Scared, having more intense thoughts of drinking. Has the relapse started?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
Hi Nic,
If i were having these thoughts, I would be very concerned. Ive had them and did relapse shortly after. Its not a safe head space, regardless of the very difficult stuff going on in your world right now.
When I find myself even begin to "romanticize " and get bored with AA (been there) honestly, what I did was sign up for more service and I really wanted to do the opposite, and back away. I signed up to chair, clean up, give rides to girls, really anything I could do. It helped me so much.
Congrats on 19 months, thats huge. Im proud of you for being honest about where you are at.
There is nothing a drink wont make worse. Thanks for reminding me today.
If i were having these thoughts, I would be very concerned. Ive had them and did relapse shortly after. Its not a safe head space, regardless of the very difficult stuff going on in your world right now.
When I find myself even begin to "romanticize " and get bored with AA (been there) honestly, what I did was sign up for more service and I really wanted to do the opposite, and back away. I signed up to chair, clean up, give rides to girls, really anything I could do. It helped me so much.
Congrats on 19 months, thats huge. Im proud of you for being honest about where you are at.
There is nothing a drink wont make worse. Thanks for reminding me today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Thanks so much my dear SR family.
I can feel myself gaining my sanity back little by little. Yesterday I hit two meetings, today I allowed myself to rest and then went to a very special meeting to see my good friend pick up her 6 month chip and give her first speaker meeting.
I then fellowshipped with them and drove home, feeling peaceful. Tonight I did step work and am nearing the end of my fourth step. I will meditate now, and have completed my gratitude list for the night.
My heart is full tonight knowing that I not only have my AA world, but have you guys to help me stay on the right track. I will NOT drink tonight and will not give up before the miracles happen.
They already are happening, I am so excited to see what else is revealed.
Thank you, really.
I can feel myself gaining my sanity back little by little. Yesterday I hit two meetings, today I allowed myself to rest and then went to a very special meeting to see my good friend pick up her 6 month chip and give her first speaker meeting.
I then fellowshipped with them and drove home, feeling peaceful. Tonight I did step work and am nearing the end of my fourth step. I will meditate now, and have completed my gratitude list for the night.
My heart is full tonight knowing that I not only have my AA world, but have you guys to help me stay on the right track. I will NOT drink tonight and will not give up before the miracles happen.
They already are happening, I am so excited to see what else is revealed.
Thank you, really.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,159
Originally Posted by August252015 
That's what I believe to, about a relapse. To me, you're catching yourself in the very dangerous territory where acting on that impulse (and even planning/ideas) to drink could turn to action pretty easily.
When I get restless or "squirrelly" (that feeling of unsettled-ness, wanting more, wanting SOMETHINGt to take away whatever is bothering me) I need to act. For me, that does mean coming here, but it means, more importantly, going to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do. Asking someone to coffee and keeping the date. Getting a recovery memoir that's been recommended and going somewhere not at home to read it....
I also find that replacing "I have to..." or "I can't" thoughts (as in, "I can't drink and it sucks") to "I get to live without always planning how to drink and make sure no one knows." And so on.
When I get restless or "squirrelly" (that feeling of unsettled-ness, wanting more, wanting SOMETHINGt to take away whatever is bothering me) I need to act. For me, that does mean coming here, but it means, more importantly, going to a meeting even if it's the last thing I want to do. Asking someone to coffee and keeping the date. Getting a recovery memoir that's been recommended and going somewhere not at home to read it....
I also find that replacing "I have to..." or "I can't" thoughts (as in, "I can't drink and it sucks") to "I get to live without always planning how to drink and make sure no one knows." And so on.
With my first taste of success about a week into quitting I knew I wanted recovery more than anything. Thoughts and temptations, edgy feelings, bad days, and everything that could pose a threat, even just a small threat, were given a back seat to sobriety. Little things that seemed to work were done without a minutes hesitation. When I did something I had to do to keep me safe, there was never a whine. Instead it was done with pride.
A couple of times, I actually asked myself if I was carrying all this too far, but my immediate response was, "No, never." Sobriety simply became the overriding thing in my life. Everything else was seen as, "How might this affect my drinking?" If it posed a potential threat, it was set off bounds.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Glad you posted, Nic, and I needed to hear some of this right now. I have been slacking off on some of my recovery habits, and I can feel it. I have been having some rather unsettling drinking thoughts and also fear I'm setting myself up for a relapse. Well let me say that differently - I don't really think I'm going to drink right now. I just feel like I'm letting my guard down and thinking from time to time that "maybe I can handle it now." This is truly insane thinking, because of the recent suicide of a friend who relapsed, and rather than try to get sober again, he decided death was better. How I could even THINK a drink might be ok is truly nuts. That's proof that the AV is alive in me somewhere and that any little weakness in my recovery routine is dangerous.
