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8 months in, my two cents

Old 09-16-2019, 12:39 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Rose335 View Post
Pippin - you've started a fascinating thread and it's been really interesting to read your thoughts and the responses of others. I haven't much to bring to the party. I'm only 3 months sober (this time) and the only difference between now and my other attempts at sobriety is that now I've realised that the way I drank didn't provide me with anything worth having, emotionally, intellectually, financially or socially and it certainly never 'solved' anything for me. Not even comfortably numb! Although I didn't necessarily realise any of that at the time.

When I was drinking I so much looked forward to that cold glass of wine at the end of the day (every day). I really felt I deserved it, was entitled to it and that I needed it to relax. And in fact that first glass was wonderful. And it always, always, always led to a bottle, at least. And that wasn't at all wonderful. Anything but. Night after night of broken sleep and morning after morning of remorse, self- hatred and feeling so rough.

I think, for me, the problem was and is that drinking seemed to offer so much and it seemed laughable (usually by mid afternoon each day) to believe that I wasn't capable of simply drinking a single glass if I bought a bottle of wine. Even though that never, ever happened. Not once. So I kept on buying and drinking the bottles.

So that's me. I can't drink single glasses, only bottles. And whatever the promise of that first drink, I never ever end up feeling good or better or happy.

You've gone 8 months without any alcohol. That's envy making and I would love to be saying that and hopefully I will sometime next year. It doesn't even sound like you are struggling more that you're feeling regretful for something you've left behind. My feeling is that if you feel drinking really gave you more than not drinking then I suspect it's game over when you get to year one. But because you've achieved so much I'd give that question really careful thought.

Thank you for posting. It was helpful for me to consider your perspective and to be prompted do a bit of analysis as to why I feel so fervently that I can't let alcohol back in my life.
Thank you. Glad my post could be of use.

I believe I've shared all I had in my mind regarding the subject of "never drinking again".

It's always nice to talk about these issues, and SR is my only outlet. Alcoholism is generally frowned upon where I'm situated, and people simply sweep conversations around it under the rug. AA has never really been my thing, I'm just very private I guess, particularly in this regard.

I'm the same way. A beer? Who goes to the store to buy just one? I always bought a six-pack of the strongest, cheapest garbage I could find. Not because I couldn't afford a superior brand, but simply because I was buying in bulk.

I switched to wine, thinking that would help me drink lesser. And it did, initially. One bottle a night was the norm. Then it become two. I've had nights when I've guzzled more than 3 bottles over a 12 hour period.

Yes, the morning after usually sucks. So does the embarrassment, if any. But those 12 hours, are...

Having said that, today I'm feeling more positive about my sobriety.

Folks here seem to think that it's a foregone conclusion that I'll drink when I hit 365 days. That's not true. I'm simply refraining from predicting the future at this point.

Have a nice day!
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Old 09-16-2019, 12:53 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tailai View Post
Pippo, thanks for your two cents. You remind me of someone . . . oh yeah, me! It’s clear you are highly intelligent with a nimble mind so you’re confident in being a lone voice with your perspective the way you parry the replies. I wish you were my nephew so we could go through this together. I am highly emotional & I drank to calm down what I thought of as “mental exhilaration”. The problem came when I drank more & more & became physically dependent on the alcohol with all the associated withdrawal symptoms between drinks, even after just an hour or two. And the liver damage. So I became convinced that this drinking plan was not productive & formulated a new plan to calm down. One more positive.
Thank you for your kind words, sir / ma'am.

It's not that I'm putting in a conscious effort to stray from the norm. It simply is what it is. I wish I could be more in control of my emotions, and ultimately my life. It's something I definitely need to work upon, irrespective of sobriety.

I drank to simply escape. Escape everything. I engaged in other escapist behaviors as well. But those were obviously not as effective. Else, I wouldn't have needed to drink if they were.

I'm not sure if my brain is capable of producing dopamine organically. I'm not a psychiatrist. But maybe it's time I should see one.

SO happy that you've quit successfully, and are regaining your health! I have read that the liver is the only organ in an adult body capable of regenerating new healthy tissue.

