taplow

Hi everyone
I'm just ready to sail up on the calm waters of sobriety after a nearly a week of being cast adrift on the stormy waters of inept metaphor.
I was abroad with all my friends - me - and I found that it was the shame of being alone that caused me to drink. I can't be amongst socialising groups if I don't have the excuse drinking gives of being there. They'll think how he's just come into this bar because he wants a drink whereas can you imagine what they'd think if I was just sitting there sober.
People can work in unpleasant jobs and say how they're forced to be there as if their lives outside were so idyllic. How many times have you asked someone working how they are only for them to reply "well I'm here aren't I" as an explaination of why they're unhappy as if outside they live in a permanent Las Vegas social scene.
The fact is our own spare time says everything about who we truly are; this personal nightmare is what we can't escape from. I think that the main reason I drink is shame. How we act is what we are, and what we are is shown in the free time we have. Maybe it's shame that causes me to drink when I'm alone in public.
If I'm with the limited group of people I know, or if I'm alone skulking away in a grim location unobserved by the annoying majority then I'm fine sitting there doing not an awful lot.
I'm naturally a loner who now and again wants to join in. But you can't turn it off and on. But what else is there? All of my adult life my gateway to other people has been through drinking.
So, I'm not sure that it's just a chemical thing - although when I get started I can't stop, so I've already shot down my own argument (what an idiot.) Yes of course it's a chemical thing, it's the added ingredient; it gives the same warm feeling as being immersed in gravy.
Alcohol is a vehicle for meeting others but I'm not sure I want to if I go by the calibre of some I met last week - "has Godfrey appeared in court yet?" "No, the penguin sanctuary have decided to drop the charges?"
No but it's more than that. I just want to be absorbed in something meaningful. But alcohol covers my shame about the pointless vacuity of my life. And what I choose to do in my spare time shows to observers what I really am - ashamed.
Alcohol is like a little boy closing his eyes and thinking you can't see him.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I'm giving it a go this time. It will be forever, or nothing.
The sun'll come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar.........etc.
Best wishes everyone. And thank you to Anna [/QUOTE]

trailmix

I wanted to say how interesting your post was, it comes through as very honest.

And, of course, I'm glad to hear they dropped the charges against Godfrey!! lol

Dee74

I'm not sure that the shame of being alone made you drink Tap.
Doesn't really fit with the running narrative you wrote in another thread - but maybe it's just semantics....

I drank for a bewildering variety of reasons - but mostly because I could not handle my feelings - especially disappointment, fear, and loneliness - all the negative ones... but also the good ones...celebration,...reward and relaxation as well.

My mistake was thinking the only way I could ever deal with these feelings was drinking...thats simply not true.

Where the shame really cut in for me was after I drank. I bless the day I stopped doing that.

D

DontRemember

I drank because I was an active drinker. I didn't need a reason to drink. I consider myself a pretty smart dude and I tried any/everything to 'think' my way back to a degree of normalcy with my drinking... simple fact was that me is long gone.. never going to happen (for a sustained time frame) for me. Total abstinence was my only way outta the madness.

least

I drank to avoid my feelings. But they always came back, and with them, a hangover.

I hope you can muster the desire to be sober. Sober life is not without its ups and downs, but it's a hell of a lot better than the drinking life. Don't you want to wake up every day feeling good? I hope you can get sober for good.

Sohard

fini

i found the opposite to be true: i felt the shame because of the drinking.
and the things i did or didn’t do when drinking. and the things i did or didn’t do because they would interfere with my drinking.
after i stopped drinking, the shame started lifting.
after i took steps to take responsibility for my part in past messes and found a way to mostly not make new ones and/or clear up any new ones i make asap, there is really nothing to be ashamed of.

