boreas

LB,

Everyone is different. Some here talk of revisiting their recovery daily, others don’t. For me, days may go by that I don’t think about it. One example...I downloaded a sobriety tracker app (which I also recommend). Early on, I checked in daily. Now, it’s more like once a month. I read on SR as a regular reminder...sometimes daily, sometimes every few days. For me, it’s part of my routine, sometimes needed more than others depending on “life”, but with sustained sobriety is no longer the sole focus of my days.

So yes, it is possible to leave alcohol “in the dust”, and how often you must remind yourself of the why of it all varies from person to person. My sobriety is part of my greater efforts towards self-improvement...an important but not defining feature. The key is that when I look back, I must see the devastation and not the romance.
-bora

DriGuy

I had similar fears early on. I actually think they may have been helpful, because fear is a motivator. I'm not sure that I had a fear that my fears would go away, which is what you seem to be saying, but it sounds like you are using it to help guide you in sobriety the way I used mine.

I learned a scary lesson about 6 months into sobriety when someone offered me wine for dinner and asked if I was still not drinking. Immediately, my AV kicked in and I thought to myself, "Good idea. I've been sober for 6 months and am ready to drink normally." That thought lasted less than one second, but it was clear and undeniable and turned to intense fear right away. It scared me that I could even harbor such an insane thought, and that for a fraction of a second it even sounded perfectly sane. So thank God for fear.

But my approach to staying sober was about to change, and for the better. At first, like you, my motivator was fear, actually morbid creeping dread, but I want to be happy. That's my goal. I don't want to carry fear around, no matter how useful it is. Even a fear that you will lose your fear becomes a burden to bear. And maybe you're going to lose it anyway. I don't know if you will. That it will go away on it's own is only my guess. I decided to let my fear go, because I was ready to do that.

But without fear of drinking to carry you through sobriety, you better have something as a substitute, and I knew what it was. As you get healthier, sobriety evolves, and you have to evolve with it to keep up. Fear goes away, so instead of guiding myself through sobriety based on my emotions, I changed my approach to let my intellect guide me.

Being in meetings or forums with recovering alcoholics, you learn about your AV and it's head games. You learn about triggers. You learn about the outcome of relapses, and you learn that relapses happen because you stopped thinking rationally. You are armed with knowledge. USE THAT KNOWLEDGE and learn to stay vigilant. Vigilance was not something I found to be difficult. It wasn't like OMG, OMG, suppose I quit being vigilant? It just becomes natural when you are armed with knowledge and quit playing games with your head. In AA it should be part of your inventory if it's complete. But you can learn to do this on your own, and you will need to because you are no longer running on emotion, but running on your intellect and reason.

Now whether you let your fear go intentionally, or just let it fade on it's own, you have an even more powerful tool than you had when you were running your sobriety on fear. It becomes time to let the Mr. Spock in you out, and start being rational. Don't force it. Just let it happen in due course when you realize you are ready.

Reason is one of your most powerful resources. You can learn to depend on it to stay sober, and throughout the rest of your personal growth. Eventually, you won't even think about it much. Making the choice not to drink becomes an unconscious default behavior, and things just get easier and you can let your guard down a bit, knowing it will be there the instant it is needed.

I don't believe you will forget. Anyone who shows up in a place like this is looking for an important change of direction from something they have already figured out isn't going to lead anyplace good.

The danger is not forgetting why you quit, but not caring about the brighter future that is waiting for you. I think that's the bigger peril.

pscirish

Hi Ladybug47,

Great insight into your condition. My experience has been exactly what your allude to - that, no matter how bad the situation has gotten due to my drinking - I, at some point in the future, forget the pain and drink again, thereby starting the cycle all over again.

I've drank after 1 year, 2 years, and 11 years, not to mention the countless vain attempts in between. And every single time the previous humiliation and pain did not come into my mind with enough force to crowd out the allure of the first drink.

The big book says:

"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." Page 24.

Does this match your experience? That paragraph is telling me that choice, willpower, and memory will not be sufficient to not drink again. And that has been my experience exactly. And so, the question is, has this been your experience?

If this is you and this has been your experience, you may be suffering from a condition in which only a power greater than your mind can alleviate. But that's ok, because we have a way out and path to recover fully from this condition and that path is laid out in the Big Book. Find someone local to take you through it and you'll never have to rely on failed memory again.

Good luck and God speed for your recovery.

Patrick

ColoradoRocky

Holy smoking God-awful memory banks, Batman! This brought me back a memory of once when I was interviewed, an interview in which I was totally wasted and blacked-out, and I was sent the tape of the interview for review the next day. I listened to it, to MYSELF, and I could NOT believe how composed, rational, articulate, funny, and together I SOUNDED. Yet I could not remember one second of it.

You're killing me Ladybug!

As far as being afraid of forgetting? You're 45 days away from your last drink. You dang well better remember how bad it was.

