Ladybug47

Today marks day 45 with no alcohol. I feel great, and aside form the occasional after-work craving for wine, things have been pretty smooth for me.

That's where I see the problem. I am afraid that I am going to get a few more months into sobriety and then take it for granted. I am afraid that I will forget why I stopped drinking and go for that one glass of wine. I am afraid that I will be able to moderate for a while, and then slowly go back down that slippery slope.

I never had a real 'rock bottom' and I never want to. When I drank, it was usually until I blacked out. I consider myself one of the very lucky ones for not getting a DUI or worse.

How do you really remember WHY you stopped drinking when you are months or years into sobriety? Especially when you've had only near misses and no rock bottom?

I am afraid that as time passes, the pain of hangovers and the shame of not remembering my drunk actions will all fade away and I will start drinking again. I am afraid of becoming careless with this gift that I have right now.

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
You're making yourself a sort of self fulfilling prophecy.
I can't tell you how many times I would forget my old drinking and the nightmarish hangovers. And, of course, drink again.
You're very astute to realize this may happen to you. And it can.

One way I avoid this, and I've been sober over ten and a half years, is by coming here.
Or, joining AA and attending meetings.
Then it'll help you remember. It's tough to quit and stay quit on your own.
That's one of the reasons I still come here. I need a daily reminder that I've been given a reprieve from alcohol that needs to be nurtured by action.

I understand exactly what you're talking about, and it is a very valid point and I would imagine the most common reason for relapses.
But it doesn't have to be that way. I can't sit back on my laurels and think I've got alcohol beat. I don't. All I have is today, and today I will do what it takes not to drink.
I take one day at a time. It's been working.

CupofJoe

Ditto to the above.

I honestly believe that I'll never drink again. But one of the ways I ensure that is by staying close to recovery circles. There's nothing like encouraging people new or struggling to remind myself why I don't drink. And there's great joy in seeing people get sober and start to thrive. It reminds me of my own great blessing in being sober.

"Rock bottom" is wherever you choose to stop. The only true "rock bottom" is death. Just for perspective, I know people who are horrified that anyone would ever black out drinking. Or that they would continue to drink after that experience. So the fact that you drank to blackout sounds like a bottom to me. (By the way, I blacked out on a regular basis, so no judgment from me.)

Sobriety is a gift. I remind myself that every day. I hope you will, too.

doggonecarl

I don't have to remember why I quit. When I quit, I committed to never, ever drinking again. Sobriety for life. So I don't have to remember why I quit...just that I did quit. For good.

So make your sobriety unconditional.

Wastinglife

I have time and time again relapsed when my resolve to stay abstinent wains the longer I stay sober. I don't have much to be sober for really since I already lost everything. I have to start over from scratch at 43 years old. A task so daunting for even the most determined person.

Callas

Well I am six months sober and remember the many reasons for stopping clearly. I hope it stays that way. I hope so for you too.

SuficintCrlsns

During my last slip and the subsequent withdrawals when I quit for the last time, I made a conscious effort to take a mental snapshot of my condition at the time, the hopelessness, panic, crushing anxiety, etc. I am so far away from that now, but I can bring it into my mind like it was yesterday.

There are a million reasons for me not to go back, but this is one of my biggest WHY's if I ever feel like I'm taking sobriety for granted.

I agree with doggonecarl that it should be unconditional, but a good kick in the pants is good too. Let's face it, sobriety gets boring (for lack of a better word). The initial honeymoon phase of excitement around being sober wears off and a little reminder of why we're here (sober) is not a bad thing.

SC

boreas

Ladybug,

Early on, I created an electronic journal of sorts. I cut and pasted quotes, stories, essays about drinking, and scary events from my own drinking that I knew would fade with time. Lots of the daily entries are from the wisdom posted here.

My deal with myself is that, if I ever decide to drink again, first I have to read this journal from beginning to end. That’s my reminder.

