Dealing with Anger and Resentments
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Dealing with Anger and Resentments
I’ve become so bitter and hateful since I’ve gotten sober. It’s a trait that I’m too happy about. I seem to lack the ability to forgive. Where I was once understanding and nonjudgmental, I am now angry and rigid.
in the spirit of the holidays I am trying to return to the kinder person I use to be. The kind of person who could see past flaws and see someone’s potential. The kind of person who would see someone hurting and pick a flower for them telling them to “cheer up, buttercup.”
I don’t want to be this person who dwells on the negative. Who no longer stops to notice the person who is hurting or to smell the flowers. I don’t want my daughter to be that kind of person.
How do you folks move past your resentments and bitterness? Surely I can’t be the only person who after becoming sober harbors these ill feelings?
I use to tell my clients who were wishing the demise of others that, “hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” and that the other person is probably not even thinking about them. But here I am, unable to follow my own advice. I don’t want this. I want my old former self before the kindness was beaten out of me. I don’t like how hard my heart has become.
Hopefully writing this out for feedback is a start? Idk.
in the spirit of the holidays I am trying to return to the kinder person I use to be. The kind of person who could see past flaws and see someone’s potential. The kind of person who would see someone hurting and pick a flower for them telling them to “cheer up, buttercup.”
I don’t want to be this person who dwells on the negative. Who no longer stops to notice the person who is hurting or to smell the flowers. I don’t want my daughter to be that kind of person.
How do you folks move past your resentments and bitterness? Surely I can’t be the only person who after becoming sober harbors these ill feelings?
I use to tell my clients who were wishing the demise of others that, “hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” and that the other person is probably not even thinking about them. But here I am, unable to follow my own advice. I don’t want this. I want my old former self before the kindness was beaten out of me. I don’t like how hard my heart has become.
Hopefully writing this out for feedback is a start? Idk.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
That is a great question. In AA experience, resentment kills more alcoholics than anything else. It is the most common manifestation of self, and in our literature we state that selfishness and self centeredness is the root of our troubles.
No one likes this part of the book, page 62. There is one idea suggested in step four which is a useful way to tackle resentment in early sobriety.
"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
There are many more approaches but they might just complicate the picture if one was not trying to adopt the AA way of life. Hope that helps.
No one likes this part of the book, page 62. There is one idea suggested in step four which is a useful way to tackle resentment in early sobriety.
"This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one."
There are many more approaches but they might just complicate the picture if one was not trying to adopt the AA way of life. Hope that helps.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I think a lot of us deal with that.
For me I felt unprepared for dealing with emotions like that because for years I'd drunk that stuff away.
It might sound a little corny but I really had to focus on the good things in myself and my life.
I was a lucky guy to have so many good things still in my life. A lot of people didn't/don't.
A lot of people have it worse than me - and I've spent a good part of my recovery trying to help those people as best I can.
That helps me too.
It helps me stay out of my own head a little cos if I stay too long in there I might get a little too self piteous and I really have so very little reason to be that way.
The other thing is forgiveness.
It's kinda related to drinking poison and expect someone else to die thing:
I can't move on with my hands around someones neck.
That comes from The Shack (good book to read about forgiveness faith and attitude if you've not read it)
Pain is not something everyone wants in their life., To me the purpose of recovery is to remove pain, not cause more.
Again, the Shack
“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.”
― William P. Young, The Shack
I hope you find your way past the pain newhope
D
For me I felt unprepared for dealing with emotions like that because for years I'd drunk that stuff away.
It might sound a little corny but I really had to focus on the good things in myself and my life.
I was a lucky guy to have so many good things still in my life. A lot of people didn't/don't.
A lot of people have it worse than me - and I've spent a good part of my recovery trying to help those people as best I can.
That helps me too.
It helps me stay out of my own head a little cos if I stay too long in there I might get a little too self piteous and I really have so very little reason to be that way.
The other thing is forgiveness.
It's kinda related to drinking poison and expect someone else to die thing:
I can't move on with my hands around someones neck.
That comes from The Shack (good book to read about forgiveness faith and attitude if you've not read it)
Pain is not something everyone wants in their life., To me the purpose of recovery is to remove pain, not cause more.
Again, the Shack
“Pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.”
― William P. Young, The Shack
I hope you find your way past the pain newhope
D
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Love and kindness meditation works well if you do it daily. It’s also called Metta Meditation. It was something we did a lot of at rehab as most of us once sober harboured a ton of ill will. It took a while and I did feel a bit of a plank doing it but it did make a difference. x
G-Woman
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Mississauga, ON
Posts: 979
Thanks for this post, I do relate to this too. I experienced a lot of anger and resentment (negative feelings in general) in my first months sober. To be honest, for me those feelings have lessened as I'm nearing my 6-month mark.
I like what Dee said, about dealing with emotions that I'd previously drunk away. I think those feelings that had been suppressed had to finally be felt. I allowed myself to feel them, but I didn't act upon them, kind of like an alcohol craving. I had a right to be angry about some of the things from my past.
I hope some of this helped!
I like what Dee said, about dealing with emotions that I'd previously drunk away. I think those feelings that had been suppressed had to finally be felt. I allowed myself to feel them, but I didn't act upon them, kind of like an alcohol craving. I had a right to be angry about some of the things from my past.
