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Disgusted at Myself

Old 09-02-2019, 06:40 PM
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Welcome, Harry. AUD is causing issues in your life, and it's good that you realize this and are looking to stop drinking for good. I will tell you that drinking to excess is never a good thing, and for your physical and mental health it's time to give it a rest; it is possible to keep drinking for a number of years and be able to handle it--until you suddenly can't. I never thought I would ever be the kind of drinker who had hallucinations and had to go to detox and rehab-until I did. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but alcohol can take you to some of the lowest places imaginable, and you don't have to be a daily drinker to get there--you can salvage your marriage with a commitment to not drink; best to quit now. I've been sober for nearly 4 years and I never want to go back. I am very glad that you found us and I hope you continue to post and read the wisdom to be had on these pages.
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Old 09-02-2019, 06:46 PM
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Agree with what AAPJ said on the AUD. Regardless of the terminology, most of us here and everywhere, in this situation have tried a billion times to moderate. We’ve found complete abstinence is so much easier and life is so much better without any alcohol at all. I hope you will consider this
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Old 09-02-2019, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Welcome!

Alcoholic is just a term. And, alcoholism isn't based on how often you drink, or even how much you drink. It's about what happens to you when you drink. It sounds to me like you can't stop drinking when you start and that you become someone you don't like when you're drinking. Fwiw, that's alcoholism.
Hi Anna...well you nailed it with the bolded sentence. That is my issue in a nutshell. I can go 2-6 months between incidents but the incidents still occur. And they threaten my marriage and my job too. I used to always think, “at least I’m not one of those alcoholics” like the guy from Leaving Las Vegas. Well that feels like cold comfort now.
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Old 09-02-2019, 07:45 PM
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Hello again, Harry.

Me, I was a daily maintenance drinker, but I've known wicked bad alcoholics who drank only two or three times a year and managed to destroy their lives that way.

I'd recommend avoiding comparisons. There's always somebody "worse off" than you are, and somebody "better off." Doesn't matter. Geez, I knew a guy who jumped off a 250-ft bridge into the river, lived, spent six months in the hospital, and when he was released hailed a cab and headed straight for...are you ready for this?... the liquor store!

I'd also recommend avoiding tying your drinking or not drinking to any external elements like a job, a wife, a child, or anything else for that matter. Very shaky ground. For me, and a lot of men and women I've known over the years, that's a recipe for disaster.

What happens when the job, the wife, the child don't come through with their end of the "bargain?" Like you get fired or, God forbid, the wife wants a divorce anyway? You start drinking again? No no no.

Stop drinking because you believe in your heart you can't control your drinking.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by ColoradoRocky View Post
Hello again, Harry.

Me, I was a daily maintenance drinker, but I've known wicked bad alcoholics who drank only two or three times a year and managed to destroy their lives that way.

I'd recommend avoiding comparisons. There's always somebody "worse off" than you are, and somebody "better off." Doesn't matter. Geez, I knew a guy who jumped off a 250-ft bridge into the river, lived, spent six months in the hospital, and when he was released hailed a cab and headed straight for...are you ready for this?... the liquor store!

I'd also recommend avoiding tying your drinking or not drinking to any external elements like a job, a wife, a child, or anything else for that matter. Very shaky ground. For me, and a lot of men and women I've known over the years, that's a recipe for disaster.

What happens when the job, the wife, the child don't come through with their end of the "bargain?" Like you get fired or, God forbid, the wife wants a divorce anyway? You start drinking again? No no no.

Stop drinking because you believe in your heart you can't control your drinking.
Whoa...I never thought of that. It was forming up into my head to be sort of bargain. I even asked my wife to give me “one more chance” to get this right. I never thought that tying it to the external event (marriage staying intact) could be risky. Thank you very much for pointing that out. I need to stay sober for me, not as part of some deal.
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:50 AM
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I agree that it's absolutely essential to do this for yourself. Of course, you are also doing it for your family, but the main focus must be that you want to be sober and to live the best life you can.
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Old 09-03-2019, 09:30 AM
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It sounds like you know what the problem is, what you can't do, and what you need to do. The next step is to commit yourself to not drinking, and you've done that for periods of time, so you know you can get that part of the solution right, although not permanently, and I think that's why you are having problems. For an alcoholic, not drinking doesn't count when it's something you do for a week or a month. It has to be for good. That is forever, as in never.

