90 Days Sober - Guilt and Shame
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 20
90 Days Sober - Guilt and Shame
Hi guys! I am 90 days sober today after a second DUI in July. I just turned 30. I'm trying to be positive. I cannot change my past. What I can do, is fill my 30s with sobriety.
I have shame and guilt in regards to my drinking. I am grateful that I did not harm anyone when I chose to drink and drive. With the support of my sober friends, I sold my car and have used the proceeds to pay out-of-pocket to see a therapist.
It is nice to "meet" you all. I am struggling to find my sober "tribe." AA is not for me. I do attend Big Book discussions on occasion and have several speaker meetings I enjoy.
I participate in Refuge Recovery meetings. Meditation has changed my life.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
I have shame and guilt in regards to my drinking. I am grateful that I did not harm anyone when I chose to drink and drive. With the support of my sober friends, I sold my car and have used the proceeds to pay out-of-pocket to see a therapist.
It is nice to "meet" you all. I am struggling to find my sober "tribe." AA is not for me. I do attend Big Book discussions on occasion and have several speaker meetings I enjoy.
I participate in Refuge Recovery meetings. Meditation has changed my life.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Guilt and shame are a breeding ground for relapse once your head has cleared up. It caused me to relapse at 13 months sober - well I was the one that picked up the drink. But guilt and shame were a big part of my reasoning.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by aspiringwriter8 
...AA is not for me. I do attend Big Book discussions on occasion and have several speaker meetings I enjoy.
I participate in Refuge Recovery meetings. Meditation has changed my life.
...
Who says AA "is for me" or "is not for me?"
I don't see anything wrong with going to some big book discussions and listening in on some speaker meetings. Who says you have to do more than that?
I never heard of Refuge Recovery (I like the sound of "participation" though!) but if that and meditation has had a positive influence on your life and helping you not drink, it can't be bad.
As long as you're hanging out with people who know how to stay away from a drink, you're good to go.
Ninety days is a big deal!
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Hey there, Aspiring Writer! Congratulations on 90 days!
It has taken me more than 5 years to (sort of) get over being arrested for being belligerent. (I am embarrassed still). Therapy has helped me accept my mistakes; part of the reason I drink is because I have really harsh standards for myself. Now, I can appreciate that I am human, imperfect and it is okay if I made mistakes in the past -- it's what you do with mistakes. As for the lingering embarrassment, maybe it's a good thing since fear of getting arrested again keeps me sober.
I also struggled to find my sobriety tribe. I am not religious and AA is very difficult for me to get behind since I cannot mentally get past the first step. I have had success with Rational Recovery and SMART, however. There is no one right way to get sober, but it is very, very difficult to do it alone.
Participating in the variety of Newcomer's Daily Support threads is something new I am doing that makes me feel less isolated. I am in the September class and I also visit the 24-hour Connections and the Morning Gratitude threads. There is also a busy sober "weekenders" recurring post that offers daily support.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-459-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 459)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...part-92-a.html (Morning Gratitude ~ Part 92)
It has taken me more than 5 years to (sort of) get over being arrested for being belligerent. (I am embarrassed still). Therapy has helped me accept my mistakes; part of the reason I drink is because I have really harsh standards for myself. Now, I can appreciate that I am human, imperfect and it is okay if I made mistakes in the past -- it's what you do with mistakes. As for the lingering embarrassment, maybe it's a good thing since fear of getting arrested again keeps me sober.
I also struggled to find my sobriety tribe. I am not religious and AA is very difficult for me to get behind since I cannot mentally get past the first step. I have had success with Rational Recovery and SMART, however. There is no one right way to get sober, but it is very, very difficult to do it alone.
Participating in the variety of Newcomer's Daily Support threads is something new I am doing that makes me feel less isolated. I am in the September class and I also visit the 24-hour Connections and the Morning Gratitude threads. There is also a busy sober "weekenders" recurring post that offers daily support.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-459-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 459)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...part-92-a.html (Morning Gratitude ~ Part 92)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Originally Posted by loulou1981
90 days is fantastic, uve taken some great positive steps. I cant offer any advice as I'm 11days in so clearly no expert!! I will just say, stay here, post & read as often as possible!!
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by aspiringwriter8
Hi guys! I am 90 days sober today after a second DUI in July. I just turned 30. I'm trying to be positive. I cannot change my past. What I can do, is fill my 30s with sobriety.
It is nice to "meet" you all. I am struggling to find my sober "tribe." AA is not for me. I do attend Big Book discussions on occasion and have several speaker meetings I enjoy.
I participate in Refuge Recovery meetings. Meditation has changed my life.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
It is nice to "meet" you all. I am struggling to find my sober "tribe." AA is not for me. I do attend Big Book discussions on occasion and have several speaker meetings I enjoy.
I participate in Refuge Recovery meetings. Meditation has changed my life.
Any thoughts? Thanks!
Before I lived here I was in a smaller city with no AA alternative. A group of us started our own Buddhist based recovery meeting. We used Kevin Griffins book One Breath at a Time as our “big book”. Maybe you can find some like minded folks with good sobriety to do something similar?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,779
The best advice I was ever given to shore up my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. It was hard at first, but I did it anyway and now it's a habit to be grateful every day for my blessings.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
The guilt and shame will fade as you get more sober time.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0
The guilt and shame will fade as you get more sober time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Congrats on 90 days!
I got sober in my 30s too and had to re-build my social life to stay sober.
Turns out most people are non alcoholics and like to go do lots of interesting things instead of sitting around drinking!
I recommend reconnecting with your hobbies and passions - sign up for classes/join clubs/volunteer - and you’ll start to meet people whose company you enjoy with similar interests.
First year for me was mostly figuring out how to navigate life sober:
I got sober in my 30s too and had to re-build my social life to stay sober.
Turns out most people are non alcoholics and like to go do lots of interesting things instead of sitting around drinking!
I recommend reconnecting with your hobbies and passions - sign up for classes/join clubs/volunteer - and you’ll start to meet people whose company you enjoy with similar interests.
First year for me was mostly figuring out how to navigate life sober:
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Also adding that I gave myself permission to do a second ‘90 days’ to focus on healing from the damage drinking caused - emotionally, physically, etc.
During this time I was gentle with myself and didn’t push myself. I suffered from a fair amount of brain fog that frustratingly got worse during this period too.
90 days gave me just enough clarity to see the damage that I had really done, but I needed more healing time before I could jump in to make headway on a positive path, if that makes sense. Shame/Guilt came with that clarity.
It’s worth it tho! Good luck
During this time I was gentle with myself and didn’t push myself. I suffered from a fair amount of brain fog that frustratingly got worse during this period too.
90 days gave me just enough clarity to see the damage that I had really done, but I needed more healing time before I could jump in to make headway on a positive path, if that makes sense. Shame/Guilt came with that clarity.
It’s worth it tho! Good luck
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