Now or never
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Not meant to be elusive or such at all. By specific activities I mean starting a program of recovery action (AA, AVRT, using SR in a structured fashion, whatever); learning to choose what takes you further from a drink not closer to it (people, places and practices you choose to "go with," so to speak); med dr; health stuff like eating well, sleep, etc; spiritual/personal growth....lots of stuff, but what I put first is my top thing (beyond the obvious baseline of not drinking) - working a recovery program. note I used that "recovery" specification twice.
You've mentioned a community and that is spot on- I believe we need other people to get and stay sober together, and beyond just that - to truly live our version of a best life in recovery.
Glad you are here.
You've mentioned a community and that is spot on- I believe we need other people to get and stay sober together, and beyond just that - to truly live our version of a best life in recovery.
Glad you are here.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Agree with August on the social aspect. Although I like to think of myself as a very rational and self-driven person, self-knowledge and "keeping busy" proved to be not enough to combat my addiction. This go-round, I am forcing myself to do some things I don't "want" to do, but know I should do. Posting here a couple of times/day (this part I mainly do like 
), attending at least 4 AA meetings/week, working the steps, checking into Refuge Recovery, and getting into outpatient treatment. This, in addition to curtailing my work hours, continuing on with therapy and maintaining personal accountability with my personal support system. I've done some of all of this previously, but this is the first time I've built a comprehensive "program" for myself.
I say, "Throw everything you can at this thing, but keep it real so you don't burn out!"
Makes sense to consult with your shrink, but I'd be surprised if they weren't behind the suggestion to give AA and/or SMART a try. As long as you don't drink today no matter what, you're on a good path.
O
), attending at least 4 AA meetings/week, working the steps, checking into Refuge Recovery, and getting into outpatient treatment. This, in addition to curtailing my work hours, continuing on with therapy and maintaining personal accountability with my personal support system. I've done some of all of this previously, but this is the first time I've built a comprehensive "program" for myself.I say, "Throw everything you can at this thing, but keep it real so you don't burn out!"
Makes sense to consult with your shrink, but I'd be surprised if they weren't behind the suggestion to give AA and/or SMART a try. As long as you don't drink today no matter what, you're on a good path.
O
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Agree with August on the social aspect. Although I like to think of myself as a very rational and self-driven person, self-knowledge and "keeping busy" proved to be not enough to combat my addiction. This go-round, I am forcing myself to do some things I don't "want" to do, but know I should do.
My trigger is loneliness. I'd go to the bar at midnight simply to be around other people if the depression hit. So group activities will be necessary to be sobriety. I even changed my gym to one that's open 24 hours so there's always that option to both exercise the demons and be around people at 2am if I feel the need. It may be 5x the cost of my previous gym, but it'll be worth every penny.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Quick bulletin:
Body status: Simply superb, the calmness I experience is indescribable! I'm taking my time these days.
Mind status: Mixed bag. I'm completely happy where I am with my little sobriety project. Yet, all I think, feel and write reminds me more and more of whistling in the dark. I'm afraid, to a great extend, it is. There's nothing wrong with optimism of course, it's the way I am. But it can be a trap:
Example 1: I very slowly start to understand, that the struggle I face is a perpetual one. So, on the one hand I can honestly claim, I'll never drink again. But on the other hand, e. g. when a fellow member here with a sobriety record of several years says, he/she still suffers from temptations every so often, it affects me. I feel a sudden, deep-rooted rage in me. And I know darn well, that this is not the feeling of dread. It's something that's going to booze on, when the time is right. That something is me.
Example 2: Tomorrow I have my shrink appointment. I suffer from several (solvable) issues, so I came to the conclusion, that once these problems are solved, I won't drink anymore, because: why should I? It's lovely how simple everything is, isn't it?
It will take time and support to internalize so many things. I'm still on a very good way, but the more I learn about alcoholism and the more I try to observe myself, the more I realize what a task it really is to change myself. Changing some habits, going through cravings etc., I do all that in the vague hope it is going to change me peu à peu eventually. That is not enough.
It's the first time for me in my life, that I'm faced with changing me, not habits, circumstances or mannerisms. I never had to learn how to cope with a condition and to build it into my identity.
Shame & regrets: I had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
Prospect: I'm doing great and I'm indeed looking forward, what's in store for me in the upcoming time.
I really hope, you're going to have a great week!
