HeadEast

Yes, that! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sweetichick2

Beginning of day 2.feeling wretched and hopeless.. terrible shakes. I was meant to order groceries online but had forgotten my internet bill..so it’s bread and butter for a week. I can’t find my purse and are hoping it is around somewhere. Still having trouble walking.. I don’t know how I will get through today..

Anna

Sweetichick, there are many things you can do to help yourself and change your life for the better. Like many of us here, you have painful issues from the past to deal with, and it's hard. But, if you look around here, you will see many members who are working hard every day to be the best they can be. You can make the choice to survive and live a happy life.

suki44883

Don't you get sick of going through this week after week? Is anything any of us said to you getting through at all? I'll ask again...why are you afraid of living sober? You never answer any of the hard questions. You just reply to the soft ball posts. We aren't going away, sweeti, and we won't stop asking. What are you afraid of? Why do you refuse to do anything to stop drinking for good?

Hevyn

Sweeti - This horrible, repetitious way of life doesn't have to continue. Please give yourself a chance at a healthy life, free of that poison.

Libby06

Sweeti,
You can get through the day the same way we all of had to start. Take your licks, and suffer through it. Its hard, those first several days, but necessary. You dont ever have to do it again if you dont want to and fight the urge to take that first drink.

I get it, I really do. We drink to get over the yuck that the drinking caused. It is a vicious and deadly cycle. Put the same effort into going to meetings, that you put into going to the alcohol store. Head that car into a different destination.

I hear you complaining how bad alcohol is making you feel, but you are doing very little to help yourself. I am sorry if that usis harsh, but I have read literally hundreds of your own posts. You came here for help, and are being given it dozens of times a day.

I am a victim of bad parenting, and my child is a victim of my bad parenting. She had every right to never speak to me again, and didn't while in my active addiction. We have grown very close now that I am in recovery, and she trusts me to be responsible and proactive in staying well. Its called doing the deal.

Its easy to stay drunk, or quit for a day or two. Do the hard work. You are worth it. Great things can come to you in recovery.

Reread the title and opening statement in your post. You started it to discuss the great things sobriety brings...so far you have been unable to list a single great thing to happen. Lets see you turn that around.

Wishing you well.

Sweetichick2

I am just petrified that nothing will change and I won’t have my old mate to go back to if something bad happens. My life is so empty when I don’t drink. It seems unbearable. I’m worried the kids won’t come back due to my mental illness. I guess that sounds like I don’t really want to give up. But there has to be a better life than this torturous cycle. I can’t seem to get it into my head that I can. Never drink again or that I can’t have 2 and stop. I am scared of my emotions sober.

GiftsOfSobriety

Great honest answer Sweeti. I’m really proud of you.

And in truth sober life can be really painful at times. But I always tell myself that the emotional pain won’t kill me but the alcohol very well may. And pain passes ...and there are moments of happiness and joy, and the entire spectrum of real human emotions. You will survive the difficult ones and get the opportunity to experience the positives ones which will continue to increase with more sobriety.

suki44883

Thank you, sweeti. At least that is something we can work with. You are quite wrong about nothing changing, though. Everything will change, and it will change for the better.

If "something bad happens," could you go back to your old mate now, while you are drinking? Would he take you back while you are drinking like you do? Or, are the two of you drinking buddies?

You say your life is empty without drinking. How full is your life while drinking? It doesn't sound very full to me. Not at all.

Regarding your kids, are they coming back now, while you are drinking? No, they aren't. So, quitting drinking won't make it any worse, will it? You might be surprised at what they might be willing to do if you permanently stop drinking. You'll never know if you don't try.

We all had to learn how to live with our emotions sober. We were all afraid of that part. But, you would be surprised how much easier it is to do than what you fear it will be.

Sweetichick2

By old mate I meant alcohol

Dee74

sweetichick

I was terrified of feeling emotional pain when I got sober - and I was terrified of having to go through life without my crutch.

But I was more terrified of dying alone on my floor, helpless and alone with no friends or family left to mourn me.

Having recently been on the floor for 5 hours, havign trouble walking, and shaking so much, I'm sure you can identify with that.

The chance that might become our new normal is pretty much a guarantee if you continue to drink like we did.

I'm not going to lie - getting sober was hard and not pleasant - but honestly it was actually less painful than my drinking life.

I'd convinced myself that not drinking would be agony - but it really wasn't that bad compared to what I was freaking out it might be.

I was like a newborn when it came to living life sober...the first weeks might just be the hardest weeks of your life, but you're not alone.

I really hope you decide to stop drinking and build yourself a little support network of people, using not only SR but outpatient and maybe even AA too.

