Fusion

Harriet, the ‘lot of pleasure from drinking’ that you described when reminiscing about drinking with your father in your last post, that was in the past. Presumably, in the present, drinking no longer provides the same pleasure, because you joined us (and we’re really glad you’re here) so how does drinking feel now, Harriet?

I know for me, the pleasure was just a very distant memory, then addiction took hold, and I couldn’t stop at a couple of drinks, there was no pleasure, drink after drink after drink, and just feeling ill, plus shame, regret......ad infinitum.

wiscsober

Welcome Harriett! You will be supported here at SR by many members...and quite a few in the United Kingdom.

harriet11

Thanks, as I've said I'm not new to recovery, I managed 5 months sober at the beginning of this year (I felt it's over they've both gone I need to start my life again)
I was heartened to hear that ginger baker of Cream didn't give up his heroine addiction until his 30 th attempt. It gives me hope to keep trying. TBH it was a relief when she went, she was 92 and only got really bad at 88 when my dad died. They were together a long time. Her short term memory totally went quite quickly from then on. I was more shocked when my father went, I suppose it was obvious as he was in hospital , the doctor said it was serious and when he got pneumonia the doctor took me to a room and told me he was dying and I just burst into tears which isn't something I do often. I thought he was invincible. Doesn't matter what age you or they are, it's still difficult. He was91 and I still felt it unbelievable that my daddy was going to die !
I'll start again looking to reclaim my life. I'm 64 (just yesterday) but it's never too late so long as there is life and hope.

harriet11

You're right tatsy, thank you for pointing that out, something I need to think on. It hasn't been much fun lately, just avoiding negative feelings then feeling infinitely worse

harriet11

So, my plan so far, is to stop trying to babysit everyday, maybe do 3 days a week. Spend the extra time on straightening up the house. Hubby will hopefully cheer up a bit (he's already been a bit more pleasant tonight). It's pointless feeling guilty as I soon won't be able to do anything at this rate, so I'll have to tackle those uncomfortable feelings that include an awful lot of fear. I don't want to lose my children and grandchildren but I don't want lose my husband and home and eventually my life as he sees me putting them first, so it's got to be done.
i also feel bad that I seem to have a low tolerance to stress, other people seem to manage jobs, the house and babysitting, but I'll just have to accept that I just can't. That's just me and I have to deal with it. It's the fear that really gets to me, I spend a lot of time being very afraid and it spirals from there.

harriet11

It's good to have people with a similar problem to talk to thanks again

AAPJ

Regarding the good drinking memories from years gone by. I think it's pretty common. But a guy at an AA meeting explained it this way.

Alcohol and time:

The early years - Alcohol = fun
The middle years - Alcohol = fun + consequences
The later years - Alcohol = consequences

We can't turn back the clock.

PhoenixJ

Welcome Harriet. Prayers for you and your mum. Daily support is necessary for me to remain sober. I was on 5L of rotgut wine when I stopped- because if I did not, I would have died. I would suggest going to meetings and posting here daily- in the established threads in newcomer's forum. There is a 'Class of October 2019' thread for newbies. I joined the C/O March '16 and still post practically every day. Recovery has little to do with just willpower. Perhaps see a GP about your health. Walking is an excellent tonic for health and well being. I remember when I was in a Salvo's recovery/seek safe housing program, my counsellor saw how down I was one day and advised me to go for a walk, even for just 5m. It lifted my mood enough to get through the day. As for you (I assume) years of hoarded goodies- try just tackling stuff 5 minutes a day. Grid your rooms and just do a little every day. Maybe make a game of it with your grandchild. You are in a situation where you have a home, partner, family.....a blessing (although it most likely does not feel that way). Journal writing is also good- and for me also seeing a psychologist and doing CBT).

Support to you.

harriet11

Thanks, that's a good way to remember it. There are consequences now and little fun.

DriGuy

And having a group that understood was certainly among the top 5 parts of my recovery. Friends and loved ones, even well intended, seldom understand recovery or the misery of alcoholism. I'm sure there are some non alcoholics out there who get it, but I found myself surrounded by peers that didn't. I hope SR might be part of your program of recovery.