Body status: Simply superb, the calmness I experience is indescribable! I'm taking my time these days.
Mind status: Mixed bag. I'm completely happy where I am with my little sobriety project. Yet, all I think, feel and write reminds me more and more of whistling in the dark. I'm afraid, to a great extend, it is. There's nothing wrong with optimism of course, it's the way I am. But it can be a trap:
Example 1: I very slowly start to understand, that the struggle I face is a perpetual one. So, on the one hand I can honestly claim, I'll never drink again. But on the other hand, e. g. when a fellow member here with a sobriety record of several years says, he/she still suffers from temptations every so often, it affects me. I feel a sudden, deep-rooted rage in me. And I know darn well, that this is not the feeling of dread. It's something that's going to booze on, when the time is right. That something is me.
Example 2: Tomorrow I have my shrink appointment. I suffer from several (solvable) issues, so I came to the conclusion, that once these problems are solved, I won't drink anymore, because: why should I? It's lovely how simple everything is, isn't it?
It will take time and support to internalize so many things. I'm still on a very good way, but the more I learn about alcoholism and the more I try to observe myself, the more I realize what a task it really is to change myself. Changing some habits, going through cravings etc., I do all that in the vague hope it is going to change me peu à peu eventually. That is not enough.
It's the first time for me in my life, that I'm faced with changing me, not habits, circumstances or mannerisms. I never had to learn how to cope with a condition and to build it into my identity.
Shame & regrets: I had a few, but then again, too few to mention.
Prospect: I'm doing great and I'm indeed looking forward, what's in store for me in the upcoming time.
I really hope, you're going to have a great week!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Good morning!
Shrink report: I admit, I was sweating walking into his office - completely unnecessarily, we instantly connected and hence: talking about Jan was no problem at all for me. Inwardly I had prepared a list of issues, but we agreed to throw it over board straightaway. Of course we talked about alcohol as well, our session today will be dedicated to dig a little bit deeper into my alcoholism. He gave me a list of some support groups in my area, but strongly recommended to take part in Cognitive Behavior Therapy as soon as possible. Up to 15-20 sessions in short succession, in his experience it's highly effective. Result: Thankfully I got an appointment next week, it sounds most promising.
The panic of the first days is vanished. My upcoming weeks will be highly structured: 2x shrink, 2x CBT-therapeut, 2x support group (Honestly: I'd rather undergo a root treatment or two than joining these meetings, but I shall give it a go).
The bottom line is that I'm feeling secure now, and bloody strong!
Last but not least: I mentioned calmness several times here, it is still the most wonderful feeling i have. I cannot recall living in calmness before, I really can't. When I started to do some meditation a couple of weeks ago, it was difficult, I was practically sitting motionless in my own turmoil, twice I even developed slight convulsions. Genuinely unlovely.
Now it's different, now I can contemplate and really discover my breath (if you know what I mean). From November on I'd love to learn meditation properly, evidently there are several different traditions (Pranayama, Zen etc.), and obviously I have no clue which one of these would be the best one for a beginner. If you're into meditation, could you show me the right direction?
Thanks!
And have a great weekend!
Shrink report: I admit, I was sweating walking into his office - completely unnecessarily, we instantly connected and hence: talking about Jan was no problem at all for me. Inwardly I had prepared a list of issues, but we agreed to throw it over board straightaway. Of course we talked about alcohol as well, our session today will be dedicated to dig a little bit deeper into my alcoholism. He gave me a list of some support groups in my area, but strongly recommended to take part in Cognitive Behavior Therapy as soon as possible. Up to 15-20 sessions in short succession, in his experience it's highly effective. Result: Thankfully I got an appointment next week, it sounds most promising.
The panic of the first days is vanished. My upcoming weeks will be highly structured: 2x shrink, 2x CBT-therapeut, 2x support group (Honestly: I'd rather undergo a root treatment or two than joining these meetings, but I shall give it a go).
The bottom line is that I'm feeling secure now, and bloody strong!
Last but not least: I mentioned calmness several times here, it is still the most wonderful feeling i have. I cannot recall living in calmness before, I really can't. When I started to do some meditation a couple of weeks ago, it was difficult, I was practically sitting motionless in my own turmoil, twice I even developed slight convulsions. Genuinely unlovely.
Now it's different, now I can contemplate and really discover my breath (if you know what I mean). From November on I'd love to learn meditation properly, evidently there are several different traditions (Pranayama, Zen etc.), and obviously I have no clue which one of these would be the best one for a beginner. If you're into meditation, could you show me the right direction?
