Resentment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
Resentment
I am in a pickle. My mother passed away 3 months ago. I am now the principal carer of my mentally disabled sister. I work full time and have full time alternate carers who are brilliant with my sister.
The difficulty is that my sister refuses to stay with them alone at night. There is no logical reason for this other than her inherent stubbornness and being used to alway have things her way. She is not capable of rational thought and reasoning with her is impossible.
It suits me at the moment not to socialise much. However I sometimes do have to go out for work related matters. I also like to play bridge once a week and like to go to concerts alone from time to time. All of this is now impossible. The scenes and tantrums and upheaval is just not worth it.
I feel extremely resentful. For the last two years I was house bound with my mother’s dementia. My way of escape was several whiskeys every night. That ended badly and in complete addiction with daily withdrawals etc. I can and will never go there again.
I do not know how to deal with this resentment. I realise my sister can not help who she is. I feel completely trapped. It seems like the only option is to look at the serenity prayer and accept the things I cannot change.
What I am really asking is how do I overcome this resentment. It is a horrible feeling.
The difficulty is that my sister refuses to stay with them alone at night. There is no logical reason for this other than her inherent stubbornness and being used to alway have things her way. She is not capable of rational thought and reasoning with her is impossible.
It suits me at the moment not to socialise much. However I sometimes do have to go out for work related matters. I also like to play bridge once a week and like to go to concerts alone from time to time. All of this is now impossible. The scenes and tantrums and upheaval is just not worth it.
I feel extremely resentful. For the last two years I was house bound with my mother’s dementia. My way of escape was several whiskeys every night. That ended badly and in complete addiction with daily withdrawals etc. I can and will never go there again.
I do not know how to deal with this resentment. I realise my sister can not help who she is. I feel completely trapped. It seems like the only option is to look at the serenity prayer and accept the things I cannot change.
What I am really asking is how do I overcome this resentment. It is a horrible feeling.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
...the wisdom to know the difference. Do you think your sister will die if she’s left alone with the carers? Is your sobriety at risk? My guess is she will not die if you are not there. I also think that your sobriety should be priority #1.
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Best wishes.
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 115
I don't know what to I can contribute except *sending hugs*
It's a tough one, but I really think you need to put yourself first at times. After all what will happen to your sister if you are not around/ or she picks up on your resentment? Maybe gradually introduce a new routine for her which gets her used to you going out? After all, you need time to re-charge YOU
It's a tough one, but I really think you need to put yourself first at times. After all what will happen to your sister if you are not around/ or she picks up on your resentment? Maybe gradually introduce a new routine for her which gets her used to you going out? After all, you need time to re-charge YOU
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Being a carer is a tough job especially when the one you care for is not well disposed to change.
My friend has a downs syndrome brother. Their mother is getting on in years and the mum frankly needed a break every now and then.
He didn't like being left with other people in the beginning...but he loves it now.
He's learnt drumming, singing, fishing and a lot of other sports through various community agencies.
For the resentment? I'm a prayer guy so prayer is my go to for resentment. I pray that I might be able to put myself in others shoes and remember that my life has is blessings.
I realise thats not everyones remedy....so I hope you'll get some other suggestions as well Callas
D
My friend has a downs syndrome brother. Their mother is getting on in years and the mum frankly needed a break every now and then.
He didn't like being left with other people in the beginning...but he loves it now.
He's learnt drumming, singing, fishing and a lot of other sports through various community agencies.
For the resentment? I'm a prayer guy so prayer is my go to for resentment. I pray that I might be able to put myself in others shoes and remember that my life has is blessings.
I realise thats not everyones remedy....so I hope you'll get some other suggestions as well Callas
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,151
Originally Posted by Callas 
I do not know how to deal with this resentment. I realise my sister can not help who she is. I feel completely trapped. It seems like the only option is to look at the serenity prayer and accept the things I cannot change.
What I am really asking is how do I overcome this resentment. It is a horrible feeling.
I remember telling a friend about taking care of an elderly aunt. I wasn't at a resentful point, but just telling him about it. I was actually kind of proud of myself and was surprised when he added, "...and no matter what you do, someone is going to be pissed about it." Eventually, sure enough, he was right, and disagreements would arise about choices even with people who weren't involved, not offering to help, and were a thousand miles away. All we can do is try to handle it with grace.
Care giving is hard, sometimes thankless, but we do it because it's the right thing to do, and in all of the confusion, there are still parts of it that can give us personal satisfaction.
Professional care givers, while they may be eager to help, have to set limits too. They need time away, and they probably deserve it more than others. You may have to do this too, and it's probably going to involve setting limits on your sister. I get it. She has problems, but people with problems don't get to have it all their own way either. I'm not saying this might be easy. Maybe not even possible, but you are doing something important and necessary.
You will keep thinking about your situation. Push the resentment out of it, and eventually, I'm guessing you will come up with something. It won't be perfect, but it will help. Resentments only cloud those little blessings of helpful insight.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hi Callas - so here's my $0.02 ish.
Right now, I'm the one being cared for primarily by my husband, who is an excellent caregiver. I had back surgery a week ago Fri and am doing quite well under the nature of it having been major surgery (a spinal fusion) and the specific limitations of this first 2 wk period and for the next 6 mo.
I have done my best to factor in his need for his own time. Keep to his meetings, a work day with only text communication (tho he preferred coming home midday), others to walk the dogs, so on. Perhaps I do this because...
I've been on the opposite end. Primarily as the secondary support person.
My suggestion to you is what I would hope to do as the caretaker, now, and centered on my recovery. Boundaries.
I would talk to my sister, and my mother. I would say that I had to have one night a week off, and one other night to perhaps play bridge or even go to a movie. I would let "them deal with that."
Important note: this would be difficult to an extent, but learning to say yes and no, particularly in light of both giving and receiving service, is an essential part for my emotional sobriety. That far precedes my physical sobriety, and its breaking down would lead to the physical part, eventually.
It's a tough place you are in, and I empathize. I do urge you to stand up for specific boundaries you well deserve. Take care.
Right now, I'm the one being cared for primarily by my husband, who is an excellent caregiver. I had back surgery a week ago Fri and am doing quite well under the nature of it having been major surgery (a spinal fusion) and the specific limitations of this first 2 wk period and for the next 6 mo.
I have done my best to factor in his need for his own time. Keep to his meetings, a work day with only text communication (tho he preferred coming home midday), others to walk the dogs, so on. Perhaps I do this because...
I've been on the opposite end. Primarily as the secondary support person.
My suggestion to you is what I would hope to do as the caretaker, now, and centered on my recovery. Boundaries.
I would talk to my sister, and my mother. I would say that I had to have one night a week off, and one other night to perhaps play bridge or even go to a movie. I would let "them deal with that."
Important note: this would be difficult to an extent, but learning to say yes and no, particularly in light of both giving and receiving service, is an essential part for my emotional sobriety. That far precedes my physical sobriety, and its breaking down would lead to the physical part, eventually.
It's a tough place you are in, and I empathize. I do urge you to stand up for specific boundaries you well deserve. Take care.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
