ColoradoRocky

Yeah, but can you sing like Ole Blue Eyes?

Ravel

It's better for all of us if we never find out! ;o)


Doing very well, sober since 1st of September. I feel I entered a phase in sobriety where I settled down a bit. All self-pitying & fear is gone, I can see clearly now what's ahead of me and how to get there.

1.) Done with alcohol for good. I'm discovering more and more of my new liberty at home, in therapy, on my job, in AA-meetings, alone. It's genuinely a bit like relearning how to live after a long time of occupation. This is just wonderful!

2.) My mind is calm. I doubt it ever was, but now it is. It makes me approach people and problems differently, I saw myself - to my amazement - more than once playing with open cards to solve an issue without any thinking or planning beforehand.

I've a lot of problems, just like everybody else. Most of mine are solvable, none is perilous. Some are even obviously pathetic.

E. g., I didn't visit my dentist for a couple of years, I felt shame. She fixed two minor fillings, other than that my teeth were in splendid condition. But I had convinced myself over years that she would look right into Stonehenge once I open my mouth.

I'm living separated from my wife, we hadn't had a contact for years. I'm dreading the divorce, it's emotionally difficult and financially quite a thwack. But it's going to happen, so I better start accepting. I wrote a mail to her last night, which I am quite proud about. It's just time to get it over with, in peaceful terms.

I must never forget, what I did to myself with alcohol. Visiting AA-meetings will be as pivotal in future as it is now. The idea of trivialising alcohol one day is petrifying. That ain't gonna happen.

Hodd

saoutchik

You're doing really well Jan!

Kaily

So pleased you are continuing to do well and with such enthusiasm.

Got to say I absolutely adore your animal pictures.

August252015

Glad for the update Jan!

Ravel

Still marching north towards Soberville, the conditions have worsened this week though. Quite rapidly even, in the beginning, I was puzzled.

During the first five weeks, I had episodes of cravings here and there, but those had been mere incidents. This week I felt number and number, day by day. In the end, there wasn't much I could do against obsessions to just get some wine, apart from riding it out. One of the things this forum hammers home so beautifully: you go to bed sober. No matter what. I did.

That's new to me and nothing I can laugh away. Shrink says I'm properly burned out, I'm well-advised to just focus on what's in front of me for the next weeks. It's going to take time for me to adjust, I get that now. In his words, our bodies cannot cope with revolutions, just with steady reforms.

We worked on some starter rules for the next weeks:

• When my workday is over, work is over. No work in spare time.
  
• Read novels in the spa or a cafè, stop reading the 8th book about alcoholism in a row.
  
• Reduce coffee intake from around ten (cough) to two. Drink grain coffee instead.

So, simple rules. But a good start! And whilst I'm sitting here in the morning with my coffee (and I got to say, as revolting grain coffee sounds, it's actually good stuff!), I'm quite satisfied where, who and how I am. Six weeks ago I wouldn't have believed that this is possible. It is, and I'm very happy about it.

I hope you're having a nice weekend with your loved ones and a smashing week!

Hodd

Gettingcloser

I have been sober since May 2018 and what I can share with you is that the power of the cravings fades into a memory of those cravings which become harmless. I have had some events that have happened in my life the past year that would have sent me running for the bottle but now all I remember is the maybe 30 minutes of relief and then everything bad that follows.
Your mind does heal and alcohol will not longer be a reality for you.
You have a wonderful appreciation for life that will only expand the longer you are sober.

Ravel

Thanks, Hodd & Gettingcloser!

Voids in the evening are my trigger, the weeks ago I successfully detected and filled voids. Yet, last week I was all at once so lethargic, I was simply not able to stand up against it. I have to learn my lesson and genuinely take it on a "day by day"- basis.

Drinking is beyond debate. Thank you for your nice words! :o)

Hodd

Ravel

Captain's log: sober day 70.

