Binge drinker
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1
Binge drinker
I need help. I hate that I binge drink. I hate that I don’t remember anything about last night’s episode. And I hate these feelings of embarrassment and regret. I’ve been being reminded all day today of the crap I pulled last night. AND IT’S NOT FUNNY to me anymore. I’m not laughing but everyone else is laughing at me. I used to be able to just have a couple of beers and be fine, but, within the last year, I’m admittedly started drinking heavier and heavier. It’s been a year though!! If I can pinpoint a time, this heavy drinking started probably in November 2018. I had no problems drinking casually. But then I ended my 12 year marriage, my mother passed away unexpectedly, finally getting divorced just this week. All this has caused a 65 pound weight loss, appetite loss, and drinking to feel buzzed. I mean, I can down a 12 pack in 3 hours. I’m not bragging. But I am noticing that I crave the buzzed feeling, just enough to not care too much. In the last 30 days, I’ve binged drank 2 times. To the point of emotional outburst, total blackout, and memory loss from those nights. I don’t remember a damn thing. And I’m embarrassed and angry with myself and disappointed in myself. My dad is an alcoholic, my mom was an alcoholic...honest question... Am I an alcoholic??? I did try AA for about a month back in December/January time frame. I stopped going because I told myself that I wasn’t displaying typical alcoholic type behavior, whatever that means. Am I scared to live my life without alcohol? Maybe a little. I was in the military and I will be honest and say that my drinking was out of control at times then too... and that was in 2005/2006 ish. An apology without changed behavior is manipulation. I’m so tired of saying sorry for the ways I’ve acted and treated others while drinking. I don’t know what I’m asking for, but I need to get help. From strangers is best right now. There’s so much shame and regret. Advice? A kick in the ass? Thank you for reading. If I need to hear harsh, blunt honesty, then please, I WANT TO HEAR THAT.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hi wahinelani - welcome 
You sound a lot like me when I found SR
Honestly whatever I could tell you pales in comparison to you reading around here yourself and seeing the many many people here living lives happily without alcohol.
I never believed there could be a time in my life when I did not drink - but I found it and whats more I stayed with it.
I love my life now and I love who I am and I could never say that as a drinker.
This place helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
The support and understanding here is amazing. I'm glad you found us
D
You sound a lot like me when I found SR
Honestly whatever I could tell you pales in comparison to you reading around here yourself and seeing the many many people here living lives happily without alcohol.
I never believed there could be a time in my life when I did not drink - but I found it and whats more I stayed with it.
I love my life now and I love who I am and I could never say that as a drinker.
This place helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too
The support and understanding here is amazing. I'm glad you found us
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
Welcome! You've come to a great place for support.
“Am I an alcoholic?” In my personal experience, if I'm asking myself a question like that, then yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I just had to accept and get to the point of being tired of drinking.
I'm still early in my quit but I take it one day at a time or even a min at a time if needed.
Also, from my past knowledge, a 6 pack turn to 12 then 18 then 24 then 30 then....I think you get the idea. I never made it through the list but got half way there.
“Am I an alcoholic?” In my personal experience, if I'm asking myself a question like that, then yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I just had to accept and get to the point of being tired of drinking.
I'm still early in my quit but I take it one day at a time or even a min at a time if needed.
Also, from my past knowledge, a 6 pack turn to 12 then 18 then 24 then 30 then....I think you get the idea. I never made it through the list but got half way there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I can totally empathise with you....
I was a binge/blackout drinker for years and years. Could never remember the end of the night, would wake up not being sure what I had to apologise for and covered in bruises and cuts.
If it is making you so unhappy then maybe its time to stop altogether. There are many ways to do this but SR is a great start. Also consider you mental and emotional health. Youve been through a lot. Maybe counselling would be helpful?
I was a binge/blackout drinker for years and years. Could never remember the end of the night, would wake up not being sure what I had to apologise for and covered in bruises and cuts.
If it is making you so unhappy then maybe its time to stop altogether. There are many ways to do this but SR is a great start. Also consider you mental and emotional health. Youve been through a lot. Maybe counselling would be helpful?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hi yes we have another lost soul lost in the abyss of addiction welcome my friend. You found the right site fam. Read around you will realize you is not alone anymore. You have us. We have you. I too am a ex booze hound. Lets get you to that status fam. Starting now. ✌
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hi - glad you are here. The blunt answer is you have to quit drinking.
There are many "kinds" of alcoholic in terms of how, when, how much...we drink - but every single one of us has to stop, permanently, to change our lives.
And, what Dee said! Always pay attention to Dee.
There are many "kinds" of alcoholic in terms of how, when, how much...we drink - but every single one of us has to stop, permanently, to change our lives.
And, what Dee said! Always pay attention to Dee.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,067
Am I an alcoholic?
A question asked by so many. It seems to be the most common starting question for most of us including myself when I started reading here on SR.
Here is the definition of alcoholic from dictionary.com:
a chronic disorder characterized by dependence on alcohol, repeated excessive use of alcoholic beverages, the development of withdrawal symptoms on reducing or ceasing intake, morbidity that may include cirrhosis of the liver, and decreased ability to function socially and vocationally.
Let's just say for the sake of argument that as of today you do not meet definition of an "alcoholic". So what? Does that mean it's OK for you to keep drinking alcohol? Do you like what happens to you when you drink? My point here is that one does not need to be a full blown alcoholic to benefit from a sober lifestyle. YMMV
A question asked by so many. It seems to be the most common starting question for most of us including myself when I started reading here on SR.
