Sitia

I cut up my bank card today. I was supposed to do it yesterday but I was drunk and I forgot. I cut it up and flushed it down the toilet. I bought myself gift cards for groceries but I was careful to not have any gift cards that would be enough to allow me to buy liquor store cards with the money. My husband is gone until next week sometime and he is my biggest enabler. He just wants to make people happy and he can't say no. So I have about 9 days to get my **** together. I also deleted my card from Google so I can't use my phone to pay. I just want to get sober so damn bad but I have impulse control issues and I can't seem to have access to money without buying booze. And it's sad as **** cause I don't even want to drink anymore. Everyday I'm like I'm too sick for this, I don't want it. It's almost like a self loathing, like bitch you are drinking. That's why I can't have access. I know I'll be ok but I'm terrified of when my husband comes back. I always tell him that he will enable me to my grave and he hates it when I say that but it's the truth. I think I'm just trying to punish myself like I don't care anymore. Yeah pain I don't care, come find me and **** you. I'll self destruct, that'll show you. But it's nothing but me with more pain than I needed to take on.

Sitia

And my husband is everything to me and the love of my life, as am I to him but he feels way more than I even understand.

Dee74

Kudos for you for doing all that - it takes what it takes sitia.

I'd also recommend reading and posting here everyday - you'll get great support and good ideas of what else to try too

D

Delilah1

Hi Sitia,

Seems like you’re willing to do whatever it takes to stop drinking. You might want to look into support groups near you.