I'll be honest: I don't get the big deal about the steps
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I think plans and commitment to them are important. I read recently that some study found that alcoholics fighting cravings experience relief the moment they decide to drink. The actual drink may still be 24 hours away, but having made a plan actually brings relief. I'm not sure planning to drink has a practical application in recovery, although it may help delay the drink. Off the top of my head, it sounds like a bad plan, but committing to a plan of action, be it the 12 steps or a secular approach to self discovery, may be more helpful than you think.
Have you ever been in a dilema, not knowing which action to choose? You can fret and worry about it for days or weeks. Finally, you make a decision. You don't even know if the decision will turn out to be the best one, but just making the decision outlines a plan, and the stress goes away, even before you've done anything.
When I joined AA, it wasn't my first choice, but I felt out of options, and the first meeting was actually enjoyable. I was there, and since I had got that far, which was actually a huge step for me, I decided not to waste my time, but to actually follow the suggestions. Now I don't know if I committed any more or less to the program than anyone else, but I was willing to give it an honest shot, because I'll be damned if I was just going to go there for an hour a night and not do anything.
I didn't do the steps formally with a sponsor. I didn't have a sponsor yet, and I didn't do them in order, but only when working a step applied to my life at that time. Everyday, life presents uncountable situations where aspects of the steps become appropriate to consider and work.
But I'm heading toward something else right now, the important part of all this was that I think it may have played an important role early on in what other's call the "miracle" that happens. Very quickly, around 5 days, I started to know that I was done drinking. By 10 days, I knew it for sure, and it was an elation. Why did it happen? Why so quickly? I think it may have been because it was the first time I actually had a plan to solve my drinking problem, because I started sensing the effects before I actually had enough time to really do much of anything. Before that, my plan was always, "I've got to ease up on my drinking," which all of us here recognize as something impossible for alkies. In addition to having a plan, I adopted the concept of lifelong abstinence, because that was part of the program, but certainly nothing I would have chosen on my own.
The only thing I did was set a direction. I didn't even have time to set out, but the "miracle" was already happening. I'm only speculating on this, but my theory does reflect other experiences I've had with adopting plans, and the feeling of well being that comes from that.
Have you ever been in a dilema, not knowing which action to choose? You can fret and worry about it for days or weeks. Finally, you make a decision. You don't even know if the decision will turn out to be the best one, but just making the decision outlines a plan, and the stress goes away, even before you've done anything.
When I joined AA, it wasn't my first choice, but I felt out of options, and the first meeting was actually enjoyable. I was there, and since I had got that far, which was actually a huge step for me, I decided not to waste my time, but to actually follow the suggestions. Now I don't know if I committed any more or less to the program than anyone else, but I was willing to give it an honest shot, because I'll be damned if I was just going to go there for an hour a night and not do anything.
I didn't do the steps formally with a sponsor. I didn't have a sponsor yet, and I didn't do them in order, but only when working a step applied to my life at that time. Everyday, life presents uncountable situations where aspects of the steps become appropriate to consider and work.
But I'm heading toward something else right now, the important part of all this was that I think it may have played an important role early on in what other's call the "miracle" that happens. Very quickly, around 5 days, I started to know that I was done drinking. By 10 days, I knew it for sure, and it was an elation. Why did it happen? Why so quickly? I think it may have been because it was the first time I actually had a plan to solve my drinking problem, because I started sensing the effects before I actually had enough time to really do much of anything. Before that, my plan was always, "I've got to ease up on my drinking," which all of us here recognize as something impossible for alkies. In addition to having a plan, I adopted the concept of lifelong abstinence, because that was part of the program, but certainly nothing I would have chosen on my own.
The only thing I did was set a direction. I didn't even have time to set out, but the "miracle" was already happening. I'm only speculating on this, but my theory does reflect other experiences I've had with adopting plans, and the feeling of well being that comes from that.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
How are the AA meetings going? Maybe a Beginner's Meeting is right for you. You live a short train ride away from what I consider the greatest city on Earth--take advantage of all the resources available!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Pressme, whether you intended to or not, you started a really great thread. I’m grateful you asked the question. I hope after reading these responses you get a better sense about what the steps are all about.
