Tbh2002

Hello,
43 year old female - healthy diet, marathon runner and competitive athlete.
- Sheltered childhood and started drinking at around 19. Smoked a lot from 20-30 years old. Went stupid with the freedom of university away from hometown. Then 6 years as a professional expat in a country where partying is a part of the culture. Got depressed at this time but never thought about consequences. Married then moved back home but continued to drink in problematic amounts but maintained a professional job and stayed quite active.
Had first child 10 years ago and second 8 years ago. No problem being sober while pregnant. Changed lifestyle dramatically after kids born but got caught up in the whole "mummy wine" culture at times. Got very fit nine years ago and more mindful of drinking but still loved having a few wines a couple of times during the week.
Have not been stupidly drunk for about 7 years and that was a one off. Have had a few parties like Xmas etc where I have had a few too many but once a year or so.
I feel so dumb because I recently actually checked a standard drink and I have been drinking more than recommended amounts on a fairly regular basis. I am a college professor and can't believe I didn't know this.
I am aware that my dependence on alcohol is less severe than many others here so feel like a bit of an impostor.
Recently, I have had a huge mental health setback regarding health anxiety after a melanoma scare (benign in the end). I am now spiralling in terms of thinking of the damage I have done due to my early years of heavy drinking. I have to see an ENT in December for an ongoing throat issue (hoarseness and mucus) but I have convinced myself I have all kinds of cancers and it is because of previous lifestyle. I have insane hunger pangs all the time despite eating well.
All my blood tests came back fine recently. I am still running 20-ish kms a week and weightlifting 2-3 times a week but I am struggling mentally.
I feel like I have cancer and I am not going to see my kids grow up and die a slow, horrible death. All my fault. Recently, a healthy friend from high school passed a way from metastatic cancer. And I have heard of a lot of other people.
Good news is that I have COMPLETELY stopped drinking and it is no problem. I am enjoying it. I am certain I can continue not to drink and am looking forward to it. I have not drunk anything for a week and no desire to.
I feel like a mess.
TLDR: 43 Female, drank heavily from 20-30, regular moderate (heavy side) until 42. Smoked 20-30. Recent health symptoms and very anxious have cancer caused by heavy drinking/partying. Have two kids and my guilt is eating me up. Have stopped drinking.

Thank you everyone.

doggonecarl

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

Tbh2002

Thank you

least

Welcome to the family. Getting sober for good is the best thing I've ever done for myself. You'll find lots of support here.

ciowa

Welcome. One thing that can happen with folks who stop drinking is Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms and that can be the basis for an increase in stuff like anxiety, depression etc. Youtube has some good videos with graphics and the like.

Dee74

Welcome tbh

first off no one here is an impostor - our problem is big enough for each of us to reach out for help

Health anxiety is pretty common amongst most of us, especially when we quit.
The best thing to do, although scary is to do all the tests - thats the only way you're going to find health related piece of mind.

Many of us drank very hard for many years and a lot of us seem to have gotten off pretty lightly health wise. I hope you'll be the same.

Its not immediately apparent to me what your long terms plan for drinking are though?

Do you want to quit for good?

D

mamatofour

You sound much like myself. Wasn't aware of the amount of alcohol that is considered one drink (three glasses of wine by my measurements was WAY over the recommended amount) , worried about medical issues, worried about leaving my kids with no mom, and living an ex-pat life (which I am currently doing). I also feel like an imposter here (as I could give up drinking pretty easily compared to others, however still had several months of withdrawal affects). I read here for a year but just recently joined and have only posted once before now.

Good news is, leaving the alcohol behind will do amazing things for your body. Having said that though, I was diagnosed with a low grade breast cancer two months after I quit drinking (usually a bottle of wine a day). While I have no way of knowing what caused this cancer, my mind tells me it was alcohol. It was completely curable but still caused me to really consider the damage done. And worry about what may pop up in the future. So, I get it.

All I can recommend is to visit the doctor and have him check you out. If you are anything like me, the anxiety will consume you until then. But, afterwards, you will have peace of mind. I also found my overall anxiety level was quite high when I first stopped my daily wine. That gradually subsided. It's been a year now since I quit. World of difference.

I wish the best for you! Now, if only I could get into an exercise routine like you have.....

Tbh2002

Thank you.
My long term plan is to not drink again. I don't feel I need it and I spend a lot of time and money on other areas of my health - it's silly to continue.

I have always had health anxiety. I had these feelings before I completely stopped. I have regular check ups and doctors say I have amazing blood test results.
I don't know what to say to a doctor, like "I'm a super fit 43 year old who eats 7 servings of veggies a day. I recently quit drinking and want to get a scan for cancer all over my body". They will laugh at me.

Dee74

I really don't think they will laugh. Most doctors have heard everything, honestly.

The vast majority of us had health anxiety...it's very normal I think to stop drinking and suddenly feel the dread that we;ve pushed things too far.

The most common outcomes are far far better than we fear

I'm glad you're thinking about long term abstinence

Derringer

"a huge mental health setback"
" am now spiralling in terms of thinking"
"I have convinced myself I have all kinds of cancers"
"I am struggling mentally."
"I feel like I have cancer and I am not going to see my kids grow up and die a slow, horrible death"

You should probably get in touch with a psychiatrist or therapist of some kind.

Tbh2002

Accurate observation. I do need to see a professional and intend to do so.

NicLin

Welcome, you will a wonderful community of people here who genuinely want to see you succeed at sobriety and a happy life.

I am 4 months sober and life is soooo much better without alcohol.

kenton

Hi Tbh, nice to meet you. You sound very similar to me. I'm a mother of 4 kids, run marathons, went to university, always worked, eat healthily and I'm an alcoholic. I can not control my drinking once I start but luckily I discovered 3 years ago that if I just control taking that first drink, I no longer have to worry about black outs, guilt, shame and all that other stuff that for me, is tightly interwoven with alcohol.