Early recovery is a quiet business. My first five weeks released an oddly high amount of energy in me, it was quite the ride. It ended in exhaustion though. But whatever I do, it's the right direction, and so I move on, baby step by baby step. What I need is harmony.

Harmony is probably the most often iterated word in my last weeks of shrink- & CBT-Sessions. One of these terms, I - at best - have an abstract idea about what it is, it's a word like respect, spirituality, honour. I don't sense what it stands for.

My shrink planted an image in my head the other week that for some reason gives me great comfort. The earth is run by four mighty impulses (or two sets of polar opposites): on the one hand orbiting and rotating, and on the other hand gravity and centrifugal force. I'm myself confronted with four similar forces, I want/have to live in a society (orbiting), I want/have to be an individuum (rotating). And I'm yearning for continuation (gravity) as much as I do for change (centrifugal force). Harmony keeps the systems working.

There's a lovely serving of "It is what it is" in this image. There's only so much I can actively change and a lot I shall just get used to. To a great deal, harmony means acceptance. I have the image of the earth quite often in my head these days. Whenever I cop myself soliloquizing about job meetings with muppets or knock-out answers to arch-foes, I imagine the earth silently going its way.
When I think about visiting St. Petersburg and something pops up wondering "Did you mean Cabernet Sauvignon?", I see the world placidly rotating. It just gets me out of thought loops and keeps my momentum going. This is the right direction.

I agree, that was a garrulous way to say, "I'm fine." and "Harmony shall be the cornerstone of my recovery."

Please, enjoy a harmonious weekend with your families!

P.S.: I wonder when Google Ads finally learns, that I don't drink anymore. Most web pages still look like a wine shop. :o)

saoutchik

Great post Jan!

Congratulations on 10 weeks, well done.

Transitioning from early recovery to an intermediate stage is good news as you don't have to battle against cravings as often and your mind accepts going to bed sober as the new normal. Complacency is the thing to be on the lookout for now as the memories of alcohol misuse fade.

To continue with the gravitational metaphor you are nearing escape velocity. Good luck.

Dee74

Congrats on 70 days Jan

D

Hodd

Ravel

Absolutely. And it's most gratifying to experience that the tools I learned actually work whenever I think about alcohol. Focus and shelter.

But my fear raised. I still buy storable items (yoghurt, detergent etc.) only at 8 am on Saturdays, and then just fruits & vegetables at the corner down the street when I return from work. Other than that I don't enter shops with bottles. And whenever I have that sinking feeling at home I immerse myself in meditation, playing an instrument or learning Russian. Activities where I have to completely zoom in. Most of the time I'm free again pretty quickly. I'm not afraid of these situations.

I'm scared of a dam break. I vividly remember when I registered on SR: this was a very profound moment for me. I felt desperate, yes, but I cannot recall when I felt a similar solace. Maybe as a child. However, I knew, it will work. This is going to be over. Based on that feeling it wasn't that difficult to move on, week by week. Compared to the sufferings of so many here my 10 weeks had been a walk in the park. That must sound weird, but it's true.

Once I drink again the best scenario for me would be ON-/OFF-drinking for years. For years! I doubt I'd achieve what I have today right in front of me: the chance to happily build a fulfilling life.

My vigilance level is on DEFCON 1. At the beginning I was secure outside with friends, today I'm secure in locations without alcohol. Which is home, I can guarantee I will not buy alcohol here. When I read about our Christmas staff party the other day, something in me decided on the spot I'd drink a glass or two. Well, I'm not going to spoil my luck, I'll stay at home. Maybe next year?

When I look back I cannot believe where I am today. It's a gift.

Hodd

Kaily

Well done on 10 weeks Ravel.

Your posts are so well written. I like what you said about the Christmas party. Funny how our brains sometimes try and give us permission to drink before we have a chance to check the thoughts. Good call not to go.

Keep doing what your doing.

Tetrax

Nice one Ravel. And keep those avatars coming please.

Hodd