The Process
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
The Process
Hey Ya'll!
I am not sure I ever shared my beginning., maybe I have. Some threads on the forum have me really thinking about how long I continued the relapse cycles and what that looked like to me.
When I was 17 I got hooked on meth. I was doing that for about 2 years and quit cold turkey. No NA no help, just pure will and fear. Fear of going to prison and losing all my freedom. I had already been to jail 3 times, 1 felony conviction which I was able to get off my record.
When I stopped Meth I turned to working out. My then Husband was also in prison, not for drugs. I would go and visit him every single weekend and stay in teh area all weekend.
I was able to see what prison was second hand, and I wanted no part of it.
When he got out of prison he continued to use, I did not.
It was not until I was 21 that I really started to drink (besides the times in high school, even then it was a problem, blackout drinker from the beginning)
I was 22 and was divorced and quickly moved onto the next relationship. Drinking was our thing on the weekends, it slowly progressed (in true alcoholic fashion) to more and mroe, more blackouts, more disrespect to the relationship, to myself and so on.
By 25 I had a problem, it was clear to me I had a problem.
From here I got a DWI, sent my then-boyfriend to jail for a domestic which didn't happen, I embarassed myself and others, the list has ended but with a bang.
From 25-31 I would go to AA for months, I think the longest was 7 months. Then I drank, and I continued to drink for a few more years, then I would take a few more months off. All this time I knew I had a problem, I knew I needed to stop.
But the driving force to change, wasnt there. I was not ready.
I was not ready to be sober, I was not ready to change, I was not ready at all.
I wanted it, I didn't want to be the drunk fool anymore. But I didn't want it bad enough.
I would not go to AA every week and collect a new 24-hour chip, I would not cry to my friends every time I drank. I just lived with it, my decision and myself.
My Drinking was a weekend warrior. I was not an everyday drinker, I was not shaking, I was not physically addicted to the drink.
I was addicted to how it made me feel. Sometimes the life of the party, the attention, the "friends", the party, the going out, the VIP treatment, how while I was drinking my problems went away.
No single person could get through to me. There were a few close people who would suggest I should stop drinking, and then I would stop and a few months later they would tell me I don't have a problem and that I just need to control how many I have, stay away from hard liquor and have no more than XXX beers.
When I was ready, I stopped. Just. Like. That. DONE!
That was on September 24 2017 and I have not looked back.
We can give advice until we are blue in the face, we can tell it soft and compassionate or we can give tough love. If that person does not want to change, they will not.
My prayers go out to those still suffering, still in the cycle. I pray they WAKE UP and know the cycle can END. I pray that they are given a new day, a fresh start to live sober and truly recover. I pray the thought of a drink is removed from them and they can recover. Starting NOW!
Blessings,
DC
I am not sure I ever shared my beginning., maybe I have. Some threads on the forum have me really thinking about how long I continued the relapse cycles and what that looked like to me.
When I was 17 I got hooked on meth. I was doing that for about 2 years and quit cold turkey. No NA no help, just pure will and fear. Fear of going to prison and losing all my freedom. I had already been to jail 3 times, 1 felony conviction which I was able to get off my record.
When I stopped Meth I turned to working out. My then Husband was also in prison, not for drugs. I would go and visit him every single weekend and stay in teh area all weekend.
I was able to see what prison was second hand, and I wanted no part of it.
When he got out of prison he continued to use, I did not.
It was not until I was 21 that I really started to drink (besides the times in high school, even then it was a problem, blackout drinker from the beginning)
I was 22 and was divorced and quickly moved onto the next relationship. Drinking was our thing on the weekends, it slowly progressed (in true alcoholic fashion) to more and mroe, more blackouts, more disrespect to the relationship, to myself and so on.
By 25 I had a problem, it was clear to me I had a problem.
From here I got a DWI, sent my then-boyfriend to jail for a domestic which didn't happen, I embarassed myself and others, the list has ended but with a bang.
From 25-31 I would go to AA for months, I think the longest was 7 months. Then I drank, and I continued to drink for a few more years, then I would take a few more months off. All this time I knew I had a problem, I knew I needed to stop.
