Sick of myself
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Sober369 
...I am so grateful not to have to drink....
It just feels that way inside when you're working up to that first drink.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by snitch
I surrender on a daily basis. I am an alcoholic. I dont know why I am. I dont know if I was born this way or if I became one either over time or because of some trauma I suffered.
Originally Posted by snitch
I don't know and it doesnt really matter now because I am. That is my reality. That is my truth. For me, I cannot ever have 1 drink. Or even 2.
Originally Posted by snitch
Once I put alcohol in my body I set off a craving, an allergy if you like. And I cannot STOP drinking.
Originally Posted by snitch
I have no idea where alcohol will take me and even if I drink at home alone, what alcohol does to me mentally and physically is just not worth it.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I've read that after the first drink, that dark craving that sets that is more demanding than the one before the first drink is a result of the difference in the way an alcoholic's body chemistry metabolizes alcohol in his system. The alcoholic's metabolizing process creates a specific byproduct. I can't remember the name of the stuff. It wasn't described as a poison, although it would be something like that, but it's a byproduct that isn't produced by the normie metabolism. It creates an intense jittery discomfort that I called the dark craving. If I remember correctly, the next drink takes care of it briefly, but as the body metabolizes the second or third drink, more of this nasty byproduct is produced. Eventually, we just go to sleep or pass out, as the metabolizing finishes the entire job, and we wake up with our usual hangover.
I was visiting an elderly aunt one time, and we went out for dinner where we both had a couple of drinks, but since she was a restrained woman, I cut my drinking short out of respect. The drive home was terrible. I was annoyed and on edge, upset by little noises, and shaky feeling. I felt like I wanted to push her out of the car and just go find a bar. I had the feeling I was hanging onto control by a thread. I managed until we got home. I can't remember if I sneaked out for a bottle, but I was ashamed at my emotions. I don't think she picked any of this up, however.
I was visiting an elderly aunt one time, and we went out for dinner where we both had a couple of drinks, but since she was a restrained woman, I cut my drinking short out of respect. The drive home was terrible. I was annoyed and on edge, upset by little noises, and shaky feeling. I felt like I wanted to push her out of the car and just go find a bar. I had the feeling I was hanging onto control by a thread. I managed until we got home. I can't remember if I sneaked out for a bottle, but I was ashamed at my emotions. I don't think she picked any of this up, however.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: London
Posts: 259
Alcohol has caused every problem I've ever had. Its evil. I am glad to be called 'not normal' if thats what it takes.
I am 7 days sober today. I relapsed after 1 year thinking I could be "normal" and ended up asleep in an alleyway and then with police waking me up on a park bench at 9am because I thought I was normal to stay up all night and shoyt obscenitys at people in the street. It all started with ONE beer. I am NOT normal when I drink. But according to my wife, mother and my daughter I am the loveliest bloke In the world and have a good heart. NOT when I drink. I'm a completely different character that lurks beneath just waiting for that poison. I know I cant drink. It will DESTROY my life and I'll end up dead. Stat sober my friend. I'm right there with ya!
I am 7 days sober today. I relapsed after 1 year thinking I could be "normal" and ended up asleep in an alleyway and then with police waking me up on a park bench at 9am because I thought I was normal to stay up all night and shoyt obscenitys at people in the street. It all started with ONE beer. I am NOT normal when I drink. But according to my wife, mother and my daughter I am the loveliest bloke In the world and have a good heart. NOT when I drink. I'm a completely different character that lurks beneath just waiting for that poison. I know I cant drink. It will DESTROY my life and I'll end up dead. Stat sober my friend. I'm right there with ya!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by snitch
By normal, I guess you mean a "normal" drinker. I am not really sure what "normal" (and i am putting the word normal in inverted commas because to be honest I dont really know what normal is when it comes to drinking alcohol) drinkers do but I would assume they dont come onto a site like SoberRecovery for help. And all my friends drank, quite heavily too, but as far as I know I was the only one with a shelf full of recovery books on how to quit drinking alcohol.
for me personally I had to be completely broken to admit that I was an alcoholic and that alcohol had me beat. And even now, 16 months later, that voice sometimes whispers to me, "go on, you will be able to handle one drink now". But I surrender on a daily basis. I am an alcoholic. I dont know why I am. I dont know if I was born this way or if I became one either over time or because of some trauma I suffered. I don't know and it doesnt really matter now because I am. That is my reality. That is my truth. For me, I cannot ever have 1 drink. Or even 2. Once I put alcohol in my body I set off a craving, an allergy if you like. And I cannot STOP drinking. I have no idea where alcohol will take me and even if I drink at home alone, what alcohol does to me mentally and physically is just not worth it.
Maybe you need more proof that you are an alcoholic but the trouble is that alcoholism is progressive and the consequences (in my own experience) just get worse. You can get off the elevator now Tink. You don't have to let it go down any further. Or, if you are like me, you can continue to try and drink "normally" until you are totally broken. I wouldnt recommend that lol.
Always here for you
🙏❤🙏❤
for me personally I had to be completely broken to admit that I was an alcoholic and that alcohol had me beat. And even now, 16 months later, that voice sometimes whispers to me, "go on, you will be able to handle one drink now". But I surrender on a daily basis. I am an alcoholic. I dont know why I am. I dont know if I was born this way or if I became one either over time or because of some trauma I suffered. I don't know and it doesnt really matter now because I am. That is my reality. That is my truth. For me, I cannot ever have 1 drink. Or even 2. Once I put alcohol in my body I set off a craving, an allergy if you like. And I cannot STOP drinking. I have no idea where alcohol will take me and even if I drink at home alone, what alcohol does to me mentally and physically is just not worth it.
