1st of many situations
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
1st of many situations
I was with hubby last night at his sports club and after the club members asked if we were coming to the bar, hubby looked at me and I just said very kind of you but we need to get home to the dogs, afterwards I said to hubby next time that happens don’t look at me just decline because my answer will be no, it’s way too early to put myself in a situation like that, before I would’ve gone along and I probably would have cracked 👍
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
afterwards I said to hubby next time that happens don’t look at me just decline because my answer will be no, it’s way too early to put myself in a situation like that, before I would’ve gone along and I probably would have cracked ��
I'm really glad and proud of you that you said no but if you're going to rely just on willpower you're kinda like a blindfolded tightrope walker...its more luck than skill
I don't say that to be harsh or to downplay you saying no this evening, but y'know willpower only got me so far.
I had to really be brutal with the social invites I accepted for a while.
If you're going to continue to put yourself around drinkers thats your call but
I really hope you decide to add more things to your sober network like AA or some other support, or an action plan ?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
Well it was a night dive and the kids wanted to watch their dad do the dive, I hardly ever go, once in a blue moon but YES Dee I get what you’re saying it’s too risky for me as I can crack in seconds rather than think first I act first and think after when it’s too late, but hubby has been great 👍
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Mummy....I'm glad you are here but I have to be blunt: you aren't truly focusing on sobriety first.
I'm sorry you went to the bar in the first place - no reason was good enough.
Keeping busy and all this focus on the kids won't keep you sober, and you keep proving that to yourself.
I hope you get the gist of my post - I want you to succeed but YOU have to choose the things that will take you further from a drink not closer to one. Bluntly, opportunities to socialize will be plenty in the future, and the best way to be able to do things for and with your kids long term is to focus on being sober NOW. First.
And, what Dee said.
Good luck.
I'm sorry you went to the bar in the first place - no reason was good enough.
Keeping busy and all this focus on the kids won't keep you sober, and you keep proving that to yourself.
I hope you get the gist of my post - I want you to succeed but YOU have to choose the things that will take you further from a drink not closer to one. Bluntly, opportunities to socialize will be plenty in the future, and the best way to be able to do things for and with your kids long term is to focus on being sober NOW. First.
And, what Dee said.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Agree whole-heartedly w August and Dee. This situation might make sense many months from now and even then, based on how you explained how you felt and you're choices to drink again in the past, maybe not.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
If your husband knows how you feel about booze and if he’s been great, that’s excellent. He’ll know for next time.
My wife’s never drank which makes it easier although she doesn’t understand the addiction thing. For others trying to quit whilst their partner drinks on, that’s a very tough situation which would probably see me relapsing.
My wife’s never drank which makes it easier although she doesn’t understand the addiction thing. For others trying to quit whilst their partner drinks on, that’s a very tough situation which would probably see me relapsing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Good for you for recognizing a potential bad situation. I personally was always a get dressed up and hit a club kinda girl, I never did the grab a drink thing, plus even as an alcoholic, I was always mindful of not drinking because I had to drive. Dh doesn't mind grabbing a beer here and there and certainly Fridays have become a gathering at the local pub, which while very nice people own it, it's a dive. I went once to pick up take out and recently teased a gf mercilessly for going in there with her husband for a drink. Regardless alot of the local farm boys grab a beer. So dh when he goes grabs a ride with someone. My kids are old enough to stay alone 10 minutes while I run into town to pick him up if he needs it. The man gets up at 3am, one or two beers is it, but he wants to socialize with friends.
Early on we discussed what would happen and made the deal, neither gets mad if the other declines. If he wants to go, he goes, if I want to leave somewhere, I leave. I never wanted my not drinking to be an issue for him. I right from the beginning was ok in social situations where there was alcohol, but I still had escape plans. Right down to what I would drink instead, that I would eat like a glutton because I could never drink after eating.
For me that was my reality. Everyone is different, but you do need to have plans in place.
Early on we discussed what would happen and made the deal, neither gets mad if the other declines. If he wants to go, he goes, if I want to leave somewhere, I leave. I never wanted my not drinking to be an issue for him. I right from the beginning was ok in social situations where there was alcohol, but I still had escape plans. Right down to what I would drink instead, that I would eat like a glutton because I could never drink after eating.
For me that was my reality. Everyone is different, but you do need to have plans in place.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 125
Great job! I think it can be hard to impress upon those closest to us how important our sobriety is - and that we really mean it - in the early days, but it's good you let him know that, from now on, the default to bar invites is no.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
A good thing for you would be to avoid the environments where these kinds of things are bound to happen. It's hard for a lot of drinkers to understand how fragile early recovery is. If there ever was a time in my life, where taking charge was closer to a life or death situation than ever before, it was when I got serious about abstinence. It was odd to experience the need to coddle myself like a baby, while at the same time taking charge of a situation. I had to be an adult, but I also had to accept that I was vulnerable and potentially helpless. And while you wrestle with those extremes, the rest of your life is at stake. It's like a trip into the emotional unknown. But that's where you are, and that's how you have to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by DriGuy 
If there ever was a time in my life, where taking charge was closer to a life or death situation than ever before, it was when I got serious about abstinence.
Sorry, gloomy posts from me this week 😀
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
Unfortunately you never know when these situations will come about, a bit like the AV but you need to be ready, booze is everywhere and people talk about it lots, short of not actually going to bars sometimes you can’t avoid it, I’m not psychic so I didn’t know that’s what these people were going to do afterwards 👍
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Hodd
Bingo. It doesn’t get mentioned a great deal here, maybe it’s implied, but this really is a matter of life or death. We’re all going to shuffle off this mortal coil one day, but let’s let nature take its course and not accelerate the inevitable by drinking, We can’t control our genes, but we do have the power to cross alcohol off the list of things finishing us off.
Sorry, gloomy posts from me this week ��
This is life and death and choices are the bottom line. Always.
Some of you may find examples I give of my choices along the way to be extreme, but to me, I finally got the reality of my alcoholism. And I started acting accordingly.
So when I say choices always matter, and I could tell you an example like leaving a dinner party when I realized there was wine in an app because I hit a boundary I didn't know I had, or not going to a wedding til 19 mo sober, or only spending time with my parents for the first 90 days sober....I don't think any of that is extreme.
Today is 1310 days sober and finishing that way is contingent on my good choices.
And it is the best, loveliest, most real and gratitude filled life I can imagine. In case that sounds stupidly Pollyanna, I've shared plenty about how I've dealt with a LOT of curveballs and ups and downs here at 3 yr 7 mo exactly.
$0.02+
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think it was kind of him to look at you for your decision.
People who aren't addicted to alcohol don't understand why we don't want to sit at a bar. They don't understand that we can't just, "Have one." The whole thing is confusing to them.
Add to this the fact you've said, "I quit," numerous times on this site and I'm guessing you've told your husband the same thing many times - I mean, how would he possibly know how to handle all this?
The bottom line is you didn't drink, well done.
You're right, this stuff is going to continue to come up, keep making the right choices for your sobriety. There are going to be many more of these decisions, you can handle them, so can he. He's not a mind-reader, though!
People who aren't addicted to alcohol don't understand why we don't want to sit at a bar. They don't understand that we can't just, "Have one." The whole thing is confusing to them.
Add to this the fact you've said, "I quit," numerous times on this site and I'm guessing you've told your husband the same thing many times - I mean, how would he possibly know how to handle all this?
The bottom line is you didn't drink, well done.
You're right, this stuff is going to continue to come up, keep making the right choices for your sobriety. There are going to be many more of these decisions, you can handle them, so can he. He's not a mind-reader, though!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
