"Provoker" wife to the alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
"Provoker" wife to the alcoholic
Hi, My name is Rene. I am from South Africa and am married to an alcoholic. After reading a very descriptive and accurate article regarding addiction/alcoholism in the form of a play, I decided to join this forum to seek more insight to change my role as Provoker which I obviously am.
My husband resents my strong headedness, my will power and my advice at any given time because I can see it makes him feel uncomfortable and probably drives him more to wanting to drink/escape. I need to learn how to deal with living with an alcoholic to give him a chance to perhaps change his ways. He is past just giving up, he will have to go to a rehab facility and sober /detox centre. He definitely has past psychological issues I think from childhood he needs to deal with. I find that he has not "grown" in certain areas of his development as a human. Perhaps I am wrong, but I do not see him knowing who he is, faults or good points somehow. He seems very lost. Has been to rehab before about 16 years ago. Went well for a while but he replaced his alcohol addiction for fishing addiction. I hardly ever saw him. When he came home he hardly communicated, seemed always to be brooding within himself. Like he has a lot of inner anger and meanness surfaces when he drinks. He can be very mentally abusive (in fact on a regular daily basis) and has been physically abusive as well.
I am at the point of wanting to divorce him and find peace for myself. He has been actively drinking 5 years again now although I am pretty sure before that on and off as well. He is the past master of hiding, lying and getting others to cover for him. I unfortunately call a spade a spade.
I hope I find some insight here. Thanks you for accepting me.
My husband resents my strong headedness, my will power and my advice at any given time because I can see it makes him feel uncomfortable and probably drives him more to wanting to drink/escape. I need to learn how to deal with living with an alcoholic to give him a chance to perhaps change his ways. He is past just giving up, he will have to go to a rehab facility and sober /detox centre. He definitely has past psychological issues I think from childhood he needs to deal with. I find that he has not "grown" in certain areas of his development as a human. Perhaps I am wrong, but I do not see him knowing who he is, faults or good points somehow. He seems very lost. Has been to rehab before about 16 years ago. Went well for a while but he replaced his alcohol addiction for fishing addiction. I hardly ever saw him. When he came home he hardly communicated, seemed always to be brooding within himself. Like he has a lot of inner anger and meanness surfaces when he drinks. He can be very mentally abusive (in fact on a regular daily basis) and has been physically abusive as well.
I am at the point of wanting to divorce him and find peace for myself. He has been actively drinking 5 years again now although I am pretty sure before that on and off as well. He is the past master of hiding, lying and getting others to cover for him. I unfortunately call a spade a spade.
I hope I find some insight here. Thanks you for accepting me.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Hi & welcome to Sober Recovery Rene. I hope you’ll find some help & comfort here. There’s a section for friends & family that might be useful to check out.
As a victim of domestic violence myself, I’d like to encourage counseling for yourself and focus your safety. It’s not your fault he drinks and it’s not your fault that he’s abusive. I hope you find the insight you’re looking for here.,
As a victim of domestic violence myself, I’d like to encourage counseling for yourself and focus your safety. It’s not your fault he drinks and it’s not your fault that he’s abusive. I hope you find the insight you’re looking for here.,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, I have to agree with gypsytears. I'm also a domestic violence survivor and for me one incident of abuse is a deal breaker. It is a pattern that won't get better regardless of how you act. I hope you can find some counseling in your area to help you process all this.
His drinking is his problem. So is his personality, his past, his behavior. Apparently he doesn't see it as a problem.
Welcome to the site, I hope you find the support that will help you help yourself.
His drinking is his problem. So is his personality, his past, his behavior. Apparently he doesn't see it as a problem.
Welcome to the site, I hope you find the support that will help you help yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
I spent nearly 5 decades as a functional addict, drinking and drugging. I did so because I felt I deserved it. I valued getting high more than I valued anything else. You can't control your husband but you can change yourself.
Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of intolerable helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped).
All addictions are caused/driven by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Alcoholics, have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.
There's no rocket science here. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction. Finding those new values is what counts.
