itsmaria

So today I went to a rugby game and then I met up with some different friends after. It's hard. Sometimes it just helps me to write it out.

First of all I feel really angry, or part of me does. Like I just want to drink and drink. The rugby game was at 1pm, I could have just kept drinking all day.

I notice I feel empty. And that's why I want to drink. As though it will make me feel full. But it doesn't actually fill up the hole inside, it just feels like it does for a while. Or it hides it for a while. And when I do drink, it may hide it for a while, but then coming down is worse, bc the hole feels bigger and worse when I stop. So I guess that's why I don't want to stop.

I also feel anxious, and the alcohol hides that too. For a while.

On the way home and I want to stop at a liquor store. I tell myself- get whatever else you want. I stop on the way and get a coffee. I get a burger and fries for dinner. I buy a piece of apple pie to take home. Not really comfort food, but just something I enjoy, to take the edge off, to not buy booze.

I feel like ****, physically and emotionally and I just keep thinking if I drink it will make it worse. So I'm just trying to weather it through.

Thanks for reading.

doggonecarl

Not sure how long you've been sober, but sometimes resisting is all we can do. Hour by hour, minute by minute if we have to.

It's gets easier. The longer you are sober. But you will have to use your sober time to address the anxiety and the void in your soul. For me the key wasn't just getting sober, it was learning to live and love the sober life.

Ghostlight1

Hello and I'm sorry you're struggling.
You mention the hole several times, and seem to realize drinking may fill that void for a few hours but the ramifications will last for days. Personally, I know it isn't worth it.
I tried to fill that hole for years. All it left me was anxious and depressed that I had failed again.

But not to worry. You made the right decision. Take care of yourself rather than destroy yourself mentally and physically.
In many forty year drinking career, I don't think I ever woke up the next day saying, 'I sure am glad I drank last night.'

Hang in there, it gets better and these matters of the hole will be filled with pride and accomplishment to have not succumb.
Best to you in sobriety, my friend.

Dee74

Hi itsmaria

I'm glad you resisted..and yeah I tried to fill the void in me with stuff and things too but the void was bottomless.

I got much better results trying to heal the void.

I dunno what makes you feel empty or what might make you feel not empty but booze isn't the answer.

Have you any ideas about the life you'd like to lead or the person you'd like to be? whats stopping you?

D

SoberRican

As you read here all of us tried to fill that void not a void its a black hole. Baby steps my friend. Your sick my friend . we all were . theres a way you will figure it out. One day at a time . well worth it for me to throw in the towel. Things will get better. ✌

itsmaria

I have not been sober very long, I keep drinking tbh. Yesterday- it's hard bc my friends drink. I'm a very isolated person, I don't really have many/any friends. I'm in a hiking club and they go hiking and then they go for a drink. It's really hard for me to not do that- I mean not to go with them, bc it is pretty much the only social thing I have.

I was supposed to go on another hike tomorrow to a beer event, like a brewery thing, but I cancelled.

Thanks for the support. I know I need to find some social activities that don't involve drinking.

I feel like crap today I was up half the night, I don't know why. But I have some time to myself today and tomorrow and feel like I need that to just refocus.

Dee74

If you're having trouble staying sober whats your plan for that? Is a meeting based solution like AA (or SMART) something you'd try?

Thats gotta be a good way to meet sober people.

I think getting out and being social in situations where drinking is not a factor is a good way to go forward. I followed my interests and met people...I went to cafes, pizza places, museums, anywhere where it wasn't possible - or at least not easy - to drink.

eventually I could go anywhere with anyone and not drink and be happy and at peace about that.,..but I had to put in the hard yards before i could do that.

D

D122y

I needed a major physical and mental breakdown to scare me enough to get serious.

I had agoraphobia during my recovery times. Each relapse quelled it for a few days.

I was on a highway to hell. Climbing out was painful especially because i knew that if i drank i would get a break from the agoraphobia.

I still have some agoraphobia, but i am used to it.

So now i have ptsd and paws from the hell i endured. I know that if i drink again, agoraphobia will return.

I don't need to test it, i tested it for 40 years.

I might be lucky because of my damage. Everyone is different. Nobody but me could stop me.

Thanks.

itsmaria

My plan- I meditate a lot, writing, coming here. All these things help me- if I do them! I exercise a lot, 6-7 times a week and that helps me. I've tried to find social things to do that are active, but they always include drinking ie play a game and then go drink, hike and then go drink, etc.

So except for my hiking club I exercise alone (or with a trainer).

My hiking club is going out today again, a hike to a brewery event. I was supposed to go but I cancelled. It's hard, I still want to change my mind and go, but I can't go and not drink. So I'm just skipping it.

I will feel better once the time has passed and I know they have left.

Going to the gym today instead and will do some other physical activity.

ColoradoRocky

Sounds like a lot of solitary activitiy. Good stuff, but isolated.

How about finding some people who know how to stay away from a drink and hanging out with them?

Going it alone is rarely successful. It took me a lot of drinking to understand that.