To Scared to drink and too scared not to
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Bebrave 
Sweetichick— I never post really as I stopped drinking about a year ago. But you remind me of my brother.
A lifelong alcoholic that could no longer work after about 45 due to losing so many jobs due to alcoholism. He lived with my parents his entire life until they both passed away. He stayed on in their apartment— within a year he was spiraling out of control and worse than ever before.
Once my parents died it was hard to go to his apartment. He wasn’t welcoming and it had too many memories of my parents.
Here is why his story reminds me of you: end of June he called me and said he needed to go to the hospital because he couldn’t breath. They admitted him and he mentioned he needed to have his garbage taken out. I said no problem and I would go the next day and take it out.
When my husband and I went the stench just in the hallway was like someone had died! We went into the apartment and I almost passed out! Old food, takeout boxes, liquor bottles, a months worth of dishes, multiple pants with diarrhea in the bathroom, and bugs and gnats throughout. I just cried! Thankfully my steadfast husband was with me. It was so sad and sickening.
When I went back to the hospital and talked to my brother he was pretty blasé about it. In the past he had never admitted to me he was an alcoholic- never. Even though I had tried multiple times to get him help.
He was so sick- diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. He thought he would just get “patched up” and go back home. After a month in the hospital he passed away— 57 years old.
The reason my story reminds me of you is because there is a person that will have to go into your apartment— either because you’ve died or in the hospital. My brother was so embarrassed I discovered him living like that,
He told me while in the hospital “ I’m absolutely never drinking again”. I think he really meant it— but he died. It was too little too late.
I feel like this is where you are headed unless you make a drastic change. Best of health to you.
A lifelong alcoholic that could no longer work after about 45 due to losing so many jobs due to alcoholism. He lived with my parents his entire life until they both passed away. He stayed on in their apartment— within a year he was spiraling out of control and worse than ever before.
Once my parents died it was hard to go to his apartment. He wasn’t welcoming and it had too many memories of my parents.
Here is why his story reminds me of you: end of June he called me and said he needed to go to the hospital because he couldn’t breath. They admitted him and he mentioned he needed to have his garbage taken out. I said no problem and I would go the next day and take it out.
When my husband and I went the stench just in the hallway was like someone had died! We went into the apartment and I almost passed out! Old food, takeout boxes, liquor bottles, a months worth of dishes, multiple pants with diarrhea in the bathroom, and bugs and gnats throughout. I just cried! Thankfully my steadfast husband was with me. It was so sad and sickening.
When I went back to the hospital and talked to my brother he was pretty blasé about it. In the past he had never admitted to me he was an alcoholic- never. Even though I had tried multiple times to get him help.
He was so sick- diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. He thought he would just get “patched up” and go back home. After a month in the hospital he passed away— 57 years old.
The reason my story reminds me of you is because there is a person that will have to go into your apartment— either because you’ve died or in the hospital. My brother was so embarrassed I discovered him living like that,
He told me while in the hospital “ I’m absolutely never drinking again”. I think he really meant it— but he died. It was too little too late.
I feel like this is where you are headed unless you make a drastic change. Best of health to you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by Sweetichick2
I guarantee I will come here before the before I drink. What were your reasons for being too scared f stopping.
Oh my gosh, there were so many reasons I was scared. I'll tell you some of my fears and then what happened.
a. I was really, really shy when I was young. Full of anxiety. When I started drinking, I became less inhibited. I was scared of going back to the shy wallflower I was.
b. It turns out I was so shy because I'm pretty sensitive. Alcohol numbed that. I was still nervous and shy, but I've learned better coping skills. And I've learned to accept who I am. Plus, I'm more confident now, so I'm not quite so shy as I was.
a. Drinking had become part of my identity. I was the girl who could drink like the guys. I could drink anyone under the table. I was a rebel. I was a drinker. I was proud of how much vodka I could drink. I was afraid of who I'd be without that. Even when it was bad, I still identified as a drinker. I identified as someone who struggled to stay sober--because I could still drink. I was terrified of losing my familiar identity.
b. I'm no longer a train wreck. What I thought was my identity was just a mask. I'm still me, but I had become such a miserable drunk that my real identity was buried. I finally rediscovered who I am. I'm still kind of rebellious (ish--I'm middle aged now, so not quite in the same way), but I'm happier about it.
a. I was terrified I couldn't quit. What if I couldn't do it? My fear of failure drove me back to drinking.
b. I finally realized I had nothing left to lose. I was going to die if I didn't stop, so might as well give it all I had. I've been sober a while now and am no longer afraid that I'll mess up and drink. It was hard and I didn't always trust myself.
a. I was scared of finding out I had health problems due to drinking. In my alcoholic thinking, if I kept drinking, then the fears would go away.
b. I'm healthier now than I've been since before I started drinking.
a. I was just scared. My addiction turned up the volume on my anxiety to 11 (Spinal Tap reference). Everything scared me. What if people knew I had a problem? What if I couldn't quit? What if I was a failure? What if what if what if.
b. I was fine. Any problems I did have (depression, anxiety, insomnia, financial, spiritual, motivation, etc) are all much easier to deal with/treat/cure in sobriety.
a. I was afraid of the unknown. Drinking/relapse was familiar. It was terrible, but at least I knew what to expect.
b. Sobriety has been much better than I had hoped. It took a while to adjust, but I would never go back.
These are the ones off the top of my head. I'll let you know if I think of more. I hope these help.
I really do identify with you, Sweeti. Many of us can. I hope that it can work both ways. That maybe you can start identifying with those of us who have gotten sober, despite the struggles. Start looking towards the other side.
Hope your day goes well.
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