I hope your husband finds new values.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. “Don’t copy the behavior or values of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. The best way to fight bad ideas is to replace them with better ones. Transformation begins in the mind, because the way we reason affects how we act.
Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of intolerable helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped).
All addictions are caused/driven by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Alcoholics, have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.
There's no rocket science here. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction. Finding those new values is what counts.
I hope your husband finds new values.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. “Don’t copy the behavior or values of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. The best way to fight bad ideas is to replace them with better ones. Transformation begins in the mind, because the way we reason affects how we act.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello 561228,
Please do not label yourself a provoker. Alcoholism is a complex/baffling disease.
The alcoholic brain reacts to alcohol in a way that changes the whole brain/cell chemistry of the Alcoholic . From euphoria to rage it produces a whole realm of feelings and emotions. It is considered a family disease since it affects everybody close to the person afflicted. It is Physical/mental/spiritual- (values) as above poster explained.
I hope your husband gets the help he desperately needs. I am so glad you reached out. I am sure you will find much wisdom and support in the friends and family thread
Please do not label yourself a provoker. Alcoholism is a complex/baffling disease.
The alcoholic brain reacts to alcohol in a way that changes the whole brain/cell chemistry of the Alcoholic . From euphoria to rage it produces a whole realm of feelings and emotions. It is considered a family disease since it affects everybody close to the person afflicted. It is Physical/mental/spiritual- (values) as above poster explained.
I hope your husband gets the help he desperately needs. I am so glad you reached out. I am sure you will find much wisdom and support in the friends and family thread
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi and welcome. I'm glad you found SR. Below is a link to our Friends and Family forum, you might find many posts there you can relate to.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You mention you are at the point of wanting to divorce him. He is mentally and physically abusive, why would you want to live with someone like that? I agree with you that It's really important to separate yourself from physical and mental abuse.
It's also important to leave carefully, you don't want to provoke violence so you will need a plan. Not sure if you are familiar with this group?
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
Website: POWA
Tel: 011 642 4345
E-mail: [email protected]
Also this site has a lot of information which you might find helpful:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...e-relationship
You are not a provoker by the way, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I hope you will keep posting.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You mention you are at the point of wanting to divorce him. He is mentally and physically abusive, why would you want to live with someone like that? I agree with you that It's really important to separate yourself from physical and mental abuse.
It's also important to leave carefully, you don't want to provoke violence so you will need a plan. Not sure if you are familiar with this group?
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
Website: POWA
Tel: 011 642 4345
E-mail: [email protected]
Also this site has a lot of information which you might find helpful:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...e-relationship
You are not a provoker by the way, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
I hope you will keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
You might also find these threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html (How to leave)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi and welcome 561228 
There's a lot of good advice here. As another domestic abuse survivor I just want to add that you did nothing to 'provoke' your husband into drinking, or into mental and physical abuse.
As an alcoholic, nothing 'drove me to drink' - I had a lot of 'reasons' for drinking but they were really simply excuses to make me feel better.
I hope you'll look into what Trailmix has suggested
There's a lot of good advice here. As another domestic abuse survivor I just want to add that you did nothing to 'provoke' your husband into drinking, or into mental and physical abuse.
As an alcoholic, nothing 'drove me to drink' - I had a lot of 'reasons' for drinking but they were really simply excuses to make me feel better.
I hope you'll look into what Trailmix has suggested
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are here. And, I'll add to the above that Al Anon (or another support group for spouses/family) is a great thing to go to. He has to quit for him, and you have to take care of you.
Best to you.
Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
Welcome to the forums Rene.
I'm sorry for what brings you here.
Does your husband want to quit drinking?
I'm sorry for what brings you here.
Does your husband want to quit drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by CRRHCC
I spent nearly 5 decades as a functional addict, drinking and drugging. I did so because I felt I deserved it. I valued getting high more than I valued anything else. You can't control your husband but you can change yourself.
Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of intolerable helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped).