And best of of luck in your own personal journey.
And best of of luck in your own personal journey.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Press,
Your question shows honesty and openness, two things that are critical in any recovery plan.
Making judgement about the steps before DOING the steps is a super common pitfall among us alkies. One can decide not to do them, fair enough. But prejududging... that’s alkie brain trying to get out of recovery in my opinion.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity. I think if you satisfy your curiosity by doing the steps, you’ll likely have a different view.
For me, there was no obvious magical moment. I got to step 4, agonized myself darn near out of the program, then realized it was progress not perfection and did the best I could. That right there would end up being the beginning of my psychic shift.
Then I did what I could, the best I could, and got through them all. Step 12 is why I’m here now. Talking to folks.
I never had that magical moment of clarity. I never had that magical “spiritual awakening.” I thought maybe I’d done them wrong.
But I was freed from my obsession with alcohol. I’d stopped drinking almost a year before finally doing the steps. I’d thought I was doing pretty well. But that freedom the steps gave me made me realize is been white knuckling for so long... that freedom was and is a huge relief.
Your question shows honesty and openness, two things that are critical in any recovery plan.
Making judgement about the steps before DOING the steps is a super common pitfall among us alkies. One can decide not to do them, fair enough. But prejududging... that’s alkie brain trying to get out of recovery in my opinion.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with curiosity. I think if you satisfy your curiosity by doing the steps, you’ll likely have a different view.
For me, there was no obvious magical moment. I got to step 4, agonized myself darn near out of the program, then realized it was progress not perfection and did the best I could. That right there would end up being the beginning of my psychic shift.
Then I did what I could, the best I could, and got through them all. Step 12 is why I’m here now. Talking to folks.
I never had that magical moment of clarity. I never had that magical “spiritual awakening.” I thought maybe I’d done them wrong.
But I was freed from my obsession with alcohol. I’d stopped drinking almost a year before finally doing the steps. I’d thought I was doing pretty well. But that freedom the steps gave me made me realize is been white knuckling for so long... that freedom was and is a huge relief.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
In my early sobriety I was sharing some of my smutty experiences with the opposite sex, over a coffee with another AA friend. After listening and smiling politely for a while my friend said exactly this "Sex? I've never had it!. I have no idea what you are talking about." My friend later moved to Australia, where I hope he was able to rectify the situation.
Same with the steps. Understanding comes from experience. Nobody likes the look of the steps at the beginning. I certainly didn't and I hoped I might be able to skirt round some of them. So I started with step one, and when I had my step one experience, I immediately saw the need to move on to the next step, then the next. I did all twelve but only because I clearly saw the need through step one.
BTW, I don't want to mislead anyone. Step one alone never kept me sober, it merely made me understand the true nature of my problem.
Same with the steps. Understanding comes from experience. Nobody likes the look of the steps at the beginning. I certainly didn't and I hoped I might be able to skirt round some of them. So I started with step one, and when I had my step one experience, I immediately saw the need to move on to the next step, then the next. I did all twelve but only because I clearly saw the need through step one.
BTW, I don't want to mislead anyone. Step one alone never kept me sober, it merely made me understand the true nature of my problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt 
I keep trying to think of a reply to all of this.
How about, "Gee willikers, if everybody's so dang convinced there's something to them there steps, what the heck, maybe I'll jump in and give 'em a shot."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt
I keep trying to think of a reply to all of this.
Most people who stop drinking do so without a program. These silent types may have some sort of self sufficiency and don't require outside help. They apparently do fine without a preexisting program, or a series of 12 numbered steps. They probably have some sort of goal or plan, even if it's not as formalized as it would be in a pre-designed self help program, but they get sober, which I believe should be the primary objective.
When you started this whole reaching out thing, your goal was to do something about your drinking. It should still be your goal, and you should at least realize from your stay here that total abstinence is the way to get there. Maybe you just need to do that, and when the dust settles, you can start a process of self improvement. This could be the12 steps of AA or 17 steps of your own making. Maybe you will be fine with yourself from just not drinking.
