When the wind blows how strong are your roots, Weekender - Weekenders 04 - 07 October 2019
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,848
Originally Posted by MLD51 
Oh, man. If I had an actual kitchen right now I'd be doing a sort of fry-up for breakfast tomorrow morning. No toast for me. Just eggs, bacon, sausage, sauteed mushrooms and peppers and onions. Making myself hungry right now thinking about it.
Not smoking gave me a super appetite, any food was a delight now that I could smell and taste at 100%
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Well, not to be a Debbie Downer here but after 479 days, 18 hours, 30 minutes I have relapsed. I cannot take the noise in my head, I cannot take others thinking I am being mean when I really am not. I have no job therefore no income and I am lonely. Tonight I am drinking as that is how I chose to deal with these feelings, no-one made me do this, no-one bought me the drink or poured it down my neck. Nothing anyone has said made me do this. It was totally my choice. I did it. I am sorry to all of you who backed me, believed in me. I have had too many things that have come at me all at once, I have chose the wrong door. I hope in the morning I can re-start and re-boot. I am not made of titanium like Sia, I am human, I make mistakes and I just hope that tomorrow I can start again. I have a video conference call on Monday with a counsellor in Thailand from my rehab. Ashamed but no point in lying about it as that will not serve me in recovery. xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
MantaLady, no need for shame. I do hope the conference call is beneficial. I’m sorry to read of your employment circumstance.
I too had noise in my head and adverse feelings, after people here called me an ‘enabler’ on someone’s thread; and yes, my AV said I should drink. The AV lies, always. I relapsed earlier this year after two and a half years, but it took me six months of downwards drinking spiral, to stop again, with the help of the kind and compassionate folks here on SR, in my Secular thread.
I do hope you step straight back on the sobriety wagon, MantaLady x.
I too had noise in my head and adverse feelings, after people here called me an ‘enabler’ on someone’s thread; and yes, my AV said I should drink. The AV lies, always. I relapsed earlier this year after two and a half years, but it took me six months of downwards drinking spiral, to stop again, with the help of the kind and compassionate folks here on SR, in my Secular thread.
I do hope you step straight back on the sobriety wagon, MantaLady x.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Thanks Tatsy, really appreiciate your kind reply. I don't want to say to much as I am currently drunk and that is not when I express myself the best lol. I am full of self pity and an bit of a victim when I drink so I can't even trust myself to reach out with honesty. xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
MantaLady, I completely understand, I’ve been there! Please go to bed soon, perhaps drink some water and maybe if you can, a milky drink if you can stomach it, to aid sleep. Back on the proverbial wagon tomorrow, and then today can just be consigned to history, a little blip in your fabulous sobriety history. You’ve done so well MantaLady, posting here straight away. When I relapsed I hid it for ages, and it snowballed! Take care of yourself, you deserve it xx.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Don't be so kind, your making me cry haha! I am so disappointed with myself, I absolutely know better than this. I can't believe I have got to a stage where I willingly drank. There is a huge part of me that is happy to be free, I don't really care what anyone says about me right now. But I know this is not healthy or a real perception. Due to everyone reading my prev comments in a way that was not intended or reflactive of where I was coming from I am now to scared to even ask for help from people here. x
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
The fact I can see certain members reading this very post who profess compassion but are not responding says it all. If your in the in gang we'll back you but if your not we'll ostracize you. Story of my life, surrounded by hypocrites!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
MantaLady, the sooner you rehydrate and go to bed the better, in my oh so long experience. The sun rises and shines on a new planet Earth, each morning, no shame, resentments, self-pity: it just shines as usual, without ruminating upon the previous days’ rays or whether they were adequate. So can you. Rise and try your very best to shine in the morning. Xx
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
MantaLady, I am so glad that you are reaching out. Please be kind to yourself right now. That's the most important thing. You have 479 days of sobriety and you will be back to it tomorrow. Don't let the negative feelings drag you down further. Please let us help to lift you up.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
I am now too pissed off and drunk to sleep now tatsy. People are total hypocrites f'ing sick of it...
I have provided 99.9 support to everyone, I make one post that is a bit contreversial and I am a recovery lepar....
