To Scared to drink and too scared not to
 

I am really scared of drinking. My balance is off and I can barely walk from the lounge to the toilet. It's all peripheral neuropathy but that doesn't help with the anxiety. I am basically housebound.

If I stop my legs shake even more due to anxiety.i still need to get to the corner shop for food. People stare. 8 I know I have brought this on myself as my dad reminded me yesterday.

But I have to stop or I could end up in a nursing home or wheelchair. The withdrawal is horrendous as well.

There has been tremendous support for you and suggestions on what you could do, and what has worked for others, on your past threads. However, again, it all boils down to what are you willing to do to help yourself. So, what are you willing to do?

I can't do anything detox or rehab if I can't get off the lounge. My whole house is full of dirty dishes and rubbish.

Sounds to me like all the more reason you need professional detox and then rehab, Sweetichick.

Admitting this problem is beyond your capabilities to fix could be the key to long term success.

You must want a different way of life than this - let your actions kickoff that change that you need :)

If you're having trouble getting around or taking care of yourself, you need to see your Doctor, or any doctor, and tell him/her the extent of the problem.

If you can't drive anywhere, and you can't get or afford a taxi or Uber, you can either google a home visit Doctor ( they bulk bill) or ring an ambulance to the ER?

D

A supervised medical detox could be just what you need to jump start your recovery. You need help getting thru the initial physical withdrawal. I hope you decide to take action to get sober for good before it's too late.

How's your mom doing?

If necessary I will call the mental health line and get awelfare check. I don't want to get myself locked in a psych ward over a few withdrawal. I decided to pre-order my groceries for a week. And then grow up get through them go back to AA and really start pounding the AV. I have no choice or mental health will take over and drug me to death

My mum has finished chemo and everything looks good. Thanks for asking.

Noone here can make you do anything you don't want to sweetichick.

If you just want to use this thread to vent about your life thats fine, but folks are almost certainly going to still try and give you recovery advice cos we care and we want your story to end well :)

Personally I think you're at the point where you need a welfare check now, but like I say I can't make you do that.

I'd also start thinking about how exactly you're going to 'pound the AV' and stop yourself drinking etc.

D

I probably do need a welfare check but have had bad experience with the system. I don't want to spend the night on a short l9unge in triage. People who are in there have really lost it.i will wait until tomorrow.

I identify with how you are feeling. Scared to drink and scared to not drink. Even though drinking is destroying you, it is familiar. It is your crutch to deal with life. It was mine as well. Then it doesn't work anymore. In fact it turns on you so badly and wants you dead.

Change is scary and the thought of living life on life's terms is as well but I can promise you Sweetie that it is so so worth it. I can say that now from experience. Us alcoholics are pretty resilient people. We must be to put ourselves through the hell of drinking each day whilst still trying to hold onto life.

Do you have anyone who can support you? I get the impression you are kind of on your own and an alcoholic left with their own head is a pretty sick person (in my experience). Personally I would love to see you reach out to a female AA member and ask them for help and support. I am no expert as I didn't go into any detox facility but it does sound to me that that is your best bet. You clearly cannot do this alone.

Ultimately though, it comes down to how much you want to get and stay sober. After my last drunk I just knew I had to be done with drinking. It was killing me and I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink . Are you at that place?

I will keep you in my prayers Sweetie 🙏❤🙏❤

Best of luck to you, Sweeti. I truly hope you get the help you need and deserve.

Actually, it might just be what you need. Several weeks ago I made a very bad decision to relapse. I was devastated (and drunk) and I swallowed handfuls of pills. I am estimating a very large number, well near 100 or so. Thank god my attempt and ending everything didn't end well. I woke up the next morning but discovered I could not walk and was shaking so bad I could not unlock my phone. I also must have been hell on earth because the face recognition unlock wouldn't work. I was crawling around the house, desperate to live. I finally- after what may have been hours, unlocked my phone and was able to manage putting in the number for an ambulance. They came and after a long time of grasping the door knob I was able to lift myself up, and then after an even longer time steady my hand to put the key in the door to unlock it and reach the safety waiting for me. I went to the hospital and was set up in triage myself. I then had to spend the night in the critical observation room with about 25 other people also needing observation for various conditions. I then got moved to the psych ward and had a room for a week.

I tell you this, something very personal, devastating and embarrassing I had not intended on sharing, to come to the final point: I am so glad I called for help and am still here. I hate the hospital as much as anyone else but when there is no hope going it alone thank God they are there.

I am very glad you are still here to tell your story Mera.
Thank you for sharing.

You are right that things can go from bad to horrific in an instant.

I hope this will be a new and permanent beginning for you :)
D

This is what happened to me, I became unable to walk from room to room in my own house whether I was withdrawing or drinking. Then like mera I was unable to work my phone, I just lay there. Luckily my daughter popped in and found me, called an ambulance and I promptly went into cardiac arrest. Luckily because she had popped in I could be defibrillated and resuscitated - my point is don't wait to feel worse before getting an ambulance because you won't be able to.
I know what it's like being either drunk or withdrawing with no in between, I know you're suffering so much x

To echo what Dee and Daisy said, this is no joke, things can go into a very deadly state in an instant.
I could not walk, stand... so even with no phone I couldn't get up to open the door or a window to scream at passsebys for help.
For literally hours I was powerless because I could not steady myself to open my phone. I would finally get it unlocked but then could not type in the number- just 3 numbers.... So it would lock up again and I had to start over. For hours and hours, desperate to finally live.

I hesitate to recommend this as I don't want to find that it becomes an "out" for not calling for help now. However, you might want to look into one of those necklace things that you wear 24/7 which has one single button you press and an ambulance is called along with any family members or friends you ask to be programmed in. My grandmother had one and it saved her life the night she got up to go to the toilet and fell, breaking her hip. She was able to press one button and the ambulance was called along with a local, younger friend who had a key to her house and my mother. It was the middle of the night so a critical thing to have to get help immediately.

Powerful and brave experiences to share Mera and daisy. I keep rooting for you Sweeti. You obviously need help. Your 'strategy' to avoid a mental health ward or similar outcomes are actually the fastest route to end up there if you are very lucky. But perhaps this is what you need and somehow you are leading yourself there.

The enormity of what alcohol does is hitting me hugely reading this thread. It's terrifying what it can do. I can see why my family and friends were so desperate and powerless to help me. In that state I could have read all of this and it wouldn't have sunk in because the alcohol is in charge.
Praying you get a glimpse of clarity sweeti and reach for help x