Gabe1980

I'm just realising today that I'm in compete denial about the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I've said it to people and make a few half-hearted attempts at sobriety but not proper recovery. Somewhere inside I don't really believe it or believe that I can change or need to change.

Can anyone help me with this? How to I tackle that denial? I'm frightened that I can't change.

ColoradoRocky

I'd make millions and win the Nobel Prize if I could answer that. I don't even know why I myself got to that point when I did.

The fact that you're saying these words can't be all bad, though.

Gabe1980

There has to be a way. I was thinking of printing out some of my posts from here and sticking them on the doors.

Dee74

I don't think you're that much in denial - this sounds pretty sound to me Gabe

will your addicted self try and convince you things are not that bad and that you just need to 'try harder' without actually doing anything new?

sure it will - but those rationalisations don't have to be, and should not go, unchallenged.

Gabe1980

That's where I'm at, thinking what do I need to change and what can I try. Trying isn't the problem, it's maintainence that is my continued issue - that and expecting people to make the decision for me. Thanks Dee

snitch

Wow. I just looked to see if you had any old posts and found quite alot of threads from you dated back to 2017. That's a pretty big clue lol.

One thread stuck out at me... AA Step One. So, have you been to AA? Are you in AA now?

Step one is pretty simple. The first part.. "we admitted we were powerless over alcohol."

Are you powerless? Do you find if you take one drink you can walk away quite easily without the desire to drink more? If you do manage to walk away after one drink do you feel content or are you restless and irritable until you can get another drink in you? Do you swear off alcohol and say you are never drinking again only to come to after another hideous binge?

The second part ..."and our lives had become unmanageable." Are you having trouble with personal relationships? Can you control your emotional nature? Are you a prey to misery and depression? Do you have a feeling of uselessness? Are you full of fear? Are you unhappy?"

If you can answer yes to both parts of this question then you have completed step one.

I had to concede to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic and that the notion that I could drink like other people had to be SMASHED!

That is your acceptance. That is all you have to do to accept.

So then the next question would be,, what are you going to do to recover?

Gabe1980

The answer is yes to all the above. It really is. I don't know why I keep going back - but then I really do. I know it's because the addict in me is holding on for dear life and that's why I'm not taking proper responsibility.

Thank you for this. It's really helpful.

Nonsensical

BOOM

Mine didn't want to let go, either. He would tell me anything to get me to drink again. Stuff I really wanted to hear. Once more won't matter. or Next time will be different. He is a liar and a thief. He would have murdered me if I had let him.

He didn't want to let go, but I starved him. It made him weaker and me stronger. I highly recommend it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Gabe1980

Thanks Nonsensical. I want it dead. I feel like I've just offered up all my power without a fight. My attitude is all wrong but I'm going to change it.

gypsytears

That’s a good attitude!

BackandScared

Exactly: it is your addiction.
What has worked for me (so far, fingers crossed) is this: I will not excuse myself more. I will not find reasons for my drinking. I drink because I am an addict. If I want to drink again it must be under those terms. It is not because I am sad or happy, my life is beautiful or horrible. It is not my husband's fault or my boss'. It is not because I am on denial. It is because I am an addict that wants the substance she is addicted to.

Others find strength in transcendence. I am finding my strength in acknowledging that simple fact.

There is one food I like that makes me very sick every time I eat it. I got particularly sick last time. I know it and I don't eat it. I have tried several times because I really like it. It always ends up badly. Not as badly as drinking. Not half as bad as my last hungover. I am not addicted to that food so I stay away. I have tried enough times to have enough evidence.

The only reason I keep thinking about alcohol despite tones of evidence is the addiction. I will not lie to myself again.

Gabe1980

Thank you, this really helps. There are so many lies that I tell myself about drinking that it's hard to define but then it must be anything that makes drinking sound like a good idea or no big deal, that minimises the consequences or that tells me its normal in our culture. There is nothing 'normal' about the way I drink.

SoberRican

Hello there yeah I would think right now I would assume you want to get that ball and chain off your ankle. Now it's time to figure out what type of tool you can use to get that ball and chain off of your ankle that's what's holding you down that addiction I get it we all get it but that cycle can be broken that ball and chain can be severed just take it one day at a time ✌

Anna

Gabe, I don't think you're in denial.

I think you are not ready to commit to change yet.

My suggestion would be to sit down and write a plan for each day. Your plan will evolve as you move from stopping drinking to recovery. But, having a plan might help you to focus on getting through each day. Consider what you eat, who you talk to, what you do in your free time, those kinds of things.

lessgravity

I agree with Anna. Denial is used sometimes as a way of avoiding the fact that we know we have to quit but we just don't want to. That's not denial, it's just the giving in, over and over, to the desire to drink. I know for me, realizing I was not in denial but rather just not deciding to do the right thing, was integral to my sobriety. Some might say it's just a difference of semantics, for me semantics were the difference between life and death.
​​​

NerfThis

^ This.

Gabe1980

Thanks Anna. I'll start tomorrow morning. I have a few days off before going back to work to try and sort myself out. And you are right. I've not been willing to properly change. To be consistent and take responsibility. It's pitiful really. I want to feel how I do when I'm sober while still being able to drink.

Gabe1980

You and Anna are both right. I read these posts and I've been sitting thinking. I just haven't been committed to doing what I need to because I've not wanted to completely give up drinking. I've been staying sober long enough to feel ok about myself and get along ok with everyone then going on these massive binges and counting on getting away with it cause I have enough good credit with people......thats really disgusting. Thank you. I needed to hear that.

brighterday1234

AAPJ

As others have said you are past denial but need a bit more motivation to move in the right direction. The fact that you are past denial is really pretty big in getting to recovery. I hope you decide to put in the work and kick the alcohol for good.

Human behavior improvement is simple in concept but difficult to execute. Be it excessive alcohol consumption or the need to improve ones diet or going to the gym regularly. All of these behavior improvements are directly related to better health but few manage to succeed long term.