harriet11

Thanks phoenix. Yes I'm intending on coming here daily. I know walking is very good although I don't enjoy it much , but your suggestion of even just 5 mins sounds managable. At least for a start. Actually I got a bicycle. The wheels are flat at the moment and I'm very nervous on the roads round here. So I bought myself an adult tricycle and want to use it but my husband got it hooked up high in the garage and I can't get it down. I've asked him to get someone to help, been asking for ages but he refuses and just sneers saying I'll never use it. He pretty much tells me I'm useless at everything. If I go into the garage to sort it out to make room he gets angry and in a bad mood so I don't mention it anymore. He likes to be in control and make all the decisions.
I went to the doctor a couple of months ago and had all the blood tests done. Heart liver kidneys thyroid, and they came back ok apart from my cholesterol being a little high and I'm on the usual pills for that now. Of course I may have damaged myself since, but I'll be due for follow up blood tests soon enough anyway, and hopefully in that time can get a bit of my health and energy
back.
i do realise I'm very lucky and have a lot to be grateful for, great children and grandchildren, such a blessing and a home too even though it has a grumpy old man in it lol. I've just got to get out of this slump of not wanting to face anything. Your suggestion of 5 mins a time is good and the grid idea might work too, I never thought of that. I'm going to try it today as I'm feeling a little better.
Not sure I want to get my granddaughter involved with sorting my own room with me as it's full of bottles at the moment (ooh what did you do at grandma's today? Well there were loads of empty bottles to clear mummy. Hmmmm probably not a good idea)
prayers to you too and hope your health is ok now

harriet11

I agree, I sometimes think it's like me trying to understand an anorexic, because for me eating is easy most of the time, but people are complex

SnoozyQ

Hi Harriet

So lovely to see you here :-)

I think your dear Mum dying from Altzheimers has sent you into a downward spiral. Which is really so sad because your Mum wouldnt want that for you after all you have done for her.

Strewn bottles around the bedroom tells me you are quite deep into your addiction.

Im sure you would love to start feeling better, healthier , more energetic etc and you can.

It WILL happen when you put the bottle down.

You need to start going through your nice stuff, 1 room at a time.

Be ruthless and put out things you will never use. You need to get some enjoyment back into your life by doing what makes you happy.

I started in 1 room and it felt so cathartic.... now i only have what i need.
No crap in the shed either. It just feels wonderful, its like having a weight lifted off of your shoulders.

AA didnt work much for me but i know it has for many lovely people here in SR.

Im so glad you came here. Keep posting & lets help you get and stay sober .

Sending you much love



Xoxo

harriet11

Thanks snoozy for that kind post. I always feel a bit of dread when I see a reply then pleasantly surprised when people are so kind. So again, thank you.
yes I suppose I have got quite entrenched in the habit. I've been at it for a very long time only of course it's now worse than ever. Last binge was the worst ever so I really don't want another one. I felt a kind of desperation that I couldn't go on anymore, but I don't want to die there's a lot to live for and I just have to learn how to do it.
Im trying to type on my tablet with a cat on my knee who insists on a cuddle.
Actually I've spent a lot of yesterday and today reading the forum and the recommended articles. Came across rational recovery and avrt. Read most of it and will finish it this afternoon. Really makes sense to me and I think reading it everyday will be a very positive step.
I've also managed to make a small start on one room which I'm pleased I did as I feel better even for the small amount. Also got through some laundry and made some winter vegetable soup which was quite tasty. So feeling a lot more hopeful and spending time on the forum is helping too.
​​​​​

Tweetie1988

Welcome! You picked a great place to get support! You can do this!

Fusion

Harriet, I was pleased to read your update (reducing childcare days, laundry and vegetable soup) but saddened to read of your husband’s response to your request to assist you in removing the tricycle from the garage roof. Well, it needs to be done. It would be a wonderful form of excercise for you, particularly if cycling makes you feel safer than walking. I found, when I stopped drinking, I became more assertive, because the shame of drinking was removed, if that makes sense?

harriet11

thanks tweetie, yes it is a great place for support

harriet11

​​​yes I've been quite disappointed because I used enjoy riding my son's bikes round a field path, it was fun, but there's nowhere safe like that here and it would be easy just to ride down to the supermarket and pick up a few things. He's kept some old furniture he bought at the second hand shop and never used which takes up a lot of room which he could have hung up instead. He's a bit older than me and I think part of him wants me to stay the dependent idiot I've always been only to drink less. Ive never even very independent although I spent years as a single parent after divorcing my first husband, but I didn't like the feeling of loneliness. I think if I got too independent he'd get quite worried. He doesn't want me riding off into the sunset on my new tricycle to start a new life lol. But we all have our fears and insecurities and anyway I'll get it one day, just not yet. (I usually call it my three wheeler otherwise it sounds like I'm going to ride round on something with big bright red and yellow plastic wheel lol)
Here I go again, writing too much, I'll soon quieten down when I get used to the place

harriet11

Oh, yes it does make a lot of sense about being more assertive when not drinking. I'm hoping that being a bit more assertive will be part of my recovery, not that I've ever been very assertive but it's about time I was !

Mags1

Harriet, Hi it’s good to meet you. I see a wonderful woman shining through and yes you have some bumps in the road to get over, we all do, but we’re here to guide you when you need it.

As for having a clear out! Me too! And sometimes we can make the problem so massive it seems insurmountable. PJ’s 5 minutes a time sounds a good starting point.

Stopping drinking for me was the best thing I ever did for myself. I’m sure you’ll find the benefits as each day passes. xx