Sohard

Just some thoughts!

I am now at day 201. It is amazing to me that I don't know the exact date without looking at my sober app counter. There was a time when I was so desperate I was even counting 1/2 days. Or I would try to make myself feel better at, say 27 days, by saying "in 1 day I'll be on my second month!". Anything to speed up time and be able to pat myself on the back to help me keep going.

It has, of course, become much easier. And, my life is much, much, MUCH calmer than it ever was. Things are just much more in control and safe now. Before, it felt like everything was a crap shoot and life was out of control. Now, I know I got this. I can do life. That there isn't some trick everyone else has that I don't. Well, I guess their trick was sobriety. Now I have it too.

At times I get sad, like we all do (like about people who have passed) and I feel like saying f-it. An uncle died 3 days ago (right when I'd sunk into a bit of a depression about my dad), and I thought about drinking. I realized quickly, though, how much HARDER life would be if I drank. God, I can't even IMAGINE. Emotionally, but also just logistically.

So, my way out of my alcohol addiction (thus far) has been reading recovery literature, reading SR, studying addiction, therapy, and medication for anxiety/depression. It has, without a doubt, been transformative. My life literally looks COMPLETELY different than when I started this whole sobriety journey about 3 years ago. It took a while to get it right (or, as right as it is now), but here I am at day 201. I have a great job, super home (I'm a homeowner! WHAT?!), a dog, my health, brighter eyes, fresher skin, healthier hair. The list goes on. I have a louder and quicker laugh and a peace I've never known.

But.

I know. CRAZY there is a "but". That's the nature of the addiction, I guess. Anyway, BUT. The past couple of weeks have just been shakey for me. It's been a bummer. I thought I was DONE with this craziness. As crazy as it sounds, I think the new winter season has been a jolt. I'm simply not used to being sober in the colder, darker weather. I'm guessing the same way the warm weather was difficult 201 days ago on May 6th (boy how I wanted to go out on the patio and have a drink!), now this colder weather feels new and uncomfortable sober for me. The darkness, I think, adds a bit of a darker mood that didn't come along with the summer days. Who knows, but I think it's fair to attribute some of my squirrel-iness to the new season and getting used to it sober.

I will never go back to who I once was. This, I know. I spent every day from 17-42 addicted to cigarettes or alcohol. Once you live free of those addictions, as I have the past 201 days, and know what that feels like, you simply can't go back, at least with any peace in it. Now, I'd know what I was missing. As troubling as this may sound, I sincerely did not realize what crap I felt like back then and how hungover and beyond the eight ball I was. Since I'd 'always' been like that since 17, I didn't know I was at such a life disadvantage. Now, I know.

But.

I've started to fantasize about drinking a bit, and it scares me. NEVER in the morning or afternoon. Only at night. And I've noticed myself reading less here, studying addiction less (Jesus, I can't imagine there is anything I don't know at this point!), and feeling a bit more like "I can't drink" when two months ago I felt "I'm choosing not to drink".

Okay, this is what I'm trying to get at: because not drinking has become much, much EASIER, it is now making it more attractive. Like, oh, I can have just ONE.

I'm not an idiot. I know I can't have just one. I KNOW this. But, the thoughts scare me (even though I can't imagine acting out of them), and my relative distance from SR lately made me wonder if I'm heading somewhere I don't want to head.

I've learned so much here I use every day ("play the tape forward"; AVRT; "you didn't get THIS far just to get THIS far"; etc.). And I've already run the moderation experiment last year after 4 months. No surprise there - it didn't work.

I don't want to discourage ANYONE who is now in early days. GOD LIFE IS BETTER SOBER. And it DOES get easier. MUCH easier. Not drinking got much, much easier (for me) every day from 1 to about 175. And I certainly don't intend to drink now (see?!?! that didn't even SEEM very strongly worded!!!). What I believe is that I need to get over some type of hump here. A wall. A tricky part of the obstacle course. And, that, if I can, it might be a game changer. A terrific, life changing game changer. I just REALLY don't want to get knocked out of the obstacle course now. I really don't. And, as you can tell, my confidence ain't too hot at the moment. And, in my experience, state of mind is everything. I really need to change this.