Thanks!
And have a great weekend!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Jan, this is all soundly really positive. So glad your shrink pointed you to CBT. Seems right up your alley.
I'm a novice at meditation, but can tell you there's a free app called Headspace that gave me a good start. You likely know that there are plenty of guides on youtube. There are some AA meetings that start with a period of meditation, and it seems that all Refuge Recovery (or Dharma Recovery) meetings start with meditation. Just some ideas...
You go, man!
O
I'm a novice at meditation, but can tell you there's a free app called Headspace that gave me a good start. You likely know that there are plenty of guides on youtube. There are some AA meetings that start with a period of meditation, and it seems that all Refuge Recovery (or Dharma Recovery) meetings start with meditation. Just some ideas...
You go, man!
O
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Your posts are really well-written and detailed, Jan, and fascinating to read.
Germany is a tough place to go sober as there’s alcohol everywhere, it’s so cheap and no one bats an eyelid if you drink on the bus. I must admit to needing an alcohol free beer last time I was in Berlin.
So, please keep on writing, Jan. Many of us are reading 🙂
Germany is a tough place to go sober as there’s alcohol everywhere, it’s so cheap and no one bats an eyelid if you drink on the bus. I must admit to needing an alcohol free beer last time I was in Berlin.
So, please keep on writing, Jan. Many of us are reading 🙂
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions!
Regarding meditation, I'm searching for a group setting with a teacher, I think I need to approach it like sports: fixed date, teacher and so on. There's one facility around here that offers beginner's courses for meditation and yoga, I'm going to fix a trial lesson next and then start lessons from November on.
I'm so glad you confirm that effect, I started to feel awkward bringing it up again and again!
I read the following sentence the other day in a book: “You are the sky. Everything else: it is just the weather.” Yes, a bit syrupy. Simply another one of these sentences I would have already forgotten once I turned the page some weeks ago. But today it resonates with me in the strongest way. And so, I hereby accept this gift and shall no longer talk about it! :o)
Regarding meditation, I'm searching for a group setting with a teacher, I think I need to approach it like sports: fixed date, teacher and so on. There's one facility around here that offers beginner's courses for meditation and yoga, I'm going to fix a trial lesson next and then start lessons from November on.
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I love the calmness so much. I know just what you mean about that.
I read the following sentence the other day in a book: “You are the sky. Everything else: it is just the weather.” Yes, a bit syrupy. Simply another one of these sentences I would have already forgotten once I turned the page some weeks ago. But today it resonates with me in the strongest way. And so, I hereby accept this gift and shall no longer talk about it! :o)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
tl;dr: I'm fine. Taking action removes doubts.
I'm now one week into therapy sessions and group meetings. Strenuous times, however, the safety and caring are worth all the trouble. To proactively do something in this struggle has a huge impact on me, I became sick and tired of reacting. I'm not going into details about CBT or the shrink sessions, not because it's too private, but I'd feel the urge to talk & talk & talk.
Truth be told, I wasn't planning to join that group meeting more often than once (I know, I know), in fact, I was relieved at the first meeting that it was as awkward as I hoped it would be. I was sitting there with a 25-Watt-smile on my face surrounded by people, roughly a third of them were duly canned.
I'm way too tenacious in conserving an opinion, I know that. Additionally, I'm about to reach an age when self-opinionated turns into pharisaic. I felt desperately bad about myself after the meeting. The second meeting went differently, I listened to Hakan, who works as a garbage collector, drinks vodka during his work and is severely bullied by his Turkish colleagues because of his drinking. Or to Corinna, Olaf, Marie. Listening was painfully revealing, on my way home I felt like a giant *****. I need these meetings, not only because people might understand my alcoholism.
The CBT therapist was happy about that, for her the meetings are essential. She is really young, she's so committed and driven, just that person you would never want to disappoint. And since Cognitive Behavioral Therapy means homework, I'm pretty busy. What is this homework? One of my biggest problems (which my alcoholism made to a doom loop) is, I'm the man without a hammer:
C/O P. Watzlawick: "Pursuit of Unhappiness" (highly recommended read!)
I'm that man. And so my CBT-homework for tonight is to tell 5 people at the meeting, that I was listening to their story. Then I shall see what develops from there. I'll start with Hakan.
