NicLin

Thus far I have not had many thoughts of alcohol. I have had it pretty easy and have been able to stay on top of the tricky AV.

Lately though, the thoughts are coming on more intensely and I find myself thinking of stopping, buying it, drinking it, what it would be like, who would really know, etc.

I am getting more bored with the AA life, and the monotony of it. I think, "Well, I have never actually finished anything in my life, who cares if I don't finish this.."

This scared me, terrifies me as I worry that I am already having relapse thinking.

I have to share that these past three weeks have been extremely tough for me. I have lost two people I knew and loved days apart from each other, had to go be there for my devastated best friend (lost her father suddenly to cardiac arrest), then two days ago went to the funeral for my mentor.

The mentor was extremely hard because on top of grieving, I was thrown out of my sobriety bubble and back into my "past life" (I was a sommelier and studied wine, worked in wine and beverage for almost 10 years) and had to come face to face with old professors, classmates, colleagues and many others who I literally disappeared from months ago. I started feeling the bitterness at my disease right away, when I couldn't go "honor Chip's life" with his favorite wine and definitely couldn't tell anyone why.

I am extremely fragile right now, I do not feel spiritually fit, am wondering what the point of all it is and scared ******** that I may relapse.

I do not want to drink, I am scared of once again being powerless of the choice not to.

Nic.

Dee74

I think nearly everyone had those moments of doubt at some point...can I really do this recovery thing? is it viable? was my old life that bad?

The fact that you've come here and posted is a major sign to me that you really want recovery and you're prepared to do whatever it takes.

Not every day will be a trip through scented gardens gamboling with unicorns...I don;t know anyone whos day to day life is like that...but your AV will try and convince you you're failing because you have doubts and down days.

thoughts are thoughts but its what we do in response to them that counts.

You have an advantage her at SR Nic - you can look back and see the proof that your life drinking really was that bad. You can see it in other peoples stories too.

If that way is not viable it stands to reason that the recovery way must be, or at least that's how it seems to me?

I'm sorry for your losses. Its tough.

But to me that's more life affirming than anything else.

We only get one life and one chance to use it to make a difference.

There are deeper and more meaningful ways to honour someones life than a paltry glass of wine.

Throw that thought back in your AV's face - along with the wine.

You can do this NicLin
D

nez

Nothing was more boring and monotonous than my drinking. The same mind numbing cycle day after day.

Also when I did give into thoughts like "who would really know anyway" and return to drinking, most people didn't know it because I hid it well; but the most important person always knew it...and that was me. I couldn't get away from myself and I always saw right through my charade and facade.

I work in fine dining. I plan, implement, and produce food and wine pairing menus. I recommend and talk wine with guests. I open and pour wine for guests. I order wine for the business. My wine knowledge has not disappeared, nor has the knowledge that I am alcoholic. I know and appreciate fine wine, I just don't drink.

I am not bitter towards my disease. I am grateful because it was the impetus I needed to finally know what true freedom is.

snitch

I can really identify with what you are going through. I remember in the early days (I am in AA also) being in my kitchen thinking I can have a night off tonight. No one will know. I can start again tomorrow. That, my friend, is the insanity of this illness. I quit drinking to save my life so a night off?? From saving my life?? Errr ok duh!

(Sorry, edited to say posted too early)

snitch

As for no one knowing. As Nez says, I would know and I am the only person that is worth knowing. Others in AA dont want to see me drink I'm sure, but me drinking doesn't affect their sobriety.

This is where my HP comes into play. Do you have a Higher Power? I ask my HP to restore me to sane thinking. THINK THINK THINK that drink ALL the way through to the bitter end. Say the Serenity Prayer. I cannot change I am an alcoholic and allergic to alcohol but I can take action to make sure I don't pick up a drink. Go to a meeting. Call another alcoholic. Share my thinking. You did that! You came here and posted. That is amazing. That is your sane mind doing that. The one that doesnt want to drink because you know what will happen if you do.

