Life
 

Time to move on from Alcohol. It has brought nothing but shame, pain, hurt and humiliation to me the last 15 years. I can truthfully say that.
So much has been destructed because of alcohol. I am going through a very challenging time at the moment. Guilt and what if's. My mind still tells me a quick solution to ease up the painful emotions is Alcohol. This has been my viscous cycle. Even though I been trying for a long time to stay sober- today is day 36. I am going to go for a walk and get to a meeting. For some reason today I was googling three ex's of mine who I had relationships with. All married, with kids, living the dream and their aspirations according to the internet.
Life was never a bowl of cherries when I was with them even when Sober- but my mind goes to "I am the loser" Boy do I have resentments on the way they had made me feel. anyhow just rambling and reflecting on where I am now. Which is not a good place. But at least I am Sober.
I wish I could get to the place where I am an asset to a cause. I enjoy what I do -which is working on staying sober at the current moment-and I feel OK!

Don't judge your insides by the outsides of others. Congrats on day 36! How great is that!

Keyword here is "through", just keep reminding yourself of this. The only way to the other side is through. For years, I tried over, around, under, any which way but through. Through is the path to serenity and peace. Keep moving forward. You got this!

Faith, googling your ex's is just going to cause pain and resentment as you found. For one thing, people generally share good stuff on the web and it's not a realistic picture of their lives. And, we're where we are meant to be at this moment in time. You are meant to be here at 36 days sober, and your ex's are meant to be in different relationships. Have faith in the Universe doing its job. :)

As I have healed, the real me is showing through.

I realized at around 90 days clean that staying sober was going to be hell on Earth.

I googled mental illness recently and I had many of the symtoms.

Now, at 4 plus years without being intoxicated, I have just a few symptoms and I have faith I am not mentally ill any more.

Basically, I like me, but I also have regrets. My wife loves me more than she likes me. She hasn't had an easy go in life. She was mentally and physically traumatized by her family for her first 18 years.

Her first hubby openly cheated on her. She works her tail off and doesn't have any bad vices except entry level hoarding. I am lucky.

My libido is up these days and I want more intimacy from my wife. She dealt w me not being very intimate for about 15 years and now I expect her to change?

I am disgusting jerk. I am thinking about ways to find some other women to satisfy me. What a total jerk.

So, I am not going to cheat on her. I am going to act like a respectful and awesome hubby and deal with it.

I am just these days beginning to see the real me. For a while, the first 3 or so years of quitting being a fat drunk, I was overly sensitive. Those days are gone.

I am still sensitive, but I am also not afraid to get a little salty if folks bump me too hard. I might do it in the bathroom mirror these days, but at least I have some gumption.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Thanks.

Yep I can completely identify hon.

Are you working the steps? Step 4 really helped me with all of that stuff! I can honestly say I don't have what if's now. Or if one does fleetingly pop up I use my programme around it. I am where I am. You are where you are. We cannot change the past. As alcoholics we were really sick people. The good news is that you are beginning your journey of becoming well. Thank God we have stopped NOW and have been given a 2nd chance at life. Some never get that chance 😞

Keep doing what you are doing. Going to meetings, working with your sponsor. The steps are literally changing me as a person. It is a miracle. Oh and one bit of advice my first sponsor used to say to me. DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD!! My head would always be telling me how **** I was , what a loser I am . I had to start to really challenge that thinking. I would literally say to myself out loud,,,shut up I am not listening to you! I am not what you say I am. Haha sounds crazy?? Well, I'm an alcoholic, I am crazy lol!!! I have seen how you respond to others on this forum. So much kindness and empathy. I certainly do not see a loser. I see someone who is taking time out to help others. That is not the trait of a loser.

One day at a time, we stay sober and start to work on becoming the people we always were meant to be.

🙏❤🙏❤

Thank you very much for all the THOUGHTFUL responses.
I think I was having a pity party for myself and correct I should not listen to my head. This is really my alcoholism at its finest. I went for a long walk and had a nap. Read my bored. I have not been on FB for months and it has been marvelous. Absolutely Marvelous!

:tyou

I can relate. I have also been an alcoholic for 15 years, at least, that is my most accurate estimate I believe. I also have left a trail of destruction in my wake and have a horrible habit of sending messages to exes while intoxicated. I went so far as to disable my Facebook and keep no contacts in my phone because I can't seem to think rationally after a certain amount to drink. I cringe for days after sending out a stupid message.

I am the prototypical 'Jekyll and Hyde' drinker. I've been arrested more times than I can remember. Multiple ER trips. Ruined relationships. All because of alcohol. Yet, I still would love a beer right now.....

Madness.

I hope I don't appear to be strange or weird, but once sober the mind is going a drastic change. Think of autobiographical memory which is personal and self reflective thoughts and memories through experience. And then cognitive memory like learnt tasks, logical reason, and the ability to focus beyond yourself.

The limbic system in the brain regulates mood, heart rate, sweating, and feeling flustered. It also regulates hormones that control mood and survival, it also gives us coarse of action for outcomes that match our mood. It also attaches emotional pain and pleasure to events and memories. Also of these attributes are suppressed with drugs and alcohol, and tend to be typical withdrawal symptoms.

Its the reason why people don't feel themselves, "two voices in their head" disappointment and fear of the future, ashamed, guilt, and sometime suicidal.

I tend to believe all these thoughts is natural from someone that is healing. Congratulations on the 36 days!

That is me!!! Facebook and exes.