Quitting made me realize I have no clue who I am.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Milton, GA
Posts: 9
Quitting made me realize I have no clue who I am.
Hello everyone, Apologies if this isn’t exactly the correct thread for this post just let me know and I can move it if needed. Not sure if this is just strictly for hellos or not.
I just decided to quit last month amidst being overweight and the fact that I realized I’m 28 years old yet still drink like a college frat boy. I never have just one beer. Friday and Saturday night weekly drinking sessions always start with a 6 pack and almost always end with 18 plus beers or very large dents in my whiskey handles. However after going out this past weekend with my friends staying sober I came to one extremely startling realization. I have no true interest in anything and pretty much hate life sober. I didn’t even care to be there with my friends at all. I work all week long and look forward to “going out” somewhere with my friends and binging alcohol every single weekend. Whether that be a sporting event, concert, bars, etc...Now that I’ve taken this away from myself, a very small amount of post-work tasks actually sound fun and I really don’t find myself looking forward to anything at all. Friends I have always joked and laughed with and had grand times now suddenly give me social anxiety to be around. I feel like I don’t know who I am around them. Like I lost the ability to truly be myself and now I’m just some fake yes man hiding behind a wall of anxiety. I just found myself wanting go home and lock myself away alone in my room. Since quitting, my brain floods with nothing but depressing thoughts like “great, working all week like a slave just so you can go home and do sober laundry this weekend, that’s fun....” Netflix and movies are no longer as entertaining without my best buddy Evan Williams poured neatly in a glass next to me. Everything seems so boring and depressing in my head when I think about doing something. It’s like all I ever really looked forward to in life was capping my week or nights with booze. And now that it’s gone I just have a hard time seeing the point of anything. Everyone I’ve talked to and all things I’ve read online tell me that there’s so much to appreciate in life and sober is the way to go but I just can’t get myself to see it. Staying sober forever just sounds so boring and anxiety inducing. Maybe it doesn’t help that I’m still single and haven’t ever had a serious relationship, with no significant other to really care about. But that’s a topic for another time.
Having this much of an issue quitting has definitely made me reiterate to myself the fact that I DO have an issue and need to do something about it. However while I definitely don’t miss the hangovers and generally feel better, what’s the point if I’m consistently mentally miserable? It’s like I’ve wired the entire dopamine reward response system in my brain to revolve completely around alcohol. I guess what I’m wondering is, does this get better with time? I’d like to not be a slave to a substance but would also like to have interests and some sort of effing joy in my life in the process.
I just decided to quit last month amidst being overweight and the fact that I realized I’m 28 years old yet still drink like a college frat boy. I never have just one beer. Friday and Saturday night weekly drinking sessions always start with a 6 pack and almost always end with 18 plus beers or very large dents in my whiskey handles. However after going out this past weekend with my friends staying sober I came to one extremely startling realization. I have no true interest in anything and pretty much hate life sober. I didn’t even care to be there with my friends at all. I work all week long and look forward to “going out” somewhere with my friends and binging alcohol every single weekend. Whether that be a sporting event, concert, bars, etc...Now that I’ve taken this away from myself, a very small amount of post-work tasks actually sound fun and I really don’t find myself looking forward to anything at all. Friends I have always joked and laughed with and had grand times now suddenly give me social anxiety to be around. I feel like I don’t know who I am around them. Like I lost the ability to truly be myself and now I’m just some fake yes man hiding behind a wall of anxiety. I just found myself wanting go home and lock myself away alone in my room. Since quitting, my brain floods with nothing but depressing thoughts like “great, working all week like a slave just so you can go home and do sober laundry this weekend, that’s fun....” Netflix and movies are no longer as entertaining without my best buddy Evan Williams poured neatly in a glass next to me. Everything seems so boring and depressing in my head when I think about doing something. It’s like all I ever really looked forward to in life was capping my week or nights with booze. And now that it’s gone I just have a hard time seeing the point of anything. Everyone I’ve talked to and all things I’ve read online tell me that there’s so much to appreciate in life and sober is the way to go but I just can’t get myself to see it. Staying sober forever just sounds so boring and anxiety inducing. Maybe it doesn’t help that I’m still single and haven’t ever had a serious relationship, with no significant other to really care about. But that’s a topic for another time.