So, where am I at? Do you recall these 6 hours long tests in school or university, those tests with 8 or more questions? Yes, those tests you slowly went pale reading the questions. Eventually, you'll start with the two questions you're sure you can answer. It feels good. This is where I'm at, morale is high!
I'm now one week into therapy sessions and group meetings. Strenuous times, however, the safety and caring are worth all the trouble. To proactively do something in this struggle has a huge impact on me, I became sick and tired of reacting. I'm not going into details about CBT or the shrink sessions, not because it's too private, but I'd feel the urge to talk & talk & talk.
Truth be told, I wasn't planning to join that group meeting more often than once (I know, I know), in fact, I was relieved at the first meeting that it was as awkward as I hoped it would be. I was sitting there with a 25-Watt-smile on my face surrounded by people, roughly a third of them were duly canned.
I'm way too tenacious in conserving an opinion, I know that. Additionally, I'm about to reach an age when self-opinionated turns into pharisaic. I felt desperately bad about myself after the meeting. The second meeting went differently, I listened to Hakan, who works as a garbage collector, drinks vodka during his work and is severely bullied by his Turkish colleagues because of his drinking. Or to Corinna, Olaf, Marie. Listening was painfully revealing, on my way home I felt like a giant *****. I need these meetings, not only because people might understand my alcoholism.
The CBT therapist was happy about that, for her the meetings are essential. She is really young, she's so committed and driven, just that person you would never want to disappoint. And since Cognitive Behavioral Therapy means homework, I'm pretty busy. What is this homework? One of my biggest problems (which my alcoholism made to a doom loop) is, I'm the man without a hammer:
A man wants to hang a painting. He has the nail, but not the hammer. Therefore it occurs to him to go over to the neighbour and ask him to lend him his hammer.
At this point, doubt sets in. What if he doesn’t want to lend me the hammer? Yesterday he barely spoke to me. Ok, maybe he was in a hurry. Or, perhaps, he holds something against me. But why? I didn’t do anything to him. If he would ask me to lend him something, I would, at once. How can he refuse to lend me his hammer? People like him make other people’s life miserable. Worst, he thinks that I need him because he has a hammer. This has got to stop!
And suddenly our man runs to the neighbour’s door, rings, and before letting him say anything, he screams: “Keep your hammer, you bastard!”
At this point, doubt sets in. What if he doesn’t want to lend me the hammer? Yesterday he barely spoke to me. Ok, maybe he was in a hurry. Or, perhaps, he holds something against me. But why? I didn’t do anything to him. If he would ask me to lend him something, I would, at once. How can he refuse to lend me his hammer? People like him make other people’s life miserable. Worst, he thinks that I need him because he has a hammer. This has got to stop!
And suddenly our man runs to the neighbour’s door, rings, and before letting him say anything, he screams: “Keep your hammer, you bastard!”
I'm that man. And so my CBT-homework for tonight is to tell 5 people at the meeting, that I was listening to their story. Then I shall see what develops from there. I'll start with Hakan.
So, where am I at? Do you recall these 6 hours long tests in school or university, those tests with 8 or more questions? Yes, those tests you slowly went pale reading the questions. Eventually, you'll start with the two questions you're sure you can answer. It feels good. This is where I'm at, morale is high!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad for your posts.
One comment - I'm not a true subscriber to the "pink cloud" theory but you might want to look it up as many do feel it fits. Basically- your enthusiasm, sense of near euphoria, calm, energy - a burst of everything good, if you will - is something many experience in very early sobriety. It goes away, for most who will tell you about this (IMO) extreme.
For me, and this is speaking for me only - you don't know me, but if you stick around, you'll hear me share a consistently redundant experience of joy and clarity and hope in sobriety, with a whole lot of foundation underpinning it. This is what leads to sustained and sustainable good-ness.
Highs and lows are part of "normal" people lives. Us alcoholics have to learn to navigate them- sober.
I encourage you to keep going, learning and seeking. Also - remember that a Tuesday, or a weekend, or a workday, or a mild breeze as fall gets here or....anything....WILL shift your mood. And that is OK. In fact, it's something to embrace, because it means you are living.
Good luck. And, put good WORK under that sentiment- because it's really not about luck at all.
One comment - I'm not a true subscriber to the "pink cloud" theory but you might want to look it up as many do feel it fits. Basically- your enthusiasm, sense of near euphoria, calm, energy - a burst of everything good, if you will - is something many experience in very early sobriety. It goes away, for most who will tell you about this (IMO) extreme.
