Today is a battle
 

I'm not going to drink. But today I really, really want to.

Ever since I stopped drinking it's as though I have been shedding layers of repressed emotional junk and for the most part it has been ok. I have welcomed it. I understand that there are things I have to face.

But this morning I woke up with unwelcome thoughts of my ex from over a year ago now. Thoughts of not being enough, thoughts of being cast aside. Thoughts of being dismissed.

It is not HIM that I miss or think about. That relationship simply represented every deep, dark button that could have been pushed in my psyche. And when I get stressed about anything in my life, my mind clings to that relationship. Like a scab that you can't help but pick at. I think about what I did wrong, how I could have been better. Then I get angry at myself for having allowed myself to stay with such a shallow, self absorbed person for years. I get angry at myself for basically abandoning myself in favor of him.

But none of that is the real issue. I have abandonment and emotional neglect issues from childhood that I never considered or addressed until now. My brain would like a bottle or two of wine more than anything else right now. I know it won't help anything. But just by writing it here I am hoping to give it less power.

I have been sick with a virus for the past two weeks so my exercise routine has gone by the wayside. That could be contributing to all of this right now too.

1. don't drink no matter what
2. take care of yourself, no matter what

as a sober person in your present you can and will deal with feelings, old and new. you do not have to figure it all out today.

get some rest. then get some more. get some good hot comfort food in your belly. chicken soup anyone? hot tea, hot cocoa? strive for health in all things.

I feel your pain on that. It's been 5 years since my ex divorced me because she'd rather leave me than tell me I needed help with my drinking. But we share a daughter and I'm forced to see her weekly. I still wake up from having dreams about her and it's depressing AF. Those days I feel terrible for the first couple/few hours of the day. Getting to the gym and sweating it out works for me. The annoying part is, like you, I don't think it's even her specifically that causes it. It's the loneliness, the rejection, even the jealousy that she's been happy for years with her new boyfriend and I'm still single.

We are our own worst enemy.

Ladybug, I have similar issues with abandonment and neglect, and it's really hard to deal with sometimes. If you think affirmations can help, Louise Hay has some great, uplifting words on her website.

I'm sorry you have all these emotions coming back, Ladybug.
I don't think I've ever heard what someone is going through emotionally so succinctly explained.

That aside, we can't change the past we have to abide by it and it's as much a part of us as our right arm. It's going to be there for a very long time so we may as well get used to it and use it to our advantage rather than a whole miasma to
subvert us.
I hope you don't dwell on it too much. There's nothing you can do to change it.
I've found psychic growth and spirituality helps me clean up the pain and wreckage of my past.

Please don't let it get you down or drink over it. Drinking would solve nothing and only make you feel worse tomorrow. I know the feeling of, 'I'll show you I'll get drunk'. It never worked out real well for me.
Wishing you the best and thinking of you.

Hi ladybug - sorry you're feeling down.

Dreinking won;t help that - it'll only make things workse oin the long run.

I really believe that by facing our demons we defeat them and we grow.

Its the only way to go :)

D

Feeling so much better today.

I ended up doing a bunch of meal prep for the week and drank tea and listened to podcasts while doing so. Then I made chocolate chip cookies (and ate them of course!). I'm not normally a sweet eater but somehow that really helped.

Onward and upward.

Way to go ladybug :)

D