Don't know how to deal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
Don't know how to deal
Like the title says I honestly don't know how to deal with this one.
I'll put as succinctly as I can and no BS or placating responses are needed. If you think I'm in the wrong say it.
Obviously the cause is alcohol as many of things in life. I ran up debt and can't pay direct debits this month, which are instalments of payments. I asked my family for a loan, in my view a small one, 200 hundred pounds or so. This is in view of us coming into inheritance very soon, not inconsiderable about 30 thousand pounds, and the first time I've asked for money. They did provide some amount to set myself up before, totally unasked before generally probably to get me out of a house I used to live with, with my mother. Who died a nasty death of lung cancer, during which I cared for her - took her appointments, fought a daily battle with doctors for over a year for medication to stave away daily horrendous pain.
They refused which has leaved me speechless. They stopped taking my calls. I don't know what to do. We generally got on before. A situation of your own making is obvious, but I think I've got a right to my current feelings.
If these people don't help you at your lowest how in gods name can you ever abide them again? Seriously considering shutting them out for ever. Your thoughts would be appreciated because I'm on the edge of deciding.
I'll put as succinctly as I can and no BS or placating responses are needed. If you think I'm in the wrong say it.
Obviously the cause is alcohol as many of things in life. I ran up debt and can't pay direct debits this month, which are instalments of payments. I asked my family for a loan, in my view a small one, 200 hundred pounds or so. This is in view of us coming into inheritance very soon, not inconsiderable about 30 thousand pounds, and the first time I've asked for money. They did provide some amount to set myself up before, totally unasked before generally probably to get me out of a house I used to live with, with my mother. Who died a nasty death of lung cancer, during which I cared for her - took her appointments, fought a daily battle with doctors for over a year for medication to stave away daily horrendous pain.
They refused which has leaved me speechless. They stopped taking my calls. I don't know what to do. We generally got on before. A situation of your own making is obvious, but I think I've got a right to my current feelings.
If these people don't help you at your lowest how in gods name can you ever abide them again? Seriously considering shutting them out for ever. Your thoughts would be appreciated because I'm on the edge of deciding.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
You have a right to your feelings, yes. But, they have a right to say no.
You will have to figure a way to get out of your own mess without expecting your family to bail you out.
No BS or placating.
You will have to figure a way to get out of your own mess without expecting your family to bail you out.
No BS or placating.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi FreshStart
I don;t know enough about your history or your family to make a judgement.
All I can share is my own experience.
Noone helped me out financially when I quit (although they did quite a few times when I was drinking without knowing the real reason I was penniless. To be fair I helped them out too when I had the money)
But yeah, no help post my reveal of my alcoholism.
It took a good deal of payment schedules and self discipline for me to pay back all the money I owed and sometimes I had to renegotiate payments when unforeseen expenses came up, but I got through and made it back into the black and I've never been in the red again..
I look back at that period now and I still feel the self satisfaction of getting myself out of the mess.
I'm kinda glad I was forced to be self sufficient then cos it's become the corner stone of my recovery and my life really.
I hope you'll look back and feel the same.
I don;t know enough about your history or your family to make a judgement.
All I can share is my own experience.
Noone helped me out financially when I quit (although they did quite a few times when I was drinking without knowing the real reason I was penniless. To be fair I helped them out too when I had the money)
But yeah, no help post my reveal of my alcoholism.
It took a good deal of payment schedules and self discipline for me to pay back all the money I owed and sometimes I had to renegotiate payments when unforeseen expenses came up, but I got through and made it back into the black and I've never been in the red again..
I look back at that period now and I still feel the self satisfaction of getting myself out of the mess.
I'm kinda glad I was forced to be self sufficient then cos it's become the corner stone of my recovery and my life really.
I hope you'll look back and feel the same.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why is your family responsible for debt that you incurred? regardless of whether they have the means or not. can they also contact you for a loan? does it go both ways? do you feel responsible for their debt?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
why is your family responsible for debt that you incurred? regardless of whether they have the means or not. can they also contact you for a loan? does it go both ways? do you feel responsible for their debt?
I'm battling with this now in my mind. It cuts deep that it's family I suppose. Are they being reasonable when I've mostly managed my money well in my life? Is this hard knocks approach going to work and if I can't literally approach for one time would I ever want them in my life even if I manage to get control?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
My story, perhaps worthy of compassion- left me homeless, with a house I was cotitled to- empty (except for ex), 15k from the horrible place I had to live in for a while, same with a friend and my bro- both a short drive away- with independent empty granny flats. They, all of them had enough of my drinking and were not prepared to be involved in my miserable story anymore. I learnt from then never to ask, or rely on family or friends for any help- from that time. A hard lesson to be sure, but I came out the stronger and committed to my sobriety. I use meetings and health professionals for support. As to the money- I learnt quickly to manage my own finances.
Support to you.