Writing things down that happened and seeing them all together made me realize that I wasn’t nearly as high functioning as I thought. I’d never had a single consequence, have a good job, etc., but it was a veneer over a pretty big problem. Reading the stories of others helped me see that I was careening down the same hill, I just hadn’t yet fallen as far. That’s a gift.
-bora

tomsteve

How do you really remember WHY you stopped drinking when you are months or years into sobriety?

i heard early on that if i dont remember my last drunk then i havent had it yet.
i was a blackout drinker so dont remember my last drunk.
ill never forget a whole lot of the day after and quite a few days after that.

its not something i keep fresh in my memory,though. i worked my ass off to change who i am and the sober life is AWESOME!

Anna

I've never forgotten the person I became when I was drinking, so I know why I quit. If you're afraid you'll forget, why not sit down right now and write out the reasons that come to your mind. Put the list somewhere nearby and if you feel yourself wavering, take it out and read it.

Ladybug47

Somehow I've been thinking there would come a time that I could just leave alcohol in the dust and never look back. But if you're 10 years in and still need to remind yourself daily...well then it looks like I have to just make these conscious reminders part of my life, too. Wow! Just realizing that I have to remind myself every day for the rest of my life sounds like an wild commitment. But worth it when you consider the other options. Guess I'll just add that to my daily 'to do' list, haha! Thank you.

Ladybug47

Same here! And I don't think a lot of those people knew I was blacked out...because a lot of times I'd just carry on a normal, calm conversation (so I was told).

But, yes, that should have been reason enough to stop. Somehow it wasn't.

CupofJoe

I totally understand! I started blacking out at the beginning of my drinking and carried on for years. It wasn't enough for me, either. That's why we had a problem...

But the thing is, you did quit. You have quit. That's all I want to emphasize. You hit your bottom. You decided enough was enough. That's all that matters.

Now it's just a matter of reminding yourself what you don't want to go back to. It helps me also to think of the positive things I've gained. It's better to be grateful for the present than to remember bad things in the past, I think. (Although I remember how bad it was... I never want to forget that, I just don't want to dwell on it either.)

Ladybug47

I want to get there. The last time I drank, I was sick on my friend's bathroom floor, and I said to myself, "I can't do this anymore." And I felt it in my bones. It was an absolute statement. I guess somewhere deep down I don't trust myself yet.

August252015

My reason for getting sober is that I didn't want to die. I was given a month, 18 yr at age 39 when I finally "got it." I'm 43 and just past 3.5 yr sober now.

My reason for staying in recovery is a different choice - I want to live.

Well, happy, clear and free. Big difference in not wanting to die, and wanting to live the way I do now.

least

When I got sober, I vowed it would be forever. I had 20 yrs sober until spring of '07. I know what happens if I drink and that's no longer an option. I am very content in my sobriety and don't want to ruin it.

Ladybug47

You are young! I am 42 and still feel young. I am nowhere near where I want to be in life, but I feel determined to get there. And we are more likely to get there when we are sober and have our wits about us.

I have been reading "How to Have More than Enough" by Dave Ramsey. He talks about people who did amazing things later in life....

-Harlan Sanders was 65 and living on a social security check of $102/month when he came up with the recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken

-Grandma Moses was 80 when she started painting and became a famous artist

These are extreme examples but in our early 40's we have a lot of fight left in us

Ladybug47

I love this. I started doing this in the notes on my phone but I think I need to go bigger and get more creative with it.

totfit

I have internalized the fact that I cannot control alcohol after I drink in any way shape or form. I have found it to my benefit however to replace the "alcohol habit" with health, fitness, and living goals and activities that just would not at all "fit" with my alcohol consumption. It is not so much the "fear" of what alcohol does to me, but the fact that I like my life as it is now and don't want to change that. Fighting it never much worked for me. Replacing it with better things did.

lessgravity

SR is a great resource for that - doesn't take much reading of my old posts to remember the horror, shame and suffering I put my self through on a daily basis.