Buckeyes09

D122y

I don't have an answer for you, but relate. I lost a girl I loved years ago. She wasn't really my type, sort of a cheater etc. But I hurt over her for a long time. I met her at a bar and we were intamate that night. I still loved her. Crazy.

Love hurts.

Prayers for some peace in your mind soon.

Thanks.

Ghostlight1

I'm sorry for what you're going through, if it's any consolation.
I know I couldn't have a relationship for probably the first year of sobriety.
It sounds self centered, but I had to take care of myself first before I could share my love with someone. It wouldn't have been fair to my girlfriend.
I hope you can understand. I don't understand it completely myself, but recovery is hard and takes time and dedication.
I hope you can understand.

Misssy2

It really hurts...I know ...I did this to someone I was with for 20 years when I got sober....I called him from the rehab because the counselors and Drs told me that I had to get myself healthy and things we talked about regarding my relationship were not healthy for my sobriety.

So it hurts...but he may not even be the person you fell in love with anymore...he has to have time to figure out who he is....

3 years is a long time...and its still very possible that after he gets "well" he will search you out and you may have moved on by then or not...but trust me...if you stayed with him...you would not be getting the same person that went in there when he comes out....and that is so much for someone newly sober to deal with (to try and be their authentic self...walking into an OLD environment)….

Its really best for you...you just don't know it.....I'm sorry this has happened in your life and your relationship...

Dee74

I'm sorry for what brings you here buckeyes but it's a common story.

I can't do anything to ease your pain but I know you'll find support and understanding here, and also in our Friends and Family forums.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

D

least

It would be bossy, to say the least, of a therapist or sponsor to dictate what a person does with their life, other than living it sober, of course.

Regardless, I would give him his space. Why be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

faith823

Hello,
By no means put your life on hold for anyone. If it is meant to be you will find each other again when he is stronger and healthy. My perception is he does *love* you. But with out a solid foundation of sobriety he will have to build on that relationship first. This new found relationship with his Sobriety can be soul searching. He may feel guilt/conflict of not being able to give you the nurturing and attention you deserve at this time.

DriGuy

Sometimes the reason you are given for breaking up from an ex don't make sense. We like to make sense out of things just for the closure. It's like expecting them to provide the closure, and while that's entirely reasonable, sometimes they can't and sometimes they won't. But it's important for you know that closure needs to come from inside of you, and you don't need your ex for that. You need to close the books, and you will find closure. Close the book. You don't need to read the whole thing. It probably has a bad ending anyway.

Lucinda2

Buckeyes, my heart goes out to you. Remember to breathe.

I have been there and it is so incredibly painful. When my ex-husband left I thought I was going to die. I literally laid on the floor and gasped for air. I thought I was never going to be happy again. I ran around everywhere trying to make sense of it, looking for answers. It seems to be the human condition to want to make sense of things. Eventually, I realised some things just don't make sense. I have never made sense of it and that's okay now.

But I did find happiness again (much faster than I thought possible too), he left my life and it made room for other people to come in. More importantly, it made room for me to come back. Within 3 months of him leaving, despite still being very hurt I looked in a mirror one day and realised that I recognised the person looking back for the first time in years.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I promise you that you will come through this and be absolutely fabulous.

August252015

I'm sorry too! And I really agree with Ghostlight's experience and thoughts.

It's hard to lose someone - and for me, I would have still had love - and still needed to make this decision. It was life or death for me to get sober. The one person who could and should have and did become my husband was my high school boyfriend, who was sober too, and reached out to me when I was 4 1/2 mo in (he had no idea). We have an unusual story - but the gist is the same, that waiting for a person who's also ready was really important to me.

Take care of yourself right now. Have you considered Al Anon?

Lucinda, you have a really important contribution here, too. Thank you.

Anna

I'm sorry Buckeye. This must be very hurtful and unexpected. As others have said, the best thing you can do is to try to move on with your life and take care of yourself. You might like to check out AlAnon in New York or Florida as a support for yourself.