It is good to have a healthy fear of alcohol but you do not need to be scared of relapsing because you are doing all the right things. As far as AA goes, well if you could read all of my posts on AA you would see how I sometimes struggled Haha. However, I kept going back. I am so glad I did. I am the same as you, never finish anything, I had those thoughts as well. Still, I kept going back because I didn't want to drink. I now know that AA is a way of life now. It is never finished but I incorporate the programme into my daily living. Practising the steps not only keeps me sober but also helps me live sober.

Some days do feel really monotonous. I guess that is life for you ? But drinking life? That is monotonous too....and dangerous and depressing and should destroying.

At 19 months sober I still have times when my alcoholism trys to tell me it would be nice to drink. I can't stop that thought from coming but I am am able to be in control of my next thought and my actions.

You are doing great, one day at a time, keep going my friend.

Hodd

DriGuy

You're in new territory now, attending events that include wine. There is still an unfamiliar feel to the new life. Your AV wants you to return to the familiar, not out of malice, but because you are taking it out of it's comfort zone. Intellectually, you know all of this. You know the correct choices. Now become familiar with them on an emotional level.

Don't give up. There is a cliche' in AA, "Don't leave before the miracle happens." OK, I don't believe in miracles, but I do believe that good things happen, and finding the joy in sobriety is about as close to a miracle as I can imagine. One day, there it is, and you say, "Oh, I get it," or you may even be overwhelmed with gratitude. It becomes something that you aren't going to throw away.

You will look back on today, and be happy you didn't give up. You are growing, and part of that involves change. It's a good thing.

DriGuy

It could be the start, but officially, the relapse starts with the first drink. Lots of people have been in your shoes having the same thoughts and doubts, but they didn't have that critical drink. It may be the start of a relapse, but this is where you get to decide whether it's a start or just another passing thought. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A RELAPSE. You have the power to choose the outcome.

sugarbear1

Honor his life by staying stopped because it's the right thing for you to do.

How beautiful is this?

gypsytears

I’m sorry you’re struggling right now. And for your losses. Posting about it here is a strong case for sobriety as opposed to relapsing. You do have choices. Thinking about relapse can be productive if you turn it around towards prevention. Plan how you’re not going to stop for alcohol, how you’re not going to drink. What you are going to do. And so on. I’m not big on AA myself, although I do go to meetings every so often. But if AA is important to your recovery and you’re feeling bored with it, it’s probably a good time to call your sponsor. Go to different meetings. Try different types of meetings like SMART, Refuge Recovery, LifeRing etc.

AAPJ

I see it like this:

1 - Stop drinking
2 - Recovery program
3 - Healthy activities in addition to recovery program

For some folks steps one and two are enough. For others step three is needed so that one does not get "bored with the AA life". But one needs to have a solid recovery program before going to step three.

Recovery is an important stepping stone to a better life. It's not a dead end. But it does take time. Most of us addict types want instant results. It's how we are wired and why we ended up here.

snitch

This is definitely your alcoholism talking. You do not need to honour your friends life with a glass of poison and alcohol is poison to an alcoholic. You honour your friends life by going to his funeral to pay your respects, by remembering and sharing memories of him, giving your condolences to his family members and his other friends.

....and you do not need to explain to anyone why you aren't having a drink. Trust me no one will care. That is something I have learnt in sobriety. Other people really do not care that I am not drinking, unless perhaps they may have a problem themselves.

FeelingGreat

Nic it's great that you recognise the stage you're going through and still don't want to relapse. I dealt with strong cravings using 5 deep breaths and it worked every time. That eventually lead to the realisation that cravings came on when I was physically or mentally stressed. It could be as simple as being thirsty or a little depressed. The breathing helped me calm down and the cravings went away.

Some people start sobriety on wave of positivity and are surprised at how easy it seems. Then once the hard slog begins the AV pops up again, louder than ever. Get through this part and eventually your body will stop calling for a drink every time you are a little tense.

I never have cravings now, and haven't for years, but I don't take my eye off the ball anyway.