I'm lucky to have gotten away without suffering severe withdrawal elements like hallucinations, DTs, shakes etc. But the headaches were awful. Looking back, probably should have consulted a doctor regarding my quitting mechanism / plan. The last liver check-up I had turned up fine, but it's been a while.

What does your new plan entail exactly, if I may ask?
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Old 09-16-2019, 01:09 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Natom View Post
I've spent most of the last 10 years using, drinking and gambling. I can only describe how I feel as 'tired'. Every day has been the same, the same routine. Friends and lovers have fallen by the wayside, family relationships have been stretched and repaired. I've lost all my friends either directly because of my addiction or because of something relating to it.

I literally have no more fight left in me anymore.

Numbing emotions can give a temporary respite but they always come back unless they're dealt with. There's probably some therapeutic value to numbing your emotions before they surface again. But, they will always surface again.

Sobriety isn't a magical world of unicorns and happiness. Life is still going to happen whether you're using or drinking. It's how we deal with it, or not deal with it that forms the pros and cons for sobriety.

Natom
Thank you!

I agree that life is going to happen, regardless of whether one drinks.

I don't see alcohol as being poison, or evil, or whatever derogatory terms people call it. It's just a pity, that I can't drink like a normal person. That's on me. It doesn't make the substance good, or bad. It's just a substance.

Understand the 'tired' bit. I feel that way sometimes too. I never felt that way when I drank though, gotta be honest. It always seemed to fill the void. As long as I drank at the end of a long day, I didn't care about anything. But I believe that's mostly because I don't have much else to do, that fulfills my physiological needs. Why not? Because I always end up comparing activities with drinking.

I've accepted that sobriety is not unicorns and fairytales. Neither is drinking.

In the end, it's all just a passage of time, really. And I'm not saying that in a morose tone. Absolutely not. I've had some wonderful times in life, both as a sober individual, and whilst I was actively drinking.
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Old 09-16-2019, 01:23 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by soberlicious View Post
Inferior grade? Not sure what that means...

My point is simply that keeping the door open is well, keeping the door open. Which I guess I don't understand why you would want to do that when you also know this: If your life is already no great shakes, why would you add more negative stuff to it? The numbing is great yeah, but it comes at a price and over time the price will become very very high. Just trying to understand here.

I did the same as you except that I went 10 years sober and then drank again. Maybe your experience will be different, but mine did not end well. I wish I had sense enough not to go back, but we all do what we need to do. I'm not judging you or telling you what to do, just responding to your post the only way I know how, which is honestly.
Thank you for your honest opinion. It's very welcome, and I'm trying to glean from your experience.

Choosing to drink after 10 long years of remaining sober. That must have been intimidating. May I ask why you chose to drink at the time? Did you relapse in angst? Or was it a conscious decision, based on your perceived ability to moderate?

For me, the *potential* reason of going back, is that nothing else satisfies me as much. Atleast, I haven't found it yet.

I understand the price is high. As an alcoholic who cannot stop, I'd have to pay a premium too.

What exactly will happen at 365 days, is that I will literally document a cost-benefit analysis of both, remaining sober, and drinking again.

I don't understand why it has to be a foregone conclusion that I'll surely drink. There's still a long way to go, and I'm looking forward to my special day. Not because I can't wait to pick up. But because of what it would mean to me, as a milestone.

I'm only stopping myself from predicting the future. Isn't that sensible?

Have a nice one!
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Old 09-16-2019, 02:25 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pippo View Post
Thank you for your kind words, sir / ma'am.

It's not that I'm putting in a conscious effort to stray from the norm. It simply is what it is. I wish I could be more in control of my emotions, and ultimately my life. It's something I definitely need to work upon, irrespective of sobriety.

I drank to simply escape. Escape everything. I engaged in other escapist behaviors as well. But those were obviously not as effective. Else, I wouldn't have needed to drink if they were.

I'm not sure if my brain is capable of producing dopamine organically. I'm not a psychiatrist. But maybe it's time I should see one.