So I'm writing all this. Thanks for any advice. I'd love to hear from all the folks who I thank for getting me this far (dwtbd; Mesaman; Dee; Mac; backandscared; etc.......) and anyone else on SR who has any advice to give. I know you are a wise group!

THANK YOU ALL!

Dee74

First off SoHard - congrats on 201

I think everyone gets a little nervy and tetchy their first festive season - I know I did.

I think it's very common to wonder how we'll have negotiate not drinking, maybe being around drinkers, what will people think? will I have fun still...and maybe even those thoughts of maybe I can drink safely now?

thoughts are thoughts - it's what we do in response that matters.

Abstinence is not the same as control.

Your life sounds like it's getting better and better - I'd contend that's because you are not longer a drinker ...not because you suddenly learned or relearned how to be a normal drinker.

No Thanksgiving here of course but I didn't do anything my first Xmas - it was more important for me that year to be safe ad secure but I've done Xmas every year since - those sober Xmases have been among my best Xmases ever.

I hope you'll look back and think the same too

D

silentrun

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. What helps me most when I sense something is off is to just keep posting and interacting with other people in recovery and things start to click and move along.

The "fantasizing" about drinking would be concerning no matter how much time a person has been in recovery. I'm always very careful to monitor my self talk about alcohol. I have never allowed myself to recall the taste or the feeling of drinking. I have a little guard standing watch on that one. I'm sure you know it's nothing like we make it out to be. There was a reason we wanted to get away from it.

Sohard

Thanks, Dee. Unfortunately, and I wish it was, but I don't think it is holiday related. Only because, in my multiple quests for sobriety, I was also sober the past two thanksgivings and Christmases. In fact, I was psyched about that then. Not having to muddle through such times hungover?! Wow that rocked. I mean of course it was challenging being newly sober, but something about it I loved.

Other than this 201, the most I'd ever been sober was 145 days. Then I got my awesome new job, celebrated with wine, and was on and off (largely on) until last May 6th. (Thank god I kept my new job that first year. Whew.) I just feel like it's been so long since I COULD drink, when I want to feel like it's been so long since I HAD to drink. I need to flip my mind somehow. I don't even know. I just MISS it right now. I just want to run next door and order a drink and think "Well done, So hard! You've done great!". But, well, LIFE'S NOT OVER. I can't celebrate living a sober life with a drink! I'm not sure I even get what's going on in my own head.

I think boredom plays a role too. I've picked up MANY new things in sobriety. But, well, they aren't drugs. And, alcohol is a drug. It just does give you a big dopamine hit. I think I miss that. I don't get that in my sober life. I get lots of other super stuff (safety; security; more money; a job; etc.), but it's not a drug. And, well, there is a reason drugs are addictive. Dopamine feels good.

UGH!

I REALLY appreciate all the support!

Sohard

Thank you, SilentRun. I really appreciate your help!

silentrun

Your post got me thinking about a term I've heard on this board before.

You could try looking for some information on this.

least

Congrats on your ever-growing sober time! You should be tickled pink.

As to the thoughts of drinking, keep in mind that thoughts are not actions and that you can keep them from becoming actions. The power is in your hands. Don't let yourself down. I know you can do this. I have faith in you.

Sohard

Sohard

SoberRican

Good morning . hey I'm a little ahead of you with 204 days of not having the sauce. Now dont get me wrong I would be lieing if I said I didnt miss boozing. Thus Why would we do it for so long. But us boozers or ex boozers took it to the extreme least I did . I drank myself sick. Booze junkie . pretty sad when you look back. Right now I am tottaly content in my life booze free. But I do have my quirks like for instance I told my girlfriend if I start talking about wanting to booze or anything of that nature to shoot it down . but heres the kicker I would say something she be like no you dont want to do that. What do I do? I get mad like dont tell me what to do. Pretty messed up but I do catch myself and go about my day. You we are only one drink away from total chaos . least I know for me it would be. In a nut shell. We ain't missing nothin I promise you. Lets keep going on this journey yeah? ✌

Fusion

Euphoric recall brought me to my knees after two and a half years, contentedly sober. Some adverse life events, AV took, that opportunity to allege that I was capable of “a couple of drinks” to switch my brain off and chill-out. Not so. I nearly didn’t make it back.