Obladi

Hi Nic,

I don't know about you, but sometimes it seems to me that I have something like a constant almost subliminal murmuring that suggests drinking. Like a broken record several flights down from where I am, it continually repeats the refrain, "It doesn't really matter and anyway, no one will know." Not literally, of course, but you know what I mean?

That part of your brain that became conditioned to drink is just doing what it does - suggesting a drink. Which is ridiculous, of course; what would that help?. Isn't that AV a sneaky rotten (and idiotic) b%st^#d to suggest that getting tanked would help you out right now? It's like a blowfish - puffing itself up to intimidate you with no realization whatsoever of how ineffectual it really is. Poor thing. When you look at it that way, it's easy to see that it's just frightened.

There is no need for you to be frightened of drinking, Nic. You 100% absolutely can not possibly drink without your own permission. It's possible what's frightening here is the "is that all there is?" feeling. Which, in my opinion, is completely warranted from time to time. You can feel it, rue it, and revel in it - all without drinking.

Have you expressed how you are feeling at a meeting?

O

Anna

Nic, try to see this as a very tough few days that you've had to go through. Have faith that you will see clearly that your recovery path is the right and best place for you to be.

DriGuy

Early on, I got off to a good start. I knew I was done drinking. There was no doubt in mind... except...

There's always got to be a rotten spoiler in the apple barrel. I loved my sobriety. I was almost nauseating blissful. I was riding an army tank through the jungle and sure of my success. At the same time, I was loving it so much that I started to fear. So why not add some absurd trigger that would trick me into failure?

Suppose my AV took possession of me? I knew I had a trickster inside me, and I started worrying that it might have unlimited unimaginable power that could put all my logic, reasoning, and unbounding joy into a coma long enough to make me drink when I wasn't looking. And I'd wake up drunk.

I'm going to digress at this point for a second because I'm having what may be an insight or something leading into one: This is exactly what happened in all of my drunk dreams. I would dream I suddenly became aware that I was drunk with no recall as to how that happened. I was angry and bitter toward myself that I did this to myself, and remained that way for as long as a minute when I actually did wake up. It was like my AV shut down my consciousness, so it could have it's way with me.

Oh well, to get back on track and to the point, tell your AV to go fly a kite. It may want to trick you, but it's not going to hold much of a grudge, and it does not have unimaginable power to control you like that.

August252015

That's what I believe to, about a relapse. To me, you're catching yourself in the very dangerous territory where acting on that impulse (and even planning/ideas) to drink could turn to action pretty easily.

When I get restless or "squirrelly" (that feeling of unsettled-ness, wanting more, wanting SOMETHINGt to take away whatever is bothering me) I need to act. For me, that does mean coming here, but it means, more importantly, going to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do. Asking someone to coffee and keeping the date. Getting a recovery memoir that's been recommended and going somewhere not at home to read it....

I also find that replacing "I have to..." or "I can't" thoughts (as in, "I can't drink and it sucks") to "I get to live without always planning how to drink and make sure no one knows." And so on.

Glad you are sharing. Do whatever it take for these minutes, hours, days - we often find that with a day or two of changing these kinds of things, there's a turn of tide.

biminiblue

When I get thrown off-balance such as those events you just went through would have done, I have to really double-down on self-care things. More meditation. Better nutrition. Good sleep habits: clean sheets, dark room, set schedule. Walking outdoors.

Every day.

Habits are powerful. Whatever your self-care routine, now's the time.


Sometimes I'll plan out the day hour by hour. Usually for me, these emotionally charged events only stay heavy for a couple days. Then I'm willing to lay them down, turn them over to God. I guess it comes down to acceptance. After that they are much more manageable.

I'm glad you're posting. Keep doing that! It helps.

brighterday1234

ThatWasTheOldMe

I'd rather be bored with friends than die alone of complications from liver cirrhosis.
And I used to vocally hate AA calling it a cult and whatnot. I just wanted to keep drinking - and I did.

I apologize if that's a bit too direct.