One peculiar worry I had during my first year of sobriety was a fear of being sent to prison. I've never been in trouble with the police, never broken the law....there was absolutely nothing to base this fear on. But I used to lie awake at night worrying about it. What if I get framed for a crime I didn't commit? How would I cope being seperated from my kids if I was in prison? It was completely groundless but the fear was real.

I stayed sober and checked in here everyday to ensure I stayed sober and slowly the anxiety started to unwind. I started practising mindfulness, I did a lot of soul searching, I became honest with myself ..... For maybe the first time ever. Slowly I started to realise that my irrational fear was linked to my deeply held negative core belief that I am worthless. This core belief was formed many years before I started drinking (and I started drinking at 14). Over the years I tried everything to hide this core belief .... But all the academic success and marathon running couldn't hide it completely ..... Even all the alcohol I used to drink couldn't hide it completely. It was always there. And it was manifesting itself as fear. I didn't feel worthy to be a mum, a wife and a friend. And because I didn't feel worthy, I felt like I would lose everything precious to me by being locked away from everyone I love. The irony is, when I was drinking I was already locked away from everyone I love. It's impossible to be fully in any moment when you're recovering from drinking or thinking about when to start drinking.

The good news is, I no longer lie awake at night worrying about being convicted of a crime I didn't commit. Sure, that might happen one day but if it does, I'll deal with it then. Anxiety no longer controls my mind and I have sobriety to thank for that. My advice? Stay sober. Get your physical health checked out. Stay sober. Start to explore the real reasons beneath your anxiety. Stay sober. You sound strong and I know you'll be able to do this. We're all here whenever you need any support xxx

Tbh2002

Thank you for the response. I am cautiously confident I can stay sober because I want to. I usually good at sticking to things I want to do. I’ve bern able to have a few drinks and stop for quite a while but I am just better off without it. I’m sort of having flashbacks of all the stupid amounts if drinking in my 20s and can’t believe that was me.
I will go to a doctor this week and mention my fears and health anxiety. Recent tests were all good but for some reason I think I have incurable cancer.
Oh and I’m glad you didn’t get arrested

brighterday1234

There’s a wonderful life in sobriety/recovery if you want it.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

It sounds like you are very successful in many aspects of your life, which helps to build a wall of denial around the seriousness of your alcohol abuse.

That's something I did. It was like I unconsciously set goals to achieve stuff to prove to myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. Because an alcoholic couldn't achieve X, so I couldn't be one.

However, inevitably I crashed and burned because my body reached a point, at age 46, where it just couldn't handle alcohol the way it did at 26. Physical withdrawal symptoms every morning led me to drinking a beer or two in the morning. It was a downhill ride from there.

Fortunately for me I was able to get sober before I started to lose stuff, like my marriage, access to my kids, my job, my long term health, etc. I've passed the 60 year old mark, and have been sober now for many years. My life is good. If I can do this, so can you.

Be honest with your Doctor, hang out on this website every day, and consider face to face help (for me that was AA). That's the foundation of what I did.

Auchieshuggle

You have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, which is manifesting itself as hypochondria. I'm forty years old - so I think we're about the same age - and I am also experiencing health anxiety, only my concern is with my heart. I have has palpitations recently, and this led me to believe I have an undiagnosed heart problem. I have had an ECG and I am fine, but I am suffering panic attacks.

What I would say to you is:

1) Have you ever considered your drinking may have been self-medication for an anxiety disorder? You drank and, suddenly, all your anxieties melted away?

2) Accept the damage you have done. You cannot undo the drinks taken, however there is a lot of research which indicates epigenetics plays a role in cancer and its remission, and that diet can have a huge impact on this. Controversially some people claim to have put stage 4 cancer into remission through diet and lifestyle choices. What I am essentially saying here is that you can make positive changes to mitigate the risk (that's what I am doing with my heart).

3) Try to practice meditation and accept what will be will be. I know this is harder said than done, and I am guilty of wasting the present worrying about the future. Consider the serenity prayer - there's a reason why that's recited at AA meetings.

Best wishes and God bless you.

Dee74

I think we need to be careful about diagnosing others.

Anxiety is a hallmark of many peoples withdrawal.

A lot of people get this kind of health hyper awareness when they quit - not all of them will have a history of anxiety or a chronic anxiety condition?

D

Tbh2002

Thank you for the responses. I do have an anxiety disorder - was diagnosed with health anxiety many years ago and certainly did self-medicate with alcohol.
I also have a heart condition - a benign arrhythmia (PVCs). My cardiologist said these are normal in women my age, especially those with high anxiety. I am very symptomatic but it is not dangerous. I cant take SSRIs be cause of it though.
I am seeing a psychologist next week. I am going through a very dark time. I have just been diagnosed with another issue (a mild organ prolapse) due to childbirth and heavy weightlifting so that feeds my anxiety that my body is failing on me.
I keep thinking about all the drunken nights for years and drinking to excess and what a waste of time and life that was. Struggling to escape the guilt of this now that I have children.
Thank you for the support.

AAPJ

Guilt - the chain around our neck that keeps us down for years after the party is over. You can't change the past and at least to me it looks like you are doing all the right things today. All we have is today and living the best life we can each day is the most positive thing anyone can do. Regarding your wild past. Perhaps it's not all bad. My past activities gave me an understanding of youth and growing up that other parents do not have and I have used these experiences to help guide my children through their teenage years. The trick is not to go so far in the other direction that your child finds you irrelevant.

In the end this quote I found here on SR seems to help when I get into a funk about my past.

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.