For me, and this is speaking for me only - you don't know me, but if you stick around, you'll hear me share a consistently redundant experience of joy and clarity and hope in sobriety, with a whole lot of foundation underpinning it. This is what leads to sustained and sustainable good-ness.
Highs and lows are part of "normal" people lives. Us alcoholics have to learn to navigate them- sober.
I encourage you to keep going, learning and seeking. Also - remember that a Tuesday, or a weekend, or a workday, or a mild breeze as fall gets here or....anything....WILL shift your mood. And that is OK. In fact, it's something to embrace, because it means you are living.
Good luck. And, put good WORK under that sentiment- because it's really not about luck at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Thank you so much, August, for your kind words! You're absolutely right and I'll take it to heart. It's just a long time ago since I didn't feel like a horse on a frozen lake.
Currently, there're no doubts, I'm just happy where I am. It's something to look back in bad times.
Currently, there're no doubts, I'm just happy where I am. It's something to look back in bad times.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You just said something critical!! "No doubts" - you'll often hear us say that you have to be sober more than you want to drink. No matter what, keeping that front and center (and for me, it has become auto-pilot so to speak) is essential.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Jan,
You sound great, determined, open and willing. It looks really great on you!
Seems too, that you are aware that feelings are transient and changing them (or learning to live with them in a different way) takes effort.
I'm glad you've thrown yourself headfirst into this adventure - it's the best way to go, in my opinion.
O
You sound great, determined, open and willing. It looks really great on you!
Seems too, that you are aware that feelings are transient and changing them (or learning to live with them in a different way) takes effort.
I'm glad you've thrown yourself headfirst into this adventure - it's the best way to go, in my opinion.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Thanks, Obladi & August. Let me give you a brief update: I'm afraid, I'm still in the sobriety-honeymoon-phase. I better put it in a nutshell this time.
Everything is decelerated, everything. And I was so well-prepared to go through an ordeal with months of shrink sessions, CBT sessions, group sessions, temptations, my achy-breaky me. There is no ordeal. I. Enjoy. Every. Minute.
The only rule is to sleep sober? I can do that! I can guaranty that!
There was a little adjustment last week, my shrink warmly advised me to join AA-sessions instead of the former sessions. We had a minor discussion about it, which he cynically won. I enjoy going there very much now. You are completely right: there is a long way ahead of me. I am so fine with that!
Everything is decelerated, everything. And I was so well-prepared to go through an ordeal with months of shrink sessions, CBT sessions, group sessions, temptations, my achy-breaky me. There is no ordeal. I. Enjoy. Every. Minute.
The only rule is to sleep sober? I can do that! I can guaranty that!
There was a little adjustment last week, my shrink warmly advised me to join AA-sessions instead of the former sessions. We had a minor discussion about it, which he cynically won. I enjoy going there very much now. You are completely right: there is a long way ahead of me. I am so fine with that!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Good update! Just remember that ups and downs in our emotions, energy, everything are part and parcel to early sobriety. Learning to live with "normal" and "just OK" was a huge thing for me.
I also did about 90/90 of the suggested routine in AA - BUT I learned that I had to pace myself as far as adding other recovery things on top. You've piled a lot on your plate- which is great- BUT some days, I found that just being sober had to be victory enough. Laundry, healthy meals, etc- bonus! And now, at 3 yr almost 8 mo, my program in its totality has evolved, grown, simplified back down, etc. By that I mean, as an example, I often share that I have a list of 5 things I do each morning that are my "program" - at first that was two things my sponsor told me to do - and I have added and changed the list to 4, 5, 6 things as I've gone along. We need to be both consistent and flexible in living sober.
We learn. Keep going.
I also did about 90/90 of the suggested routine in AA - BUT I learned that I had to pace myself as far as adding other recovery things on top. You've piled a lot on your plate- which is great- BUT some days, I found that just being sober had to be victory enough. Laundry, healthy meals, etc- bonus! And now, at 3 yr almost 8 mo, my program in its totality has evolved, grown, simplified back down, etc. By that I mean, as an example, I often share that I have a list of 5 things I do each morning that are my "program" - at first that was two things my sponsor told me to do - and I have added and changed the list to 4, 5, 6 things as I've gone along. We need to be both consistent and flexible in living sober.
We learn. Keep going.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