My brain will never unlearn how to ride a bicycle, horseride, play the piano, drive a car etc. Maybe a little rusty with the piano playing at first, but those neural pathways would soon clear and fire back up as smooth super-highways.

I have a couple of PMs from you, SoHard, that are super-pertinent to this issue. They’ll be heading to your inbox! If I could’ve moderated, been an occasional drinker, I would’ve done so years ago.

My habituated brain lied to me. It cannot be trusted. Dopamine is just an excuse. From my research, the main dopamine hit is the ‘anticipation’ of a drink. It’s the carrot part of the reward circuit, not a post drink reward, it attempts to guide repetitive behaviour, after the brain has learned a new habit, which appears beneficial.

Tommyh

congradulations on your days of sobriety and what you have going for you.You have a lot going on thats is good
one drink for me would destroy all the good I have in my life very quickly.
Romancing a drink will lead me to taking that drink
I try very hard to remember how miserable drinking was for me.I never could drink that one drink,it just got me to the second, third etc

Sometimes I examine my thinking.Whats true and whats a lie.The thought of a drink or drug is a plain out lie.Sometimes when lies creep into my thinking,I get busy physically and try hard to turn my attention to something else.A idle mind for me will let those thoughts try to creep in,so I get going about something good around the house
nothing overly strenuous,just some task,and sometimes I call a friend and say,hey,hows it going?
Or I say,dang temptation is eating my lunch today!Then I listen to what they have to say
so,I try not to fight this thing alone.Sometimes I just shoot up a simple prayer and do the next right thing
counting my blessings is a great tool for me,I used to count my problems and that made me feel crappy
sometimes emotions just make us feel bad and I remember,this too shall pass
I just weather the storm,one day at a time until it passes

best of luck to you
we`re with you

DriGuy

Congratulations on 201, but keep in mind that's less than a year, and there is still more to do. I don't know if you are headed for a drink, or just in a bad place. I don't think you are going to drink, because you seem to have a solid understanding of how alcoholism and recovery work. You clearly know what you have to do.

So lets look at the fear. I'm on this track, because I've gone through something similar years ago, and it was about the same time in my sobriety as where you are now. I knew I wasn't going to drink, but I still feared that I might, as if some unknown new strategy from my AV could upset the balance, or that some unknown power outside of myself could force me to push alcohol down my own throat.

You get a taste of how good sobriety is, and it's natural to worry about losing it. But let's not carry it to an extreme. You are in control and always are, and you determine your behavior. No matter how ridiculous your head games get, you still choose whether you drink or not. That's all there is. Alcohol is NOT cunning, baffling, and powerful. It's just a chemical substance. What's cunning, baffling, and powerful is your head games, and I think Bill Wilson knew that when he anthropomorphized alcohol with human characteristics.

You play the games, but choosing whether to drink is always your call. You said you already know you're not going to drink. I knew that too when I started to fear that I might drink. When I recognized my choice in the matter, my fear left. I actually willed it away. Why bother with fear when your realize you don't have to be afraid?

Don't let emotions get in the way. Instead of fearing the worst, approach the problem intellectually instead. You have the power, because you have the choice. Choose not to drink. That's an intellectual decision. You already know this. Just keep doing it, and you will always win the battle. Do it long enough, and it won't even be a battle. You will just be normal you, a guy that doesn't drink because he doesn't see any reason to.

REASON! That's what you do from here on.