I hope some of this helped!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
For me it was just like wow I didnt realize how much of a wreck my life was. Mostly self inflicted. All the resentments and negative vibes were lifted from me .so that I can heal. In our case there is no cure. I am a alcoholic in remission. My HP come thru for me. Now I'm 213 days in on my journey. ✌
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I went through the same thing. It was like all of the anger I had bottled up was released all at once. While I was drinking I was really only angry at myself, and tended to stuff down any anger I felt toward anyone else. It was kind of like I didn't feel like I had a right to be angry at anyone or anything but myself, because I felt like I was making a mess of my life and everything bad that happened was my fault somehow.
When I started sobering up and looking at the wreckage, I was able to start feeling angry at others, and it all seemed to hit at once. I was walking around p*ssed off at the world for a little while. I think part of that was just natural brain activity as the connectors in my brain started to heal, and part of it was being able to see that other people in my life were, in fact, responsible for some of the crap that happened. I had been entirely a doormat for a long time, and it was time for that to end and to set some boundaries. It was also time to identify and let go of resentments that had been festering and bubbling below the surface for a long long time. I knew that was a really important part of being able to live a calm and peaceful life.
So I worked the steps, and after I did Steps 4 and 5, it really did get better. Gottalife supplied the pertinent passages from the Big Book. And here's the thing. You do not have to be an AA'er to do these steps. I think it's useful to everyone to do something like it every so often. It's a great way to write down and examine your resentments, talk about them to someone, and begin to let them go.
When I started sobering up and looking at the wreckage, I was able to start feeling angry at others, and it all seemed to hit at once. I was walking around p*ssed off at the world for a little while. I think part of that was just natural brain activity as the connectors in my brain started to heal, and part of it was being able to see that other people in my life were, in fact, responsible for some of the crap that happened. I had been entirely a doormat for a long time, and it was time for that to end and to set some boundaries. It was also time to identify and let go of resentments that had been festering and bubbling below the surface for a long long time. I knew that was a really important part of being able to live a calm and peaceful life.
So I worked the steps, and after I did Steps 4 and 5, it really did get better. Gottalife supplied the pertinent passages from the Big Book. And here's the thing. You do not have to be an AA'er to do these steps. I think it's useful to everyone to do something like it every so often. It's a great way to write down and examine your resentments, talk about them to someone, and begin to let them go.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
All my mental issues, anger/paranoia/sadness etc etc, have improved in the last 4 plus years since I began my new and permanent life style of never ever ingesting alcohol. I hate the stuff.
I know it causes some readers here frustration to read I don't take any rx meds, but i offer it as a consideration. See a Dr. if you need to. Depression or worse is very real.
I know there are things like dual diagnosis and preexisting conditions. Many in my family take depression meds, so I figure it might just be a matter of time for me. Whatever.
I totally get weirded out sometimes these days. I used to be weirded out all the time every day when I first quit. But, I could feel it getting better by the moment.
It is brain damage, likely permanent. My brain had to rewire.
Call it what you want, but that is how I see it. I don't need a Harvard educated physician to tell me what I can learn from google.
Bottom line: never ever drink again.
Thanks.
I know it causes some readers here frustration to read I don't take any rx meds, but i offer it as a consideration. See a Dr. if you need to. Depression or worse is very real.
I know there are things like dual diagnosis and preexisting conditions. Many in my family take depression meds, so I figure it might just be a matter of time for me. Whatever.
I totally get weirded out sometimes these days. I used to be weirded out all the time every day when I first quit. But, I could feel it getting better by the moment.
It is brain damage, likely permanent. My brain had to rewire.
Call it what you want, but that is how I see it. I don't need a Harvard educated physician to tell me what I can learn from google.
Bottom line: never ever drink again.
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
All my mental issues, anger/paranoia/sadness etc etc, have improved in the last 4 plus years since I began my new and permanent life style of never ever ingesting alcohol. I hate the stuff.
I know it causes some readers here frustration to read I don't take any rx meds, but i offer it as a consideration. Bottom line is depression or worse is real. We need to see a Dr. if things are not looking up.
I totally get weirded out sometimes these days. I used to be weirded out all the time every day when I first quit. But, I could feel it getting better by the moment.
It is brain damage, likely permanent. My brain had to rewire.
Call it what you want, but that is how I see it. I don't need a Harvard educated physician to tell me what I can learn from google.
Bottom line: never ever drink again.
Thanks.
I know it causes some readers here frustration to read I don't take any rx meds, but i offer it as a consideration. Bottom line is depression or worse is real. We need to see a Dr. if things are not looking up.
I totally get weirded out sometimes these days. I used to be weirded out all the time every day when I first quit. But, I could feel it getting better by the moment.
It is brain damage, likely permanent. My brain had to rewire.
Call it what you want, but that is how I see it. I don't need a Harvard educated physician to tell me what I can learn from google.
Bottom line: never ever drink again.
Thanks.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Contr0ls, I use insight timer app to get the metta meditations but you can search on YouTube for either “love and kindness” or “metta” meditations and loads come up. Took me a while to find ones that I liked as some of the people doing it’s voices or way of speaking got on my nerves which defeated the object of the exercise lol. x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I think your feelings are somewhat common. I'll share what I experienced. I knew I was mad at certain people in my life but being a drunk, what do you do? Once I sobered up and I knew I was justified in my feelings and was able to stand on my own two feet, I crafted a plan and implemented it. Some of it meant minimal contact with my immediate family, not easy. The other was to try to start loving myself instead of hating myself. That continues to be a struggle, but its better. Hang in there.
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