Drunk, angry and for some reson can leave this. xx
I have provided 99.9 support to everyone, I make one post that is a bit contreversial and I am a recovery lepar....
Drunk, angry and for some reson can leave this. xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Manta, I’m sorry you drank.
But! It’s not the end of the world. You will get through this. As Tatsy said, drink some water and get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day that you can choose to stay sober, and you have fought so hard to get where you are and will do it again.
I don’t think you are mean. I think you are very eloquent, kind, and thoughtful. And that’s just what I got from your posts here. You deserve a life sober like any one of us, and this is just a setback. Make it a slip, not a full blown relapse.
We are all here for you. Tomorrow is probably going to suck, but just come here and tell us about it. Sending you virtual strength from the USA. <3
But! It’s not the end of the world. You will get through this. As Tatsy said, drink some water and get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day that you can choose to stay sober, and you have fought so hard to get where you are and will do it again.
I don’t think you are mean. I think you are very eloquent, kind, and thoughtful. And that’s just what I got from your posts here. You deserve a life sober like any one of us, and this is just a setback. Make it a slip, not a full blown relapse.
We are all here for you. Tomorrow is probably going to suck, but just come here and tell us about it. Sending you virtual strength from the USA. <3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
I'm a complete rookie here, but trust me, I read a lot of posts. And I've yet to read a sentence from you one could possibly consider mean. Mantalady, you're such a supportive and refreshing voice here. Come on, call it a faux pas and drink some water. I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 689
Mantalady - I don't know you but I do know achievement when I see it and nearly 480 days of sobriety is most definitely that. So sorry you drank but a single day out of 480 is just that. I hope that whatever combination of motivation, resolve and support propelled you to reach such a fantastic record in sobriety thus far will come to your rescue tomorrow and make this one day exactly that. Really hoping you wake up tomorrow and start fighting the good fight again.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Everyone thinks I am a butt hole, everthing I have said lately has been twisted to present a postion I never made. I am a nice person, I spent my life savings on rehab but I am treated like I am some kind of inconsiderate troll here. I have no friends or familly anymore, SR is it and when you hang me up as an example of of troll it hurts. I don't like it, it will always trigger me.
A little about me for those that chose to judge rather than ask:
Throughout my life I have allowed myself to be shutdown and bullied into not standing up for myself or what I believe. I have allowed angry people with a chip on their shoulder to hand me that chip and carry it for them. I have allowed people to force me to lie to those I care about for fear that if I didn’t lie I would loose everyone. I was so desperate to belong and be accepted I willingly took every chip that was thrown at me for years right from childhood, just so I could feel part of something, so I wasn’t alone. I was happy carrying other people’s baggage as that is what I was programmed to believe was normal and expected until the weight became too much to bear and I turned to drink as a way to deal with it all. I don’t think at the time I even knew this was the reason I was drinking but a spell in rehab and professional support uncovered just how much my past had fuelled my addiction.
I had so little confidence and belief in myself that allowed others to control me, tell me what I could and couldn’t say, how and when I should say it, put words into my mouth and then attack me for it.
So much so that I ended up in my 40’s and had no idea who I was or what I believed. I became a robot who could only function when someone else provided a programme for my hard drive. Everything about me and who I was was dictated to me by others expectations and egos. Expectations I could never live up to. When it all came crashing down for me I was left staring at a blank page, no doodles on it, no clues to who I was, no passions, no beliefs, no soul, no confidence, no self-love, no conviction, no trust. Nothing.
It was partly my fault absolutely. I never said no, I got so used to this way of being I sought out people who would fulfil that role of controller over me. That was on me, I set no boundaries, I had no faith in me, I thought I was nothing and deserved nothing. I became comfortable with the feeling that my opinion was worth nothing, I was comfortable being underestimated, I was comfortable with being misunderstood, not listened to, not heard, conditionally loved. That was my norm.