I know how absolutely horrible this must sound to you because you want to be like a normal person, and never drinking sounds like a life sentence. There's got to be a better way, right? Can't I have just a couple of drinks, maybe once every 5 years or so, just to recapture that old feeling? Well, you know from experience that what you will recapture is loss of control and remorse, so you should realize that never drinking again is your only way out of this mess.

You articulate your limitations quite clearly. Reading your post I found myself asking, "Knowing the problem as well as he does, why doesn't this guy just quit?" Bill Wilson talks about the trials and tribulations of alcoholics in the futile search to find an easier softer way to do something about their drinking. He makes it sound like such a way doesn't exist. But in fact there is an easier softer way, and I found it. It's life long abstinence, and all you have to to is accept it. Think of it as a gift.

Once you are committed to life long abstinence, the perception that it requires a sacrifice changes. And the knowledge that I don't ever have to drink again is a wonderful relief that I never saw coming before I actually quit. I'm now celebrating 24 years sober, and it's wonderful. Sacrifice? What's the sacrifice? Nothing was lost. It's all a gain.
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Old 09-03-2019, 09:44 AM
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Wow brother us folks here threw some hardcore advise, suggestions at ya. Pretty cool stuff actually. Why? Cause we as a sober family care about all brothers and sisters that are struggling with this crap. Me included. Do yourself a favor brother. Throw the towel in before its too late. ✌
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post


Whoa...I never thought of that. It was forming up into my head to be sort of bargain. I even asked my wife to give me “one more chance” to get this right. I never thought that tying it to the external event (marriage staying intact) could be risky. Thank you very much for pointing that out. I need to stay sober for me, not as part of some deal.

Bingo.
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
...I'm now celebrating 24 years sober...
I knew there was something about you I recognized!
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Old 09-03-2019, 10:36 AM
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What reward does the first drink bring?
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Old 09-03-2019, 11:02 AM
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You definitely hit the criteria for an alcoholic according to Alcoholics Anonymous’ definition.
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Old 09-03-2019, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by SoberRican View Post
Wow brother us folks here threw some hardcore advise, suggestions at ya. Pretty cool stuff actually. Why? Cause we as a sober family care about all brothers and sisters that are struggling with this crap. Me included. Do yourself a favor brother. Throw the towel in before its too late. ✌
A lot of hardcore advise was thrown, but I appreciate all of it. The plan is to throw in the towel with drinking. Just hope my marriage didn’t get thrown out with as well. We were in the middle of trying for a second kid and my wife said yesterday morning “I don’t even want to bring another child into this world with you like this.” That stings. But no one to blame but myself.
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Old 09-03-2019, 02:14 PM
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Not sure how you reacted to your wife's statement, but the right answer right now is, "I can't blame you for feeling that way. And I know it's not reasonable for you to take me on my word right now because I've made promises before and failed. I realize I need to take some action, and here's what I plan to do..."

...insert your action plan here. Are you willing to commit to posting here daily? Are you willing to go to AA meetings for at least x times? Are you willing to research various stop-drinking methods? (AVRT is a good one, in my estimation - it's what DriGuy alludes to, even if he didn't read the book.) Are you willing to take antabuse every day for six months or even a year in the presence of your wife? (It will/should make you violently ill if you do drink.)

Of course, this is just one former wife's advise. Take it with a grain of salt. If you opt to share an action plan with her, it should be something that you are actually willing and able to commit to in the long-term; watch out for the over-promise/under-deliver equation - that's a surefire way to lose trust. Better to make no promises at all than to do that.
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Old 09-04-2019, 04:41 AM
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Originally Posted by DriGuy View Post
It sounds like you know what the problem is, what you can't do, and what you need to do. The next step is to commit yourself to not drinking, and you've done that for periods of time, so you know you can get that part of the solution right, although not permanently, and I think that's why you are having problems. For an alcoholic, not drinking doesn't count when it's something you do for a week or a month. It has to be for good. That is forever, as in never.
Hi DriGuy, The above part is what I’m struggling with. I know I can quit for a set period of time without much of a struggle (3 months, 6 mos, even 9 mos). But then after that period goes by I start getting the comments from people like “why don’t you just have a beer at this BBQ” or “have a glass of champagne at the wedding.” So then after 6 months I go back and have one drink and feel “normal” (not like some alcoholic who has to drink club soda all the time). I figure if I’m disciplined enough to not drink for 6 months, I’ll be disciplined enough to have 1 glass of champagne at a wedding.

