Telling A Date You're Sober
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i find the idea of "if it comes up" a bit strange, seeing as the meeting place is a bar.
if it were a restaurant, eating would come up, no?
if it were me, i'd suggest a different place. not because i couldn't "handle" being in a bar, but because i don't enjoy the invariably noisy few who will have had too much and dominate the place with loudness.
and, to be honest about myself, i'd want to test the waters and see how important going to a bar (which i would assume would be in order to have a drink or five) is to this person. something i'd want to know before i invest an evening of my time.
if it were a restaurant, eating would come up, no?
if it were me, i'd suggest a different place. not because i couldn't "handle" being in a bar, but because i don't enjoy the invariably noisy few who will have had too much and dominate the place with loudness.
and, to be honest about myself, i'd want to test the waters and see how important going to a bar (which i would assume would be in order to have a drink or five) is to this person. something i'd want to know before i invest an evening of my time.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,937
I must be mixing with the wrong (or maybe the right) crowd. Many people I know drink very occasionally and will make a glass of wine last all evening. They’d find it odd to be asked to share a whole bottle with one other person. That’d be too much alcohol for them to handle.
I would turn this around and say it’s unreasonable for a date to suggest sharing a bottle. That date has an alcohol problem too.
I would turn this around and say it’s unreasonable for a date to suggest sharing a bottle. That date has an alcohol problem too.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
FWIW, a bottle of wine is 25.4 oz. A glass is 5 oz, so each person has two and a half glasses. I have plenty of normie friends who do this occasionally without ill effects, so if someone wants to split a bottle of wine with a nice dinner, that in itself wouldn't concern me.
Most importantly, are you at a point in your sobriety where you wouldn't be triggered to drink if you meet at a bar? That should be your first and foremost concern. Thirteen months is still relatively recent. I was fine to be at a bar at 13 months, but NOT at 6. Everyone is different, that's too soon for a lot of people, and for some the answer is NEVER, they'd never be comfortable. It's all good, for anyone here sobriety is your #1 concern. Even if you think you're OK, please have an escape plan in case you're triggered to drink.
For me, by the time we got to a dinner date, I would have already told them that I'm in recovery or that I don't drink. If we sat down, I'd just ask if they have a good mocktail, or anything NA, and if asked, say that I don't drink anymore. If they ask why, I usually say that I no longer like alcohol. If they ask more questions and they ask why I say I'm in recovery, and if they ask for details, I'm completely honest. If someone has a problem with dating a sober person for whatever reason, I'd rather find that out up front.
I agree that noisy bars, especially when sober, are a crappy place to get to know someone. If I were to go to a bar, it would be a quiet place where we could talk.
Most importantly, are you at a point in your sobriety where you wouldn't be triggered to drink if you meet at a bar? That should be your first and foremost concern. Thirteen months is still relatively recent. I was fine to be at a bar at 13 months, but NOT at 6. Everyone is different, that's too soon for a lot of people, and for some the answer is NEVER, they'd never be comfortable. It's all good, for anyone here sobriety is your #1 concern. Even if you think you're OK, please have an escape plan in case you're triggered to drink.
For me, by the time we got to a dinner date, I would have already told them that I'm in recovery or that I don't drink. If we sat down, I'd just ask if they have a good mocktail, or anything NA, and if asked, say that I don't drink anymore. If they ask why, I usually say that I no longer like alcohol. If they ask more questions and they ask why I say I'm in recovery, and if they ask for details, I'm completely honest. If someone has a problem with dating a sober person for whatever reason, I'd rather find that out up front.
I agree that noisy bars, especially when sober, are a crappy place to get to know someone. If I were to go to a bar, it would be a quiet place where we could talk.
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