Here is the definition of alcoholic from dictionary.com:
a chronic disorder characterized by dependence on alcohol, repeated excessive use of alcoholic beverages, the development of withdrawal symptoms on reducing or ceasing intake, morbidity that may include cirrhosis of the liver, and decreased ability to function socially and vocationally.
Let's just say for the sake of argument that as of today you do not meet definition of an "alcoholic". So what? Does that mean it's OK for you to keep drinking alcohol? Do you like what happens to you when you drink? My point here is that one does not need to be a full blown alcoholic to benefit from a sober lifestyle. YMMV
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
An apology without changed behavior is manipulation.
Indeed. And the fact that you are in touch with that is powerful. Whether or not you are an alcoholic is only something you can decide. Because only you can make the inner shift that is necessary to admit "I cannot handle booze and it is hurting me and the ones I love".
I do know addiction is progressive. It will get worse. Period. How long that takes? How bad will it get? Up to you.
Quitting really is a whole lot easier in the long run.
Indeed. And the fact that you are in touch with that is powerful. Whether or not you are an alcoholic is only something you can decide. Because only you can make the inner shift that is necessary to admit "I cannot handle booze and it is hurting me and the ones I love".
I do know addiction is progressive. It will get worse. Period. How long that takes? How bad will it get? Up to you.
Quitting really is a whole lot easier in the long run.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
An apology without changed behavior is manipulation.
AHHHHHH. Thank you. Because I need to shout this out right now because my struggling step son in treatment is still.doing.this. I was an expert at it, I had to finally recognize so that's why ya can't con and con man, as far as what I am observing with him.
ACTUALLY he's not even apologizing- he is changing, but he is still manipulating thru half truths and dodging texts and "explanations" for sh&t. AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I feel better now.
AHHHHHH. Thank you. Because I need to shout this out right now because my struggling step son in treatment is still.doing.this. I was an expert at it, I had to finally recognize so that's why ya can't con and con man, as far as what I am observing with him.
ACTUALLY he's not even apologizing- he is changing, but he is still manipulating thru half truths and dodging texts and "explanations" for sh&t. AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I feel better now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
It's up to you to decide if you are an alcoholic. But, if you can't stop drinking once you start, that is alcoholism. It sounds like alcohol is causing a lot of problems in your life. Why not stop drinking completely and end those problems? We are here to offer support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 739
I can't diagnose you as alcoholic. What I can say from my observations is that i believe alcoholics have an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.
Once I start drinking I can not control how much I drink and how I will behave. It's like an allergic reaction, instead of breaking out in hives sometimes I end up in handcuffs. It sounds like you have the allergy part. I wasnt a daily drinker either for most of my 3 decade career. I was a hard worker most days, 2 college degrees, some grad school, technical training, runner, gym rat.
Then there is the obsession to drink. Note the sanity mentioned in step 2. We need to be restored to sanity because what we do is insane! It's not what we do when we're drunk. A normal, 80 year old librarian can act like an idiot with enough alcohol. The insanity is knowing what will happen and still taking that first drink! I would usually not drink until Saturday but every now and then I would get the irresistible urge to drink mid week. Something may have gone wrong at work, something may have gone right. Maybe a lot of people are out of the office today and it's really relaxed like a holiday and ya know... I think a drink after work would be just perfect. That's the obsession, the insanity, even when eating right and exercising I'm daydreaming of my next drink.
If somebody has a shellfish allergy they probably just dont eat shellfish. I doubt they daydream about shrimp or go to meetings.
I know the anxiety you feel right now all to well! It's even worse than the headache. I remember some mornings waking up delighted to only have a monster headache. Checking my phone and confirming I didn't make any calls or send any texts. Sometimes I would find texts I sent the night before in a blackout and just delete them in the morning without reading them because I really don't want to know.
If you want there are endless speaker videos on YouTube if you search aa speakers or something like that. You can always read the big book, it's easy to find a pdf copy on Google.
Once I start drinking I can not control how much I drink and how I will behave. It's like an allergic reaction, instead of breaking out in hives sometimes I end up in handcuffs. It sounds like you have the allergy part. I wasnt a daily drinker either for most of my 3 decade career. I was a hard worker most days, 2 college degrees, some grad school, technical training, runner, gym rat.
Then there is the obsession to drink. Note the sanity mentioned in step 2. We need to be restored to sanity because what we do is insane! It's not what we do when we're drunk. A normal, 80 year old librarian can act like an idiot with enough alcohol. The insanity is knowing what will happen and still taking that first drink! I would usually not drink until Saturday but every now and then I would get the irresistible urge to drink mid week. Something may have gone wrong at work, something may have gone right. Maybe a lot of people are out of the office today and it's really relaxed like a holiday and ya know... I think a drink after work would be just perfect. That's the obsession, the insanity, even when eating right and exercising I'm daydreaming of my next drink.
If somebody has a shellfish allergy they probably just dont eat shellfish. I doubt they daydream about shrimp or go to meetings.
I know the anxiety you feel right now all to well! It's even worse than the headache. I remember some mornings waking up delighted to only have a monster headache. Checking my phone and confirming I didn't make any calls or send any texts. Sometimes I would find texts I sent the night before in a blackout and just delete them in the morning without reading them because I really don't want to know.
If you want there are endless speaker videos on YouTube if you search aa speakers or something like that. You can always read the big book, it's easy to find a pdf copy on Google.
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