Even my aforementioned wife - who hates my binge drinking - says to me during this time period things like “it would be nice to have a glass of wine with you at dinner.”

The problem arises that after a few sessions of drinking only 1 drink and being fine, at some point I will try to go further. Maybe I’ll have 2 glasses of wine or a cocktail and a glass of woe. And then in some of those instances, my brain will short-circuit and all control goes out the window. I can’t predict when and where it will happen but I just won’t care anymore and will start pounding drinks until I pass out (sometimes passing out in a public place and needing the wife or a friend to help me home). Or I get confused out in public and find myself wandering around aimlessly with the wife texting me “where the heck are you?” (Sadly, my wife and sister once had to go on a search party checking bars, hospitals, and the police station looking for me.) But it’s during these episodes when something horrible can happen.

As I type this out it seems so obvious that I can’t drink at all because even though the risk of a catastrophic event is low, it’s still there and I’d be crazy to play with fire with a wife, son, and a good job. And the progression of events is really the “revolving door” that ColoradoRocky talked about earlier.

Anyway thanks for your post. I still have to come to terms with the fact that I need to give it up for good.
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Old 09-04-2019, 05:01 AM
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Abstaining for extended periods of time-even a year or more-was relatively easy for me too.

But abstinence and moderation are two totally different things. That’s the hard truth. Like a former smoker or drug addict, we have permanently rewired our brains/ dopamine receptors so that even a little of the previously abused substance triggers us unpredictably. We may stop at one drink one time at first, but the cravings are set in motion again and relapse creeps up once the door is reopened.

No, I didn’t like hearing that either. The good news is sobriety is really a gift and pleasure once you get though the mental tantrum of “it isn’t fair”.
Now you couldn’t pay me to drink. Life has become full and real now that I don’t escape inside a bottle.

Before I quit, I couldn’t imagine a fun life with friends and in general without alcohol. Life looked bleak and I also wondered how to handle people around me drinking and encouraging me to drink. Now I don’t care and honestly they don’t care nearly as much as I thought they would—Unless they also have a Problem and my abstinence threatens them somehow. Those folks I ignore kindly.

Family does get worn out with relapse and nasty verbal abuse on a binge. I did exactly the same as you and my spouse also drew a line and like you I wasn’t sure if it was already too late. You are playing for big stakes. Your wife is right—Children are harmed by growing up with one or more alcoholic drinkers in the home. My mom was a binge drinker. Guess how I learned how to deal with problems while growing up in an often unpredictable and scary home?
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Old 09-04-2019, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post
[left]
Hi DriGuy, The above part is what I’m struggling with. I know I can quit for a set period of time without much of a struggle (3 months, 6 mos, even 9 mos). But then after that period goes by I start getting the comments from people like “why don’t you just have a beer at this BBQ” or “have a glass of champagne at the wedding.” So then after 6 months I go back and have one drink and feel “normal” (not like some alcoholic who has to drink club soda all the time). I figure if I’m disciplined enough to not drink for 6 months, I’ll be disciplined enough to have 1 glass of champagne at a wedding.
There's a lot in this one paragraph to process, but here are what I have come to accept as facts. Friends who encourage you to drink, are not usually alcoholics. They don't have a clue what it's like to be in recovery. They love you and are sincerely well meaning, but they don't understand your current struggle. Although, some of them may be alcoholics and fear losing you to the light. Part of the problem is they tell you what you want to hear. They describe a non-existent reality where you can drink like a normal person, which is something you desperately want but are not willing to come to terms with.