But let's get the big one out of the way. Can it be done without the 12 steps? Sure, it's not the only way, and many have done it before you. What comes after that, if anything, can be up to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Once I became willing to believe that the process had indeed worked for some people because I could see it in their approach to life, I began to believe it might possibly work for me. This willingness allowed me to to begin work. Part of the work was to trust the process, participate in the process, and to allow the process to happen without my supervision.
The only way I was ever going to know, was by doing. So I did. The only thing I had to lose by doing...was my misery.
The results for me have nothing short of magical (AKA extraordinary, fascinating, wonderful, awesome, unbelievable, life changing, enlightening, whatever word you want to insert).
The only way I was ever going to know, was by doing. So I did. The only thing I had to lose by doing...was my misery.
The results for me have nothing short of magical (AKA extraordinary, fascinating, wonderful, awesome, unbelievable, life changing, enlightening, whatever word you want to insert).
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
In my early sobriety I was sharing some of my smutty experiences with the opposite sex, over a coffee with another AA friend. After listening and smiling politely for a while my friend said exactly this "Sex? I've never had it!. I have no idea what you are talking about."
Another way of looking at this was possibly someone dealing with oversharing with great humor!
Dry humor. Twisted humor. Whatever it takes to enjoy the moment. Life is full of playfulness and new ways of viewing things.
Another way of looking at this was possibly someone dealing with oversharing with great humor!
Dry humor. Twisted humor. Whatever it takes to enjoy the moment. Life is full of playfulness and new ways of viewing things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by Pressmetilihurt
I think I'm a pretty good person. But I'm morose, self pitying, bitter, hot tempered, jealous, judgemental, fearful, selfish at times, people pleasing (dishonest), self obsessed... Run of the mill misery. I think the steps are about me worrying less about me and more about helping you. I do wish I could take off this heavy "me" coat sometimes. I want a fresh start.
I had the very same questions, doubts, etc. when I first started working the 12 Steps.
The promises occur if we rigorously work the first 9 Steps, so you don't need to be concerned with how you feel until you have done so.
AA is a plan of action. We do things, namely, working the 12 Steps.
We don't focus on how we feel, because feelings are ephemeral.
What we do is something that needs to be a daily objective on our part.
I urge you to work Step 1 with your sponsor and then move on to Step 2 and thereafter the rest of the Steps in the sequence in which they are listed.
You don't have to understand how they work.
Bill Wilson testified before a Congressional subcommittee about alcoholism and AA.
When a Congressman asked how AA worked, Bill replied "very well".
That's been the case with me.
I try to commit myself to God each day and work the Steps, particularly Steps 1, 3, 7 and 11.
Keep us posted - we're very happy you're here with us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by SoberCAH
...
Bill Wilson testified before a Congressional subcommittee about alcoholism and AA.
When a Congressman asked how AA worked, Bill replied "very well".
....
Bill Wilson testified before a Congressional subcommittee about alcoholism and AA.
When a Congressman asked how AA worked, Bill replied "very well".
....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
I speak only for myself.
If this ain't magic, I don't know what is.
Page 83 - 84.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of useless and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
If this ain't magic, I don't know what is.
Page 83 - 84.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of useless and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I love those promises but for a long time I didn't understand the point at which they kick in. Half way through meant half way through step 9,. I thought it meant halfway to step 9 as in they should happen at step 4 1/2.
There are promises with most of the steps but, you know, when I first read the book I didn't notice them because they were talking about things I had not experienced. A new happiness? Never really had an old happiness. They were just words.
Imagine my surprise when I took step five, had the experience, and then read about my experience in the big book step five promises. Totally blew me away
There are promises with most of the steps but, you know, when I first read the book I didn't notice them because they were talking about things I had not experienced. A new happiness? Never really had an old happiness. They were just words.
Imagine my surprise when I took step five, had the experience, and then read about my experience in the big book step five promises. Totally blew me away
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
The steps were magic for me. I was 25 when I went to AA the first time. I was 50 when I finally stayed stopped because I worked those steps. They helped me feel okay in my own skin; the same thing alcohol did, but alcohol was killing me. I can't explain the magic, but my desire and obsession to drink or use was taken away completely. I have had no need to drink alcohol since then. I do re-work the 12 steps on occasion just to see what's going on today.
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