JdA23

So Im trying to navigate a situation with an open mind. My wife and I are both in recovery she has a year and Im in my 9th month. We've been together for 3 years and married for 2. Since she's been sober, she's very hesitant to be around my family, they are drinkers. So i understand but at the same time, she rarely comes around to my family functions anymore, I told my dad would like to see her for Thanksgiving. She is working in the AM but I figured she could swing by for an hour or so afterwards and say hi. She told me the other day, she wasnt going to. Then i find out last night that she's going to her Sober friends(AA sisters) annual thanksgiving instead. I instantly built a resentment. I feel like Im making excuses for her when I shouldnt have to. Im not forcing her to be somewhere she doesnt want to be. But it would be nice for her to make an appearance so Im not the one having to explain, where she is and why. Thoughts... and thank you.

SoberRican

Think outside the box for a second brother. I get that she is bucking on going to your folks . and I get your side as well. Your like come on an hour babe etc etc. But maybe this could be a trigger for her feel me. Just saying. I say go with the flow visit your folks aint no explaining she had prior commitment. ✌

SoberRican

Ps. Glad your doing good on your journey. I'm at 207 days myself my friend. That is epic for me. ✌

doggonecarl

I read your first post (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...new-forum.html (New to the forum)) and it sort of adds a different context to this post. You miss your old life and blame sobriety on the change. I see a little resentment of AA (you called it a wedge) so I can see where having your wife pick an AA function over a family one might cause resentment.

But maybe your wife doesn't miss her old life. Perhaps AA gives her the contentment you wish you had, but don't. And maybe what you resent is her contentment and willingness to do what it takes to protect her sobriety....just speculating.

You shouldn't have to make excuses. Ask your wife "What do you want me to tell my family?" And then relay that on Thanksgiving.

JdA23

You are correct, and AA is in my resentment list. I guess it could be all perspective. My family is close, my mother passed away 5 years ago from cancer and we've all been hanging on by a thread to keep the family traditions going, so it's important to me that I am there especially for my father, who's not in the best of health. So I push through the uncomfortable feeling of being around alcohol and such "TO" be there for my dad and my family. But being the only sober one can get uncomfortable and it would be comforting for her to be there to support me just as I support her for going somewhere else.

JdA23

You are correct, and AA is in my resentment list. I guess it could be all perspective. My family is close, my mother passed away 5 years ago from cancer and we've all been hanging on by a thread to keep the family traditions going, so it's important to me that I am there especially for my father, who's not in the best of health. So I push through the uncomfortable feeling of being around alcohol and such "TO" be there for my dad and my family. But being the only sober one can get uncomfortable and it would be comforting for her to be there to support me just as I support her for going somewhere else.

nez

Have you told her this? And without adding anything else like how you support her recovery because the extra words will just be more words that she needs to process and the important ones that she needs to hear are the first ones. :~)

newhope01

JdA23

I haven't discussed it because the last thing I'd want is to guilt her into going. I think what I'm looking for is a way to navigate my own feelings. To reach inside and get a reign on them. mostly because my first reaction was an unhealthy one. Which is why Im grateful to have a forum like this to discuss and circumvent it. But i think she knows and she's pretty pretty steadfast on her recovery, as am I but i'll tread through the mud for the greater good to where she'll find another way around.

JdA23

I appreciate the sentiments. We do miss her. i would love it if my family could have a sober event but i think that would take center stage. I know she is protecting her sobriety and I have to always remind myself that my sobriety is not like hers and vice versa. it's a heavy topic with my sponsor. My wife and I hold each other accountable which helps in our recovery but it gets scary when we go our separate ways to manage it.

daisy1

I had to tell my parents I'm not coming for Christmas which didn't go down well. But my brother said 'you have to do what it takes'. As well as everyone drinking being a potential trigger, I also didn't want it to be the big elephant in the room, everyone being aware of it. As time goes by hopefully all of these things get easier!

SoberCAH

I remember my first 2 or 3 sober Thanksgivings.

They were awful, for a variety of reasons, but in large part because I would be around my parents' heavy drinking and immature behavior when my ex-wife and I visited their home (where I was raised).

I was so careful to not expose myself to alcohol early on, but had to compromise that safety if I was going to visit my parents.

And they kept their bottles of liquor (most of which were 1.75's, I might add) on a tray in the kitchen and not in cabinets.

Having to look at them as an adult who was trying to get sober was a real pain in the neck, particularly since they represented what had destroyed our family life when I was growing up.

I'm sorry that your wife won't be there to support you, but it sounds like she is doing a great job of protecting her sobriety.

I would pray very hard before you go to this function and during it and afterwards as well.

Good luck with your efforts.

JdA23

Thank you for the kind words. She is doing great! I'm so grateful to be able to get such different perspectives from fellow folks in recovery to not get so wrapped in my mind. I will take you up on your advice and pray before I attend the function.

DriGuy

I totally understand your wife. It sounds like she's committed to sobriety and taking it seriously. We caution newcomers about that kind of risk here all the time.

Atlast9999