Having this much of an issue quitting has definitely made me reiterate to myself the fact that I DO have an issue and need to do something about it. However while I definitely don’t miss the hangovers and generally feel better, what’s the point if I’m consistently mentally miserable? It’s like I’ve wired the entire dopamine reward response system in my brain to revolve completely around alcohol. I guess what I’m wondering is, does this get better with time? I’d like to not be a slave to a substance but would also like to have interests and some sort of effing joy in my life in the process.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 519
Hi Mitch!
I was like you, I found the fun in socializing and drinking heavily and thought that it was the only way I could enjoy a social life with friends. Truth was, I was not much fun to be around towards the end of my drinking. I was harming myself and those around me. Looks like the seed has been planted for you that there is a problem that needs fixing, and just by logging on, you are already on an amazing path.
It is very difficult to change your habits. Harder to change your people and maybe harder to admit that it's an issue. I had to do all three. I was the person who binge drank, blacked out and always had wine next to me on the couch watching movies. Guess what? I have not sat on a couch in about 4 months. I had to change a lot, and it started with getting into a community of people who were like me. I am from Miami and I started attending AA meetings and I met so many young people who were sober! I now have a social life that is so jam packed there is not enough time in the day. And the best part is that I can have rich, full days packed with meaningful experiences every single day, not just once a month cause I was too hungover to have them all the time.
What I am saying, I guess, is that yes, for me, it got better over time. It was not so much the obsession of drinking that was hard (that part was easy as I was done in every sense of the word), it was the habits I had created. But if you can make them, you can make new ones. Give yourself some time. Try changing your people, places and things and see how being sober works. Go to a meeting, try it out, you may not agree with everything, but you'll definitely find a support group of people who will genuinely have your best interest at heart.
Find other habits to create, think of all of the things you have wanted to do that you maybe haven't because alcohol always took precedence. For me, it was running, which I have picked up again. Much better when you are clear headed.
Don't go where there is alcohol. Stay away from it, erase it from your life. Make plans to do active things with friends without it. And most of all, try to change your perspective. Seeing life without alcohol as a bummer won't help your case. You have an emotional attachment to a substance and your mind has, over the years, convinced you that the drink makes you YOU. And that couldn't be further from the truth. YOU don't even know who you are without it yet. This takes time.
So give time, time. I hope you keep logging on and just from my own experience, life is SO SO SO much better without alcohol. You are going to LOVE IT.
Nic.
I was like you, I found the fun in socializing and drinking heavily and thought that it was the only way I could enjoy a social life with friends. Truth was, I was not much fun to be around towards the end of my drinking. I was harming myself and those around me. Looks like the seed has been planted for you that there is a problem that needs fixing, and just by logging on, you are already on an amazing path.
It is very difficult to change your habits. Harder to change your people and maybe harder to admit that it's an issue. I had to do all three. I was the person who binge drank, blacked out and always had wine next to me on the couch watching movies. Guess what? I have not sat on a couch in about 4 months. I had to change a lot, and it started with getting into a community of people who were like me. I am from Miami and I started attending AA meetings and I met so many young people who were sober! I now have a social life that is so jam packed there is not enough time in the day. And the best part is that I can have rich, full days packed with meaningful experiences every single day, not just once a month cause I was too hungover to have them all the time.
What I am saying, I guess, is that yes, for me, it got better over time. It was not so much the obsession of drinking that was hard (that part was easy as I was done in every sense of the word), it was the habits I had created. But if you can make them, you can make new ones. Give yourself some time. Try changing your people, places and things and see how being sober works. Go to a meeting, try it out, you may not agree with everything, but you'll definitely find a support group of people who will genuinely have your best interest at heart.