However, like part of what Carl, Guy, and Patrick are saying, for instance, and me, too (I don't know what that adds up to in time without drinking, but it's several decades at least), is that just remembering that last day will ultimately not be enough to keep you away from a drink. What will be enough is how strong you daily program is.

At 45 days, you need a daily program for not drinking right now, basically a 24/7 focus, but eventually you won't need a plan for not drinking, any more than I need a plan for not climbing Everest. I ain't clmbing Everest. So, your program for not drinking will become less about drinking and more and more about how to live a good life.

Let me push my luck by adding one more comment: please, Ladybug, don't try to quit drinking on your own.

Dee74

I worried about that too Ladybug which is why I started coming here every day.

Reading my own story ion other peoples words over and over again helped convince me I should never drink again - not if I wanted the type of life I aspired to and the kind of person I wanted to be.

I call it acceptance.

That made the difference. I gave up on the dream of me being able to drink without self destruction following.

I changed.

My AV, inner addict, addiction - call it whatever you like - is not going to convince me to drink again.

I know longer come here cos I have to but cos I want to

You have nothing to fear from relapse so long as you know what the right things are to do when those thoughts intrude.

D

Ladybug47

Yes, 100%. I tend to forget why I stopped. The suffering fades. I am glad I addressed this here on this forum because it was a total puzzle to me. I am all new to this and these are things that have never occurred to me. I feel like I am starting to be armed with such useful information. This place is so great.

Ladybug47

Wow...yeah, that had to be STRANGE experience to see yourself like that. Especially in such a formal setting! I once had a boyfriend who for some reason took a video of me talking on the phone. I, too, was blacked out. I was a little silly and giggly (which is my normal self) but otherwise carrying on a coherent conversation. It turned my stomach because I didn't remember any of it.


So far I am just visiting this forum, listening to podcasts, exercising, and staying away from parties and happy hours. I really don't feel comfortable attending meetings. I do go to therapy to work on myself. I haven't let my therapist know that I quit drinking or that I am a problem drinker.

Ladybug47

This resonates with me. Just like if someone has a physical disability and can't do certain things. I have an invisible disability and can't drink. That's just my life and I need to accept it.

ColoradoRocky

Can you do that? Take the leap? That could be the start.

Ladybug47

ColoradoRocky I've toyed with the thought of telling her. It makes me sweat just thinking about it.

nez

I am an alcoholic. That is why I quit. Easy to remember fact.

AnvilheadII

if you can't tell your therapist you have a drinking problem, who can you tell?

Ladybug47

Great question. I guess my answer is...nobody. Except for people on this forum that I have never met.

I am working through specific things with my therapist right now and I don't want to add another layer to it because I feel like I am really making progress. And the progress that I am making is teaching me great coping mechanisms which I feel is helping me with sobriety.

Maybe that sounds like a cop-out. But I also feel really fragile and new in this sobriety that I want to just keep it to myself. Maybe the truth is also that I feel deep shame for not being able control my drinking and sharing that with someone in real life would make me feel too vulnerable right now (even my therapist).

The things I am doing right now feel good to me and they seem to be working so far. I am open to the fact that maybe I could share more with people in my life, but for now I'm not feeling like I want to.

nez

There is no shame in admitting that you can't control your drinking, quite the contrary, actually it is extremely liberating.

Wow!!! I no longer have to drink. What a concept! Not drinking is perfectly acceptable behavior. There is not one thing wrong with not drinking. I can't say the same thing about drinking.

Ladybug47

Yes, I totally agree! I will clarify that I have told friends and family that I am not drinking. But I haven't told them that I have a problem with alcohol. They have all been accepting of my not drinking, none have batted an eyelash. And the people who would normally give me a hard time about not drinking? I have not had any recent contact with them. Those people are drinking friends, and nothing more. Sober me has nothing on common with them.

Maybe I will get to a place where I can talk about it with the people I am close to. But I am not there yet.

nez

If you get to that place, great! But it is not necessary either. It is only important that you know.

ColoradoRocky

Oh good, very good. Okay. That's a good start. I was afraid you were completely isolated. Isolation kills.

Ringside

In my experience, telling friends “I’m not drinking” carried with it the strong implication that I would resume drinking at a later date (which I always did). I had to stop giving myself wiggle room because I would always take advantage of it. So now my friends that I think should know are aware that I don’t drink anymore and I intend that to be a permanent state of affairs. And they are happy for me, which is really cool! Just my experience, good luck to you!

FreshStartOk

I think NicLins post is similar. I'm not sure if I forget, I suspect it might be a case of self deception, and arrogance tbh - you think of yourself as fairly clever and you can outwit this problem. Unfortunately I don't think it cares how clever you might be!

And it might sound strange but fear is not always unhealthy. Sure if you worry yourself to death about fairly unimportant things that's not good, or things you have no control over, but cultivating legitmate fear about dangers is different.

Ladybug47