All addictions are caused/driven by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Alcoholics, have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.
There's no rocket science here. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction. Finding those new values is what counts.
I hope your husband finds new values.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. “Don’t copy the behavior or values of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. The best way to fight bad ideas is to replace them with better ones. Transformation begins in the mind, because the way we reason affects how we act.
Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of intolerable helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped).
All addictions are caused/driven by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Alcoholics, have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.
There's no rocket science here. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction. Finding those new values is what counts.
I hope your husband finds new values.
Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. “Don’t copy the behavior or values of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. The best way to fight bad ideas is to replace them with better ones. Transformation begins in the mind, because the way we reason affects how we act.
My choice is to remain who I am, not be destroyed by his illness, work on my role in this situation and see what is best for me to do now and for the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
[QUOTE=faith823;7309420]Hello 561228,
Please do not label yourself a provoker. Alcoholism is a complex/baffling disease.
thank you for your informative response. Reason I said "provoker" read a very insightful article about alcoholism, the family and roles other individuals play in the alcoholic's life. There the wife is seen as the "Provoker - meaning she has heard the abuse, felt the repeated embarrassment and sadness this disease inflicts on their relationship - so she reinforces his need to drink (and forget) when she tries to discuss her hurts and their problems with him. Very interesting article. It is from that article I found this blog.
For me, the best thing anyone can do who lives with or is part of the family of the alcoholic or the friends of the alcoholic, is firstly to understand exactly what an alcoholic is. That knowledge gives you a better understanding of how to deal with it.
Please do not label yourself a provoker. Alcoholism is a complex/baffling disease.
thank you for your informative response. Reason I said "provoker" read a very insightful article about alcoholism, the family and roles other individuals play in the alcoholic's life. There the wife is seen as the "Provoker - meaning she has heard the abuse, felt the repeated embarrassment and sadness this disease inflicts on their relationship - so she reinforces his need to drink (and forget) when she tries to discuss her hurts and their problems with him. Very interesting article. It is from that article I found this blog.
For me, the best thing anyone can do who lives with or is part of the family of the alcoholic or the friends of the alcoholic, is firstly to understand exactly what an alcoholic is. That knowledge gives you a better understanding of how to deal with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
[QUOTE=trailmix;7309451]Hi and welcome. I'm glad you found SR. Below is a link to our Friends and Family forum, you might find many posts there you can relate to.
You mention you are at the point of wanting to divorce him. He is mentally and physically abusive, why would you want to live with someone like that? I agree with you that It's really important to separate yourself from physical and mental abuse.
It's also important to leave carefully, you don't want to provoke violence so you will need a plan. Not sure if you are familiar with this group?
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
Also this site has a lot of information which you might find helpful:
You are not a provoker by the way, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
HI, thank you for your answer and all the links you shared with me. I know I am not the Provoker, I explained in a reply above why I mentioned that in my introduction. (was from a article I had read that led me to this forum). Yes, we are very powerless over another`s addiction. We learn that the hard way. Once one understands the alcoholic mind, their needs, their emotions, you are more empowered to deal with it.
You mention you are at the point of wanting to divorce him. He is mentally and physically abusive, why would you want to live with someone like that? I agree with you that It's really important to separate yourself from physical and mental abuse.
It's also important to leave carefully, you don't want to provoke violence so you will need a plan. Not sure if you are familiar with this group?
People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence.
Also this site has a lot of information which you might find helpful:
You are not a provoker by the way, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
HI, thank you for your answer and all the links you shared with me. I know I am not the Provoker, I explained in a reply above why I mentioned that in my introduction. (was from a article I had read that led me to this forum). Yes, we are very powerless over another`s addiction. We learn that the hard way. Once one understands the alcoholic mind, their needs, their emotions, you are more empowered to deal with it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by RecklessDrunk
Many of us don't get sober until we're backed into a corner. If we can drink comfortably we will see no reason to stop.
Even when we are backed into a corner, sometimes we continue to drink.
Even when we are backed into a corner, sometimes we continue to drink.
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