You have been through a lot in the past little while. I have, too (more than just the friend's death, lots of other stressful stuff). For me, I get squirrely when the stress level rises, and I forget to make time to work on recovery a little every day. I'll have 5 years soon. Sometimes I get complacent and think I can slack off on recovery activities. I can't. That doesn't mean I need to think about recovery all day every day like I used to - but I do need to do something toward recovery every day. Even if it's just to post/read here, read a few pages in the big book or one of my other favorite recovery books, or meditate and give thanks for my recovery and the life I now have.
You have been through a lot in the past little while. I have, too (more than just the friend's death, lots of other stressful stuff). For me, I get squirrely when the stress level rises, and I forget to make time to work on recovery a little every day. I'll have 5 years soon. Sometimes I get complacent and think I can slack off on recovery activities. I can't. That doesn't mean I need to think about recovery all day every day like I used to - but I do need to do something toward recovery every day. Even if it's just to post/read here, read a few pages in the big book or one of my other favorite recovery books, or meditate and give thanks for my recovery and the life I now have.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I think you're doing a great job with your recovery, Nic.
Thanks for sharing these challenging times with us.
I hope that you continue working the AA program like you are presently doing.
I couldn't imagine trying to stay sober without AA.
Thanks for sharing these challenging times with us.
I hope that you continue working the AA program like you are presently doing.
I couldn't imagine trying to stay sober without AA.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
Great job working a program!!! That is the most important thing, taking action. I was going to ask if you were working the steps but I see you are on the 4th step, again great work!! Another example of showing action and showing that you really want to change your life and you are putting in the work to make that happen.
For me the miracle happened after the 4th and 5ths steps. My obsession to drink was truly lifted from me. I can tell you that I thought it was all crazy talk but once I was finally desperate enough to listen to a sponsor or do what I was asked that my life changed very quickly. For that reason I would encourage to work with haste, but with complete honesty, on the 4th step and immediately follow with a 5th step with your sponsor.
Another thing I would ask is are you doing service work and working with others? Not that you need to sponsor anyone at this time but you should certainly be talking with new comers and helping set up and tear down meetings. Those are very important parts of AA that aren't talked about like they should be. Being of service will be good for your mind and an important part of AA recovery.
I would also like to add that you have done a great job recognizing that you don't feel right and are taking some action to get ahead of things. Again.... taking action is the most important part of recovery and you seem to be doing a good job at that so keep it up and keep going down the road!
For me the miracle happened after the 4th and 5ths steps. My obsession to drink was truly lifted from me. I can tell you that I thought it was all crazy talk but once I was finally desperate enough to listen to a sponsor or do what I was asked that my life changed very quickly. For that reason I would encourage to work with haste, but with complete honesty, on the 4th step and immediately follow with a 5th step with your sponsor.
Another thing I would ask is are you doing service work and working with others? Not that you need to sponsor anyone at this time but you should certainly be talking with new comers and helping set up and tear down meetings. Those are very important parts of AA that aren't talked about like they should be. Being of service will be good for your mind and an important part of AA recovery.
I would also like to add that you have done a great job recognizing that you don't feel right and are taking some action to get ahead of things. Again.... taking action is the most important part of recovery and you seem to be doing a good job at that so keep it up and keep going down the road!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Thanks everyone.
I am going through strange ups and downs but I will not drink tonight and made a late night meeting. I think I am just feeling a bit down and disconnected and even though I am feeling all of these things, I feel stable. A little low, but stable.
I know I do not want to drink nor really feel the urge, but the tricky ego keeps trying to feed me thoughts of alcohol. I push them out and try to re-focus on the moment in front of me.
I try to understand my life and what does it all mean and try to go very deep into the meaning of all of this, but I am realizing that I don't NEED to understand anything right now, I just need to relinquish what didn't work very well for me all this time...my thinking. I need to surrender to my program and just keep it simple:
My program is my priority, my commitments are my word, and my well-being on all levels is important. Prayers, meditation, work, step work, sponsor, service, fitness and family...that's it. I need to get spiritually fit and out of self.
I know low days will come and go, and it does not mean I will drink.
Thank you family, I will continue to log on here every day, because it helps to keep me sober.
I love you all so much, thank you. You have no idea.
I am going through strange ups and downs but I will not drink tonight and made a late night meeting. I think I am just feeling a bit down and disconnected and even though I am feeling all of these things, I feel stable. A little low, but stable.
I know I do not want to drink nor really feel the urge, but the tricky ego keeps trying to feed me thoughts of alcohol. I push them out and try to re-focus on the moment in front of me.
I try to understand my life and what does it all mean and try to go very deep into the meaning of all of this, but I am realizing that I don't NEED to understand anything right now, I just need to relinquish what didn't work very well for me all this time...my thinking. I need to surrender to my program and just keep it simple:
My program is my priority, my commitments are my word, and my well-being on all levels is important. Prayers, meditation, work, step work, sponsor, service, fitness and family...that's it. I need to get spiritually fit and out of self.
I know low days will come and go, and it does not mean I will drink.