Support to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,122
I wouldn’t cut them out. You are right to have your feelings and they are right to have their feelings. You seem to be very upset right now and it’s better to sleep on it before making any decisions you may not be able to take back.
Money is a hard thing. When you loan money, you are supposed to understand you will not get it back. Does your family members loan money out to each other? To friends? Sometimes loaning money can strain relationships. Maybe they don’t want to damage an already strained relationship? Maybe they are scared you relapsed?
Is $200 pounds worth losing these relationships? I hope not. I feel you are right to feel the way you do, just not entitled to these emotions, but I think you need to really consider why they are not getting the loan. It might be reasonable why they feel uncomfortable doing so.
Money is a hard thing. When you loan money, you are supposed to understand you will not get it back. Does your family members loan money out to each other? To friends? Sometimes loaning money can strain relationships. Maybe they don’t want to damage an already strained relationship? Maybe they are scared you relapsed?
Is $200 pounds worth losing these relationships? I hope not. I feel you are right to feel the way you do, just not entitled to these emotions, but I think you need to really consider why they are not getting the loan. It might be reasonable why they feel uncomfortable doing so.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
Myself & my family were brought up to always be there for each other no matter the circumstances, and as the baby of the family they have always been there for me as I have for them, even though it’s your debt, the way I see it is that they should be there for you no matter what, could be my upbringing but blood is thicker than water, I would have the hump if my family did that to me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
I'll keep you updated on the scores, but I'm still in the terrority of telling my closest relatives getting feckout. No more taking my mentally ill brother shopping every week. No more looking after my neice after school again. I'm utterly unspeakably angry now.
Thing is I completely explained this all to my family, my older sisters to be exact. Got nowhere. I'm just...I can't even explain
Thing is I completely explained this all to my family, my older sisters to be exact. Got nowhere. I'm just...I can't even explain
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I think if you take it easy tonight and try to tell them how bad it hurts you that they won’t help instead of fekking them off it might help. Use I statements and remember the role your drinking has played. Good luck and keep posting here.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I've bankrupted myself several times before and wasn't bailed out by anyone. My parents lent me £200 once to pay off a drug debt when I was like 17 and that's the one and only time they gave me money.
When I went bankrupt at 22 I was in rehab. I gave my dad all the information he needed and he got the forms I needed to declare bankruptcy done. I wanted him to get a loan out to pay my debts. I told him I'd pay the monthly payment but there I was, in rehab, strung out. Weirdly enough he refused.
They have a right to say no. You have a right to be hurt by that. But, it is what it is and you have to take it as it stands.
Natom.
When I went bankrupt at 22 I was in rehab. I gave my dad all the information he needed and he got the forms I needed to declare bankruptcy done. I wanted him to get a loan out to pay my debts. I told him I'd pay the monthly payment but there I was, in rehab, strung out. Weirdly enough he refused.
They have a right to say no. You have a right to be hurt by that. But, it is what it is and you have to take it as it stands.
Natom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
What would Ayya Khema do?
I'm not quite at that level of spiritual awareness, so not getting my bills paid is still fairly importent.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
You can be angry and resentful if you like - just don't let those emotions overwhelm you and push you into going backwards.
Stand your recovery ground.
This situation will pass, one way or another - be sober at the other end FSOK
D
Stand your recovery ground.
This situation will pass, one way or another - be sober at the other end FSOK
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
That's the thing, when you explain yourself clearly and they just totally ignore you, as far as I can see, for their apparent higher knowledge of the situation. Which is undoubtably 9 times out of 10 right, but not all seeing.
What do you put that down to? I'm right now putting it down to extremely malignant, unpleasant, unwholesome sibling rivalry. I'm trying not to think that but there are not many options.
What do you put that down to? I'm right now putting it down to extremely malignant, unpleasant, unwholesome sibling rivalry. I'm trying not to think that but there are not many options.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
If it’s just 200 you need, could you do a bootfair or is it called a yard sale there ? try and raise the money that way, then if that was me after I raised the money myself I would stick two fingers up at them, and be chuffed with myself for getting the money 👍
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
Yes it's just 200 quid. It's done now I've forgone one major direct debit.
I'm stupidly angry. Is it stupidly when mother ******* family watch you happily go down? I'm very close to doing something stupidly bad.
I'm stupidly angry. Is it stupidly when mother ******* family watch you happily go down? I'm very close to doing something stupidly bad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 188
Jesus I'm literally boiling. I've been on the phone with elder sister. Oh it's nothing don't worry about. Tried to talk to my mentallay ill brother who is in bed most of the day, tried to talk to my younger sister, who is on holiday.
I just, this is literally unbeleivavle. You ask for help and they all have closed ears. **** me this is turning into me wishing they dont see me on a dark night.
I'm trying to talk myself out of doing something stupid
I just, this is literally unbeleivavle. You ask for help and they all have closed ears. **** me this is turning into me wishing they dont see me on a dark night.
I'm trying to talk myself out of doing something stupid
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