Find other habits to create, think of all of the things you have wanted to do that you maybe haven't because alcohol always took precedence. For me, it was running, which I have picked up again. Much better when you are clear headed.
Don't go where there is alcohol. Stay away from it, erase it from your life. Make plans to do active things with friends without it. And most of all, try to change your perspective. Seeing life without alcohol as a bummer won't help your case. You have an emotional attachment to a substance and your mind has, over the years, convinced you that the drink makes you YOU. And that couldn't be further from the truth. YOU don't even know who you are without it yet. This takes time.
So give time, time. I hope you keep logging on and just from my own experience, life is SO SO SO much better without alcohol. You are going to LOVE IT.
Nic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I could have written your post myself at your age. My free time and social life revolved around drinking. I wasn't quite an alcoholic yet but a serious binge drinker on weekends. Pretty soon all my friends/peers got married and started having kids so they gave up the party life. I entered a serious relationship myself at 28. However, my drinking got worse and I began drinking alone daily. I didn't want to stop drinking because, like you, things were so much more enjoyable with a buzz going. Even if it was just a Monday night watching TV. At my worst, I was drinking minimum a 5th of vodka every day. More on weekends. Within about 5 years I lost everything. Job, woman, car, apartment. 43 now and still struggling.
Get help now before the real consequences start to happen.
Get help now before the real consequences start to happen.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi and welcome Mitch 
There's no doubt the early days are hard - I did everything with a drink, and I defined myself by my drinking basically.
Don't judge the rest of your life by how you're feeling right know tho - it gets better
It took me about 3 months to consistently feel good - although I felt better week by week.
when you consider the 30 years I drank and drugged 3 months is not a bad deal
when I started this recovery journey I had no idea who sober me would be either - but I began to remember more and more the way I was before I started drinking and I welcomed that person back
So..keep going Mitch it gets better - and the support you find here will help you through at least til then
D
There's no doubt the early days are hard - I did everything with a drink, and I defined myself by my drinking basically.
Don't judge the rest of your life by how you're feeling right know tho - it gets better
It took me about 3 months to consistently feel good - although I felt better week by week.
when you consider the 30 years I drank and drugged 3 months is not a bad deal
when I started this recovery journey I had no idea who sober me would be either - but I began to remember more and more the way I was before I started drinking and I welcomed that person back
So..keep going Mitch it gets better - and the support you find here will help you through at least til then
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Milton, GA
Posts: 9
Thanks for the responses! I just realized going through this thread and forums that I had somehow felt alone with this problem, which clearly I am not and was being naive in that mode of thinking. I think what truly terrifies me though is that I may soon be faced with making a choice about who my real friends are and who are my “drinking buddy” friends. I don’t want to have to go through such a major change like that. Some of my friendships that I might have to cut off go back more then 10 years. I just don’t know if I can do that. Is it bad to say that I don’t think I’m ready to get sober permanently yet? Like I feel too young? Or is that just one long written bs excuse? Having to say no to celebrations like going out after a buddy gets engaged or having to avoid sporting tailgates? I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 99
Like I feel too young?
I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.
Hey Mitch. To the first quote - I gave up for five years when I was 21, returning to booze reckoning I had learnt what I needed to. To be a normal drinker. The second time I gave up (Jan '18) I worked hard at sobriety with aa and discovered I have nothing to learn other than I cant "learn to be a normal drinker".
Took me 8.5 years to really give sobriety a go second time round.
Second quote - You decide to do it. And then you do it.
I just don’t know how I’m going to do this.
Hey Mitch. To the first quote - I gave up for five years when I was 21, returning to booze reckoning I had learnt what I needed to. To be a normal drinker. The second time I gave up (Jan '18) I worked hard at sobriety with aa and discovered I have nothing to learn other than I cant "learn to be a normal drinker".
Took me 8.5 years to really give sobriety a go second time round.