SO happy that you've quit successfully, and are regaining your health! I have read that the liver is the only organ in an adult body capable of regenerating new healthy tissue.

I'm lucky to have gotten away without suffering severe withdrawal elements like hallucinations, DTs, shakes etc. But the headaches were awful. Looking back, probably should have consulted a doctor regarding my quitting mechanism / plan. The last liver check-up I had turned up fine, but it's been a while.

What does your new plan entail exactly, if I may ask?
Firstly, So happy to see your reply. Secondly, I’m a guy. Finally, my plan is a daily routine - exercise, first thing in the morning, practicing daily gratitude, eliminating negative thinking, which also requires daily practice, & adjusting & resetting to the inevitable down turns productively with positive energy.
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Old 09-16-2019, 02:51 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pippo View Post

For me, the *potential* reason of going back, is that nothing else satisfies me as much. Atleast, I haven't found it yet.

:
No **** Sherlock...
Alcohol (and many other drugs) provide a high that other activities stimulating your pleasure (dopamine rush) cannot. At least for a while. So nothing else, unless you also try other drugs, will give you that rush.

Whether or not that is an objective worth pursuing in life (trying desperately to go back to that 'first high' that becomes a constant low and alcohol consumption to keep the low a bit less horrible) is another question.

Many of us miss alcohol and the highs. We would have not been here otherwise. Since you are missing the 'satisfaction' provided I am guessing you are not missing a small glass of wine every now and then with the sporadic binge every two years in a wedding.

It is for you to make the decision. I find the idea of not drinking ever and giving up that 'pleasure' unbearable. I also find that same thought very scary. I once ate anchovies that made me sick the day after. I have never ever again eaten anchovies. I used to love them. Nothing tastes like anchovies and they are healthy.

The effect of the anchovies were nothing compare with a normal hangover. However, I always seem to convince myself that the alcohol is worth the pain. I don't know, but when we think like this, all is not good.

By the way, my objective is to make it to 100 days. I cannot bear the thought of longer than this. I started with 2 weeks, then 1 month, then 10 weeks, and now is 100 days. So I get where you are coming from. We all do.
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Old 09-16-2019, 06:14 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BackandScared View Post
No **** Sherlock...
Alcohol (and many other drugs) provide a high that other activities stimulating your pleasure (dopamine rush) cannot. At least for a while. So nothing else, unless you also try other drugs, will give you that rush.

Whether or not that is an objective worth pursuing in life (trying desperately to go back to that 'first high' that becomes a constant low and alcohol consumption to keep the low a bit less horrible) is another question.

Many of us miss alcohol and the highs. We would have not been here otherwise. Since you are missing the 'satisfaction' provided I am guessing you are not missing a small glass of wine every now and then with the sporadic binge every two years in a wedding.

It is for you to make the decision. I find the idea of not drinking ever and giving up that 'pleasure' unbearable. I also find that same thought very scary. I once ate anchovies that made me sick the day after. I have never ever again eaten anchovies. I used to love them. Nothing tastes like anchovies and they are healthy.

The effect of the anchovies were nothing compare with a normal hangover. However, I always seem to convince myself that the alcohol is worth the pain. I don't know, but when we think like this, all is not good.

By the way, my objective is to make it to 100 days. I cannot bear the thought of longer than this. I started with 2 weeks, then 1 month, then 10 weeks, and now is 100 days. So I get where you are coming from. We all do.
Good luck.
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Old 09-16-2019, 08:01 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pippo View Post
Will I ever drink again?

I don't know. That's just the truth, and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
.
I’m 8 months in too. Well done!

But I ask myself the above question in a negative way. In my case, I might drink again, but it would be due to something pretty terrible and would end in a messy way. I have two choices:

a) don’t drink again
b) be a heavy drinker

I’m hoping that I can keep to (a) as (b) is too nasty to think about. Statistically, I’m likely to relapse and am rightly afraid of this.

If I may offer an opinion, drinking after a year would mean option (b) above.
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Old 09-16-2019, 02:37 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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