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Do you ever regret breaking up with your partner because of alcohol?



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Do you ever regret breaking up with your partner because of alcohol?

Old 09-30-2019, 03:06 PM
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Do you ever regret breaking up with your partner because of alcohol?

I was recently dumped by my fiance so that he can continue drinking (and I was dumped cause I didnt want to ‘play along’ so to speak). Do you ever regret leaving your SO for alcohol and if you do, how do you deal with it, do you miss them, what goes through your mind and are there any attempts to get them back after awhile or get sober for them or any of those things!? I suppose I still hold onto the hope that he might return one day and say he was wrong and sorry! Am I deluding myself? I would appreciate your insight, as I truly want to understand. Thank you all
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Old 09-30-2019, 03:29 PM
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Hi Fionna,

I didn't have a breakup because of my drinking, but some people do. I think breakups are always hard to deal with.

I wonder if you have considered checking out AlAnon in your city as a support for you? I'm not sure you will be able to get the closure you are hoping for, and AlAnon might be helpful to you.
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Old 09-30-2019, 03:39 PM
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Just passed 5 years last week since my divorce. She left me because of my drinking instead of wanting to get me help. She grew up with an alcoholic step father, so she didn't want to be bothered with trying to save the family.

I didn't have a say in the matter, so I can only really say that I regret not being given a real chance to save my family. It still haunts my dreams (literally) and has been the lone trigger for the relapses I have had. So yeah, a lot of regrets and it's been the most difficult part of recovery to overcome, since I have to see her weekly. And I have to see her with her boyfriend when I drop my daughter off.

However, she's happy with her boyfriend she's had since the divorce. You aren't the alcoholic, so move on and be happy with someone who won't cause you heartache. Who won't put alcohol first. He knows he has a problem and he chose the alcohol over you.

Be thankful.
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Old 09-30-2019, 05:51 PM
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All my break ups were people leaving me, so I'm not sure I have any real experience to share

I regret the pain I caused for sure but looking back with the hindsight of 20-25 years my relationships then broke up for a lot of other reasons too - not just alcohol or drugs.

I'm sure that some couples do get back together when one of them enters recovery, but a lot don't - and I wouldn't like to give you false hope.....

What I can say is I wouldn't be with my current partner or living the current life I lead (which I love) without those breakups - and this relationship is the best of my life.

Maybe that's just around the corner for you too Fiona?

D
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Old 09-30-2019, 09:01 PM
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Thanks guys, and its hard to think that there is anyone new out there for me (@least not for now), as I considered this guy to be a love of my life (and apparently, I was his too). But now I wonder what of what he said was actually true- as he was real quick to turn his back on our relationship as soon as his drinking was somehow endangered!? After we were already about to get married (with the set date, invitations sent and everything)😞
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Old 09-30-2019, 09:07 PM
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@abgator thanks for sharing! It is sad to hear how anyone would not wish to save the marriage, especially if you were ready to give up drinking and work on your relationship!?

It was the opposite in my case- I was so eager to be there for him as a support, but he didnt ever wish to get help (he still thinks he doesnt need it), so instead, he got rid of me!? And I stood by him when literally no one else did!

Sad story
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Old 09-30-2019, 11:06 PM
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Hey sorry for the loss......or is it? Now you can focus on you. Do you now. The rest Will take carw of itself. ✌
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Old 10-01-2019, 03:58 AM
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe View Post
@abgator thanks for sharing! It is sad to hear how anyone would not wish to save the marriage, especially if you were ready to give up drinking and work on your relationship!?

It was the opposite in my case- I was so eager to be there for him as a support, but he didnt ever wish to get help (he still thinks he doesnt need it), so instead, he got rid of me!? And I stood by him when literally no one else did!

Sad story
We went to one marriage counseling session after she filed. She did say I had to quit drinking. The counselor asked me if there was anything about her I wanted her to work on. I said a couple things as well. She literally said she wouldn't change, there was nothing she needed to change, she wouldn't even consider working on those things. The counselor flat out said to not bother, it wouldn't work.

The tale of alcoholism has no shortage of sad stories, whichever side of the fence you were on.

Good luck to you.
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Old 10-01-2019, 04:00 AM
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So you are hoping he's as miserable as you are over the breakup? That's no way to go through life.

Bring happiness and joy into your life, then wonder if he's as happy as you are.
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Old 10-01-2019, 05:30 AM
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He broke up for whatever reason and you can do nothing but respect this decision. It does not matter if the cause is alcohol, another woman, falling out of love, discovering he is gay or he prefers trying time solo.

Your pain will not change. You must go through it. Some times there are new circumstances and new beginnings. Perhaps you will meet again in the future and make it work out. He has made a choice that does not involve you. Seek support for yourself if you need it, although I would say it is normal to suffer (a lot) if your fiancee breaks up with you. I would seek help if it becomes obsessive very quickly or if I continue grieving many months after.
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Old 10-01-2019, 06:02 AM
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@doggonecarl no, of course I dont want him to suffer! I am just puzzled by the whole thing, as he said I am love of his life too, and then very quickly changed his mind when it came down to choosing between me and drinking!? That is why I dont know what to think now, and trying to understand how easy it is to forget about the person while someone is in active addiction!??
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Old 10-01-2019, 06:49 AM
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I don't think alcohol was ever a cause of any of my breakups, but I suppose alcohol could have helped me do enough stupid things that would lead to a breakup. But the issue of alcohol itself never came up. I don't spend much time regretting break ups, which is odd because I do regret many other things about my past.

I think relationships at whatever level are just part of life where people and events swirl around us. In the process, we sometimes develop more permanent partnerships, some until we die, but I don't see the need for a script that says, this is what you must do, and this is how you should do it, and here is the desired outcome. Our whole life is a learning experience, and that's the good part about our lives.

Alcoholics in AA call this recovery. I call it personal growth, but neither of those may be an endpoint unless you stop the process and cling to something. Recovery and personal growth may just be part of the swirl, because in the process we expect changes in direction and to learn new things. And I think that's what we can get from our lives.

I may have just taught something about my own regrets of the past, and I think I need to meditate on this for awhile. See? It's happening right now as part of the swirl.
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