Rage anger and red mist.
 

My amygdala got the better of me yesterday.
I got pushed once to often and my fuse blew!
Gave the offenders both barrels whilst my heart was almost bursting out of my chest.
Didn’t sleep well at all.
My heart is only just settling down to a steady rate after about 30hours.

That was a massive test of my recovery .
To have that much of an explosion and not drink is really something.
The gloves are off.
They can eat ****and die!

Whoa, that's hard core. I'd need to retrace how I got to such an extreme point (I've had my version of losing it a couple notable times in sobriety but I wouldn't describe them quite that extreme) - and see where I needed to reign myself back in sooner when the beginnings of my fire were getting started. Even better, I have to work to be as emo stable as possible as much of the time as possible, so I don't go down a path to that kind of end.

Glad you didn't drink.

I have to work very hard on my emotions as well. Mostly I succeed and then I feel good. Sometimes I resort to sarcasm and then I feel disappointed in myself. It is a work in progress.

I’m usually good at keeping it together but enough was enough.
I feel better for it.
Being falsely bad mouthed and de-famed over and over and now by another member of her family. Just so I can be pushed out and left with nothing. I had to take a stand, my calm words where having no effect only being used against me.
I have made my decision and I am no longer going to care for them and try and see their point of things. It’s all based on lies.
And I was blamed for giving her cancer as a guilt trip.

‘nanas to them.

I feel good when I’ve controlled my emotions too.
Everyone has a breaking point I believe.
I won’t beat myself up for my outburst it only gets used against me if I say I was wrong sorry.( although that is the right thing to do in normal circumstances)

Got called cold and calculating . How does that help someone in recovery?

I have been calm and together. All that good hard work gets twisted into something ugly.

I will really appreciate my freedom when this is all over.
It will be the sweetest plum.
I will be able to appreciate it because I am never going to drink ever.
How cool is that :)

Usually my way.
Bit like Obama.
When they go low I go high

I am under a huge amount of stress right now. And really, the only thing that has changed is how I'm perceiving it. How I'm internalizing and how I'm reacting.

AA uses the phrase " Alcoholism is a disease of perception". While I don't embrace that word for word, I take it as "life is a condition of perception and of choice". That's how it is for me anyway. I know without a doubt that I am riding the end of a calm. If I don't figure out what is really driving how I'm feeling right now, I'll blow.

Drinking won't help one bit. So I'm just stuck with the awful sort of ugh.

Anyway, I relate. And the situation you are in is brutal so I hope you are out of it soon.

Gave her Cancer? Um, that can't happen, unless its cervical from HPV and there frankly is no way to prove that you were the carrier. No test for men as far as I know. Of course, if that is it, you now are a carrier so be conscious of that. Sorry if that was way off base, or tmi. And since like 80% of the population have been exposed to HPV its pretty hard to run that line as a reasonable guilt trip. Its just one of those 'bummers' of life.

But reasonable doesn't sound like part of the deal in your situation. I hope you find relief soon.

No one wants you to beat yourself up.

We're just suggesting that you consider ways to not let yourself get this disturbed, because it can be an impediment to sobriety.

In other words, these rages can make us more susceptible to drinking again, even though you mercifully did not do so this time.

Congrats on your sobriety.

Thanks SC.
I wasn’t implying anyone was making me beat myself up.
It’s just what I usually do if I lose my cool.
This time I just accepted I lost my cool, and I am ok with that.
I realise the dangers but I feel I needed to do it.( I don’t plan to make it a habit)
A statement if you like.
I got extremely angry at alcohol/my beast and that helped me beat it.
It’s my last resort, i’ve got to hate it to be rid then come to terms with it in my own time.

Breast cancer was the one.

Hope you can get your mind and body to stay as one. That’s how I keep my cool usually. Take breaks to get myself back together and figure it out bit by bit. 4second box breathing too.
Keep your soul safe.

It really doesn't matter at all what others think about you, Snowy.

Yes I know, that’s what I told her when she said it.
Still hurts when it’s said to me by my mother in law who I have always got on with and was my good friend. Just turned on me just like that!

I'm really glad you didn't drink Snowy., I hope whatever needs to happen to get yourself out of this relationship happens soon, and the old happy go lucky Snowy can emerge again :)

D

I was red mist angry at everything, mainly because I hated myself. This is no way implying me to give 'should do' advice, but one mental trick to think of.

Anger is better than despair, but keep feeding it and it becomes damaging. I used my anger energy to change myself, because I cannot change others (unless it is about safety, or work place rules and normal stuff)...