But the driving force to change, wasnt there. I was not ready.
I was not ready to be sober, I was not ready to change, I was not ready at all.
I wanted it, I didn't want to be the drunk fool anymore. But I didn't want it bad enough.
I would not go to AA every week and collect a new 24-hour chip, I would not cry to my friends every time I drank. I just lived with it, my decision and myself.
My Drinking was a weekend warrior. I was not an everyday drinker, I was not shaking, I was not physically addicted to the drink.
I was addicted to how it made me feel. Sometimes the life of the party, the attention, the "friends", the party, the going out, the VIP treatment, how while I was drinking my problems went away.
No single person could get through to me. There were a few close people who would suggest I should stop drinking, and then I would stop and a few months later they would tell me I don't have a problem and that I just need to control how many I have, stay away from hard liquor and have no more than XXX beers.
When I was ready, I stopped. Just. Like. That. DONE!
That was on September 24 2017 and I have not looked back.
We can give advice until we are blue in the face, we can tell it soft and compassionate or we can give tough love. If that person does not want to change, they will not.
My prayers go out to those still suffering, still in the cycle. I pray they WAKE UP and know the cycle can END. I pray that they are given a new day, a fresh start to live sober and truly recover. I pray the thought of a drink is removed from them and they can recover. Starting NOW!
Blessings,
DC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, it's really hard to read the relapse threads knowing how absolutely powerless any of us are to effect change in someone else.
I quit when I was ready. No amount of cajoling or, "support," would have helped. As a matter of fact, people telling me what to do would have the opposite effect.
If anyone had told me I had to quit, I'm not sure - but I probably would have laughed and poured another Margarita. But then, I had no legal or health consequences. I wasn't even in a relationship or working so I didn't have that to worry about.
When I was done, there was no waffling. It was time. No one to blame, it was on me.
I quit when I was ready. No amount of cajoling or, "support," would have helped. As a matter of fact, people telling me what to do would have the opposite effect.
If anyone had told me I had to quit, I'm not sure - but I probably would have laughed and poured another Margarita. But then, I had no legal or health consequences. I wasn't even in a relationship or working so I didn't have that to worry about.
When I was done, there was no waffling. It was time. No one to blame, it was on me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Yeah, it's really hard to read the relapse threads knowing how absolutely powerless any of us are to effect change in someone else.
I quit when I was ready. No amount of cajoling or, "support," would have helped. As a matter of fact, people telling me what to do would have the opposite effect.
If anyone had told me I had to quit, I'm not sure - but I probably would have laughed and poured another Margarita. But then, I had no legal or health consequences. I wasn't even in a relationship or working so I didn't have that to worry about.
When I was done, there was no waffling. It was time. No one to blame, it was on me.
I quit when I was ready. No amount of cajoling or, "support," would have helped. As a matter of fact, people telling me what to do would have the opposite effect.
If anyone had told me I had to quit, I'm not sure - but I probably would have laughed and poured another Margarita. But then, I had no legal or health consequences. I wasn't even in a relationship or working so I didn't have that to worry about.
When I was done, there was no waffling. It was time. No one to blame, it was on me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
This is a brilliant post DC and your story is very similar to mine. Even though I knew I should quit drinking the reality was I didn't want to quit. I just wanted all the bad consequences to stop happening but when I was done I was done. I fought so hard to beat alcohol, it was the biggest fight of my life but it beat me hands down everytime until one day I surrendered. I knew I would never have it beat and I knew that if I kept stepping into the ring, one day it would finish me off for good.
I will join you in praying for the still suffering alcoholic. No one in their right mind would choose that life which proves that we are insane to continue drinking knowing the consequences but that is how powerful alcohol is. I am grateful to be sober today and I never want to go back to that hell ever again.
Lots of love to you and your little, DC ❤❤
I will join you in praying for the still suffering alcoholic. No one in their right mind would choose that life which proves that we are insane to continue drinking knowing the consequences but that is how powerful alcohol is. I am grateful to be sober today and I never want to go back to that hell ever again.
Lots of love to you and your little, DC ❤❤
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