Thank you family, I will continue to log on here every day, because it helps to keep me sober.
I love you all so much, thank you. You have no idea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,159
Originally Posted by NicLin
Thanks everyone.
I am going through strange ups and downs but I will not drink tonight and made a late night meeting. I think I am just feeling a bit down and disconnected and even though I am feeling all of these things, I feel stable. A little low, but stable.
I am going through strange ups and downs but I will not drink tonight and made a late night meeting. I think I am just feeling a bit down and disconnected and even though I am feeling all of these things, I feel stable. A little low, but stable.
Originally Posted by NicLin
I know I do not want to drink nor really feel the urge, but the tricky ego keeps trying to feed me thoughts of alcohol. I push them out and try to re-focus on the moment in front of me.
Originally Posted by NicLin
I try to understand my life and what does it all mean and try to go very deep into the meaning of all of this, but I am realizing that I don't NEED to understand anything right now, I just need to relinquish what didn't work very well for me all this time...my thinking. I need to surrender to my program and just keep it simple:
My program is my priority, my commitments are my word, and my well-being on all levels is important. Prayers, meditation, work, step work, sponsor, service, fitness and family...that's it. I need to get spiritually fit and out of self.
My program is my priority, my commitments are my word, and my well-being on all levels is important. Prayers, meditation, work, step work, sponsor, service, fitness and family...that's it. I need to get spiritually fit and out of self.
Originally Posted by NicLin
I love you all so much, thank you. You have no idea.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Dri Guy said:
The scary part of my AV was that it would try to make me see my success as a reason drink. It's even more dangerous after the cravings leave because you feel so normal. It's almost a perfect strategy for your AV to trap you. It uses your own success against you.
I think this might be what is happening to me right now. I do feel normal most of the time. My AV is trying to tell me that all that ugliness is a thing of the past, and that surely, my relationship with alcohol has changed by now, with all the hard work I have done. "It's been almost 5 years! You don't crave it! You don't need it! You can probably drink like a normie now!" Those are the thoughts that sometimes come unbidden. I can recognize that it's the cunning and baffling AV at work in my head, but it still unsettles me. That's when I know it's time to play the tape forward, and to recall some of the truly horrible times I had before I quit.
The scary part of my AV was that it would try to make me see my success as a reason drink. It's even more dangerous after the cravings leave because you feel so normal. It's almost a perfect strategy for your AV to trap you. It uses your own success against you.
I think this might be what is happening to me right now. I do feel normal most of the time. My AV is trying to tell me that all that ugliness is a thing of the past, and that surely, my relationship with alcohol has changed by now, with all the hard work I have done. "It's been almost 5 years! You don't crave it! You don't need it! You can probably drink like a normie now!" Those are the thoughts that sometimes come unbidden. I can recognize that it's the cunning and baffling AV at work in my head, but it still unsettles me. That's when I know it's time to play the tape forward, and to recall some of the truly horrible times I had before I quit.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: California
Posts: 2,722
Over 33 years since my first AA meeting and Not Bored With It. Once you get thru your step work, dive into service & helping others. Any kind will do!
Just taking a seat in a meeting is a form of service. Not changing one's sobriety date is helpful too.
Just taking a seat in a meeting is a form of service. Not changing one's sobriety date is helpful too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Thanks everyone again. This morning, I got up early and went to the 7am Beginner's meeting because I was asked to cover someone who was speaking but couldn't. I said yes, even though my ego wanted me to default to NO (better to sleep, too early, long day blah blah blah), but I knew better and decided to move forward with my new thing of practicing non-resistance, going with the flow of what is put in front of me.
And I have to say...WOW. The feeling of support and love I felt in that room as I spoke and the genuine words that flowed out of me about my story felt lightening to my soul. I have never felt anything like it and I am so grateful I said yes. Ready to take on the day after that!
I have also finished my fourth step tonight, complete with my sage and palo santo to bring in good energy, my healing crystals and soothing sound bowl music playing softly. I was easy with it, gentle with myself and I kissed each part when I completed it. I am done for now and ready to meet my sponsor tomorrow and move forward. I can rest easy knowing I was thorough and true to my story and self. I have nothing left in me at this moment and I am at peace.
Love you all, wish check in again tomorrow, per usual. Rest easy everyone.
Nic.
And I have to say...WOW. The feeling of support and love I felt in that room as I spoke and the genuine words that flowed out of me about my story felt lightening to my soul. I have never felt anything like it and I am so grateful I said yes. Ready to take on the day after that!
I have also finished my fourth step tonight, complete with my sage and palo santo to bring in good energy, my healing crystals and soothing sound bowl music playing softly. I was easy with it, gentle with myself and I kissed each part when I completed it. I am done for now and ready to meet my sponsor tomorrow and move forward. I can rest easy knowing I was thorough and true to my story and self. I have nothing left in me at this moment and I am at peace.
Love you all, wish check in again tomorrow, per usual. Rest easy everyone.
Nic.
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