their new friends in the "Program". Yes, they formed a new life. Everything changed. Because that's what had to happen for us.

That was then .....