Absolutely insanity
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Absolutely insanity
So, I am back in Italy and facing all the problems I left behind. One of which, well the biggest one, is the court case against my ex to defend my right to joint custody of the children.
He did not "win" the first round, the judge ordered a psychological evaluation of all of us. This consists of 2 interviews with the father, 2 with me, the mother, 2 as a couple and one with all four of us as a family. I have done my 2 and if I do say so myself I CRUSHED it. I was sober (for a long while), nicely dressed, perfect hair and make-up, calm, cool and collected. He has had his. We had our two as a couple as well where I think I did good. For all of these there was the judge ordered psychologist in the middle, then we each had our own psychologist as a witness and support.
But today we have the one with the kids and I am FREAKING out. I am terrified. Like panic attack all day long freaking out. I legitimately want to drink myself into oblivion but I know that is NOT an option.
We have to go in, it is all audio and video recorded with the judge ordered psychologist in the room. For 20 minutes it is all four of us, then 20 minutes just me and the kids and the 20 minutes just the father and the kids.
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him.
I am not allowed to speak in English even though this is the language I use with them all the time.
I am just terrified.
He did not "win" the first round, the judge ordered a psychological evaluation of all of us. This consists of 2 interviews with the father, 2 with me, the mother, 2 as a couple and one with all four of us as a family. I have done my 2 and if I do say so myself I CRUSHED it. I was sober (for a long while), nicely dressed, perfect hair and make-up, calm, cool and collected. He has had his. We had our two as a couple as well where I think I did good. For all of these there was the judge ordered psychologist in the middle, then we each had our own psychologist as a witness and support.
But today we have the one with the kids and I am FREAKING out. I am terrified. Like panic attack all day long freaking out. I legitimately want to drink myself into oblivion but I know that is NOT an option.
We have to go in, it is all audio and video recorded with the judge ordered psychologist in the room. For 20 minutes it is all four of us, then 20 minutes just me and the kids and the 20 minutes just the father and the kids.
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him.
I am not allowed to speak in English even though this is the language I use with them all the time.
I am just terrified.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
Rooting for you and yes, stay sober—you deserve nothing less. You are still their parent and even if they go more to the father it doesn’t seem like they would just take away custody because they are more accustomed to one parent over the other. Obviously I don’t know Italian courts but that’s how it seems to me. Your only goal should be to show the person you are without the noise of drinking, the pure loving Mera who is a caring mom and kind human. I’m not religious but I do find it helps to pray (to whatever or whomever) for the guidance to just do whatever it is needs to be done, without ego, without having a preordained result in mind. I pray for humility and to be moved away from self-seeking. Sometimes it helps me in my most challenging moments.
You can do hard things. Sober. Much love to you.
You can do hard things. Sober. Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Mera, breathe.
I rememyreading when you were in the states and you were TERRIFIED of your solo interviews. You didn’t know what to wear. You were barely sober and extremely anxious about it. AND YOU CRUSHED IT (in your own words).
You’ve got this. Be relaxed and loving, I know you can. Be your sober self today. You’ll be great.
P.S. don’t drink. That’s your alkie “you can’t have anything nice/go well” voice. Alkie mera wants everything to go to **** so she can drink. Feel free to slap alkie mera. (Figuratively, of course)
I rememyreading when you were in the states and you were TERRIFIED of your solo interviews. You didn’t know what to wear. You were barely sober and extremely anxious about it. AND YOU CRUSHED IT (in your own words).
You’ve got this. Be relaxed and loving, I know you can. Be your sober self today. You’ll be great.
P.S. don’t drink. That’s your alkie “you can’t have anything nice/go well” voice. Alkie mera wants everything to go to **** so she can drink. Feel free to slap alkie mera. (Figuratively, of course)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
....
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him...
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him...
Let them come to you if they want to.
Do NOT "chase" them. Do not look desperate, to your children or the psychologist.
Be there for them, but do NOT force it. Be relaxed and natural no matter what.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Ok, I made it. Clean and sober and I did my best. It did not go as well as I had hoped, but it did go as I expected.....
The first 20 minutes there was myself, my children's father and my two boys. The psychologist introduced the session by saying "as you know your parents are separated, when this happens the judge wants to know how good of parents they are and how you two are doing. Because he is a very busy man he sent me to come and observe you to check on things."
This is something I find entirely inappropriate for two kids of 11 and 10 years old, I find insulting that she automatically refers to the judge as a man (I mean females are judges too, right?) and it is just plain weird and scary for everyone. But whatever. We start.