Second quote - You decide to do it. And then you do it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi Mitch - I think everyone worries about what being sober will be like and most of us are terrified of change, in case the change is worse.....
It won't be - no one would stay sober if that was the case.
I didn't have to pick out which of my friends were the drinking buddies - they were the ones that stopped coming around when I stopped drinking - but my real friends - even the ones who drank like me - supported my decision.
don;t be like me and waste 20 years because you've convinced yourself that sobriety will be dreadful. Give it a go
D
It won't be - no one would stay sober if that was the case.
I didn't have to pick out which of my friends were the drinking buddies - they were the ones that stopped coming around when I stopped drinking - but my real friends - even the ones who drank like me - supported my decision.
don;t be like me and waste 20 years because you've convinced yourself that sobriety will be dreadful. Give it a go
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
You knew who you were when you were drinking. You were the drinking guy, drinking with his buddies. Fishing/drinking, going to concerts/drinking. You were Mr. Happy Go Lucky Drinking Guy. That's who you were familiar with, a partially inebriated good old boy always up for another round.
Actually, I'm not criticizing that. Some people are actually quite good at it. It's one part of who you might be, but it's your dominant self. It shapes your self image and is the you that you identify as you.
Apparently, it's losing it's appeal, but if you quit acting like that you become uncomfortable, partly because of the loss of identity and you aren't able to recognize a different version of you. You may in fact discover the other you, or you may have to create it. Either one will work.
My experience with this phenomenon is that being sober for many years, I don't spend a lot of time trying to recognize who I am now, but I'm at a loss recognizing the old me, a drunken word slurring stagnant shell. Was that really me? I may not fully recognize who I am right now, but that other person sure doesn't seem like the person I am. Identity loss! I'm still searching for who I am, well at least the person I would like to be, but that other guy might as well be Joe Blow from down the road.
Maybe you don't really need to know who you are. You are changeable after all, but you can search and try on different psychological outfits and maybe find something you like. And maybe that's the point, to like who you are. When you meet someone new, you don't know who they are. You have to get to know them, and that's kind of where you are with yourself right now.
Yeah, I'm still fumbling, but getting to know who I am is more fun than having the security of my former self image as an immature post graduate meeting the challenges of life as a fairly incompetent drunk. Really, I think back about that person, and I don't know who that was. It just doesn't feel like me... and that's actually a big relief.
Actually, I'm not criticizing that. Some people are actually quite good at it. It's one part of who you might be, but it's your dominant self. It shapes your self image and is the you that you identify as you.
Apparently, it's losing it's appeal, but if you quit acting like that you become uncomfortable, partly because of the loss of identity and you aren't able to recognize a different version of you. You may in fact discover the other you, or you may have to create it. Either one will work.
My experience with this phenomenon is that being sober for many years, I don't spend a lot of time trying to recognize who I am now, but I'm at a loss recognizing the old me, a drunken word slurring stagnant shell. Was that really me? I may not fully recognize who I am right now, but that other person sure doesn't seem like the person I am. Identity loss! I'm still searching for who I am, well at least the person I would like to be, but that other guy might as well be Joe Blow from down the road.
Maybe you don't really need to know who you are. You are changeable after all, but you can search and try on different psychological outfits and maybe find something you like. And maybe that's the point, to like who you are. When you meet someone new, you don't know who they are. You have to get to know them, and that's kind of where you are with yourself right now.
Yeah, I'm still fumbling, but getting to know who I am is more fun than having the security of my former self image as an immature post graduate meeting the challenges of life as a fairly incompetent drunk. Really, I think back about that person, and I don't know who that was. It just doesn't feel like me... and that's actually a big relief.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hey look I feel you it sucks that we get our self to the point where we screw up something we like to do. By taking it to the limit . then we make a mess of things and to try to fix it is going to mean a loss if you will. But if you are that sick like I was I was willing to sacrifice everything to get my well being back. Its a learning experience my friend. I been sober for 191 days now I'm still learning on a daily basis. Hey just give it a shot brother. Thats all. Dont knock it till you try it. ✌
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
I really like what DriGuy said - especially the part about having to get to know yourself again. At a month sober, I was also at a loss as to "who I was." My best friend asked me around that time when I was feeling really down "what is it that makes you tick? What do you really like to do?" I broke down and cried because I had no idea, and that was really a horrible thing to realize. For so many years, I was the "fun gal" who hung out at bars and was always up for a party. I knew I didn't want to be that person anymore, I really disliked that person by then, but I had no idea how to be anything different. And I was so afraid I'd never have friends or do anything fun anymore either.
