In need of advice. Husband told about me & alcohol to friend
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you are sharing- and continuing to discuss. My thoughts-
When my mom was actively alcoholic in my teens, I HAD to have someone to confide in. My parents were very upset at me- tho their best friends and my Godparents were "in the loop." I still believe I needed an outside support. I'd try to look at it that way with your husband. My first reaction in your shoes would annoyance or even betrayal - but as we learn in AA, turning it back to our part [in any and everything] is where our attention is best put.
Others have said the excellent choice of a simple statement - OR perhaps use this as an opportunity to open up to someone who sounds like a good friend. The relationship you describe sounds like a solid and trustworthy one to me. I need non-alcoholic friends and recovery friends alike.
Agree on us needing to process what is legit shame and regret! Super hard - and a process.
I'll also throw in that you don't have to decide what to do or say TODAY! And, projecting what a future conversation will be can be completely wrong and self-torturing compared to what really happens.
Maybe chat with your husband about how you feel- hopefully some "ok" about this- in terms of sharing with other friends.
Take care of yourself - I'm grateful for the times I've been "prompted" to share with someone unexpectedly (after not letting it infuriate me when my mom told someone one time, of course
).
When my mom was actively alcoholic in my teens, I HAD to have someone to confide in. My parents were very upset at me- tho their best friends and my Godparents were "in the loop." I still believe I needed an outside support. I'd try to look at it that way with your husband. My first reaction in your shoes would annoyance or even betrayal - but as we learn in AA, turning it back to our part [in any and everything] is where our attention is best put.
Others have said the excellent choice of a simple statement - OR perhaps use this as an opportunity to open up to someone who sounds like a good friend. The relationship you describe sounds like a solid and trustworthy one to me. I need non-alcoholic friends and recovery friends alike.
Agree on us needing to process what is legit shame and regret! Super hard - and a process.
I'll also throw in that you don't have to decide what to do or say TODAY! And, projecting what a future conversation will be can be completely wrong and self-torturing compared to what really happens.
Maybe chat with your husband about how you feel- hopefully some "ok" about this- in terms of sharing with other friends.
Take care of yourself - I'm grateful for the times I've been "prompted" to share with someone unexpectedly (after not letting it infuriate me when my mom told someone one time, of course
).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi backandscared
Yeah it's hard when someone close to us breaks our secret and I'm sorry. It doesn't read like it was malicious tho - and loved ones and family need support too - outside of you, I'm not sure who else your husband has to confide in?
Like others have said - you still don't owe anyone an explanation.
You have a right to keep whatever you want to yourself.
You addicted self will probably do somersaults trying to convince you of all the scuttlebutt that will be thought and said about you...
but the odds are that your story is simply not that interesting (if you know what I mean
)
The reality is you're in recovery.
You've done something about your problem, and you should be proud of that, not ashamed
D
Yeah it's hard when someone close to us breaks our secret and I'm sorry. It doesn't read like it was malicious tho - and loved ones and family need support too - outside of you, I'm not sure who else your husband has to confide in?
Like others have said - you still don't owe anyone an explanation.
You have a right to keep whatever you want to yourself.
You addicted self will probably do somersaults trying to convince you of all the scuttlebutt that will be thought and said about you...
but the odds are that your story is simply not that interesting (if you know what I mean
)The reality is you're in recovery.
You've done something about your problem, and you should be proud of that, not ashamed
D
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
fini took the words right out of my mouth.
Your friend may well not have known that you had a problem - many people didn't realize that I was struggling either. Still, what a relief to be able to talk with your dear friend about this. She loves you; surely she is only sorry that you've been unable to share this with her.
I'd suggest giving her a call asap so that you can broach the conversation before you actually see her. I'll eat my hat if you're not relieved after having that conversation.
O
Your friend may well not have known that you had a problem - many people didn't realize that I was struggling either. Still, what a relief to be able to talk with your dear friend about this. She loves you; surely she is only sorry that you've been unable to share this with her.
I'd suggest giving her a call asap so that you can broach the conversation before you actually see her. I'll eat my hat if you're not relieved after having that conversation.
O
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
You are in the sunlight of sobriety! There is nothing to hide. Sobriety takes courage and strength, drinking takes none. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not drinking. Absolutely nothing. Did I say absolutely? Just wanted to make sure that I did. Not drinking never needs a justification. Drinking sometimes does.
Your husband loves you and wants to help support you. I am sure your friend feels the same. That is what true friendship is.
Your husband loves you and wants to help support you. I am sure your friend feels the same. That is what true friendship is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Hi Back and scared. My husband “betrayed” my confidence several times over. I actually ended up spending a lot of time on the friends and family forum and learned some valuable lessons there. The most salient being I stay on my side of the street and he stays on his.
I interpreted that to mean that even though I would prefer that he not share my info with people, he needed to process and understand my choices in his own way.
I was really angry with him at first but over time came to realize that he didn’t do anything wrong. Over time, I’ve also become more comfortable in my sobriety. I make more comments and statements about it now than I did in the early days.
I think you coming here here and asking this question is very insightful of you!
I interpreted that to mean that even though I would prefer that he not share my info with people, he needed to process and understand my choices in his own way.
I was really angry with him at first but over time came to realize that he didn’t do anything wrong. Over time, I’ve also become more comfortable in my sobriety. I make more comments and statements about it now than I did in the early days.
I think you coming here here and asking this question is very insightful of you!
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