taplow

Thanks for all your replies. I was drinking in my opening post yesterday so didn't express everything properly. I started writing for the sake of writing maybe and sort of lost my point.
What I meant to say was that social shame or embarrassment isn't the reason I drink but it's the reason I have the first drink after long sober periods. I can't pretend I don't care whether I appear like a lunatic - I am a lunatic of course, but I don't really like everyone to know it.
But however once I start drinking it becomes a daily thing whether I'm with people or not. It's a need and I can go on for weeks and weeks without having a sober day. The alcohol takes over. The alcohol is the reason for the alcohol. Like everyone here I'm it's victim.
I've had long sober periods also where I've been around friends who drink - interesting to see others being idiots - which strengthens my sobriety. I had a few years living with a woman who drank wine most nights when I'd stopped altogether.
Anyway, the first day is always the difficult one. And this is my first day and I'm never drinking again. I said this a few weeks ago and meant it. But I was put in that situation far too quickly. Need a good run up to take it on.
My idea - which turned out to be not my idea - was that I never drink again - no ifs or buts. Once it's definite and I remove the argument, all the internal wrangling that comes with trying my best and making an effort disappears.
I know this is my first day because I had an epileptic seizure last night and afterwards is the easiest time for day one.
So, that's it. I hope you're all doing well. Best wishes everybody.

Dee74

Epileptic seizures are rough. There's a guy here who often ends up in the ambulance due to the mix of seizures and alcohol.

The overwhelming opinion is we only get one body and one lifetime Tap - take care of yourself.

D

taplow

Thanks Dee, yes they are rough, though mine aren't like they used to be. My medication, though not stopping them, makes them far less severe. I'm unconscious but not for too long I'm told. They're not alcohol related, well maybe it has an influence.

saoutchik

Congratulations on day 1 Taplow. I know socialising without alcohol can sound like torture but if you just let it occur ad hoc it's good. I second what Dee said about the epilepsy, it sounds terrifying.

ps. That Godfrey sounds like a dubious character. Penguin sanctuaries are not to be trifled with.

Lava

This is so true. I've deceived myself many times in the past that my life would just be better if only..... However, even when given the chance to do/be whatever it is I thought I wanted, I was still miserable... Sometimes even more than before. I never did truly change through whatever transition. I'm so grateful to have discovered that vicious cycle and to get out it.

Dee74

I think there is a link between drinking alcoholically and epileptic seizures - even if it's simply reducing the efficacy of your meds.

https://www.epilepsy.org.au/about-ep...hol-and-drugs/

D

SoberRican

Like they say one man's remorse is another man's reminiscence

taplow

It turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. He picked the wrong penguin out of the line up.

Yes we are what we are. Denying it is just living in delusion.
For instance if a man spends his time sitting in a broom cupboard fantasising about conquering the world, he's still just a man sitting in a broom cupboard. He needs to get out more. Maybe he needs to meet someone similar and they can move into a bigger broom cupboard and fantasise about conquering the world together.

Yes I've been told how alcohol stops the medication working properly. It's just another reason to stop drinking.

Especially if one of them's a dyslexic.

taplow

Also Dee, I should add that though I've been told - well it's obvious really - that drinking interferes with the meds, I do still get plenty of fits in sober times.
I ought to keep a record of seizures against alcohol consumption but when sober I just don't see myself in a drinking world anymore so would think it a waste of time. But really if I did see a correlation then that would at least give me another reason to live sober.

fini

saying "i ought to keep a record of of seizures against alcohol consumption" of course just implies and plans on future drinking.

and sure, if you saw a correlation, it would give another reason to live sober.

but lack of "another reason" is not the issue here, is it?

Fusion

Taplow, I used to allow my primal alcohol seeking brain parts run the show. It wasn’t a good gig. Gig after gig, never improved.

taplow

How about I amend it to "I ought to have......." (whatever that tense is).
I said a few posts above that I've finished drinking forever. A grammatical error shouldn't overrule that.
Don't look for loopholes. This isn't contract law.
I'VE STOPPED DRINKING FOREVER!!!!!!!

dwtbd

Have you also decided to accept that there is no proof of that assertion ?

Can you accept that the prooflessness of the declaration is no way a hindering factor ?

Any and all doubt is by definition AV , ignore it.