Natom

Hey everyone,

This is my sporadic check-in to let y'all know how I'm doing. I'm currently still using. I was doing quite well on my taper (mainly because I physically couldn't get any more drugs) but I'm now using much more than I was before. It's very much a case of 1 being too many and a 1000 never enough. I was able to restock on my drug of choice from all the available sources within a period of 48 hours. That was my downfall. I had (and still have) 100s of pills just sitting there in my cabinet and the temptation just became overwhelming.

I'm not out hustling for my drugs but my behaviour surrounding their acquisition is not healthy. The tapers were moderately successful before they failed but I think my main issue is I don't have any accountability. If I use the only person I have to answer to is myself. I'm beginning to seriously consider going onto an opiate replacement program and getting a script for methadone or subutex/suboxone. As long as it doesn't affect my job.

It's not ideal, and it's my last resort. However, if I'm prescribed my drugs by the state then I don't have to muck about trying to get them myself whilst spending a lot of money in the process. I've noticed that over the last few days I've been researching harder opiates and figuring out where I can get them from. That will be my downfall. If I skip a couple of steps then it will be the beginning of my end.

Work is becoming an issue. Every day is more stressful than the last one. I dread the phonecalls and e-mails that ping through during the course of the day. I wait, and wait, until 4pm when I can get away with driving home. Then I get home and use my stressful day as an excuse to get high. I have to be available until 17:30 but I'm high long before that.

So that's where I am today. I'm a bit all over the place.

Natom

Dee74

There's no good ending the way you're going Tom

Time to try some other things.
I also recommend NA - it seemed to work for you before?

D

Zanna

Tom - go to your GP and let them help you get off these things. Trust me, they are more than used to dealing with it
You deserve a little hands on help.

Natom

I've been to my GP before, one that has a special interest in addiction and mental health. They meant well but the taper I was on was useless. I also wasn't able to see them everytime I went in which didn't help. One of the options we discussed at the time was opiate replacement if the taper didn't work. That was nearly two years ago so I figure it's about time I start seriously considering that option.

Natom

August252015

I'm sorry to hear this. Many people insist- and persist- on ideas like tapering. From what I see and hear, it rarely works. Not permanently unless there's a lot of other things added once you quit.

I know I don't have any more gambles to take on living sober. I hope you stop before you run out.

Natom

See I've heard and experienced the exact opposite. I know loads of people who have tapered off heroin and other opiate drugs and have been clean for years. Tapers are only really effective if they're well planned and if you went by NHS guidance you're only supposed to drop by a maximum of 10% at a time. Obviously once the drug was out of their system they put a recovery plan in place and off they went.

The problem I'm having is the physical addiction. Tapering is incredibly difficult, especially when you have 24/7 access to your DOC. When I did it through my GP I was prescribed the exact amount I needed until I next saw him. The problem was they wanted me to drop when I wasn't ready. So I went from 8 to 6 pills a day but ended up getting more on the side to make up for it. The taper failed because I was being told how many to drop by rather than being asked how I was dealing with my current dose. If they'd have done that we could have adjusted the dosage accordingly.

I think that realistically a taper will only work for me if I'm able to do it over a period of 2/3 months, dropping a little bit every week. I'm now in a position where I have enough of my DOC to be able to do this. I just need to be able to plan it out so I come off very very gradually at a pace that I'm comfortable with.

However, and this is a big however, when I start to do this I need to make sure that I'm accessing the support that I'm able to. The meetings, the support groups. I need to start doing them now rather than when I'm completely off drugs. That has always been my biggest downfall. I'd have some proper real life accountability then. People would know where I'm at with it because I'd tell them.

The other problem I have with tapering is I end up in this weird junkie limbo where I'm not sick but I'm not well. I'm kinda in between in purgatory. I'm not sick and that's really good but I'm not high either. And all of the stuff I've been repressing for years starts coming to the surface. That's why I need the real life support when I'm tapering.