ClarkGrizwold

As far as the dark winters I load up on oranges and fruit. I also like to watch movies set in tropical settings as I can almost put myself in Florida when the snow is falling in Ohio LOL it works and keep up the good work.

soberclover

I lived in Vermont for many years and discovered that I needed to get light therapy. It felt strange sitting in from of my "happy light", but it really did wonders for me. The othering thing I first thought when reading your initial post is - life is happening for you and that is SO awesome -. This is where recovery gets challenging. You've researched your addiction and you've made support connections. And time is passing and feelings/thoughts are bubbling up. I needed to start thinking about "emotional sobriety" at this point (new direction for my research). Recovery is a process not a destination. For me, it's never ending. There are new adventures my life will always encounter and new directions I will need to go. You are right where you are supposed to be

biminiblue

Perfectly normal to have these thoughts.

My answer to them remains the same, "I don't drink. No matter what."

In my opinion it's just that simple. All the internal dissonance is just a bunch of memories firing up.

Memories aren't real and as long as you go to bed sober you've done it right.

I long ago came to terms with the crazy thoughts that *someday*...because, just no. It's not gonna happen. I already ran that experiment and it continues to blow up the lab every time.

dwtbd

I never say I can't, because I can.

But I don't, if I hear/feel " can't" , I know it's coming from a liar, I ignore known liars.

My beast can't get anymore booze, too bad for It.

Wholesome

I had occasional drinking thoughts into my first year and beyond. So what? There's all kinds of things that sometimes I want but that I'm never going to get. Plus the real you doesn't want to ruin everything with a lousy drink. Ef that. Gross.

Thoughts are just thoughts, as long as you never act on them you'll be alright. It keeps getting better and easier. You're doing great!

Sohard

Thank you, everyone. I appreciate all the guidance. I really do. It's given me a lot to think about. The euphoric recall thing is so true. It's crazy I think back to what I enjoyed about alcohol but not all the HORRIFIC moments I had with it. I am going to try to counteract those good thoughts with some of the many really bad ones going forward.

I've also been thinking about my whole sobriety journey. When I started this a few years ago it was because I'd gotten seriously depressed/anxious. I've always had depression and anxiety, but this was different. It was a true mental health crisis. Within about 3 months of starting a new high dose medication and continuing therapy, I'd started to eat better, contemplate changing my drinking habits, etc. It was startling clear I'd been self-medicating for decades because, up until this point, I hadn't been appropriately medicated. I finally understood why I'd been doing what I'd been doing. I had been fighting a battle with no help. No wonder I was trying to sooth myself with alcohol.

Anyway, so I started my sober journey a couple of years ago and made 140 days and drank. While I enjoyed it (that night, not the next morning), I also realized something; I couldn't go back to who I was 140 days prior. Back then, I'd needed to drink, both because of my addiction and bc of my depression/anxiety. I could sit and drink and drink and drink and drink, etc. It was like breathing. But, 140 days later, now correctly medicated and no longer with any tolerance, more than once in the following year when I was on and off I found myself blacked out, embarrassed, and truly sick. My addiction had taught me to drink and drink and drink, but I could no longer handle it with no tolerance and with the high level of medication I was on. And yet, I couldn't now become a "normal" drinker, because, you know, the whole can't turn a pickle into a cucumber thing. I found myself in many more embarrassing situations in the year following my 140 day sobriety stretch than I had before. Thankfully, most of those situations were with family at home.

My point, even if I WANTED to go back to drinking, I can't go back to who I once was before i got sober. This is, of course, a terrific thing (I wasn't in too great a situation back then obviously). I think, however, there is just something a bit scary about that too. It's like I'm stuck in this new me. While I am in a much, much better predicament than the old me, it is still new. And the newness feels a bit uncomfortable sometimes. Hopefully that will wear off. I read somewhere getting sober is like learning a new language and being told you can never use your old language. For a long time, it is tempting to go back to your original language. It's what you know. Eventually, though, your second language becomes second nature. I guess I'm still tempted to use my first language. Of course, I KNOW if I ever did, I'd be RIGHT BACK to wanting to use it all the time. And, of course, my old language has no place in my new life. It doesn't fit here.

Just doing some more thinking!

Sohard

This is FASCINATING. Thank you!