Hopefully My Bottom Has Finally Caught Up with Me
 

Hey everyone, brand new user here. I just joined today.

In my 14th year of active alcoholism I have never in my life drank like I have drank this year. I recently turned 35 and new health issues I have never dealt with have me scared. I always thought I was invincible, but obviously that's not the case.

Last year I had 7 months of sobriety and I never looked or felt better. I pretty much changed every. My diet was extremely healthy (almost to the point of crazy), I exercised daily, I was re-engaged spiritually. I started a new life across the country in a safe environment, but on a whim decided to return home to my family, which turned out to be a huge mistake.

I remained sober for almost 2 months upon returning home when that old voice went off in my head thinking I could drink in moderation. And how bored I was... Next thing I knew I was straight down the rabbit hole again. Big time. Since then I have failed to find employment, blew all of my savings, hospitalized for depression and racked up medical bills I simply cannot pay.

I've always been relatively good with finances, but I'm in a real mess now.

I've always been a straight vodka binger, but this year I have been buying handles instead of fifths and just drinking at any time of the day or night. 3 am, 6 am, 10 am... didn't matter. Sip out of the bottle every 15 mins or so to just maintain. Spending any money I could get on bottles instead of paying bills. Selling my dream guitars, pawning whatever else I could. And drinking every single one of the friends I made while sober last year away... Depressing.

In July I started having extremely painful neuropathy in my legs. Stabbing, burning, numbness in my feet (especially toes). Also pain under my left rib cage which is very painful to the touch. Face is bloated... I don't even look like myself anymore. Crazy insomina and when I do fall asleep I wake up in a pool of sweat.

Even with all that, I still want to escape. Because escape has always been my drug of choice. Alcohol was just always the easiest way of finding it.

Today is day 1 and I'm already freaked out. I want a life and I realize if I don't quit I'm not going to make it... I could hardly stand up last night because my legs and feet were hurting so bad.

Thanks for all the support here.

Appreciate it!

Welcome to SR, PuckLuck. There is definitely a lot of support here.

You've made a sober life for yourself in the not too distant past, I'm sure you can do it again. See you around!!

Welcome PuckLuck. You are in very much the same place as me 3 years ago. Drinking vodka all day, every day. Stints of sobriety, trying to moderate then right back to the vodka first thing in the morning. But the alcohol dependence gets progressively worse along with the associated alcohol withdrawal. And the physical effects you mention. Not only looking & feeling awful & the shaky hands but the the liver damage! We can’t control our drinking so moderation is off the table. We can live a better life without drinking as you have experienced. My plan was much like yours. Daily exercise was critical. First thing in the morning. Practicing daily gratitude & positive thinking, adjusting & resetting to the inevitable down times in a positive & productive manner. I am currently one year, 2 months sober after 30 years of drinking & multiple relapses. This site saved my life with what I have learned & the encouragement I’ve received. Alcoholism is a terrible illness. Good luck on your journey.

Congrats on your sobriety. It is terrible.

What's hard for me is realizing or coming to grips with the fact I lost pretty much everything now...to a bottle of liquid. Then I look at where I'm at now and I just feel completely lost. And I don't want to think about it or feel it, so I drink. Guess I need to work on my acceptance and letting it go.

Today is the first time in 2 weeks I actually got my you know what together, took a shower and cleaned myself up.

Puck,
Welcome aboard! Fellow vodka binger here - it was great until it wasn’t. At the end of my drinking career I started to have gout attacks on a regular basis. Now, two years later, my gout is gone.
One thing to think about regarding neuropathy is your age: if you have such problems now at 35, there will be hell to pay 20 years from now. The mere thought of being tied to a wheelchair should be enough to strengthen your resolve.
It is awesome that you are starting to get your s#&t together! What is your short term plan to stay sober?

Get medical help if you need it, this is a deep hole you have to get out of now.

Dear Puck - We’ve all been through some version of what you’re going through right now. I’m 56 and went through 25 years of my Vodka love affair before giving it up for good on May 25 of this year. Like others, I’d have several failed attempts before this. Most of us do lots of reading and researching that leads up to our quitting for good. For me there were a couple things that stood out most. 1. Was all the reading on what life is like after you do too much damage to your liver. Google Alcoholic Hepatitis for lots of motivation on where you DON’T want to end up. 2. Oddly enough, I found inspiration in a YouTube by Craig Ferguson regarding his struggle through Alcoholism. I don’t know why, but it really helped me. Maybe I saw in him, a guy that was pretty darned cool AND didn’t drink. So I figured I could be that way too! Hope this helps a bit.

Oh

Welcome to the family! :) I hope our support and collective wisdom can help you get sober for good. :hug:

Thanks for all the replies from everyone.

I'm not worried about a medical detox. I've never needed one my entire drinking career. No seizures, DTs or anything like that.

I feel fine today. Been going out for walks and staying busy cleaning, getting organized and drinking A LOT of water while eating fruits and veggies.

My plan is what got me 7 months the last time around.

Staying busy. I need to find a job asap. A healthy diet (I became a strict pescatarian when I got sober last time and I swear by it), a positive attitude, daily exercise (love walking my dog), lots of research/reading and re-engaging in my spiritual walk.

And of course reaching out to others when I need to. I plan on interacting here on a daily basis. I'm trying to take it day by day and try not to get ahead of myself. That's a mistake I've made many times before in the past.

Glad I found these forums.

Thank you my friend.

Welcome PuckLuck!
This is a GREAT place and full of support.

Thanks!

Welcome and congratulations on your first day.

Natom

Thanks, it was actually a really good day. Here's to Day 2. So far, so good. Woke up early this morning (sleep sucked, but that's expected), had a nice breakfast and now I'm continuing to organize my room.

Last night I turned on a movie and had a bowl of popcorn. Can't remember the last time I actually did that.