I'm going to try and plan a realistic taper tonight when I get in from work. But I'm going to work NA meetings and drop-in sessions into the taper otherwise there's no point in me doing it at all. The one word that stands out in my head is 'yet'. When used in the context of:

Well it's not that bad because I'm not using heroin...yet.

I don't have to commit any crimes to support my habit...yet

I've not ended up in prison/hospital/a psych ward...yet

Natom

Anna

Tom, it sounds like you're digging yourself in deeper, when you really want to get out. What steps can you take to stop? I think that talking to your doctor might be helpful as a start.

August252015

The yets are one of the most likely things to kill us.

Coldfusion

I hope you can end this cycle soon, Tom. I went to in-patient detox and followed up with ninety meetings in ninety days. Please do whatever you can--make some phone calls and follow through.

I don't think it's a good plan to go on using for two to three months.

newhope01

wiscsober

Tom - thanks for taking the time to post. I hope the best for you. Keep an open mind to what others reply to you.

doggonecarl

YET = You’re Eligible Too

Sad to read how much your addiction is driving your thinking. Hope you find the means to break free.

Natom

I'm bypassing the doctor and going straight to the people who do the opiate prescribing. It saves referral time. GPs are woefully ill equipped to deal with addiction issues, at least in my surgery.

Natom

Natom

I can't realistically do 90 in 90 because of work and meeting frequency. I could probably do like 36 in 90 if I really tried. I also can't do an in-patient detox because of work. But I can do 36 in 90 and outpatient support.

Natom

Natom

I don't need to worry about insurance because I'm in the UK. It's more the impact of being prescribed something like suboxone or methadone and then continuing work, where a large part of it is driving. I know people who've been on methadone for ten years I don't want to be like that. I want to get on it, taper off and get off it.

I'd also need them to prescribe methadone to take home or suboxone/subutex etc. There's no way I could go to the chemist everyday.

Natom

BeABetterMan

Natom

I'm on prescription meds. They're sourced from doctors and pharmacies rather than dealers. So fortunately a fentanyl spiking is something I don't have to worry about. I've been on the other side of the fence and convinced people in my exact position to get clean. It's just much more difficult when you're trying to convince yourself.

I know I haven't got long left. I may not have the risk of getting spiked but I have the risk of going over. My tolerance is insane and I normally take 4 times the recommended daily dose in one sitting. I know that I could be one nod away from never coming back. I've tried going cold turkey and I've had a few attempts at tapers, some more successful than others.

I'm hesitant to go on methadone or suboxone because with my DOC is it's incredibly hard to get the replacement doses right. I'm giving myself one last proper attempt at a taper I've just planned. It's 7 weeks long and goes down by 2 pills a week with a couple of weeks constant in between. I'm going to go to the doctor in between so I can be monitored but I don't think it will cause any medical issues.

Congratulations on your clean time.

Natom

Natom

It's straight up living my life 100% of the time. I'm either high, thinking about getting high, or in the process of getting high. I spent years addicted to cocaine and even then I wasn't so 'consumed' as I am now. But then the coke didn't have a physical addiction and that makes such a massive difference. I need to use just to feel 'normal'

Natom.

jhonnyspa

Hi Natom.

I think you should consider in-patient rehab, as what good is work if you die from a overdose. Every one I know that is on Methadone still use heroine and they found/find it worse to get of then the gear.It might be best to speak with a addiction councillor as opposed to just a GP.Good luck with it.

tomsteve

beings how ya said this earlier:
I've been to my GP before, one that has a special interest in addiction and mental health. They meant well but the taper I was on was useless

ya lost me.
ive heard addicts that have been sober for some time say it wasnt the taper that was the problem- it was themselves. the tapers would have worked if they worked it.

ya gotta make a choice- do ya want to get clean or not?
if ya want to get clean, are ya willing to go to ANY lengths for that?