First up is 20 minutes of all four of us in the room. There are barely any toys but the kids find what they can and basically the entire 20 minutes both myself and their father watched them play. It was just too awkward to intervene or try to fake play with them. I occasionally made a comment here and there, but really not much happened.
She then had the father leave the room. Thank you Jesus that my younger son found a set of UNO cards and asked me to play. I played with just the right amount of enthusiasm for the circumstances. He won. We hugged, it was great.
Then the psychologist called for a switch, for the father to come in and I leave. I excused myself, said I was going to the toilet and he came in. I sat right outside the door and heard everything. He was PERFECT. He included both kids, asked about school, was charming and nice, the kids laughed and were happy.
I was in a panic.
She then called me back in for 20 more minutes of play and we continued the card game. There were two separate occasions in which my older son put his head in his father's lap for a snuggle. Not one of my children snuggled with me (despite the fact they do that regularly at home).
I feel like I really failed this test.
But I know drinking won't help, I do know that.
The first 20 minutes there was myself, my children's father and my two boys. The psychologist introduced the session by saying "as you know your parents are separated, when this happens the judge wants to know how good of parents they are and how you two are doing. Because he is a very busy man he sent me to come and observe you to check on things."
This is something I find entirely inappropriate for two kids of 11 and 10 years old, I find insulting that she automatically refers to the judge as a man (I mean females are judges too, right?) and it is just plain weird and scary for everyone. But whatever. We start.
First up is 20 minutes of all four of us in the room. There are barely any toys but the kids find what they can and basically the entire 20 minutes both myself and their father watched them play. It was just too awkward to intervene or try to fake play with them. I occasionally made a comment here and there, but really not much happened.
She then had the father leave the room. Thank you Jesus that my younger son found a set of UNO cards and asked me to play. I played with just the right amount of enthusiasm for the circumstances. He won. We hugged, it was great.
Then the psychologist called for a switch, for the father to come in and I leave. I excused myself, said I was going to the toilet and he came in. I sat right outside the door and heard everything. He was PERFECT. He included both kids, asked about school, was charming and nice, the kids laughed and were happy.
I was in a panic.
She then called me back in for 20 more minutes of play and we continued the card game. There were two separate occasions in which my older son put his head in his father's lap for a snuggle. Not one of my children snuggled with me (despite the fact they do that regularly at home).
I feel like I really failed this test.
But I know drinking won't help, I do know that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Mera, you let the kids come to you it sounds like. I know it's painful but it's okay. You done good.
I've been through all this you're going through, from the dad side. Everyone knows kids need their moms just as much as their dads, some people think a lot more actually. There may be other factors here, but the judge won't give custody to Mr. Perfect simply because the boys appear in an evaluation session to get along with their dad. I can't imagine it's much different in Italia than it is here.
All bets are off if you start drinking again, though.
I've been through all this you're going through, from the dad side. Everyone knows kids need their moms just as much as their dads, some people think a lot more actually. There may be other factors here, but the judge won't give custody to Mr. Perfect simply because the boys appear in an evaluation session to get along with their dad. I can't imagine it's much different in Italia than it is here.
All bets are off if you start drinking again, though.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,060
Well done Mera. You have done your very best and that is all you can ask of yourself.
None of us can second guess the outcome but children need both parents unless there is a very good reason not.
Now is the time to stay strong and vigilant. No reward or de-stress for the difficult day etc. You know how it goes..
Thinking of you.
None of us can second guess the outcome but children need both parents unless there is a very good reason not.
Now is the time to stay strong and vigilant. No reward or de-stress for the difficult day etc. You know how it goes..
Thinking of you.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
It sounds like it went well. If the children have been with your ex the majority of the time recently it’s understandable they were more demonstrative with their affection towards him in an unfamiliar situation . I’m sure it hurts but try not to let it bother you. You’ve said they are cuddly at home and that’s all that matters. Judges are aware of the implications and I’m sure everything is taken into account. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Honestly Mera, you sound like you did just fine. Sometimes kids are snugglier with the other parent, that's totally normal whether in a weird situation like the one you were in or just sitting at home!
You are being far too hard on yourself (as you do : ). You actually seem like a really good-hearted person, I hope you realize that.
You are being far too hard on yourself (as you do : ). You actually seem like a really good-hearted person, I hope you realize that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Mera
My gosh, what a tribulation. I have absolutely no experience with anything like this so I won't try to relate because I can't.
