The day after my last day
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 3
The day after my last day
Summer days in Minnesota can be amazing, today, happens to be one of those days. The Mid 70s with a breeze out of the south, hanging out with my 75-pound lap dog. I used to exist behind various types of masks, I'm not epileptic, I'm not an addict, and I'm definitely not bipolar, my masks stacked pretty high. When I was ten I was sexually abused by a friend's older brother, after a couple of years I found ways to numb myself.
I locked those things away, or so I thought. I partied, and I mean really partied, injected enough cocaine to make Mr. Escobar proud, drank stupid amounts of alcohol, became successful, and gave it all away. I never lost anything, it was all given away. In between the chaos and disorder, I was epileptic, had many joint replacements, neck fusions, discectomies, a full craniotomy after a brain bleed, I died twice on that one, 22 concussions, a 2 day coma following a morphine OD, blah, blah. I'm not bragging, I did all the wrong things to still be gifted with this life I now live, and I deeply appreciate it. I denied even the possibility of being bipolar for 8 years and the whole time, I was wearing masks.
For the last 9 months, really not that long in the sobriety world, I went to inpatient, outpatient, and various therapy sessions, and still go to meetings daily. In those 9 months, a gift from God as authentic and understanding as a woman can be, a solid support structure really. Through sobriety I found whom I was supposed to be. I started by scrapping the denial mask, and treating bipolar logically. My mind was a dangerous place packed mile high with self-inflicted insanity, I was a mess and on my last another chance. Setting short term attainable goals, believing in myself enough to be authentic, and an open mind has all helped me take baby steps forward. Epilepsy blended with a pinch of addiction and 3 cups of untreated mental illness, is a hell of a cocktail. Today, I'm sitting at a lake taking pictures with my pooch. I'm sober, learning, and trusting my higher power has my back. Happiness, love, and faith is a much tastier cocktail and no chaser is needed. If life was fair I would be dead but since it doesn't seem to be fair, I'm not. Learning that the little pieces of my puzzle we're as important as the big pieces, I started picking them up Now putting that damn thing together is the true challenge, but I've always liked challenges.
I locked those things away, or so I thought. I partied, and I mean really partied, injected enough cocaine to make Mr. Escobar proud, drank stupid amounts of alcohol, became successful, and gave it all away. I never lost anything, it was all given away. In between the chaos and disorder, I was epileptic, had many joint replacements, neck fusions, discectomies, a full craniotomy after a brain bleed, I died twice on that one, 22 concussions, a 2 day coma following a morphine OD, blah, blah. I'm not bragging, I did all the wrong things to still be gifted with this life I now live, and I deeply appreciate it. I denied even the possibility of being bipolar for 8 years and the whole time, I was wearing masks.
For the last 9 months, really not that long in the sobriety world, I went to inpatient, outpatient, and various therapy sessions, and still go to meetings daily. In those 9 months, a gift from God as authentic and understanding as a woman can be, a solid support structure really. Through sobriety I found whom I was supposed to be. I started by scrapping the denial mask, and treating bipolar logically. My mind was a dangerous place packed mile high with self-inflicted insanity, I was a mess and on my last another chance. Setting short term attainable goals, believing in myself enough to be authentic, and an open mind has all helped me take baby steps forward. Epilepsy blended with a pinch of addiction and 3 cups of untreated mental illness, is a hell of a cocktail. Today, I'm sitting at a lake taking pictures with my pooch. I'm sober, learning, and trusting my higher power has my back. Happiness, love, and faith is a much tastier cocktail and no chaser is needed. If life was fair I would be dead but since it doesn't seem to be fair, I'm not. Learning that the little pieces of my puzzle we're as important as the big pieces, I started picking them up Now putting that damn thing together is the true challenge, but I've always liked challenges.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: S.E. MI
Posts: 1,025
Thats awesome. How long have you been sober for? Just curious. Sounds like you are doing pretty well. Best of luck to you. Its been 5 months for me and it sure is nice not being all messed up all the time. I sure dont miss it. I thought I would.
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