Horn95

Hello Friends,

I used to be a regular here. But for a variety of (no-good) reasons, I tried sobriety on my own, and have not been here for quite some time. What has transpired since I went on hiatus has been damn near disastrous. But as bad as it got, it could have been much worse. But first the "good." Sitting here, I am sure there is a Higher Power looking out for me -- or at least the persons I have hurt or could have hurt.

My marriage was not nearly as bad as I thought. My wife has proven to be as staunch a supporter as I could have hoped and more. She should have left me long ago, but has stuck by me. Also, a business deal is paying out, and some more opportunities are on the way (if I do not mess them up). My children are doing very well. Getting along with my stepdaughter and mom-in-law. Also, just bought my dream car.

The bad -- whoa Nelly! About a year ago, my best friend of nearly 35 years suddenly passed away. That sent me on a bender of epic proportions. Not long after I picked up a DWI -- I was plastered on scotch and could have killed someone. I tried out patient rehab, and that did not work. Heck, I was drinking before I went to the sessions.

I abandoned AA, despite having a GREAT sponsor. stopped drinking then relapsed over and over again. Then in February, I got a second DWI. I was very lucky not to have killed anyone. The Court ordered I put an breathalyzer on my car. That kept me sober for about 3 weeks, but then I learned how to game it. But I did have sobriety for certain periods.

I pled guilty, paid a fine, and moved on from the first one.

My Mom passed away this summer. I found her body. Enter another bender.

Since then, I have not stopped drinking consistently. Fits and starts. Went on another bender that could have been an absolute disaster. I drove to another city to see a football game, but was drunk. Indeed, my daughters refused to go with me -- as they should have. But I lashed out at them.

I pulled into a gas station to sober up in a rural area. They called the cops. Miraculously, I was NOT arrested. The cops left my car and took me to the hospital, and called my son to come pick me up.

Over the next 3 days another bender. But no drinking and driving.

And here I am. I am sober and getting through withdrawals, to the extent I am having any. A lot of sweating.

As I write this it is clear to me that I am not only a danger to myself, my family, but to the public. I must quit or I will deservedly do jail time, or worse. I want a new life. My wife has quit drinking in support of me. She gave it up yesterday.

I know I do not deserve all of the breaks I have gotten, but I cannot and will not waste them anymore. I have been given a reprieve.

I am going back to AA. I want a new life. My selfishness must end.

Thanks all for your support in advance.

My new journey starts today.

Callas

Best wishes. You have used up a lot of luck. So have I. I guess that is where gratitude starts.

5329guy

Thanks for sharing Horn! The important thing is that you're here and ready to do whatever it takes. You can do it!!

Horn95

Thanks guys soooooo much.

loulou1981

Thanks for sharing, uve certainly been through the mill!! Keep close, u know how hard it can be especially in the early days. I was here in August (again) but stupidly picked up (again) 12 days sober for me..1 day at a time!!!

ColoradoRocky

Thirty meetings in 30 days; 60 meetings in 60 days; 90 meeetings in 90 days.

Ask for help.

Do what you're told.

Good thing your daughters and wife have more sense than you do when you're drinking. But then everybody had more sense than I did when I was drinking.

Horn95

That's the plan. Going to a meeting tonight. I have not used the resources and people available to me. I have no excuses. None. I think I have used 8 of 9 lives.

Ladysadie

Good to see you Horn! I have wondered about you, as well as a few others that helped support me in my early days. TG you are recommitted to sobriety as you know "we" cannot drink normally.

Condolences to your loss of your mother and your longtime friend. Sounds like you have lots of reasons to work on sobriety this time. Your life, as well as others, deserve your best self!

LadyBug66

Hi Horn95. Someone told me early in my sobriety that I had many reasons why I drank and there is ONE reason I should not drink. (that one reason is me

Anna

Horn, I'm glad to see you back and I'm sorry for all the stuff you've gone through. Losing your best friend and your mother must have been tough.

It sounds like you are at a crossroads and I hope you choose to stop drinking for good. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, including your supportive wife. I hope that you keep posting.

tomsteve

if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
do you know what we have,horn?
are ya willing to go to any lengths to get it?

meeting makers make meetings.
meeting makers that take the steps recover from the hopeless state of mind and body

Horn95

Ah, "How it Works." I get it now. And yes, I am -- I want peace, serenity, and happiness. Sobriety.

gypsytears

Condolences on the loss of your mother. And your friend. It’s good you have your wife’s support through all of this. Sounds like you have a plan with AA so I’ll just say I’m glad you made it back.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your losses but I'm really glad you made it back man

D

lessgravity

I remember you well Horn. Sounds like you're lucky af to have made it back here. Lots of work to be done.

​​​​​​

tomsteve

awesome!
theres a crapton more than that,too. promises associated with every step.

RecklessDrunk

For people like us the drink already has us beat if we touch it again. Its certain disaster, has it ever not ultimately led to disaster? I dont mean disaster on every drunk. We get away with it with no problems once, twice, three times, then that eventual disastrous night comes. Driving or acting like a fool, or worse.

Once I have drink in me, even if that first night goes well the obsession is completely recharged and I just have to drink again. Then the odds of avoiding a drunken episode is like a pro baseball team trying to win all 162 games.

Misssy2

This is a BRUTALLY honest post and I know that honesty is the first step in sobriety....

I repeated that to myself (honesty is KEY) over and over years ago...when I first got sober in 2005 and maintained sobriety for 8 years and I was in AA for 6 of the 8 years.

I drank after 8 years...now I have (many near death experiences in 6 years)..right this minute have 3 days..

I also had significant losses this year 4 deaths...one my sister...

I always ask myself not "why" I drink... but why not? This is a very bad mindset to be in.

But as I "honestly" look at my situation I see I drink because I can't cope (not because they died that is not why I drank...I can't cope with them dying as normal people cope with death)...I don't have coping skills....and you have to be willing to find new coping skills...

You sound ready and willing and I wish you the best....Sober is better!

I am sorry for your Mom and friend...and your loss...
.

thomas11

Glad to see you back Horn. I hope you find your way....soon. Very sorry for your losses.

Hevyn

I remember you too, Horn - I'm glad you chose to return to us. You know we care about you.

If I picked up again I'm sure I'd be out of control in no time. The only way to stay safe is to not touch the stuff. Sometimes it takes a few tries to learn that lesson. There's no long term comfort from drinking - even though getting numb seems like a great answer when we're hurting. We're just postponing dealing with our emotions - and adding another problem on top of the one we're trying to escape from.

I'm sorry to hear of your mother & friend's passing.

Welcome back!