Maybe you need more proof that you are an alcoholic but the trouble is that alcoholism is progressive and the consequences (in my own experience) just get worse. You can get off the elevator now Tink. You don't have to let it go down any further. Or, if you are like me, you can continue to try and drink "normally" until you are totally broken. I wouldnt recommend that lol.
Always here for you
🙏❤🙏❤
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by RJY9
Alcohol has caused every problem I've ever had. Its evil. I am glad to be called 'not normal' if thats what it takes.
I am 7 days sober today. I relapsed after 1 year thinking I could be "normal" and ended up asleep in an alleyway and then with police waking me up on a park bench at 9am because I thought I was normal to stay up all night and shoyt obscenitys at people in the street. It all started with ONE beer. I am NOT normal when I drink. But according to my wife, mother and my daughter I am the loveliest bloke In the world and have a good heart. NOT when I drink. I'm a completely different character that lurks beneath just waiting for that poison. I know I cant drink. It will DESTROY my life and I'll end up dead. Stat sober my friend. I'm right there with ya!
I am 7 days sober today. I relapsed after 1 year thinking I could be "normal" and ended up asleep in an alleyway and then with police waking me up on a park bench at 9am because I thought I was normal to stay up all night and shoyt obscenitys at people in the street. It all started with ONE beer. I am NOT normal when I drink. But according to my wife, mother and my daughter I am the loveliest bloke In the world and have a good heart. NOT when I drink. I'm a completely different character that lurks beneath just waiting for that poison. I know I cant drink. It will DESTROY my life and I'll end up dead. Stat sober my friend. I'm right there with ya!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I told myself I was 'normal' one sunny Saturday afternoon five long years ago when I decided to have a pint of beer after two years of being clean and sober. That pint of beer led me back to my drug of choice on multiple occasions before I became obsessed with pharmaceuticals. The last 5 years have been one big hazy blur where the only that has changed is the severity of my addiction/s.
Accepting that you have an issue and wanting to deal with it is like 99% of the problem in my opinion. Once you know that you want to change you can start making moves and plans.
Sometimes relapses can be incredibly beneficial if you decide to learn from it. You can identify triggers and patterns of behaviours and then put steps in place to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Good luck with your sobriety.
Natom
Accepting that you have an issue and wanting to deal with it is like 99% of the problem in my opinion. Once you know that you want to change you can start making moves and plans.
Sometimes relapses can be incredibly beneficial if you decide to learn from it. You can identify triggers and patterns of behaviours and then put steps in place to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Good luck with your sobriety.
Natom
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Hi TB. I hear you. It took me quite a lot of attempts to be a 'normal' drinker before I finally accepted that drinking is wrong for me. I tried various 're-sets' including 4 months last summer but every time I drank again it went pear-shaped within a very short time. No need to hate yourself. There is a whole army of us who are like that with alcohol. You might find some peace in the realisation that alcohol is wrong for you. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Hi everyone i just wanted to say a massive thank you for all your posts, everyone of them has really helped me. Sorry I'm just checking back in i have been sober today, so day 1 again. I went back to work and asked to speak to the counsellor. I didn't speak about alcohol but i did open up about alot of past issues that i never told anyone about b4. Im desperate to get better now
alcohol has ruined my life i want to be free
alcohol has ruined my life i want to be free
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 125
It took me realizing, among other things, that my normal was NOT drinking - that I never had wanted or never would want just one; I only ever wanted complete oblivion. Then I could start to see that not drinking wasn't some sort of punishment, or a mark of my personal failing, or what have you, but rather the freedom from all of the worry and physical and mental pain and such that drinking had caused.
We don't need alcohol to live. If it doesn't work for you, like it doesn't for me and most others here, make a plan to leave it behind. That's your normal. This place is a great resource, for support and for finding in-person treatment/support options.
We don't need alcohol to live. If it doesn't work for you, like it doesn't for me and most others here, make a plan to leave it behind. That's your normal. This place is a great resource, for support and for finding in-person treatment/support options.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Thanks again everyone you are all so right and make perfect sense. Its one think the counsellor was insisting with me too, to lose the word normal as i apply it to my life in general too.
yesterday after lyong awake all night, dragging myself to work was so hard but the fear that if i didn't go i would drink was worse. So i went and askedfor help i told someone stuff from my past that i hadn't told anyone it had just been carried about with my for 10 years. I feel better for it as i was trying to drink to cope but knowing that was wrong. I want to be better, i don't want to drink ever again, i would to deal with all the stuff that has dragged me down.
day 2 i feel still unwell but maybe their is a little light starting to appear as the end of a tunnel
yesterday after lyong awake all night, dragging myself to work was so hard but the fear that if i didn't go i would drink was worse. So i went and askedfor help i told someone stuff from my past that i hadn't told anyone it had just been carried about with my for 10 years. I feel better for it as i was trying to drink to cope but knowing that was wrong. I want to be better, i don't want to drink ever again, i would to deal with all the stuff that has dragged me down.
day 2 i feel still unwell but maybe their is a little light starting to appear as the end of a tunnel
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Have you tried AA? I'm by no means an AA guy,but got court ordered to 2 meetings a week and it really let me get a good foothold towards my sobriety by just sharing my BS with other like minded folks. I didn't formally do the steps with a sponsor, although I'm sure that's great too,but it did lend a large hand in my current sobriety.
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