A little about me for those that chose to judge rather than ask:
Throughout my life I have allowed myself to be shutdown and bullied into not standing up for myself or what I believe. I have allowed angry people with a chip on their shoulder to hand me that chip and carry it for them. I have allowed people to force me to lie to those I care about for fear that if I didn’t lie I would loose everyone. I was so desperate to belong and be accepted I willingly took every chip that was thrown at me for years right from childhood, just so I could feel part of something, so I wasn’t alone. I was happy carrying other people’s baggage as that is what I was programmed to believe was normal and expected until the weight became too much to bear and I turned to drink as a way to deal with it all. I don’t think at the time I even knew this was the reason I was drinking but a spell in rehab and professional support uncovered just how much my past had fuelled my addiction.
I had so little confidence and belief in myself that allowed others to control me, tell me what I could and couldn’t say, how and when I should say it, put words into my mouth and then attack me for it.
So much so that I ended up in my 40’s and had no idea who I was or what I believed. I became a robot who could only function when someone else provided a programme for my hard drive. Everything about me and who I was was dictated to me by others expectations and egos. Expectations I could never live up to. When it all came crashing down for me I was left staring at a blank page, no doodles on it, no clues to who I was, no passions, no beliefs, no soul, no confidence, no self-love, no conviction, no trust. Nothing.
It was partly my fault absolutely. I never said no, I got so used to this way of being I sought out people who would fulfil that role of controller over me. That was on me, I set no boundaries, I had no faith in me, I thought I was nothing and deserved nothing. I became comfortable with the feeling that my opinion was worth nothing, I was comfortable being underestimated, I was comfortable with being misunderstood, not listened to, not heard, conditionally loved. That was my norm.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Manta- you done good posting
The strength of SR is not about carebears and hugs only, it is sharing when we do not want to- when the ugliness of booze, of how we feel about ourselves is so strong all we want to do is isolate. I understand the history you shared- as mine was similar. But you shared and that is important. Do not give in, keep going- you are not alone.
My prayers and support to you.
The strength of SR is not about carebears and hugs only, it is sharing when we do not want to- when the ugliness of booze, of how we feel about ourselves is so strong all we want to do is isolate. I understand the history you shared- as mine was similar. But you shared and that is important. Do not give in, keep going- you are not alone.
My prayers and support to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm sorry you drank Manta.
it took me along time after I got sober to deal with disagreements and dissent in a healthy way.
All my life I either accepted I was at fault or thought that others thought I was at fault - and that ate at me like the most corrosive acid.
I wanted to be liked and loved. I was a little kid again in those moments.
Eventually I realised that people can disagree with me and I would still be liked and loved, mostly. In cases where thats not true - I got over it or they did.
I was still the same person regardless, striving for self improvement, trying to do my best.
I know it's a tough time for you with the job thing and all, but it's those times - the times I'm tested - I have to knuckle under and redouble my efforts.
make this a blip - get back on the right road.
D
it took me along time after I got sober to deal with disagreements and dissent in a healthy way.
All my life I either accepted I was at fault or thought that others thought I was at fault - and that ate at me like the most corrosive acid.
I wanted to be liked and loved. I was a little kid again in those moments.
Eventually I realised that people can disagree with me and I would still be liked and loved, mostly. In cases where thats not true - I got over it or they did.
I was still the same person regardless, striving for self improvement, trying to do my best.
I know it's a tough time for you with the job thing and all, but it's those times - the times I'm tested - I have to knuckle under and redouble my efforts.
make this a blip - get back on the right road.
D
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,187
MantaLady, i'm sorry you drank but you have had a lot to deal with recently and our AV knows how to bide its time for the right moment. You're a smart girl, you'll getter another job and come back stronger after this hiccup. It reminds me of that old Chumbawamber song - I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never gonna keep me down...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
How weird. I just watched the animated movie "When The Wind Blows" for the first time the other day. Anyone see that? Scary AF.
Anyways, no. My roots have obviously proven to be shoddy, but I am here tonight, just tonight, with my feet planted firmly on the ground and my toes dug into the carpet. It's more of a fake plastic plant version of "roots" than it is the real deal, but I suppose it's better than nothing.
Happy Friday everyone.
Anyways, no. My roots have obviously proven to be shoddy, but I am here tonight, just tonight, with my feet planted firmly on the ground and my toes dug into the carpet. It's more of a fake plastic plant version of "roots" than it is the real deal, but I suppose it's better than nothing.
Happy Friday everyone.
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