D

suki44883

Ah, so you did. The thing is, sweeti, alcohol is not your mate. It wants you dead. You will find that the more sober time you get under your belt, the less and less you will want anything to do with that "old mate." The more you deny it's call, the less frequent it will come around, and the more and more faint it's call will become.

You just have to be willing to utilize the help that is out there. Trying to do it on your own won't work. That time has passed. Please give yourself a fighting chance.

Sweetichick2

That’s how I feel imagining all these awful scenarios. It doesn’t help that I have lost my purse. I have searched the whole house and are really starting to panic. My anxiety is through the roof. So is the fear that I will never walk properly again.

calmself

Do what you think is best for you - online help has its limitations. Ultimately the universe gives people what they want - if i have decided to live as an alcoholic , and it's a sincere intentional decision, the universe will keep me that way. Of course, these decisions come with consequences.

CupofJoe

Hi Sweeti,

Thank you for posting what you're afraid of. Your honesty was good to read. Please keep opening up like that. It really should help you.

I was terrified of not having alcohol to go back to. It was comforting. Horrible, but familiar. I even found a kind of sick comfort in being sick. At least I knew what it was. Shaking, puking, anxiety through the roof, depressed, hopeless, vowing not to drink again but knowing damn well I was going to--I lived like that for a long time.

All I can say is that I didn't give up. But I would have stayed in that cycle forever. What changed is that once I started making changes and doing what people told me to do--I started changing from within.

I remember the first time I cried for a long time. It scared me because alcohol had numbed my emotions for so long. But I let myself feel the pain and the sadness and the loneliness and you know what? Crying made me feel better. Expressing the sadness instead of numbing it. I cried myself out and over time the pain started diminishing. I smile all the time now!

Trust us when we say that it does get better. It's not easy at first and it does take work. But it's worth it.

Keep reaching out. You'll be OK if you get sober. If you keep drinking...I don't know. I'm scared for you. But I have hope for you sober. I really do.

I'm glad you're still here.

Dee74

I'm sorry you can't find your purse but you can use this.

this is a great chance to practice dealing with something upsetting without resorting to drinking.

I always retrace my steps. It might be in the car from when you went through the drive through, or however you got to your psychiatrist yesterday? If it was Bus and Taxi both have lost property numbers to ring.

The chances are good it's somewhere not too far away.

D

Sweetichick2

I had left it. At the corner shop. Maybe now I can relax a little. Thanks Dee.

Sweetichick2

Joe that is exactly what I am afraid of. Turning into a blubbering mess or turning psychotic again and getting locked up. I have not been in a public psych wa rid for about six years. They are terrible places. People scream at night and the men are violent.. they still get drugs in somehow.

I am like you. Still terrified of no best mate to turn to. I will keep reaching out. How are you going

CupofJoe

That is scary, I get it. I only spent a night in a public psych ward and it was awful. I understand your fear. But--honestly--if you keep drinking, you have a stronger chance of ending up in a public ward. My best friend has been in public wards several times--and locked up in a hospital room with a policeman on guard--directly because of alcohol.

He's someone I love and trust--but when he's drinking he's terrifying. He turns into someone I don't recognize.

Alcohol makes everything worse. You cannot heal while drinking. Drinking will not make you healthy.

I thought of alcohol as my best friend, too. It took me a while to realize that it was killing me. Alcohol was never my friend. It was more like an abusive lover. Can you trust me when I say that alcohol is not your friend? It's hard to let go, I know, but it's time.

My mental health issues have been more along the lines of depression and anxiety. Ever since I was a kid. But I'm able to manage them better now since I've been sober. I thought alcohol helped me--but it didn't. It just kept me from really learning how to manage my emotions.

I know there are other people here who have BPD (is that your diagnosis? Sorry that I can't remember), maybe you could reach out to them here or in PMs? It might help to have people to talk to who understand some of your fears surrounding that. It is possible to get sober and be happy.

I'm good, thank you! I'm packing for a trip, so I'll be away from SR for a week or so. I wanted to let you know because I do think about you and hope you're doing well. If I don't post, it's because I can't get on SR while I'm away.

Just waking up, had a pot of tea and breakfast. Looking forward to working this afternoon.

Here's something else I wanted to share. When I was struggling, I was paranoid that people were giving up on me. I can understand why they got so frustrated. But someone told me that one day I would be sober and could help other people. It seemed unreal.

I want to tell you the same thing. Imagine if you get sober. Someday there will be someone truly struggling. Someone like you. Wouldn't it be nice to be the one to reach out to her and say, "I did it. So can you?"

It's possible, Sweeti. You can get sober. Don't let your fears control you.

Sending you good thoughts.

Anna

I'm glad you found your purse, Sweeti. Now, you can concentrate on what you do to help yourself today.