I can relate tho to being a loving, caring Mom and my heart aches for how much stress and pain this must be causing you.
I know for me, when the situation is so difficult, and so much is out of my control, that I can only do my best. And that the path to improvement will only remain open to me if I stay sober. Like, that's the ONLY option.
Even if the absolute worst happens, you are their mother. And I'm sure, over time and with total abstinence, you will be back with your kids in a manner that is best for them.
Hang in there.
My gosh, what a tribulation. I have absolutely no experience with anything like this so I won't try to relate because I can't.
I can relate tho to being a loving, caring Mom and my heart aches for how much stress and pain this must be causing you.
I know for me, when the situation is so difficult, and so much is out of my control, that I can only do my best. And that the path to improvement will only remain open to me if I stay sober. Like, that's the ONLY option.
Even if the absolute worst happens, you are their mother. And I'm sure, over time and with total abstinence, you will be back with your kids in a manner that is best for them.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Mera,
You showed up sober.
You showed up real
You showed up composed.
Did I mention you were sober?
You did your best. These people know your past, there’s legal history yes? So you just showed the court that you have come a super long way. You’re getting your life on track and you can be the mother to your kids.
It probably would have looked really weird to them if you’d gotten all super lovey with them today. You did good, you let your kids dictate the situation. Like a good parent in this scenario should.
You showed up sober.
You showed up real
You showed up composed.
Did I mention you were sober?
You did your best. These people know your past, there’s legal history yes? So you just showed the court that you have come a super long way. You’re getting your life on track and you can be the mother to your kids.
It probably would have looked really weird to them if you’d gotten all super lovey with them today. You did good, you let your kids dictate the situation. Like a good parent in this scenario should.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
So, I am back in Italy and facing all the problems I left behind. One of which, well the biggest one, is the court case against my ex to defend my right to joint custody of the children.
He did not "win" the first round, the judge ordered a psychological evaluation of all of us. This consists of 2 interviews with the father, 2 with me, the mother, 2 as a couple and one with all four of us as a family. I have done my 2 and if I do say so myself I CRUSHED it. I was sober (for a long while), nicely dressed, perfect hair and make-up, calm, cool and collected. He has had his. We had our two as a couple as well where I think I did good. For all of these there was the judge ordered psychologist in the middle, then we each had our own psychologist as a witness and support.
But today we have the one with the kids and I am FREAKING out. I am terrified. Like panic attack all day long freaking out. I legitimately want to drink myself into oblivion but I know that is NOT an option.
We have to go in, it is all audio and video recorded with the judge ordered psychologist in the room. For 20 minutes it is all four of us, then 20 minutes just me and the kids and the 20 minutes just the father and the kids.
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him.
I am not allowed to speak in English even though this is the language I use with them all the time.
I am just terrified.
He did not "win" the first round, the judge ordered a psychological evaluation of all of us. This consists of 2 interviews with the father, 2 with me, the mother, 2 as a couple and one with all four of us as a family. I have done my 2 and if I do say so myself I CRUSHED it. I was sober (for a long while), nicely dressed, perfect hair and make-up, calm, cool and collected. He has had his. We had our two as a couple as well where I think I did good. For all of these there was the judge ordered psychologist in the middle, then we each had our own psychologist as a witness and support.
But today we have the one with the kids and I am FREAKING out. I am terrified. Like panic attack all day long freaking out. I legitimately want to drink myself into oblivion but I know that is NOT an option.
We have to go in, it is all audio and video recorded with the judge ordered psychologist in the room. For 20 minutes it is all four of us, then 20 minutes just me and the kids and the 20 minutes just the father and the kids.
I just know they are going to go to him as they are used to being with him.
I am not allowed to speak in English even though this is the language I use with them all the time.
I am just terrified.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
Mera, it sounds like you did well. You weren’t pushy with your kids you let them independently ask for you. You played well with them and they wanted you to play with them.
I also find it great that both parents are good caretakers. With all the abuse that goes on I’m glad your boys are safe.
Ive been following your story for a long time now and have been rooting for you. I’m hoping you get custody rights you so deserve. Keep sober and I have faith this will work out for everyone especially your sweet boys.
I also find it great that both parents are good caretakers. With all the abuse that goes on I’m glad your boys are safe.
Ive been following your story for a long time now and have been rooting for you. I’m hoping you get custody rights you so deserve. Keep sober and I have faith this will work out for everyone especially your sweet boys.
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