You want to be normal. What's normal? We don't all have the same physical make up. I can no sooner drink rationally than I could play basketball for the NBA. I don't consider my inability to play forward for the Chicago Bulls something to whine about. I'm not built that way, so I get on with my life. I can't drink normally, either, but like my inability to play professional basketball, I don't consider either one of those as necessary for my happiness.

Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post
Even my aforementioned wife - who hates my binge drinking - says to me during this time period things like “it would be nice to have a glass of wine with you at dinner.”
OMG! and Ouch. The person you love doesn't even get it. You can't have that glass. Don't take advice from normies. Bless their hearts, they can be ignorant beyond belief. They are not dealing with facts. She pictures a romantic candlelight dinner with wine. Both of you have to come to terms with reality, even though the fantasy is more appealing. You can't make her grow out of that, but you can grow out of it yourself. Maybe someday she will understand... or not.

Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post
The problem arises that after a few sessions of drinking only 1 drink and being fine, at some point I will try to go further. Maybe I’ll have 2 glasses of wine or a cocktail and a glass of woe. And then in some of those instances, my brain will short-circuit and all control goes out the window. I can’t predict when and where it will happen but I just won’t care anymore and will start pounding drinks...
This should be in a primer: "Introduction to Relapse 101." That's is the way a relapse starts. Either that or someone consciously decides the day before he's going to wreck his life to punish himself.

You've been sober of 9 months. The last thing you feel like is an alcoholic. You have begun recovery and are feeling what it's like to be normal. In fact, you are normal when you aren't drinking, so it seems totally logical you should be able to drink normally. However, that notion is a logical fallacy. It's a contradiction between what you want and the reality of who you are.

So you decide to test yourself. You have one drink, and you still feel normal. Victory!!! If you can have one, why not two? Two and you're still OK. Hurray again! Just where is the point when you lose control? One, two, five?

Here's what I think. You didn't screw it up at three or five. You didn't screw it up after one. You screwed it up before you took the first sip. In fact, it happened years before you took that first sip. You failed to internalize the most fundamental fact about alcoholism; Alcoholics, no matter how they get to be that way, can't drink normally.

Don't feel bad. We all went through the same denial. Alcoholism/Denial is a commonly referred to pair. It's usually thought of as 'denial to others' as in lying to them and telling them you are fine. But it's most sinister quality is that it is what all of us have done to ourselves before we quit. We failed to face reality and internalize the knowledge of our past experience with how we drink. We failed to understand the most important fact we need to accept. We can't and never will drink normally.

Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post
As I type this out it seems so obvious that I can’t drink at all. Anyway thanks for your post. I still have to come to terms with the fact that I need to give it up for good.
And the sooner you come to terms with that fact the better, because with time, quitting only gets harder. And that is another fact, but this time from "Introduction to Relapse 102," or the second chapter of "Alcoholism for Dummies."
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Old 09-04-2019, 06:18 AM
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Alright, Harry. No more drinking for you!
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by HarryLime View Post

I used to always think, “at least I’m not one of those alcoholics” like the guy from Leaving Las Vegas. Well that feels like cold comfort now.
I had a lot of those "I'll never be like that.." moments.

I used to say to myself "If I'm an alcoholic, at least I am functional like my Grandma and not like my alcoholic dad, who couldn't hold a job when he was drinking"

Eventually I became non-functional and my job and marriage was seriously in jeopardy.

When a video of an extremely drunk David Hasselhoff filmed by his daughter eating a hamburger made news quite a few years back, I said to myself "I'll never be like that guy"

Guess what, one of the last nights I drank about nine months ago, my wife said she wanted to film me to show me how ridiculous I was "like the David Hasselhoff video". I realized I had become "that guy".

The fact that she mentioned that video specifically was a powerful moment and in the few times over the past few months where I think "a stiff vodka tonic sounds good right now", I immediately follow that thought with what my wife told me that day.

SC
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Old 09-04-2019, 10:20 AM
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Thanks for coming to visit us here at SR.

We hope you get sober and stay.

You are very open-minded about your drinking.

For most of us, we had to be faced with dire consequences before we sought help.

For me, I went through treatment, matriculated into AA and have been an active member ever since - a pretty good while.

You may want to evaluate the various methodologies, plans and programs for getting sober and pursue whichever one you choose.

We sure hope you hang around here with us, amigo.
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