A lot of how I was feeling right then had to do with the fact that it was all so new. I literally had not had a chance to even try anything different - I was just trying to get off the booze and start feeling better physically and mentally. It was no time to be considering the rest of my life.
It got better. But I don't know if it would have gotten as good as it has in the last almost 5 years without a sober support system. For me, that was AA and this site, my family, some friends who stuck by me and supported me unconditionally. The people I only drank with are still around, but I just don't see them much or really do anything socially with them. And that's really ok. I have other things I like to do now.
It took me time and experimentation to figure out what makes me tick - what I like to do that does no involve alcohol. And there were definitely sad and uncomfortable times along the way. But it was all SO WORTH IT. You are young. I wish I had not waited so long to put the booze down and start actually living a good life. But I intend to spend the rest of my life living a life I enjoy and can be proud of, instead of wasting it sitting on a bar stool with the same old people, telling and hearing the same old stories, or needing alcohol to have "fun" at social events.
A lot of how I was feeling right then had to do with the fact that it was all so new. I literally had not had a chance to even try anything different - I was just trying to get off the booze and start feeling better physically and mentally. It was no time to be considering the rest of my life.
It got better. But I don't know if it would have gotten as good as it has in the last almost 5 years without a sober support system. For me, that was AA and this site, my family, some friends who stuck by me and supported me unconditionally. The people I only drank with are still around, but I just don't see them much or really do anything socially with them. And that's really ok. I have other things I like to do now.
It took me time and experimentation to figure out what makes me tick - what I like to do that does no involve alcohol. And there were definitely sad and uncomfortable times along the way. But it was all SO WORTH IT. You are young. I wish I had not waited so long to put the booze down and start actually living a good life. But I intend to spend the rest of my life living a life I enjoy and can be proud of, instead of wasting it sitting on a bar stool with the same old people, telling and hearing the same old stories, or needing alcohol to have "fun" at social events.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,408
You describe how pretty much all alcoholics feel when faced with giving up booze. Drinking is the only thing that seems fun and life without seems crap. Sounds like you’re near the jumping off place AA talks about - can’t live with it or without and so wish for the end. Stop before you get there man.
The Sober life as a recovered/recovering alcoholic is a wonderful life: there you can discover what true serenity means and feels like and it is blissful. Takes time and lots of work on your recovery to get there but it’s an incredible place to get to and it keeps getting better.
First step is accepting your alcoholism and be willing to do what it takes to stay sober and get recovering from alcoholism.
SR and AA are wonderful resources.
The Sober life as a recovered/recovering alcoholic is a wonderful life: there you can discover what true serenity means and feels like and it is blissful. Takes time and lots of work on your recovery to get there but it’s an incredible place to get to and it keeps getting better.
First step is accepting your alcoholism and be willing to do what it takes to stay sober and get recovering from alcoholism.
SR and AA are wonderful resources.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
I feel exactly like you do Mitch and this is after 8 months sober. I am trying everything. Lots of exercise, busy at work, routine at night, reading, writing etc. I try to socialise sober with my friends. It is difficult. I say no to a lot of social events I previously would have gone to. That is difficult. I go out and don’t enjoy it. I stay at home and don’t enjoy it. Sobriety is a hard and difficult road for me. Still, it is better than suffering daily withdrawal. I look at it as a no choice situation. Somehow that takes the pressure off. Maybe one day all of my activities will be easy and nice and fun again.
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