New member/son addicted
 

Hello everyone. Guess I'm looking for answers/help on dealing with my son's addictions. My son is 35 yrs old and has been addicted since he was 16. It started with Oxycontin and progressed to heroin. He was shooting the heroin. I had him in 5-6 rehabs when young. He was kicked out of them all. He finally got Federal Prison time in 2008 and spent 2 yrs inside. He was released in 2011. He did well after coming out. He had a job and an apt. He started drinking and things began to slide. He is now in jail 2 hours from me. He has Poss. of Meth, Poss. of unlawful Proscriptions, Poss of THC and 2 counts drug para. He tried to commit suicide in the jail a few days ago. They had to bring him in to get metal removed from his throat. His bond 10% if 30 grand, 3,000. I refuse to bail him out. I figure he can't use in there and they can keep an eye on his suicide attempts. I am so at the end of my rope being I've dealt with this for 20 yrs now. He's in the rage stage of saying I'm a bad parent since I won't help him. He uses suicide to manipulate me. I'm divorced from his father due to his father being an addict also. His dad no help in this and usually makes it worse. I'm having trouble throwing in the towel on my child.:headbange

Sorry for what brings you here. Must be heartbreaking.

You've given it 20 years...and you haven't be able to get him clean. Time to hand the job over to him and accept that he's capable of getting clean if he wants to. And if not, that's not on you.

welcome,yooper.
ya dont have to throw the towel in on your son. you can support him in a way that isnt enabling, which how to support him can be learned over in the friends and family of substance abusers and alcoholics sub forum here.
enabling, OTOH, is where tossin the towel in is a good idea.
the true thing people did when they thought they were helping me was helped to dig my grave.

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation and I hope your son makes the decision to change his life.

I'm glad you're ready to start looking out for yourself. Have you considered AlAnon in your area as a support for you?

Yes I have considered Nar-Alonon. Started researching my area. I'm in a small farming community so things sparse here for help. Closest is a 30 mile ride. I'm also trying to navigate my Employee benefits and find a therapist. The closest I can find who takes my insurance is a good hour drive away.

yooper,

As the sibling of an addict whose story is similar to your son’s +15 more years of heartache, I support your decision to limit the help you are providing.. I’ve seen this from a different perspective...my parents, now in their mid-seventies, continue to suffer the consequences of by brother’s self destructive behavior. It has affected every aspect of their lives. And their assistance and enabling hasn’t changed his using, not using, drama, suicide attempts, etc. one bit.

You’ll find lots of support on Friends and Families forum. I just wanted to say that I wish my parents had reconsidered their choices in this years ago. And if let to suffer the consequences of his behavior, there is a chance that my brother would have made different choice. It really is ok to look out for yourself.
Best wishes,
-bora

This is a wonderful community for support and understanding Yooper - I'm really glad you've found us - welcome! :)

D

Hello yooper01,

It sounds like you're making the right decision regarding not bailing him out. Only he will know when he's ready to stop using and as much as you may want him to stop he may be far from ready. If he gets prison time hopefully the facility that he ends up in has substance misuse programs he can attend.

You're not a bad parent. The only reason he is saying that is because you are no longer enabling him. Throwing in the towel may be the best thing you can do for your son right now. It's going to be really difficult but if you cut yourself out of his life he may hit bottom faster. He may not. But not enabling him is a positive step.

Natom

I am so sorry for your situation. You are doing the right thing by not bailing him out.
I don't think a single person who has recovered would disagree with your decision.

Agree 100%

Welcome to SR! I am a Mom of an RA who started with heroin at age 20 and proceeded to steal, rob, lie and cheat his way through the next 5 years. It took me TIME to actually understand how I was enabling this behavior, and then once I actually backed off and let JJ feel the consequences of his actions, did he really work on making the changes he needed for HIS life. You are doing just fine. I agree on how exhausting it is each time they relapse after getting clean in rehab. There is hope however! JJ has 2 years 3 months clean but this is 100% about his choice to get sober, I am just enjoying the fruits of his labor. Hugs and keep posting, we do understand!

Ilovemysonjj- I have been through the stealing, robbing and lies. At one point I had a Lateral release done on my right leg. It was huge and just black from surgery. They prescribed pain patches for me. He acted like he was putting the patches on but slipped a blank piece of plastic under the tape. He used the patches and watched me sob in pain for a wk. I had to lock up meds and valuables. I won't let him live at my home any more. I'm scared to go pack up his duplex. I heard rumors he was doing robberies. I don't wish to be caught with any of that stuff. Who knows what he has tucked into things. My son was clean for about 3-4 yrs. Then started visiting his home town and friends that use. Wasn't long and things got going again.

Welcome to the family Yooper. :grouphug: You're not a bad parent, he's just trying to guilt you into bailing him out - again. :( I hope he decides to get clean. :hug: Check out our 'friends and family' forums for support for yourself. :hug:

Hugs Yooper. Drugs take our their minds, souls and body.