And it all came crashing down
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Location: Gainesville, Fl
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And it all came crashing down
I'd get sober by myself for a month or two, relapse, and repeat over the last year. I wanted to be sober, but I never really took it seriously. I went to AA meetings and never felt comfortable and openly said they wouldn't work for me. I'd lost my faith long ago, so church was out. I had started seeing a substance abuse counselor, and my last relapse came a couple weeks ago when it all truly came to a head. Something in me truly cracked emotionally. The feelings I've occasionally voiced, but mostly held inside, the feelings that are the cause of my relapses, came out in full force and I couldn't take it. After a week long bender, I'm honestly surprised I woke up at all.
I did something I didn't have the courage to do before. I got a ride and checked myself into a detox and rehab facility down the road. The care, attentiveness, and perspective shown by all there completely changed my outlook on life. It helped that the therapists, half the nurses, and even a couple of the attending Drs were all in recovery themselves. But finally someone (a few of them, actually) opened my eyes by speaking to me in a way that I could relate to and put me on a path I didn't think were possible for myself.
I've attended AA every day since I got out and through the direction of a couple rehab visitors, I found a few groups where I feel comfortable and I'll soon choose to have a sponsor. I even went to church this morning for the first time in 25 years (that didn't involve a funeral) and I actually felt moved. These are things I thought impossible for years out of my anger and self loathing. By coincidence or fate, the Pastor spoke of how we'll always fail when we try to go at things alone because people need others to help them succeed. Many of the words he said, it's like he was IN my therapy sessions in rehab. I'll still never believe in divinity, but that by no means in the message and love taught there.
Very soon I'll be starting IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy). 3 hours a day, 3 nights a week. Honestly it scares the heck out of me because of the feelings and loneliness that I blame for relapsing. And unfortunately, I have to see my ex wife because we share a child together. I still dream about her and I wake up woefully depressed. But with the power of others supporting me, I shall not succumb again. Hopefully.
I did something I didn't have the courage to do before. I got a ride and checked myself into a detox and rehab facility down the road. The care, attentiveness, and perspective shown by all there completely changed my outlook on life. It helped that the therapists, half the nurses, and even a couple of the attending Drs were all in recovery themselves. But finally someone (a few of them, actually) opened my eyes by speaking to me in a way that I could relate to and put me on a path I didn't think were possible for myself.
I've attended AA every day since I got out and through the direction of a couple rehab visitors, I found a few groups where I feel comfortable and I'll soon choose to have a sponsor. I even went to church this morning for the first time in 25 years (that didn't involve a funeral) and I actually felt moved. These are things I thought impossible for years out of my anger and self loathing. By coincidence or fate, the Pastor spoke of how we'll always fail when we try to go at things alone because people need others to help them succeed. Many of the words he said, it's like he was IN my therapy sessions in rehab. I'll still never believe in divinity, but that by no means in the message and love taught there.
Very soon I'll be starting IOP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy). 3 hours a day, 3 nights a week. Honestly it scares the heck out of me because of the feelings and loneliness that I blame for relapsing. And unfortunately, I have to see my ex wife because we share a child together. I still dream about her and I wake up woefully depressed. But with the power of others supporting me, I shall not succumb again. Hopefully.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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That was the only benefit of my benders between sober stretches. I was sober for her.....at least 95% of the time. But she still knows where I was and why. That part was kinda painful, but she's only 8. They just kinda roll with it at that age.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
Continue to do the footwork in recovery and
life and things will begin to fall into place.
So many miracles have and do happen everyday,
so dont lose faith in yourself and the process of
recovery.
Hold tight to your recovery lifelines and remain
openminded, willing and honest as you move forward
on your journey building a strong solid foundation
to live upon day after day.
Support, care and understanding coming your way.
life and things will begin to fall into place.
So many miracles have and do happen everyday,
so dont lose faith in yourself and the process of
recovery.
Hold tight to your recovery lifelines and remain
openminded, willing and honest as you move forward
on your journey building a strong solid foundation
to live upon day after day.
Support, care and understanding coming your way.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by August252015 
That is the best news you could share, abgator! Proud of you and glad you are here with us.
Now I'm just waiting to see if my insurance decides if they want to cover it or not
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Originally Posted by SoberRican
Keep plugging away at it my friend . This sober thing is awesome I'm digging it. So much so im at 128 days . never in my wildest dreams ✌
I'm lucky enough to have an amazing boss who's understanding and just wants me to get better, so my job is safe. I'm working from home part time right now, as I still have some brain fog. Just put in a good hour of cardio at the gym. It doesn't take away the depressing thoughts in my head, but it certainly helps alleviate the pressure.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 451
Hi abgator, great post and welcome. It sounds to me like you are taking the right approach. Given time, you won't be waking up depressed. I had a chaotic relationship with booze and I too have a child (he is 18) so can relate to the 95% statement above. Hang in there, it does get easier as you become more confident in your sobriety. Life has a strange way of rebuilding things quicker than expected. I am approaching 2 years and would not change a thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Gator -
You can't imagine what kind of wonderful news this is.
The thing about AA, for me, has been to not worry about whether I like it, whether I seem to fit in with the group(s), how I feel, etc.
It has been about what I am doing to work the 12 Steps.
If I am doing the right things, which I have tried to do on a daily basis for a long, long time, I begin to feel better, I begin to know how to properly handle circumstances, and I begin to develop true, honest relationships with others.
You are following the same path that I did (treatment and AA), which makes me particularly hopeful for you.
It seems that your heart has changed and that you are now willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.
That willingness is a gift.
BTW, the longest I have ever been able to stay sober in AA is 1 day, but there have been a good many of them, in sequence, since I undertook to do what you are doing now.
Glad you're here, brother.
As an aside, I'm a 1983 graduate of UF.
You can't imagine what kind of wonderful news this is.
The thing about AA, for me, has been to not worry about whether I like it, whether I seem to fit in with the group(s), how I feel, etc.
It has been about what I am doing to work the 12 Steps.
If I am doing the right things, which I have tried to do on a daily basis for a long, long time, I begin to feel better, I begin to know how to properly handle circumstances, and I begin to develop true, honest relationships with others.
You are following the same path that I did (treatment and AA), which makes me particularly hopeful for you.
It seems that your heart has changed and that you are now willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.
That willingness is a gift.
BTW, the longest I have ever been able to stay sober in AA is 1 day, but there have been a good many of them, in sequence, since I undertook to do what you are doing now.
Glad you're here, brother.
As an aside, I'm a 1983 graduate of UF.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Thanks.
A little bad news is that there was a miscommunication with the rehab place and my insurance on what they told me would be covered under intensive outpatient. My copay is $450 a day at 3x/week. F. That.
So it's just AA, the 12 steps, and a therapist. I'm still hopeful though and in fairly good spirits. It'll be better once this pesky insomnia thing gets worked out.
Go Gators!
A little bad news is that there was a miscommunication with the rehab place and my insurance on what they told me would be covered under intensive outpatient. My copay is $450 a day at 3x/week. F. That.
So it's just AA, the 12 steps, and a therapist. I'm still hopeful though and in fairly good spirits. It'll be better once this pesky insomnia thing gets worked out.
Go Gators!
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