kiki26

Today marks my one year anniversary of sobriety. I’ve wrestled with feeling proud, but also shameful of this anniversary. The shame slides in when I am feeling good and want to celebrate. It is there to remind me of my past, and how I chose alcohol over my family. But I also feel this intense power in myself, like it was actually in me all along, this power to get sober, and stay sober. The last year of my drinking, on nights when I had a moment before bed, where maybe I wasn’t quiet drunk enough to fall asleep without a thought entering my head. I would pray, tears streaming down my face, deep in my soul and body, pray for god to end this for me. Please have me not wake up, please I can’t keep doing this, please, please, please, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. I couldn’t even pray for sobriety, because I didn’t know what that meant. I only knew that alcohol took the pain away, it numbed every single part of me, and with all this pain living inside of me, how could I ever truly be sober. Sober I couldn’t imagine, but death I could. I couldn’t figure a way out of my pain, until I was faced with an even worse pain. It took rock bottom for me, to wake up and realize my children were gone, my husband was gone, and the gig was up. That horrible anxiety that you get when you need a drink, well that was amplified by about a thousand those first few days. I shook so badly that I couldn’t write. I heard voices talking in the fans, and music playing that wasn’t there. What the **** was I going to do? How was I going to live in this world without anesthesia? So I went to the last house on the block, I went to a women’s aa meeting. The love, compassion, and power I felt while there was so life changing for me. The message that I wasn’t alone was there, and that is exactly what I needed to hear from the universe. For my entire life, I’ve always felt alone, always felt different. I didn’t know why but it was always under the surface for me. And the drinking was such an amazing cure to that in the beginning. It gave me what I couldn’t ever find on my own, connections with others, a sense of belonging and purpose. I was funny, I laughed loudly, I talked to everyone, I was confident, and I was good enough. But even in the good times I was still there underneath my facade. And the real me wasn’t good enough. The saying rang true “wherever you go, there you are.” It followed me, through different groups of friends, different relationships, through marriage and children. And I could never shake that feeling of being not good enough, of being alone. I needed every single part of my life to break apart, so that I could begin this journey of sobriety. Putting down the drink was just the beginning. It forced me out into the light, I had to believe, I had to exist without anything covering me up. And that is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But in letting go, in becoming powerless, I realized I do have the power to change. One year, 365 days, it’s just been me. And I think that I am ok. I think that I am worthy to live in this world clean and sober. And not one night of these 365 days have I prayed to die, things aren’t perfect and I am a work in progress, but I am living in the present now. The shame does come, but it reminds me of where I was, and how I never want to go there again. I have learned to give myself grace and compassion, it’s hard when you have been at war with yourself for so long. But through this journey I am learning to love myself, keeping myself honest, and working damn hard to make sure I have tools in place to never go to that place again. And like everything there are highs and lows, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep making the next best choice. I am trying. I am evolving. I am sober.

Dee74

I know how hard you've fought kiki so I can only see triumph not shame.
I hope the strands of your life will come back together.,

Congrats!

D

least

Congrats on the first of many years!

MythOfSisyphus

Congrats on One Year!

OneDayOneHour

Powerful and beautiful, congratulations 😊

Callas

Very good and inspirational post. Thank you,

doggonecarl

Well done on a year!

I found year two to be the significant one for me, where the real changes took hold. I wrote about it here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ars-sober.html

But looking back, every year I'm sober brings positive change. Good luck to you!

PuckLuck

1 year is a huge accomplishment. HUGE. Congrats!

biminiblue

Congrats, kiki.

I know you fought hard for this and your post of Victory over alcohol and Reclaiming your life comes through loud and clear. Mostly the clear part.

Well done. I'm coming up on six years, it does in fact keep getting better if you want it to get better and make that happen!

KTB5000

That's so awesome kiki!

I am moved by your story and your thoughts on one year....

Best to you moving onward & upward on your Journey. You are an inspiration.



Kiki: What do you find helps you stay grounded and in the moment mostly?